I havent been here for over a year. Maybe I should come more often. I have a lot to write but I lost my will to talk about anything.

Whatever. Real post here. I was siting in the darkness in a room, so would pretend to be empty, drinking wine to calm my disgust as I were an old lover, waiting for a man who had to go down for the sudden visit of his son of my age. Being alone, hearing the sound of his son’s voice, I felt like crap. This shouldnt be the life I should be living, but the life he had, talking about drinking with his friends and getting a better job. As if there were no secret to his father, I thought. As if maybe he hasn’t ruin himself sometimes, I thought. But how natural it really is, to ruin yourself like this? Or to let people ruin you too? I’m not sure. And we were supposed to be so more alike, but he was downstairs talking about his life to his father and I was upstairs trying not to cry. When he came back, he showed me a picture of his happy boys, all normal and smiling and finishing college, getting jobs and starting relationships. I am their age but he didn’t see me like that. And I felt so away of that, that I couldn’t see myself either. Somehow, they, having the blood of their father running through their veins didn’t made them closer to that feeling, to where I was, no more than me upstairs trying to feel invisible. He talking to his father and having a close relationship with him didn’t make him closer to the disgusting feeling or corruption I felt with him than me. Because it was all coming from my own actions. The anger and disgust came from within me, never from those men I tried to tell myself were giving their own share of disgust. Since I was a teen, always trying to think I was smart, making them feel they were using me when I was using them to fill up my own agenda of self hate. Thinking I was hurt but they were gross, but now I feel I’m the one who is gross. I’ve been around this for so long, that it’s part of me and I have my own guilt and disgust to carry forever. I will always regret this. There’s something in my stomach to reminds me how disgusting it is every time someone gets to close or try to have any intention. There’s always something heavy, deep in my guts, to reminds me how sick it is. It will follow me the rest of my life. And there’s no way to get rid of it. I want to restart myself.

In the same week, I have had three boys sending me messages about how my two posts a year on facebook show that I’m sad and depressed and how that meme I shared in 2015 about crying tell them I’m insecure. Why are boys like this??

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No pain, no sadness and no emptiness.

You didn’t die. There’s no deal. You were only 20 years old. The devil didn’t take your soul. Your breath is still yours. Your body, your mind and your soul are still there.

This story of the couple of days I took to think.

That’s the title. I left. I got lost. I found people with wine and vodka. I asked someone to give me a gun. I asked someone to kill me. A boy told me to wake up and live and other silly stuff. I laughed. I wrote a last note on a window. I woke up in a different house. I got drunk. I watched a movie. Got some food. I left and didn’t say goodbye.

I’m pathetic. I’m stupid. I really think I can’t stand a day more. I’ve lost control and i think it’s over. I am not myself anymore. I’m lost.

When I thought he died, I used to go to bed saying to no one that I’d give my soul for him to come back to me, to open his eyes and talk to me. I promised that it wouldn’t matter if I had to stay out of his life as long as he were happy. The devil listened and made it true. He doesn’t want me close to him anymore but I’m so happy. I’m so lucky and so happy. He wants to live. And I’m already dead. That was the deal.

please please please please

What if it doesnt work and I just mess it up even more

please i just want to die, without people thinking i did it, without people knowing what i was feeling, with no one thinking about it

I’m so alone and so tired

and even so i’m worried i could be an inconvenience for someone

A picture I didn’t know it was being taken was in the cover of an art magazine. I hurt my hand so I was taking the airbrush wrong and my drawing was a embarrassing mess. Why ..

I painted a lot today and I feel so drained and sad. I don’t think I can keep doing this. I think art isn’t for me anymore. I feel so much sadness and frustration. I can’t imagine doing this all my life feeling like this. I don’t want this feeling to be linked to art. It’s like it gives me something amazing but rejects me at the same time. I hate these feelings. Like remembering all the suffering that has come because of art and having it all at once.

Lately it’s difficult to control my feelings. When I was younger I had issues controlling my anger but I worked on it and a few years ago, I could never get angry. But since I started recovering I think my feelings are out of control. I feel a lot of anger and resentment. And to be honest, I’m not sure towards what. Most of the time, I think it’s for my parents, but then I think that maybe I’m just mad at what happened and I don’t know where to direct my anger. And I cry a lot lately. I’ve always cried a lot, but lately it’s a lot more. Maybe I’m just stressed.

There’s a lot of things that didn’t happen as I wanted. And I’m working in accepting that, I think I can live with that. If I work hard, I can live with that. I know it won’t happen, and I know it’s over. But I think I’m still in the process of letting go.

