Sunset

For a year, the walk around the sea wall near Olympic Village was a delight and a breathtaking view. There are no amount of photos with the correct exposure that could capture what I saw in this year. For me to remember what I saw, words are better. Sometimes it would be coming home from a run, sometimes it would be getting off the skytrain from work. In any case, when I round the corner of the Science World sphere, I am like an ant entering into a lifesize playground with the pops of red, yellows and blues. Coming out of the playground and into the straight away, I can see the water of the creek move slightly with the soft wind. When my gaze moves from the creek towards the horizon, I will be met with the bright low rays of a sunset illuminating the sky with its yellow orange colour. The fluffy clouds in the sky would look like they are spreading its purplish pink wings soaring in the air. When there are no clouds in the sky, the purplish pink spreads in the expanse. The yellow orange sun yolk is hidden behind a series of buildings. She is shy, but her beauty cannot be hidden even if she tries. The windows of the building glistens giving away her presence. As I keep walking back to my apartment, the warm light of this sunset brushes my face and it naturally lifts the corner of my lips. My smile is wide and it takes my breath away. My heart skips a bit like I am falling in love. I didn't think I would have this same feeling each time, but I do. It is as if every time this view shows up, my feelings of love for it is refreshed. As I am writing this, I am reminded of Your love. Is this how You love Your children? That it is refreshed every day and Your grace is like how I am met with this beautiful sunset view, renewed daily? If Your love is this beautiful, wouldn't it be so natural that my response is of deep gratitude and of praise? But I am a fallen human and my love is imperfect. Even though I know of this love in my heart and mind, I cannot fathom the weight of it. I only understand it through my brokenness and not wholeness. Not until I am with You again.

“You had something on your hair … I was going to take it off for you.”

Tonight is going to be a long night.

I just finished watching King the Land and I think this and Alchemy of Soul would make it to the top spots of the k dramas that I love watching. After the episode, I immediately went to the reddit thread to see what others are saying. Even though sometimes I don't always agree with everyone's comments and analysis, I am excited for what they have to say. I remember telling my sister that I found a community of people who watch the same things as I do and who have been following k dramas since back in the days. I silently lurk in the background, reading what others are saying. I chuckle to myself at the abundance of references they are referring to. I feel like I belong and I feel seen even though no body knows I am reading what they are posting. I think what it means to belong and seen is resonating with similar thoughts and perhaps bringing a tangent angle of thought. I think when I feel like I am an outsider is when the thoughts are no longer tangent, but it sits right across from me and requires debate to draw close the similarity or to even come close to understanding each other. This dynamic requires all of strength and compassion and is the most tiring. It requires "work" on my end and I think I finally understand why my friendships feel like work. I'm not sitting tangent with them, I am sitting across from them in debate style.

I fell in love with Cheon Sa Rang and Gu Won's love story. She inspired him and motivated him to fight for the employees at the hotel. Her tenacity and respect for her job made him want to live out an ideal. My heart races and is excited for this ideal that Gu Won dreams of for the hotel he is managing. Can this be true? Can this model of business be successful? I am being brought back to 2023 Earth and I wonder how much of this dream can be a reality and how much of it is just wishful thinking. We are in a fallen world, so even our dreams are vanishing ideas. We want so badly a heavenly way of living, but we are on earth, so what can we do? Keep toiling? I am reminded in Peter's letter to not let us be weary in doing good and that we should always be doing good. Maybe even in vain, we should persevere with our dreams and not give up on the ideal. I wrote down what kind of a leader Gu Won is and I loved that he listens to what Cheon Sa Rang has to say because he loved her perspective. Her perspective was beautiful and full of life. I think I want to be in this kind of a relationship. He listens very well to her and he makes it happen. When he makes strides of changes to the hotel after he talks to her about what the employees are grumbling about for change. My heart desires for not just a husband, but a good husband that I can submit to. This feels so right to desire for, yet... I wonder if it is too idealistic, too romantic and too above what I deserve. It appears as though I am looking for someone perfect. And maybe on one hand I am. The bridegroom, Jesus, is perfect. Only because He is perfect that His bride, the Church, is perfect. Her flaws are covered by Him and together they live the life that God wanted for humanity, the life that He intended to create. I can't imagine that I am waiting for this day and not to do anything. Because Jesus has risen, surely there must be something that can be done now. Surely there is the Church and Jesus can be doing now. What is that? How does that look like in this broken world?

