i-have-no-void-and-i-must-scream
Let the bad times roll
Don't mind me, I'm just Scrap. I just needed a place to vent. to leave all my frustrations and ignore them.
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Hello
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Im like Constantly teetering on the edge of having a fucking eating disorder because I hate that I weigh this much, and the only thing really stopping me is that I forget I want to stop eating and I eat to avoid pain and then fucking kick myself for it later.
I think I just need a good stretch of bulimia, can't stop myself from eating, but I always realize my mistake, I should just fucking correct it. Throw it back up again. Because let's be honest, yeah, sure, EDs are seen as "not worth it" and give you a bunch of crap, but it Does also give you the one thing that all the trendy diets and pills and exercise can never give you: results. For all its many faults, it WILL make you skinnier. And I'm tired of trying to ignore that.
Like I know all the shit about it. It's not worth it, the weight won't stay off, constant mood swings and fatigue and headaches and whatnot. But what's the worst thing that could lead to, huh? Suicidal thoughts? I already want to kill myself because I can't fucking stand to look at this body. To BE in this body
And I'm doing the "Correct" things to do to lose weight. Hitting the gym, 4 mile walks pretty much daily, healthier foods, fewer snacks, more protein, less food overall, more water. AND ITS NOT FAST ENOUGH. I've been at it for months, and a couple people have Said that I look a little better, sure, But I don't Fucking FEEL IT. It FEELS like I'm trapped in the SAME fucking state I've always been in.
And I HATE this body, I CANNOT just learn to live with it! I run for 30 seconds and get winded for the next hour. I don't look good in Anything! I generate so much heat that I have trouble falling asleep. I go to tie my shoes and I can't see because my fat leg is in the way. I try to twist around and struggle because there's too much ME in my way.
This fucking sucks i cant fucking take this anymore. I want to hack off a leg or Slash my face or Chop off an Arm or Gut out my belly or Cut my hair or Flay My Skin or SOMETHING!!!!! FUCKING ANYTHING TO LET ME KNOW MY BODY CAN CHANGE GODDAMNIT!!!!!
Because it all comes down to this: I Can Not stand to live in this body anymore. So one of two things must happen. Either this body will change into a livable state... or I will stop living. And I've been reeeeeeally trying to make option one work buuuuut...
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Been feeling really out of it so I decided to make some food. And I managed to make a biiig sandwich with many ingredients. And then, when I get back to my room I set it down to move something.
And completely knocked my sandwich onto my carpet...
Jesus christ I wanna die
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I dont want to sleep right now, but I don't want to think either. Should I drink this monster energy to stay awake? Or should I do shots from that bottle I want to get rid of? Or should I do both just to see what happens?
My my, spoiled for choice. Decisions decisions...
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You know those things you find, sometimes videos sometimes games, where you look at them and go "that looks so good, I'm gonna save it for when I'm feeling down"
And then when you're feeling down, you can't find them again, because how Would you find them again. Of course I can't find it now, I didn't make sure in any way to put them somewhere I could find them again. Goddamn I hate my brain
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Goddamn, I made a blog to vent into, how pathetic.
I have friends, even some friends I'd trust with emotional support; why can't I ask them for help?
Because I don't want to be a burden? They'd tell me I'm not a burden! I know that!
But that's a lie, I know that. Them granting me any kind of support means I'm a burden on them. That's what support even means, it means you're weighing them down. Even if they choose to not burden themselves with me by giving me support, just asking them would make them worried for me.
They'll say I'm worth it! They value me enough that I am worth their support!
But they're wrong. They're wrong to value me as they do. Me, the spineless failure that can't handle when they need some emotional support. I can't even help them right. I'm worthless.
I try my best, that's all anyone can ask of me. I try my best to help them. And I Don't even know if im not enough! Maybe what I give Actually IS exactly what they need!
But it isn't though. I've always been good at interpreting if I've failed or succeeded. I always come short. They always realize that I'm not the right person to come to. I always fail
Fuck
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