The End, Begins

Do you know that feeling after you read a good book? It feels empty, doesn’t it? It’s like you want to forget everything and read it again for the first time. I feel like I want to do the same with my life. I want to watch it like a movie and laugh at my stupidity. I want to see how my decisions led to this very moment. I mean, I don’t regret anything. I don’t mind missing on the train or the bus ride, I can walk just fine lol. My story have several chapters, you know, just like a book because I’m feeling extra.

The first chapter was probably the battle with myself. I’ve always hated being alive, I blamed myself for my parent’s misfortune. I feel like things would be better if I’m gone. I actually tried to kill myself in high school but a teacher saw me and I wasn’t able to do it. I’m not scared of death, I used to be so interested in death and the afterlife like a mad researcher haha. I wanted to know until when it would be painful if I die, or how long will the pain last, and what will happen to me after I die. You know, things like that. Can I really see people and watch my funeral as a ghost? My mom and dad, they will probably feel sad for a few months then they will forget about me like I didn’t exist. Life will be better when I’m gone, and I actually attempted to die several times but somebody or something would always stop me so I even get tired trying to die 😮‍💨

The next chapter after this is me trying to survive and fight. I don’t know, I got bored with trying to die and failing so why not fight and survive for a change? Haha. I tried to find something to live for and I thought, why not save lives? Isn’t it ironic when half of my life I’ve been trying to end my life and here I am aspiring to become a doctor. Weird. Anyway, yeah, I wanted to become a doctor and on that same chapter, I met someone and fell in love. I don’t really know how to deal with that feeling, you know. All your life you’ve been trying to die and now you’re in love? Where is this story going? Lol. But then, yeah, that happened. He’s probably my first love. It’s a one-sided love but I learned from that experience what love is about. Love is selfless and kind. I actually became possessive and jealous with that person but I realized that when you truly love someone, you let them go. You set them free so they can find their happiness and you disappear from their lives even if it breaks your heart because that’s love. And you move on, because you deserve to be loved and to be happy was well.

And now we’re here in the current chapter. What’s the theme of this chapter, exactly? I don’t know. I feel like I’m starting to change. I don’t value the same things I did before. I’m actually just…tired. It’s still not easy, I guess it never will. But I’m becoming stronger and bullsh*t proof. The best way to deal with difficult people is to not deal with them at all. Just ignore and let them be. I’m actually ready to make my dreams a reality. Yeah, for the nth time. I want to get married and build a family with someone I love. This time, it’ll be reciprocal.

Letters To My Future Love #1

To My Future Love,

Did you know, I went to a resort with my colleagues and it was really fun. I’m glad I’m surrounded by amazing people, we went there for research but after that we just goofed around. I want you to meet them someday, they’re really inspiring and I’m sure you’ll like them. One of my most wisest colleague told us about her love story and she said that when a person is meant for you, you’ll feel it. Everything will just click, maybe she meant that all your doubts will just disappear when you’re with the right person. Did you know that quote? I think I read it in The Alchemist, it says there that when you want something, the world will conspire to make it happen. Right now, I want to meet you. I wonder what kind of person I will be spending my lifetime with. I think I have a faint idea of who you are, you must be someone older or mature, a kind person, honest, respectful, faithful, hardworking, and loyal. You must be a good person, and God must’ve loved the both of us because He saved me from the wrong person.

In the future, when we finally meet and fall in love, I will tell you everything. I will tell you about my first love and my first heartbreak. I will tell you how I’ve loved that person secretly for five years, and how I prayed for his happiness. I know that he’s not the one for me. I know that God wanted me to let him go because he’s not the one I’m destined to be with. Despite the warnings and even though God tried to protect my heart, I still continued to love that person. Stupid, right? You will probably laugh at me when you hear this. I know that my actions has interrupted our connection. I think God didn’t want us to meet ‘cause He knew that I will just ignore you since I have someone else in my heart. He knew that I’m too stubborn, He knew that I will just hurt you.

Future love, I’m going to Japan. I will let that person go and I’m ready to meet you. He lives there so I want to bury my feelings for him in that place. I will not see him, I’m just going to bury my letters for him there. I’ve actually written him some letters, and of course I will never send them I’m not that stupid. It’s just that, I think the most logical course of action is to leave everything in that place. I will bury all my feelings for him, all the letters I wrote, and all our memories so when I go back, I will just focus on being a better person and loving you. I want to begin again, when I return he’s no longer my first love. I will rewrite my love story and delete that part LOL haha consider it an error or a glitch in the system. I will leave all my memories with that person in Japan so we can say that it never really happened. I want you to be my first and last love. That’s my dream when I was younger, I want to love only one person. You have to trust me, okay? Someday we’ll tell our future kids how we met and how our story goes, I’ll tell them that I prayed for someone like you.

