identifiedasawhat
a thing, not a person
struggling with chronic machiavellianism. it’s not a good thing and i don’t want to be edgy about it, but it hurts.
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doing nice things for people for attention or praise is okay. it’s okay to have another motive behind what you’re doing. you still added kindness to the world. you still tried and did your best and i’m proud of you! kindness is hard and confusing when you were never exposed to it!! cheers to everyone trying to be kind in a body that rejects that very notion.
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Things that don’t make you a bad person:
Displaying “scary” symptoms of mental illness
Being diagnosed with multiple disorders
Having one or various personality disorders
Being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, or ASPD
Having very low empathy, or no empathy
Having symptoms that cause anger, emptiness, or paranoia
Having triggers or “strange” personal boundaries
Needing extra help or accommodations
Having intrusive thoughts about upsetting or scary topics
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As someone with violent and even homicidal ideation, I think the choices people make are far more indicative of their moral character than anything else.
Thoughts mean nothing. Thoughtcrimes don't exist, especially because what we think is out of our control. If you're not running around hurting people or advocating for others hurting people, then you're fine. For the love of fuck stop stigmatizing mental illnesses and and the unsavory symptoms some of them tend to have.
People can't help it whether they have intrusive thoughts or even fantasize about violence. It doesn't mean we're going to do it. I'm not going to apologize for my symptoms nor does someone finding them off-putting give them a license to be ableist/sanist about it.
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I feel complimented when someone says they feel safe with me, but it also makes me question their judgement.
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Obviously we don't wanna be called bad irredeemable people for something we can't control but I think a lot of us antisocials have that urge to push back when called good people.
Good people are vulnerable, good people get hurt and taken advantage of.
"You're a good person" can feel like an insult or a threat when you were taught that anyone could be out to get you.
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Some things I struggle with related to my ASPD
Disclaimer: I only talk about my own experiences which might or might not add up for other people with experiences of other people with ASPD.
The first thing I want to mention here is being extremely impulsive. That’s actually something which completely throws me off every time. I am getting drunk because of an impulse, my account is constantly negative and I have one bad idea after another. I usually speak or act first before I think and it’s getting to a point where I am actually really bothered by it.
The second thing would be the immense boredom. That’s something which definitely plays into my bad ideas and which also increases the difficulty of thinking before acting. I’m just so bored that anything which might help me with it is welcome, be it getting drunk, stealing money from my job or simply changing my layout (wish that would be the thing I’m always doing lmao).
Third, the concept of consequences is something which I don’t understand. I usually don’t care about consequences until those consequences are unavoidable. It makes my brain go wild and it also plays into being impulsive because consequences is the least of my problems even though it should be the first one.
Fourth, I’m not able to stay loyal to one person because otherwise I get bored of them really quickly. I’m not really able to have any type of deep connection because I just don’t care about people enough to make it worth it. Even with people I thought I have a connection to I usually lose interest after a few weeks.
This will be continued another time, now I’m too tired lmao.
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You gotta love how all those empath’s give people with ASPD and NPD the recovery advice of “just be better people”. Like yes hun, I’ll just “try harder” not like this is a condition often caused by childhood trauma and is largely a very long established and ingrained defense mechanism that kept me alive and as a result has created a strong foundation of my identity and personality and thus is a really complex and difficult thing to untangle.
I’ll just be a better person by thinking harder about how horrible I am, because yes. That is how this works.
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I’m once again having to confront the fact that most people don’t have to deal with the kind of crushing, existential boredom that I’m constantly trying to avoid because of my aspd.
I’ll do something reckless and everyone is up in arms about how it’s not like me, I know better, they understand I’m bored but not why I would see that as an alternative, and it’s like. No, you don’t understand what this boredom feels like. Everything is hollow and ash and gray. It crawls under my skin and numbs out every other feeling but itself, until there’s nothing but The Boredom left. It’s apathy to such an extreme that anything becomes possible, any escape route is equally attractive, no matter what the collateral damage might be.
Every action in my life is taken in an effort to escape The Boredom. Every relationship exists based on how much that person can help me fight The Boredom. All plans I make for the future are determined by how much that path will keep The Boredom at bay. It controls everything, the need to escape it is the primary need in life, outweighing any basic survival need even.
I take responsibility for the reckless things I do, but I hate when people try to shame me by saying it’s not like me to do something like that, because it is like me. I’m having to find some form of entertainment every second of the day to stay alive. Recklessness is what happens when all my usual failsafe plans fall through, usually because of someone else failing to uphold their part of an agreement.
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One of the worst reactions someone can have to finding out about my ASPD is to always assume that whatever I say is either because I lie or manipulation.
I ask them how their day went? They think I don’t care and just ask about it so I can talk about myself afterwards.
I make them a compliment? They think that I lie because I want to manipulate them.
I do literally anything nice for them? Well, too bad that they will assume that I only have bad intentions with that.
Don’t do that. People with ASPD and people with NPD can and are sincere about certain stuff too, not everything we say is automatically a lie. Don’t just assume we are automatically bored of you or that we automatically dislike you just because of our PD.
Most of us actually have their own individual personality (a shocker, I know) and you can’t just assume that we are all evil because that one LARPer on reddit said he likes to torture kittens.
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how do you say:
"sorry I don't want to be with you actually, I was just unexpectedly getting serotonin from our interactions...I'm not getting that anymore and talking to you is becoming a burden so I'm going to stop :/"
without causing a commotion
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something I hate in particular about personality disorders is I so rarely feel like something is wrong. I know something is wrong, I suffer so much from these disorders, but they're also just the way I am and there was no before I have to compare to. it's hard to see what's wrong and just how bad things are when I don't have any other frame of reference. I don't understand what the life of someone with a healthy personality is like because I've never lived that life so it's easy to assume everyone feels and thinks the same way as I do.
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advice for a crash?
oof i’m here with you so here’s what i’m doing to stay sane:
- small amounts of weight lifting (i know i’ll stress my body out beyond measure if given the chance so i only work with toning barbells)
- like 8 showers a day (it’s something to do instead of spiraling. put on music and turn your lights off.)
- online narc/aspd/low empathy communities (we all need attention and affection sometimes, and these groups are usually cool with attention seeking behavior)
- really loud music (block that negativity)
- go to hobby lobby (steal from here dont buy) or michaels and get a good amount of nonsense (new tedious hobbies help me take my mind off of myself)
-do your makeup/hair/get dressed up (make yourself feel good from the outside in, not always advisable but sometimes helps)
- movies about terrible people (this is a me thing but i’m like “oh look at least i’m not a genocidal dictator, just a person)
- scream about it to people (if you need anything or you feel like it’s too much, hit up your friends. or if they don’t exist or don’t understand, feel free to DM me and i’ll listen to you vent)
i’m sorry you’re going through this anon. crashes are undoubtedly the worst part of NPD and i’m here for you. you deserve happiness and comfort. you deserve to not feel like shit.
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