My sister is studying art. Which is great, I’m happy for her. I really really am. She’s amazing, and is working so hard. I know she’s braver than me. But I also know we weren’t under the same circumstances. None of my sister were. And I can’t help to feel anger and jealousy. But I don’t want to be that kind of person, I really don’t. But I feel so jealous that she got the chance, that she can spend so much time doing what makes her happy and has so much support. Because she’s really good. A few days ago, my father told me I shouldn’t complain because I didn’t work hard enough. And I didn’t say anything, I’m really tired of it. But my mom said “She did, we didn’t have the resources for her to study”. And I felt so glad, I don’t know. I worked so hard, I really did. Maybe I should had worked harder, you can always work harder, but I really really worked hard. I was killing myself for it. Since I was a child. But there were always “You’re not good enough”, “you can’t live of it”, “you don’t need the help your sisters need”, “you’re too smart for it, you should do this instead”. And I didn’t have any self esteem. I know at the end, it was my fault, because I didn’t trust myself enough, and I was scared of that being true, or letting them down. It was my fault. But I think it could have been easier if I wouldn’t had listened to all of that. Even now, it’s always “Elizabeth can do it, she should do it.” “You’re not that kind of person”. And I always felt a different pressure. To always help everyone else. Life would had taken care of letting me know how hard would be. Even now, I have to think of taking care of my parents. I’m one of the younger, and I shouldn’t have to take care of everything. I shouldn’t be so worried about it. Because we weren’t a team, I was her child. And things weren’t easier for me as they thought they were, it was because I was working so hard. And every time I ask for help, it’s always the same answer “You don’t need help, you can do it alone, your sister need more help”. And they were always so angry at me, and my sisters got used to treat me like that too. So now, I feel so jealous that they got the chance to have fun and enjoy their lives and I was always working on what I wanted and didn’t happen. And they have so much support always. I get angry. But I want to be happy for them, I don’t want to be a bad person. Sometimes they tell me I always blame everyone but me. I know I’m angry, but I’m the angrier at me than anyone else. And I wanna say that my sisters didn’t had to do what I did, they got all the chances “because they needed them more”, they always got the chances to do what they wanted “because that’s how they are but you’re more responsible, you know better”. Because I had to be the example. When my sister were bad at something, I was punished too, because I should had helped them, because I was the example. And I don’t think they even noticed how different they treated me. And the reasons I get angry now are so small, but I’m so angry. I’m angry they help them so much. Of course I want that for them, but what about me? I needed help too. I was sick and I’m still sick, I can’t do it all. I need help. And I want to be happy too. I want to do things to feel happy too, but it’s too late now, nothing makes me happy anymore. And I’m so angry and jealous. I feel so childish. What can I do?

Lately I find myself telling my mom things like “well, you can’t always do what you want, right?” or “You need to sacrifice things, right?” or “Some people have it worse”. And those are the things she used to tell me, and I think I tell her that because I’m angry.. I don’t want to say those thing, I don’t believe on them. And I know how much they hurt, I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I don’t know how to stop being so angry.

I have no ambitions. I don’t want anything. Not anymore. I don’t even want to be happy anymore. I just want to stop being a bother to everyone. I want to stop feeling so much. I want them all to be happy, honestly, I don’t want to have these toxic feelings anymore.

it’s past 4am but I couldn’t sleep and I thought it might be the lack of eating so I got up but i just feel pain and it’s not that. I painted all day and I feel so so bad but I don’t clearly understand it yet. Why is it so hard and painful to paint. I think I get it, or some of it, but I’m not really sure. And I think I’m done, it doesn’t even feel that sad anymore because it’s so painful, I can’t keep doing it. It might be some love in there still, I don’t even know anymore, but the pain and sadness is bigger now. I don’t want to keep doing it.

It took me a while to come back here.

There are things I want to write about, things that has happened a time ago, but I never do. I guess I feel it’s not worth it. Or because I don’t do anything else besides what I need to do. But I wanted to write this now, I’m not sure why.

The place I sing for is going to close. A new bigger and more expensive company is going to open in the city and all the support goes for bigger companies, so small business will close. My teacher told us about it a few weeks back but I haven’t told anyone yet. I don’t want to think about it. There’s no going to be any warning. He said we could last until July, the most, or I could go tomorrow and find out is closed.

When he told us about it, no one said anything. We all just stayed there in silence. I was so emotional, I felt I could cry. I have only been there for about two years, but there’s people who has sang for them for about 6 or more. Every now and then, people leave and new trainees come, but there were always the ones that I knew would always stay. And we all were there in silence, no one could said anything. There’s nothing we can do. When a huge company like this is coming to the city, we can’t compete. He said we better started practicing and without thinking I said “I don’t feel like practicing anymore”, but he was so nice, he said “Come on, let’s make the best of the time we have”. And the rest of the practice, everyone were smiling and making jokes, and the teacher had so much energy, but it was so obvious everyone was working so hard to end that feeling of sadness. It was so sad to see that scene.

It was so hard to find something that made me happy. I know I’m not entirely happy yet, but this helped me a lot. When I was in my worse, this helped me a lot. And it felt like a family. I haven’t been there the longest, but I had stayed enough to be part of the team. Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I try not to think about it, but I’m afraid any day I could go and the place wouldn’t be open anymore. I tell myself to work harder now, make the most of the last practices, but I feel so sad. It says a lot about me, that in a moment like this that is when I should want to work harder, to use the last practices to learn the most I can, instead I feel there’s no point. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. We are all waiting and I can see everyone is stressed and reacts badly to any sign that is coming to an end. It’s so hard to arrive and see there’s a few people left. And to see teachers cleaning their spaces.

