A quick summary of my 16 years of life Untill 4 grade i was a "normal" child.i had friend and such.i was really joyfull to the point of weirdness.but in 5 grade i switched school for the first time It was a really bad school.i was constantly asaulted by kids between twice smaller and bigger than me.i wasn't used to anythinf like this.i was constantly crying and my mum was picking me up from school I was not as joyfull anymore but i kept my weirdness leading to me being uterly alone One day it clicked me And the next time the same bully tried harassing me i went ballistic and decked the fucker down I started getting used to this.i got friends I only fought for my and my friends protection I however did not establish a deep bond with the 3 closest people to me When i moved in 6 grade they cried for me I did too but deep inside I didn't care.i wasnr atached I however had let my hair grow long because i saw a boy with long hair and i liked it(i am aswell a boy) I got alot of harasmenr in 6 grade for my looks but got through 7 and 8 grade i was Yet again i. A new school.a private school This is a important moment as the friends i got here were the most permanent Both years i was generally a really friendly kid .more than half of all the classes were my friends.my class being really close to me.i however increased my weirdness and unpredictable charactwr in the sort od randomly slapping my friends Being energetic I was a medium height kid but really thin.i didn't enjoy fighting when it ocured but i didn't back down due to my ego.i did however earn some reputation as insane because i went batshit if someone hit me My friends all relied on me for emotional help and life advice and i was vakked a professional psychologist by many I am actually not full of self esteem but i always act like it.i laugh easily and am hard to offend Fast forwars to now 9 grade I moved again to another school All my friends missed me I just regreted not having as many people to talk to but didn't really feel attachment.just lack of entertainment In my new school I overdosed coffee on my first day and made the worst impression evver.still i cant get the ckass to like me.just because it is good for my intentions.not because i want them.more later I had All my life Dealt with a really shity environment My parrenrs fought and broke up 8 times just untill i was 7.i lost count after that.i was abused alot.i never felt anyone close to me I never shared as i didnt get through the problen easier no matter who helped What i felt was rhw definition of depression But i enjoyed ir I was independent from people and frienda Even if hell rose id still stand alone I felt good But 9 grade changed alot for me First off I was instantly a attraction amongst girls as i had grown to be 6'1.i had long slightly curly black hair which was the most liked thing in that school for some reason and i had started having a pretty decent physique due to working out And a lot of girls wenr for me My old friends told me to go for it But i didn't feel atractes to any of them Like.some were a perfect 10.but thats it.they might be pretty or sexy and even have a great personality But i wasn't atractes to girls I wasn't atractes to anyone really I didn't feel any affection of any sort except loyalty towards old friends and those who proved themselves But then i met a girl Lets call her. A She was extremely smart(i always liked smart people as they were more fun to play mind games with as they returned fire.in a friendly way ofc) She was really funny We were friends But she had something in her noone else had She was what i dreamth of in 7 grade The definition of soulmate We were the same She hugged me.i was unused to it She had a boy friend and i knew Bur she slowly started to like me I did aswell Which was new I had liked before.but this was different I actually felr her dear and important for me I cannot stress how much i lived for our chat and meetings After we started huging I burnt for hugging her I was entrapped We both confesed liking each other She kisses me once and then left as she was in ahurry I was shoked However si e days later i had a dream It was me and i.i told myself that i am weak I know how this will end.as does eveyrthing in life I yelled at myself that she is different Me.or what looked like mr said that she is a weakness to me i cannot afford I woke uo. But i knew that was true I sensed how ataches i had grown to her How much i cared But deep down i felt reality I told her i want it to end as i felt i was weak But she cried.it tore me inside I gave in We wenr on We were getting really close She started makinf out with me when we were alone I must stress rhat i NEVER initiated anything with her.she texted first and ended last She was going to break up with her bf for me On her initiative as well However A inside conflict apeared And i as always dealt with it alone for 2 weeks.i was detached from everyone in The meanwhile. When i finished however She was different And then she told me She taught i had sropped loving her(she was legit i was a total shit these 2 weeks) And her bf was over he startes making our and well They had sex She said she didn't want it but did enjoy it I broke down I was o. The verge of suicide for days Ihe came to pick her up and told me hi(we were friends) and because i always caries a knife for practical reasons Almost stabbed him I wanted to tell her i wanted it all to end but didnr know how to not hurt her One day i did She just took it and said she wanted as well I was slightly to say.shocked She just left me and wanted to leave I got worse Days later I realised i can't live without her I pleaded foe us to get back Quick story We did.it was all good She was however keeping her bf close As she was me We were getttinf closer Words of us havinf sex were excahnges I was really shy so ir was more of a "I wanr you inside me" She was legitly feeling me that way I was at a sleep over bur we didn't do shit.i was barely brave enough to fall asleep with my pants.we slept in one bed I was supposed to go again in april Ahw was enthusiastix enough and talkes about"that" enough to know what she was gonna do then However 2 weeks prior to April She started acting weird Whrn i kissed her she pushed me away and said she was Getting too horny or didn't wanr ir in public so noone can see us Howvwr2 i felt somethi f was off Day comes I wake up past the time i was supposed to go to hwr place I panic but no messages or calls In the eveninf she texts if i am angty at her for anythinf I loose it I learned fro. A source she incited her bf over and he slept there Guess what fucki f has happened.. I just loose it and break her off She again.says she acted that way because she wanted me to leave her so she didn't have to leave me and wanted to be friends I was however back in my old.psycho self 0 feelings except fucking hate I say i will anihilate her Shit goes on Fast forward I do t anihilate her as the last part of the loving me saves her.i could litteraly ruin her life. We started acrinf friendlier.i was uninterested i a. Friendship with her but she wantes it.we wenr our wirh a group Her eyes were always at me She wanted me to hug her but i always cut her off Fast forwars to abparty She gets drunk Confessed she still loves me it was all a mistake she cut me off becauae she felt like it was wrong I decide id give her a chance but risk no more I tell her to leave her bf She does so.he however thinjs she is just too drunk We decide to do it togheder the next day We dont.she says she doesn't want him. To be hurt and needa time alteadr two weeks to cut him off oai lesly I comply Later she wanrs a month I comply Then she wants 3 months I cut her off as it is getti f out of hand She was keepi f us both and was delaying f the inevitable She cries and goes suicidal I comforr her as best as i can.she is shocked how normal i acted when she told me the worst shit I gave her 3 months just so However i noticed she wasnt doing any damage to him.she was just enjoying havi g us both at the same time again.i get agitated I preasure her to do it She says that she nevwr said she was goi f to do it and she wantes 3 months to decide notbto do it I comfirm my fears.i say to her Now or never.me or him fuckig choose stop bei g a whore and stop playing She tries manipulatinf me sayi g that she wo t be with someone as psycho as me I say so beit You lied to me for the third time Thirds strike You are out This time you will hold your fucking words I say i will tell her bf(from now on Y) About eberything without savi f the details Unless she told him first I forced hwr to tell Y everythinf I laughed because she herself fucked it all up Fast forwards Y forgives wvwryrhinf becauae he is mad in love However A tried to hide that she still has him Says she is now single and feels lonely She wanrs2 ro get nack with me but wont say it Ive been betrayed too many times Burned by thw samw fire too many times She lost before she started What fuels me now is not fear of death or kust general curiosuty towarda life Ir2 is pure hatred towarda all that oposed me And i sweari in God and the Devil i will anihilate her and everythi f she loves for what she did to me.to Y and what she keeps on tryinf to do I was the perfect angel for her and now it is time to raise hell on fucking earth