What do I dream of for my job? I see many people leave the accounting jobs. I can see why and in their shoes I would too. The culture is toxic, the hours are long, the work is long and tedious, and the pay is low. Ethics are decreasing as well with more reports than there should be on firms cheating on exams, not providing quality audit work, and scheming with corporations. As I am writing this out, I feel like this has always been the case. So who am I to dream of change? I wish that the integrity of the accounting professional can be restored. That the profession is not just a business, but that the people who practice this upholds their profession with high degree of integrity. This profession would be an attractive job because they can see themselves being valued, being cared for and there is purpose to our jobs. I don't want policies that just try to patch things up and are fake. I want policies in place where employees can feel our sincerity. I don't want to create a firm like this. I want to change existing firms to be like this. I don't want to abandon something that was created many years ago, I want to rebuild and replant to awaken something that has died into life. I want light into this profession. Something that has Your hand on it even if the people don't know who You are, it is written in their hearts and they know deep down in their hearts that it is You. I think this is the vision that I have had since I asked You for one. And I wanted someone to carry this vision out with me. That I won't be the one leading it and it will be this male figure, the way that it should. Like Gu Won and Cheon Sa Rang. Someone who has power to execute the vision that I speak about. I told my co worker a small part of this dream and he thought it was unrealistic. He said that it would be easier to start my own firm like this and begin something because I total control. With existing firms, my voice won't be strong and it won't influence others. My immediate response was a rejection to what he was saying, but then I also agree with his practicality. Deep deep inside my heart, I wish he was wrong. I wish there would be a miracle and that even the biggest of firms can change and it can influence the world in the most positive way. Even if I start my own firm, I would still not gather enough power to influence. Only existing power can garner the same amount of influence. My goal isn't just a small group, but I want to influence the entire accounting profession worldwide. This dream is so big, so much larger than myself. This dream requires that everyone else wants the same dream. It requires everyone to hope for the same thing as me. But I know from just a small survey, their complaints are the same, but their hope and vision is not. I would sound so silly and so unrealistic to them. People want to stay, but they just don't want to work such long hours. Can't we think of a solution to do our business without having to work 50 to 70 hours a week for 6 months? Can't there be some way to save it instead of abandoning it?

It feels refreshing to write it down, to be honest with what I really am thinking. I've been writing to You for over 15 years. You are the one who I can trust the most, who I can be the most vulnerable and who really listens to me. When no one knows my heart, You know. When I am too romantic and too idealistic for everyone, I am not too much of any of those for You. God, dreams are spoken and written up to You. Only You have the ultimate power to make these dreams a reality and only You can orchestrate, people, timing and realities. I just pray, hope, and keeping on having faith in You. The only thing I can do as Peter says to live such good lives and to always continue to do good.

You’re the best of us three.

No matter where you are, no matter what you do, I'll always be on your side.

King the Land Ep. 16

When I was watching the Alchemy of Soul, I skipped the first 10 episodes. It’s not ground breaking writing, nor is it an award winning show. But yet, it captivated my heart. The dialogue, the themes, the friendship, the fantasy and the love story all seem to be speaking to me in a deep way that I’m curious to explore. I said I would watch the first 10 episodes to see how it all started. The last summer had come and gone. A new summer arrived and I started episode one. I can see the connection of the dialogue. Of their first meeting, of the events that unfolded. What revelation will I get this time from watching? I’m expectant and anticipating it will teach me something. 

My last post was just words. I didn’t want my next post to be more words so I wanted to search for something meaningful to post from the media that I had consumed over the past months. It took some time to find something, but I did. And I thought what did I watch these past few months? Stand by Me - Doreamon movies, Hamilton musical, Spider Man: Across the Spider Verse, The Good Bad Mother, Dr. Cha, Young Sheldon, Rosie, Queenmaker, Would you like a Cup of Coffee, Our Beloved Summer. As I recounted them, I liked what I consumed. In each of these, I found a story and a message that was worth watching. 

Unexpectedly, I am on a journey to “like” myself. At some point, I stopped making decisions that I liked, I stopped being confident in who I was, and I stopped listening to myself. But I’m re-learning all of that now. And this time with a better understanding and a better foundation. The Saturday that I arrived in Toronto, there was a building next to the hospital that was being demolished. I watched the machine take it down, turning it into rubble. The structure looked so bare and exposed that I couldn’t imagine it housed people before. When I watched it crumble down, there was a little bit of horror and a little bit of sadness. By the time I left, all of it was demolished and though it was bare, there was more clarity and light that shone onto that place. The foundations stayed put, it was just the building that was taken down. I wondered if this was symbolic of my life, where the foundations are always in You, but You take down and rebuild all throughout my life. Things that I had built gets taken down and new things will be built in replacement of it. 

