I think I’ll always have this whole in my heart. Will I ever stop missing it? The feeling of packing my backpack up for the day, then leaving with my Pret-A-Manger in my hand, empty train carriage awaiting me? Will I ever get over the small but mighty things? Like the feeling of coming home after school and crawling into my bed I loved so much? Will I ever get over the memories of walking into my kitchen for flat dinner? Or get over the memories? Will I ever stop missing not just the place, but the experience and the people too? Will I ever get over heading to the station with my friends, only to imagine what would await us at our destination? Will I ever stop missing the me that I met when I was there? The bold grinned, fearless, strong me? Will she ever come back? She was so at ease, she seemed more like herself than she ever will be. Will I ever get over getting on a train, solo, heading to London for the day? When will I ever get to do that again? Will I ever stop missing the feeling of exploration ripping my my chest, and the wild heart that went with it? Will I ever comprehend just your unique this opportunity was? And will I ever understand that no matter what I think, or how much I wish, that will never, ever be again. I should be grateful, and trust me I am. But I feel like this whole inside of my heart will always be there, and sure, one day it might heal, but always as a scar at least it shall remain.

when simone de beauvoir said “i’m reliving it, neutralizing it, and transforming it into an inoffensive past that i can keep in my heart without either disowning it or suffering from it. that’s not easy. it’s at once painful and poetic.”

“It’s a matter of time ‘til our compass stands still”

- Sleeping At Last

ad astra per aspera

courage:

noun

to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart

Life is too short. I've realized that my days are too numbered to spend my time around people who make me feel unloved or unsupported. I've realized that I don't have enough time to spend it worrying about what others think of me. I've realized that I don't have the energy to direct it at things that don't serve me. I've realized that I only have so much time to spend doing the things I love. I've come to terms that I won't get to do everything in life, but I've decided that the things I do get to do are going to be things I won't regret.

j.m.

Let It Be Healing will come when we stop picking at our wounds with shame and guilt.

R.H. Swaney, Lovely Seeds

I'm imprisoned in the travels of my own mind.

j.m.

You will still see the world. You will still get to experience all the amazing things you were supposed to. You will still get to smell the flowers and see all the bright colors they have to offer. You will still get to walk along the canals and eat all the yummy food. You will still get to walk along the bridge and on the castle grounds. You will still get to stumble along the cobblestone and see those red-roofed buildings you have come to love. You will still get to walk along the mountain giants and ride all the trains. You will still get to fly high above an unknown world. You will still get to experience the fairy-tale village and wander around exploring. You will still get to see the unique, cute, little buildings and doors. You will still get to smell all the baked goodies you've been waiting for. You will still get to see the tower after all of those years of dreaming. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this will all be here, waiting for you when this is done. The dream isn't gone, it's just on hold and until then, the flowers will grow again. The canals will still be there. The roofs will become more vivid. The mountains will still stand tall. The village will be awaiting you and your visit. The desserts will be sweeter when you go.

j.m.

Sometimes, it's hard to let go of what would have been. It's hard to let go of all the things you would have done. It's hard to let go of all the things you would have seen, all the things you would have tasted, all the things you would have felt. Sometimes, all you can do is let it hurt  and realize that the dream isn't over.

j.m.

You’re going to feel uncomfortable in your new world for a bit. It always does feel strange to be knocked out of your comfort zone. There is a hunger in you, Clark. A fearlessness. You just buried it, like most people do. Just live well. Just live.

Jojo Moyes, Me Before You

(And I know you're worried about what it takes to live, to speak, to start to feel better.) It takes time. But time is all it takes. Not your heart. Not your life Just time.

Iain S. Thomas, Every Word You Cannot Say

Someday I will run far, far away from this place.

Unknown

I need you to understand that it is okay to have a soul that is both tender and tired. I need you to understand that it is okay to be gentle with yourself, that it is okay to feel what you are feeling, that it is okay to let it all crack within the weight of your bones. I need you to know that it is okay to not be okay, that it is okay to feel sad even if you do not fully understand it. I need you to know that you do not have to live in one extreme. That you do not have to force yourself to feel perpetual happiness, that you do not have to sit with your damage and make a home out of it. I need you to know that you exist in multitudes.

Bianca Sparacino

You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems and suffer and understand, for all that is life.

Jiddu Krishnamurti (via quotemadness)