Future love, you might hear people say I’m a bad girl because I party and drink, I even tried smoking but it’s just one time and after that I have to go to the hospital because I had a problem with my ear after smoking just one stick. I WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN. I don’t really care how others see me, but I want to assure you that I’m not that type. I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve never even kissed anybody, and I will never have sex with a guy that isn’t my husband. Okay, okay? I’m a virgin, okay? Don’t listen to other people, you have to trust me. I don’t care how others see me, they can make stories about me whatsoever but I want to assure you. I promised God that that I will only do it with you, you know, the first kiss and first night 👀 so you have to wait, okay? Haha I want to do it after marriage because I want God to bless our love. I want to grow old with you and I want us to be happily married so we need God’s blessing.

Leaving Yesterday Behind

My definition of love would probably be that it's unconditional. It doesn't matter whether the person I love would return my feelings or not. It doesn't matter even if it's one-sided, I can love him silently and secretly. I thought I can love someone wholeheartedly, even if that person is in love with somebody else. I thought I'm okay with silently loving you, and not asking for anything in return. I thought just seeing you happy with someone else will also make me happy. I was wrong, it's not enough. I realize I also want someone who will love me unconditionally. I need someone who will hold my hand when I'm down, someone who'll tell me it's gonna be alright. I need someone to remind me that I'm strong and I can survive anything like I always do. I need someone to remind me that life's too short so let's make happy memories together. I need someone who will stay by my side even when I'm not myself. I need someone I can build a life with. Someone who will not give up on me, someone who will never doubt me. I need someone who will stay strong when I'm weak. These past few days, I feel like I just want to give up and run away like a coward. I need someone who can be my anchor, my safe place, my home.

I'm a very ambitious person. I want to have everything even if I feel like I don't have the skills or the knowledge to succeed. Even so, I think If I study hard enough and persevere, my goals will materialize. But these past days, I don't feel motivated anymore. I'm tired and weak. You know, I want someone to cheer me up. Whenever I'm looking through my friends' stories on IG and I see them with their kids, I can't help but feel envious. I want kids too. I want to create my own family and I will dedicate my success to them. I want people who will be proud of my achievements. I want to go to parks with my husband and kids someday and we will teach them how to ride a bicycle. I want to take a pictures and cheer up my husband and son when they're playing sports. I want to attend family day and play with my kids. I never attended family day in school because my parents are too busy to be there, so this time around, I want to be there for my future kids. I will love them wholeheartedly, and I will work hard so they will be happy.

That's why, I can't love you anymore even in secret or silently. I want to give my love to someone else, someone more deserving. I have to stop loving you so the right person will come. You probably don't care, and I'm sure you don't know that I still like you. I've been keeping that a secret. You probably don't remember me anymore but just so you know, you're my first love and you really helped me open my heart. It was a nice feeling, I don't regret loving you. But I have to really stop now, I'm ready to love and be loved in return. I'm ready to meet my true love. I want to be with the person whom I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with, and for that to happen, I have to let you go. I'm grateful for meeting you, and farewell forever Yuki.

UNTIL FOREVER

I had this dream when I was around seven or eight. There’s this girl in my dream, and she’s nothing like me. She’s too gloomy, she doesn’t talk much and she’s always writing poems about this boy. Her poems talk about a love that can never be. It’s all about wishes and hopes, but their circumstances will never really allow them to be together. The boy she likes was always right behind her, but they never really talk to each other. They don’t talk, at least in my dreams. But the girl was falling for him day by day. She would write what ifs, and their life together only when the stars aligned. She knew it was hopeless, but she kept on writing about the days when they can finally be together.

Years later, the boy married somebody else, and her heart died while looking at the couple. She wished them happiness and it was genuine. She told herself that even if she won’t be happy in that lifetime, at least the boy is happy. That’s enough for her. She buried her dreams of a simple life with the man to pursue power. She thought that if she have that power and influence, she can protect the man that she loved. That girl was pathetic, I don’t understand why she had to let go of that person. She could’ve fight for him. She could’ve kept him beside her for the rest of his life, after all, she has the power. He’s a servant, she can keep the guy by her side as long as she wants but instead, she set the guy free. She prayed for his happiness until her last breath. It was a sad dream, I cried after having that nightmare. I don’t understand her back then, I thought if that was me I will keep the guy I love by my side forever.