Today at counselling, I told her about how I had found my voice again with the people I talked to in Toronto. I learned what safety felt like and how being honest with my thoughts and feelings felt liberating. That my life wasn’t dictated by the options from others, but that I had the option to choose what I wanted for me. I told her that there are times when there suddenly is a shift in my relationships where I find my friends relying on me too much and I feel burdened. The intimacy they feel with me isn’t reciprocated on my end because I don’t trust them as much as they trust me. And then she asks who do I turn to when I need help or in emotional distress? And it was not a doubt that it was You. That is why I wanted to write here tonight. Because it all started from here. From my computer, from writing on asian avenue, then on xanga. I kept writing and writing first to myself but then at some point it felt like “someone” was listening to me. It didn’t feel like I was talking to myself. I think because of this writing, I had no doubt that You were real. Your comfort in my time of distress was very real. It wasn’t intuition nor was it logic. It was a real experience of Your spirit. I think I wish for this experience for everyone because there is no arguing that You exist in their lives when they experience You. No logic can argue better than a personal experience. And so when I compare the comfort that others give me, it always never measure up to Your comfort. I feel so close with You that I feel distant with people. I feel so disappointed that they will hurt me and not love me as much as You would. The second thing that comforts me are these stories of people’s lives and how their lives were touched by other people. I wish for that. I wish that I can have relationships in my life that would mirror my relationship with You. Relationships where I can rely on them and I can feel intimate with. 

All these love stories end with a wedding. And I wish in my lifetime, I can experience the same glory and beauty of a relationship that is eternal. My heart keeps longing for it and I think I will continue to long for it. But I have decided not to idly wait for it nor seek for it myself. That while waiting, I will continue to live my life to the fullest with You and make all the plans that I can in this lifetime to enjoy Your creation and to listen and pray for those that You put in my life. I don’t want to stand still where I am. I want to dance. I want to dance in this life that You have given me. 

Woong. I have a question. Are we dating again?

OUR BELOVED SUMMER (2021) dir. Kim Yoon Jin

I come here whenever I feel melancholic, whenever I am yearning for something, whenever I feel unsatisfied, unfulfilled and whenever my emotions and thoughts are on the verge of bursting out from me and I just want to pour them out onto the paper with words. I lived a disciplined life for two weeks and then I got a knee injury. I tried even to stay within that schedule after I was injured, but it only lasted for a week. I am now back again with my lack of self discipline. But this time I’m not so angry at myself. The 3 weeks where I was able to exercise self discipline taught me that I can do it if I put my mind to it. These past weeks of no routine is not because I am not physically able to do it, it is because I choose not to. I recognize that I am not powerless to my own emotions and actions, that I too share in the power of my feelings and my decisions. I think because of this shared power, the guilt of making choices against my conscience and against what others think I should gives me a lot of anxiety. To not have to face this guilt, I would rather just be powerless and lie to myself that I don’t have control over my actions and emotions. But that is simply not true and I must confront this guilt. I must ask what it is trying to tell me and maybe it will teach me something. Instead of walking in a circle, I will start to walk in a straight line. It’s 2:17 am. This entire week since Tuesday, I binged watched the Heavenly Idol. My response to stress and overwhelm is to escape and procrastinate. But I must go to bed now and stop this cycle of being awake at 2 am / 3 am. Not because I feel like I should, but because I can and want to do that. In order to live this “new” life that You had given me, the narrative of my life cannot be the same as it the “old” life. There must be new narratives. 

Writing again in this secret place, my thoughts and feelings concur with those on reddit but also not at the same time. I wish I had watched the first 10 episodes. But maybe knowing the ending, the first 10 episodes would have much more depth and meaning. 

It was a satisfying ending. The writers appealed to the love and hope we were all looking for. But I think I found more than that. When she regained her last memory, he interjected her and said that we should not have met because my birth led to your father’s death. If knowing those circumstances, they should have been enemies. But instead, they met and got intertwined with each other because of love. 

They were married before they departed. He did what he needed to. She sacrificed what she needed to. Those who were selfishly seeking power never ended up repenting and was burned up in flames. But those who chose the righteous decision ended up getting a second chance in life and all lived through. Jin Bu Yeon said that the shadow who embraces the light shall not be dark. And in the very last scene, we see them using their powers together as husband and wife. 

Thankful for the show to have existed, thankful to have watched it and it again reaffirms the image I had about life with my husband. My prayers have suddenly gotten more desperate and more specific. It seems farther and farther away from what I could achieve, but closer to what would be a gift so recognizably from You. 

I’ve been following this drama about a world of these power mages, the monarch and evil sorcery that exists. Amongst the most evil sorcery is one where the person performing it would switch souls with another and take over their body essentially killing them. 

