What’s even the point

Sometimes I wonder why I even go on these days. I was hoping that I would come back to this blog and write something more uplifting, that I’m happy with my life and I can throw away the journals I’ve kept. But I just can’t.

My life is such a mess. I’m stuck at a job that I’m not even fully hired at. I could fired at the drop of a hat as a contractor. The work place is toxic and I’m always worried about what I say to what people. There’s so many hidden agendas that I don’t really know who to trust. While the pay is ok, it doesn’t compare to what everyone else I know is making. It’s not the kind of pay I’d even be able to rent apartment. I wish I could just go back to before I started college and pick a different major, maybe even a different college to be honest. The worst part of being stuck here is that it;s one of the best paying opportunities I have. Despite loving what I do, I can feel myself slipping. I don’t work as hard anymore. I have a harder time being able to smile and greet everyone at work. i’m just so tired and all the time. In a matter of 1 year, I’ve put on nearly 30 pounds. I can’t stop myself from stress eating. Going to the gym at 3am in the morning has been too difficult. Its amazing I manage to even go once a month. 

My relationship is crumbling. She told me a few months ago that she wanted to take a break, that she feels distant from me even though we’re only 30 minutes away. Even though we didn’t go on that break, I feel like my level of trust is gone. That trust’s been breached and i don’t know how I could ever heal it. She told me that I don’t matter to her as much as other people. It still hurts. I feel like all I’m giving more in this relationship than her. That I love her more than she does me. She seems to enjoy spending time with everyone else more than me and all I do is hold her back. Ever since that day, I’ve been thinking about just breaking up with her. She deserves someone better than me and it’s clear that she’s not happy with me. I think maybe after I get back from Christmas I’ll end it all. I’d be able to see my family one last time and I could break up with Jessica so she doesn’t have to be tied down anymore. I’m so tired all the time and I haven’t been the change in the world that I wanted to be. For someone useless like me, there’s no point in going on. 

Maybe i shouldnt browse fb

Idk why. Just checked who i know on fb was on subtle asian traits. Fb has that thing where under peoples names you can see what school they went to, where they work, etc. Looking at their accomplishments, it really makes me think that i havent done anything with my life. Everyone else looks so successful with their lives going to high profile schools, having important jobs, and accomplishing their dreams. Meanwhile, i fumbled through college, barely graduating. I spent the next 5 months unemployed, interviewing wherever i could just praying somebody would take me.

Sometimes i just want to end it all. All ive felt these past months was something between a cold emptiness and draining depression. It terrifies me to even think like this. If I didnt have her and my family back home, what would I do to myself? Theyre the only things keeping me from just letting go. I know that i'll never amount to anything, so why do i have to drag them down? Theyd probably be better without me.

Welcome lighteners! To OUR Dark World.

Emptying my mind here since my journal filled uppppp

Sometimes i'm scared you don't care about me. That i'll never be good enough for you. But thats why i try my best. To be sweet. To be kind. To be caring. Im sorry that im not everything you want. It aggravates me that im not perfect and its terrifiying me that one day it could all collapse. I hope that day never comes, i dont know what i'd do with myself.

Some nights I dream that you're gone. That you left me for someone because i wasnt good enough. I wake up crying, barely remembering whats real and isnt. The worst part, is that i can't talk to you about it. That youll see me as weak and vulnerable. So ill bottle it up, and keep spilling my thoughts. To this empty blog i hope no one follows.

How did I get so lucky;

to find someone like you that lingers in my mind throughout nearly every part of the day. To have someone that doesn’t simply tell me that things are going to get better, that things are alright, rather how to better a situation, to speak up, to speak what’s on my heart. We haven’t known each other for too long, but I’m honestly so glad that life threw you in my direction one random day. Hours spent with you over short periods of time, speaking about life, sharing stories of another time, randomly falling asleep in calls, the snores. Subtle things you did made my heart skips beats, my stomach fill with butterflies, the biggest cheesy smile. I crave you like no other, but I know that life will take us on the journey that’s meant for us, and I’m really hoping that you’re apart of it entirely.

She's the type of girl I wanna bend over and fuck, but at the same time hold so tightly and kiss so softly.