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mack
[she/her/they/them] im a producer of the “either” podcast, though i also occasionally draw stuff :)
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Here’s some crack fics I wrote a month ago that haunt my restless dreams. Behold.
———
The archive is on fire
this bothers nobody.
the tape recorder is on, rolling like proud Mary.
”Martin came into work today, fucking hate that man. Wish he would die. I’m such a good boss”
the door opens, and in comes Martin Crackhorn. “Sup you sexy snake, want some leaf juice?” “Fuck off you bastard, I’m reading about the mentally Ill.”
martin blushes.
Tim bursts through the wall like the kill aid man, dressed head to dog in mr bonzo merch. And lingerie, but no one cares about that—there are more pressing matters.
“I solved the arg mother fuckers, here’s my girlfriend.” Alice hand drier walked in on the ceiling, because trans people don’t like physics or any of its motives. “Wassup bitches, gimme a twenty.”
“Why?” Sasha asks, crawling out from her desk chewing a table. “Because I’m so sexy that’s why.”
They all nod in agreement.
“Welp,” Elias says, notifying to everyone that he was still there with a slap of his 200 hundred year old knees. “I’m getting another divorce today, can’t stick around.”
“Leave my dad alone!” Martin and Tim say, glaring at each other before Martin stabs Tim in the elbow. “They! That was new!!”
Jon sighs. “I wish mr spider had just eaten me instead of billy wheeler.”
“Womp womp” says nikola, taking his ear and chewing it like Tabasco.
“I hate this life.” Gerry says, “make out with me,” says the sexy yellow door.
“No thanks, I’m a book, we will never work.” Micheal runs away crying.
“what did you just say to my grandson?” Gertrude has risen from the dead. “I think you’re confused gramma.” “No, I’m Gertrude.”
Eric is in the corner putting his eyes back in, but they’re backwards and he is horrified by the sight of his own Brian.
”marry me Juliet,” says Martin to his emotionally constipated boss. “No! I’m busy.” He picks up the binoculars and looks at Tim who is sat two feet from him on Alice’s lap.
“Omg that’s so gay.” Alice is weeping openly now.
Peter walks in, the room goes misty.
“There you are, my prized little problem.”
“Dad!” Elias gets a weird look, but no one follows up on it because Tim is missing both his girlfriend and his knees.
Peter dips out after punching Jon in the emotions.
”I can see it all.” Jon gets punched by Daisy, who immediately smooches bassira on the forehead before jumping into the coffin.
“Well,” “shit,” Berlin and Hoop are pale and normal looking, pay no attention to the zippers on their necks.
”it’s time to d-d-d-duel!” Mary has been skinned. Everyone ignores her. As they should.
“Well,” Martin wants to say he didn’t see this coming, but he did. “I’m going to marry you.”
“Oh word?” Jon and Martin have a wedding in spring. It is delightful, no one dies, and the priest is just happy to be free from the meaty clutch.
Jared hopworth is the flower girl. It does not end well.
The eyepocolypse is avoided, but Daisy still does because it’s what she deserves.
Elias gets killed by jurgen lightener, who immediately dies of Ligma.
All is well, except for Tim. He is suffering.
Click.
———
Heavy metal blasts from her mouth.
”wassup twot, where’s the cheese?” Mary sighed. “We ‘ave non.” “Bullshit, give me the cheese before I ceaseless watcher you.”
Mary visibly tenses. She pulls out an uno reverse.
Gertrude eats it.
”Dearly beloved, get wrecked.” Gertrude does a backflip.
”I want your lungs.” “No, that’s gay.”
The crusty dusty old bitches fight. Gertrude wins, the absolute girlboss.
Micheal comes out from Gerry’s room, no one ask why.
“Oh no!” Gertrude’s eyebrows run away. “The consequences of my actions!”
“I’m going to kill you.”
“Nuh uh.”
.
.
.
a gunshot rings out.
Gerry is an orphan, Mary is still alive, Micheal is single, and Gertrude is secretly John Cena, hence why the eye couldn’t see her.
”if you don’t like my killer attitude—“
Eric bursts in. “You’re cheating on me?!”
“What? No?” Gertrude is a confused old lady.
“Not you— her.” “Oh, yes. She’s a lying scumbag.”
Eric gets the rusty shears, but trips and dies. Not on the shears, but from embarrassment and testicular blueness.
“Gerry wants to die.” No one knows who said it, but it’s very true.
So he does.
momstermf enermguy. Bag for lumgs.
”I want to marry you so that we can divorce.” “Alright Elias, calm your saggy tits.”
No one is happy, and Micheal is still a door.
“Don’t @ me.” Gertrude is dead now, and all is at peace.
———
Martin was hungy. Tim owned a pet gorldfish.
Can I make it anymore obvious?
”Martini, you absolute gay barnacle, have you seen my fish Charles-Jevil—“
Marin is choking on the fish. Greedy bastard.
Jon is crying in disappointment and also because of his severe and chronic lack of parents.
Sasha is dead. No one knows why.
Tim has a gun, and breaks through a wall just to walk back in through the front door.
Will wood is blasting from every device, electronic and not.
It’s just Red Moon. Again, and again.
Elias walks in, hears will wood, and because he is a homophobe he immediately dies.
Agnes would have come, but she was on a date with her boyfriend because they deserve happiness and they get it.
Tim has been c4’d by Martin. The audience cheers, then weeps until the archive is flooded.
”My paper-work!” “Jon you fucking neek, no one cares about the fucking boxes you foolish bitch!!”
Jon is having a panic attack, and the water has eaten his shoes.
Tim has forgotten his anger, and since he is a ghost, he can get his pet fish back from Hades, Orpheus style.
Spoiler, he looked back. She died.
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“we’ve all got regrets. but we can’t undo what’s done.”
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hey burgergang i thought I should let y’all know that I am writing a real and serious fanfic for once in my life driven by nothing but the visceral rage i felt upon seeing that there was only one f/f fic for the entire fandom. take this. I’ve got two chapters done and another one that i paused writing to make this post. it’s lesbian visibility week you have to read it (JOKE)
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omg hiiiiiii esther roberts ars paradoxica hiiiiiiiii
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Elias was so evil for this smh. Leave his ass (or lack thereof) alone
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is this where the bonzorgasm starts - The Magnus Protocol 12: Getting Off
he's gonna "bite" their "87"s. and by their "87"s. haha. i mean their penaits
BONZO LAP DANCE WAAAGEHEH
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The way I need Gwen to have a Jonathan Sims arc, I need her to grow her hair out and wear a ratty t shirt and fall in love with her annoying coworker who gave her coffee once
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Go say hi shes so sweet :3333
Og Image
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*girl who doesn’t know her girlfriend just keeled over and went into a coma voice* im about to get soooo much pussy
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well, i would have been a sailor / a-sailing i would go
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The Eye Cries With Them
Are you sure about this?
No.
But I love you.
I love you too.
…that’s the deal.
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