post 1: my feelings about family thanksgiving

i've been racking my mind, looking for some way to get all my thoughts out. to get everything i've been keeping inside from eating me alive. i tried recording voice memos, which was very theraputic to say everything verbally and out loud. however, i was just too frustrated with how i couldn't stop crying, how high my voice is, how i kept getting distracted and loosing my train of thought, and how my living situation makes it impossible to sit down and record more.

i decided the best solution for this was just to make an old school blog to poor my heart out and get everything off my chest. a tell all for anyone who might stumble upon this blog. (which someone might due to my url being song lyrics[Miss. Swift is such a guilty pleasure, it's embarrassing. i'm so sorry]). i also apologize for any improper grammar, formatting, or punctuation, since i've never been the best at it all. i am trying, i promise.

when i tried the voice memos i really liked the episodic format, so i decided to keep this. now i'll hurry up and get into what i have to say.

at the time of writing this is nearly 12:30 am on monday but since i haven't slept yet, i'm counting it as sunday night. thursday was thanksgiving.

every thanksgiving my household visits my paternal grandparents house for thanksgiving. my paternal grandparents raised me and my brothers, which might seem fine, but they are extremely mentally, verbally and even physically abusive. this is a topic that will become reoccurring on this blog. around 2? 3? years ago, my grandmother started a new tradition where we talk about people we knew who passed and the impact they left on us. this could be a sweet and touching tradition to have, however, she purposefully uses this new tradition against me.

for context, when i was around 11 years old, a close friend of mine passed away. obviously, it impacted me greatly (but that could be it's own post some other day) and is something i've never properly processed, to the point i never even talk about it to my partner (i'll have to make a fun alias for them soon), and a lot of my personal triggers revolve around the summer the accident happened.

so every year, my grandmother starts her spiel about people who have passed to whoever this years guest is, then turning to me and insisting i "tell them all about your little friend". the first year this happened i ran to the bathroom in tears, she saw how it effected me. yet she continued on about private details involving the death of a 12 girl she never actually met. the second year she did this, i tried to play it off, but still hid in the bathroom to cry. this summer, the realization that thanksgiving was once again coming up hit me like a train, and i realized i can't let keep letting my family hurt me.

either late october or early november, i was spending time with my mother, which was a little unusual because i tend to not spend time with my relatives for reasons that will make more sense as i post more. she started going on and on about how she' s so glad that my brother is back (a future topic) and how we can have a nice family thanksgiving with everyone for the first time in years. that was when i informed her that if we were spending thanksgiving at my paternal grandparents' house, i would not be going. i explained why which caused me to cry and i hated it to much. i was so vulnerable. i can't afford to be vulnerable with my family. they're not the type of people you can be vulnerable with. i think this act of vulnerability gave my mother the impression that we had the type of mother-daughter relationship she always wanted (i'm a closeted trans man) and she seemed to want treat this vulnerability delicately. she often wasn't too kind with my few previous vulnerabilities. but she didn't say much about it.

i was then under the impression that i was safe, that i wouldn't be forced to walk right into the lions' den. only to discover that my parents visited my grandparents and brought up the problem. they wanted to make my grandmother promise to not bring it up again. i found this funny (in a ridiculous kind of way) since they would know more than anyone else that she isn't the type of person to correct mistakes and promise to stop doing things that hurt others. they should know more than anyone else that that woman puts her own convince over anyone else's well being or safety. she can't admit she's wrong or made a mistake. she's like a shark (i apologize to sharks for this analogy) and bringing up this concern was like pouring my blood in the water.

luckily my partner invited me to stay at their house during the holiday, and i did tell my mother i wasn't going. i thought they would understand. of all people, my parents would understand, right? thursday, my notifications kept going off with text message after text message asking where i was and insisting i be at my grandparents house before dinner was over. i silenced my phone and left them on read.

when i returned home, my mother was not happy. although she usually isn't when i get home normally. additionally, my brother "greeted" me at the door, which added an other layer of shittiness to it all. i just find it so frustrating that my whole family seems pissed off at me, when i explained my reasoning ahead of time, and just wanted to protect myself.

i've been writing for over an hour and i'm getting tired, so i should be heading to bed. especially since i have a paper due that i haven't even started.

i love you goodnight

- ghost ༼ つ ╹ ╹ ༽つ

hello my name is ghost i am in my twenties and this is where i talk about things

this is just a little space where i just over share and just lay it all out

i don’t know how you found this but i hope you enjoy it here

༼ つ ╹ ╹ ༽つ