After that, I dreamed of the same girl when I was in high school. I just know that it was her. She’s about to marry a man. In my dreams, her future husband holds a lot of power. She doesn’t love him, she still love the person from before but she’s willing to marry another guy. I don’t understand her then, but then she spoke to me in that dream. I was so shocked I almost peed my pants because it’s like getting caught sneaking in a room that wasn’t yours LOL. She said that sometimes you don’t marry the person you love, it’s the one that’s aligned with your cause that you should marry. She said that I’m a capable person, and I shouldn’t throw away my aspirations for love. It’s like she can read my mind even if I don’t say a word. After a while I followed her ‘cause she was running. I ran after her but when I’m about to catch up, somebody stab that girl with a knife. I was shocked by what I saw and I was actually looking for a telephone to call an ambulance but it’s like people there can’t see me. She was hugging that man I saw before, the man that she loved. It’s really weird. They’re both crying and the girl said that she will love that guy in every lifetime, for all eternity. It was a one-sided and yet unconditional love. I feel sad for the girl and unfortunately, I feel like that girl is me. I also remember her saying that I should stay away from the person that I love because the past will repeat itself and I will die. It’s really weird! Gosh!

I don’t think we’re similar. We’re so different, like she’s too gloomy while I’m kinda cheerful. I like fun but she’s the type who will stay cooped up in her room and write or read the whole day. I can’t even read without getting distracted. However, we’re both protective, and our love is unconditional. She’s willing to let go of the person she loves just so he can pursue his happiness, and I think, I will do the same. In my dreams, she shielded that man from getting stabbed that’s why she died. She’s about to get her most desired power, and she’s about to marry the most powerful man but she traded her life so that her first love will live. That’s a very sad life, I don’t want to live like that. Is that why she told me I should stay away from my first love? Lol that’s too easy we don’t even live in the same country haha. If my fate is to sacrifice myself for the man I love, lol that won’t happen because I’ll never see him again 😌

But that dream, it’s really sad. Based on that, I’m not meant to marry the person I love. Not in this lifetime or the next. My first love was only a lesson, I met him to teach me about unconditional love and how to let go. Oh, well, I feel like that girl wants me to marry the man I’m supposed to marry so the cycle won’t repeat itself and I won’t have to die. Did she regret saving her first love? Well, if it’s me I won’t regret it. So why did she said that I should stay away? It’s not adding up 🤔

Gosh why am I so invested in a dream? But I’m curious, what happened with her first love after she died? Did he cry a lot, or did he go back to his life like nothing happened? I bet it’s the former, it’s a one-sided love after all. Hmm, maybe that’s the reason. She wanted me to stay away from him so I can enjoy my life? She probably regrets it haha. I feel like there’s something missing in that story. Oh well, it’s not like I can investigate a dream right? Oh my gosh, what if it’s pre-meditated and it’s actually her first love who killed her? Omg omg that sucks! Damn, girl you were betrayed by the man you love? That’s horrible 🥺 I feel sorry for her, is that dream a murder mystery? What the hell

The Next Time

The next time I fall in love, I pray that it’s reciprocated. Loving someone who cannot love you back is hella painful. Well, it’s been five years since the first time I fell in love, and it was one-sided. I don’t remember what made me love him, I don’t even remember what my first love looked like anymore. What stays is the feeling, and having a one-sided love is not a good experience. Of course, you learn from it, and it’s made you wiser, but it’ll also taint your perception of love. You know, love should be comforting and not painful. Now that I’m older, I just pray for a love that’s enduring. No, scratch that, I want a real and enduring love. You know, my first love experience feels like a lonely battle. I was the only one fighting, and for what, I really don’t know. What was I trying to prove back then? I don’t know. I was probably trying to delude myself that he can love me. That person, he will never return my feelings. I was ready to give up everything for him like a stupid person, he’s not even asking for it. My heart belongs to him, it wants to be with him but I’m sure he’ll never accept it even if I offer my heart in a gold platter. He’ll just throw it like a trash, he’s always treated my heart like one and I’m just too dumb to see it. In the end, letting go was my only option. Love is a game for two, so how can I win a battle where I am the only one fighting? It’s a losing game from the start. The next time I fall in love, I pray for someone who will fight together with me. I pray for someone who will never give up on us no matter what challenges we’ll be facing together. I pray for someone who genuinely loves me, someone who will never play with my heart. I pray for someone who trusts me, supports me, and respects me. I’m very ambitious, like VERY, so he should understand. I pray for someone who can accept my weirdness, someone who will play in the rain with me. Someone who will laugh at my jokes even if it’s not funny. I pray for someone who will let me flourish. Someone who can be my partner and my friend. Of course, I want someone as ambitious as I am. He doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to have a goal or something. I’m fine with starting from the scratch. I’ll work hard with him, I’ll support his cause (as long as it’s not illegal or stupid) and I’ll be with him through it all. I’ll love him when he’s hard to love, and I’ll support him when he feels like giving up. I’ll be his light and pillar. I feel like I know what true love is now, it’s unconditional and selfless. Loving is sacrificing. I want someone who loves like me. I’m probably the type of person who loves too much, that’s why I need someone like me because although I love intensely, I can silence my own heart if the love wasn’t reciprocated or if I’m being taken advantage of. I can turn off my feelings if it’s one-sided. Why would I fight alone in a game that must be played by two? I’m not that stupid.