It’s so unfair that bigger places take everything. I asked about it and it sounds like a huge thing to be there. But I wonder how many people will be able to go. How many people who enjoy music but don’t want to live of it will have to stop doing it because there aren’t more options anymore than to be there. How difficult would it be to be there. How less of a family would feel. It sounds like one of those very strict and competitive places. But a lot of work too, which made me feel a bit excited to be honest. But I know I couldn’t go there. It seems to be affiliated to the place I used to paint for when I was younger. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t want to say I used to be there too. I thought about it and it was so much work at that time, it was so hard to be there but I was so happy too, doing something I loved. And I had so much fun. But right now, I wouldn’t be strong enough, so there’s not even a wish to try. That place. To go back to that place, I don’t know how I would feel.

Right now, I’m not going to think more about it, I’ll just work the same until it’s over. There’s not more to do. But as I haven’t told anyone, I guess I wanted to talk or let my feelings about it go out and came here. I feel that if I try to talk about it with someone, they wouldn’t think it’s a big deal, maybe that happened just in time now that I finished collage, because I was a coward and never said anyone I enjoyed it. Because I wanted to go better before people knowing how happy it made me. I know I got a lot of good things the last couple of years. Maybe I’ll find something good about this later.

Why is happening this now? If only had happened a year or so earlier. I worked so hard, so hard to move on. I don't think I can go back now. I really love you, but I've been learning for years to love you differently and I can't go back. I feel so weird right now. I don't think my mind is in the right moment to deal with this now. Like dissociating. This few weeks have been the worst, I hate this is the beginning of the year. I don't want to go to the hospital today. I feel so weak. I haven't felt so weak in years. I really hate that I feel I have to come back here too. I hate to feel so much. I feel like I used to and it's so strong that I think I'm dreaming. That this isn't happening. I feel so sick and weak and strange or different.

No, you know what, I'm really angry. And sad and disappointed and angry. What is this? I know, I mean I know but ah,,, really. Why is always like this? So I'll swallow everything and accept it all, but I can't have a chance? As easily as that? I worked a lot harder than that. And I know I don't deserve anything but I worked a lot harder than that. I accepted a lot more, but how easily it seems when it comes to me. Right now I'm still so emotional, lately my mind isn't trusty so maybe coming here was a mistake and talking now was a mistake because I'm letting my unstable feelings talk for me, so maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind. Right now I just want to fix my head. And now I cant stop writing. It's a rollercoaster of emotions all day, so I don't trust what I think. I need to sleep and I need my pills and I need not to wake up. Ah,,, I really need not to wake up. I wish I hadn't woken up that day. Goodnight.

I'm here. I thought that I need to talk about things, or I'm not sure, to be honest I don't think it will last since even if a doctor asks me how i am i start shaking, I don't know why I really can't talk about my problems. But I want to know if it's better to do it, so now I'm back here to do something I dislike, I think. Today I spent almost all day in the hospital, as I've been spending almost everyday since weeks when I came back to the city. I don't have to do anything but to be present and now and then a doctor comes to talk to me, that I can't stand so I coincidencely go to the bathroom every time he comes and go out a minute before he leaves. I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk at all. But I did cried a lot today, almost all day. I did cried. I have cried every time. Then I came back home and it's the same, I should go to bed. But now after the mess of a day it was, I think I'm actually a little disappointed. Tho it might be the mess of feelings I have lately so I try not to think deeply about it. I'm so emotional lately too. And that's what I have been up lately, mostly. Tho there's more about family or why I have to see doctors everyday but I feel so weird right now that I better leave and I hope this isn't the consequence of that so tomorrow maybe I'll talk again. I wonder if it is worthy to write again. Really,,, these problems make me feel so ridiculous.

Everything is wrong lately. And I feel so lonely but I know it's my fault. I don't want to talk about my problems, I don't want to be that person and everytime I try to I feel ridiculous. But I know I'm pushing people away, I know it's not fair. I wanted to have something good to share too, things that I saw or did, I wanted to have something good to offer so I could be with someone without feeling ashamed. But I only have bad things. It can't be fair. I don't want to drown people with me, humans relationships are supposed to help you grown. So I never said anything, but that's bad too, I was being selfish, because it made me feel happy and normal to know about them, about their good things but I wasn't giving anything back. Ever since I left hospital a few years ago, I feel everything is a dream, or that I shouldn't be having anything of this life, like I'm taking someone else's moments because I lost my place in the world. But I need to move on, I really need to move on, I want to but I don't know how. And time is passing and no one is waiting for me. I want to have a nice life too, I want things to feel happy about too, but I have hospitals and pills and shame. I don't know what to do. I don't know.