Throughout the drama I found the main message that the writers wanted to get across was the relationship between power and greed. A powerful assassin was going to switch her soul, but instead ended up losing all her power. She meets a man who’s energy gate was closed as to not access power. In exchange for opening the energy gate, he agrees to help her regain her power. But they fall in love, they make friends and they cherish the people around them. In the end, they both choose to lose their power.

The king and the rest of the assembly is greedy for power. They want to keep switching into bodies so to gain power and continue to live eternally. The righteous understands that all life and power will eventually die and that is the natural course. Selfish desire and greed to extend life while hurting others is evil 

The love story between the powerful assassin and the King’s Star is bitter and sad. They must sacrifice their selfish desire to do what is right. And that is what they do, that is what makes them more righteous than the king and the other powerful mages. 

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, ‘Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil’ Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behaviour in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit. After being made alive, he went and made proclamation to the imprisoned spirits - to those who were obedient long ago when God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built. In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, and this water symbolizes baptism that now save you also - not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a clear conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who has gone into heaven and is God’s right hand - with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him.” (1 Peter 3:8-22) 

It is a difficult reality to grasp that I have died and saved by Christ through His Spirit. When I accepted Christ, continuing on from when I was baptized and until now, I am being made new. I am being refined by Him so that I can live a life that is fragrant of His Spirit. That His Spirit will takeover my life. The “me” before Christ was someone who was fearful, who was angry, who wanted attention and to be loved, someone who lied and hides. But this is not the “me” that I a becoming. The “me” that I am becoming is someone who loves, who perseveres, who is faithful and gentle, who is kind and patient, someone who has full confidence that the Father loves her and that she can rest on that truth. There is no need to please others, nor is there a need for external comfort or validation. I am forgiven because I have accepted the gift. I have given my life to You as a living sacrifice. And so my prayer is for You to show me the way to live this out. Please speak louder than all of my insecurities and the human desires in my heart. 

#alchemyofsoulS2

Night Run

I wish I took a photo of the False Creek while I was on this run. But no picture could describe how beautiful it was. The air was crisp. It was frosty almost like when you first open the freezer and the refreshing cold air travels through your whole body. The first few strides felt so good! I gained momentum, one step after another, getting faster and faster to feel the cold air snap past my face. I reached the stairs and jogged up catching my breath at the top. The cars swish past on the bridge and as I run across, I see both seawalls hug against the inlet. I see boats parked. I see one speed boat quietly zipping through the night. I run down the bridge and turn through the winding way. I am on the other side of the water now. When I reached the foot of the bridge and keep running out, I am in direct vision of the cityscape and the stars shining so clearly. I cried out in joy to You that it was so beautiful. Nothing could capture it quite like the experience I have in my head. The best I could is with these words, but still it isn’t enough. A picture maybe? But it doesn’t convey exactly. My thought stop because that is what an artist does. To use these mediums to convey the beauty and emotion of the artist. My smile is so big as I keep running, rounding out the last leg of the route. I’m steady and I keep pace with my breath. I reach the stadiums and thought about how I am going to watch a Canucks game tomorrow because the partner offered free tickets. I thought about how I feel so blessed and so grateful to be thanked. Gratitude makes me feel beautiful. I so appreciate this partner and so glad that he was what I needed in the work place. God, You know me more than I know myself and as reluctant and pessimistic I am about change, You always know what I love and need more than I do. My heart is full as I keep going past the Science World. I see a couple sitting together with Starbucks under the bright light watching the night view. I am now back to the same side of the water. The side where I live. I see the Tesoro building in full view. I can see that this building will complete soon. Whenever I get to my side of the seawall, I am reminded me of the ex-boyfriend and the last Him. What a contrast between the two, but yet the outcome and the heartbreak was almost just the same. You’ve healed me so quietly that I didn’t even know it happened. The music stops and I tried to play it again, but decided that the music should be stopped. And then I arrive at the bridge and I halt my running. I decide to walk the way back from the bridge. I smile and I say to You, “This is so so beautiful!”. Heaven must look like this except without sin and all Your people will worship You. I smile all the way back and when I turn towards the straight away - I see the “palace”. The garden that live in. This has been truly a jubilee year. A year of rest. A year of enjoyment of the fruits of Your labour in my life. It is the end of the day and I am here writing to You. 

Thank You for Your love and grace. I have so many things I want to ask for but also none at the same time because what I already have now is perfect. 

It is so beautiful when someone loves another despite the hardships and the difficulties. There is something is touching when someone says, “nonetheless, I still enjoy the time I spend with you and want to continue to do that.”