The next time I fall in love, I want someone who will give me the same love I give. Hmm, what else? Ah! He should want kids. Now that I think about it, being a mother is nice. I feel like I can do it. No, I’m definitely up for it. I don’t want to give birth back then because it looks painful gosh but kids are a product of love, you know, if I love someone I probably want to see what our babies would look like. Gosh, I only want to do it once or probably twice my tummy is gonna stretch if I do that many times. Anyway, please please Lord I want to meet my future hubby before I’m 30. Of course we have to get to know each other for 2 years, date for 3 years, get married after…2 years? I’m 34 by then! Gosh that’s too old can we skip the dating part and just make babies? I’m too old! Or can we like, make babies first before getting to know each other? Wait, isn’t that like…one night stands? Eww! Of course I’ll honor my promise I will never have sex before marriage. I wonder, is my future hubby virgin too? Well, he has to be or else it’ll be unfair 😭 a friend of mine said it’s unrealistic since guys can do that without consequences. Well, STDs are also consequences, duh. Lord can you tell my future husband not to do it with others? I think sexual acts are sacred. It should be for married couples only, but you know I’m also open-minded so I’m probably okay with it as long as I don’t know. Just kidding! I have to know, Lord, okay okay please? It’s unfair right? Why am I the only one preserving my virginity, right? Haha just kidding I’ll behave so please please let me meet my future hubby, God, please? Uhm, he’s probably not one of those people I blocked or blocked me, right? Hehe and he’s also not included in my message request because I don’t reply if I don’t know the person. Lord, you know I don’t trust people in the internet so can you please let me meet my future hubby in real life? Like, you know those movies with chance encounters then they fall in love? OMG OMG! Lord I’m just suggesting okie okie? How about we meet in a waiting shed while it’s raining and we talk for a while? Oh wait, I have a car so why would I be in a waiting shed? It doesn’t make sense.

Oh, how about we drop our airpods and we discover that we’re listening to the same song? OMG that’s cute! Lord I want that! I’m just giving You ideas I’m sorry

Oh, how about in a coffee shop? I love coffee! How about this: my future hubby is looking for a table but there’s no vacant ‘cause there’s a lot of customers but since I’m sitting alone he asks me if he can sit with me? OMG then we are drinking the same coffee! White Chocolate Mocha Frappucino okay Lord? This is just a suggestion I’m sorry!

Ah wait, can You give me a sign Lord? Hmm, how about this: whoever will walk towards me on my birthday while the song Through The Years by Kenny Rogers is playing, and he should be wearing a wrist watch. I don’t know…and then a butterly will suddenly appear while he’s walking towards me. That person in the description is my soulmate and my future husband. Please please please make it happen Lord, respectfully. I like that song since it’s my grandparents’ wedding song.

Lola in heaven please guide my love life, you know how I want an everlasting love like yours. I want to grow old with that person too. Lola please? Hehe lola in heaven I know you helped ate Bevs find the person for her and she’s happily married with one cute baby boy. She said she got inspired by your love story so she never settled for less, I’m gonna do that too. We actually want to introduce her son to you but you’re already in heaven. Anyway lola can you please please tell God to let me meet my future hubby? It’s sad that you can’t meet my future kids but it’s okay lola I’m gonna name my first child after you, how about that? Hehe if it’s a boy, I’ll name him Merced. Oh, I know, I know! Lucas Merced sounds cool! I don’t know, it just suddenly came to mind. I like the name Lucas. If it’s a girl, Mercedes? Hmm, Verna Mercedes is not that bad. Please lola huhu help me meet a good husband okie? I love you and we missed you already!

Qui Audet Adipiscitur

I’m not really a competitive person. I’m just fine with anyone taking the lead. I like relaxing and having fun. But I also like growth; I love learning some things I didn’t know before. I hate being stagnant, staying the same is boring. I want to be something. Even if I’m an easy-going person, I still want to be someone big (not in size lol). Someone powerful and influential, perhaps? If there’s something I don’t like about myself, it’s that I want power. I want influence. I’ve seen how easy life can be when you have power and influence. I love having fun, but I don’t want to be played. People in power tend to do that. I’ve seen them play with other people’s lives like they are chess pieces. Well, if I’m gonna choose, I’d rather be the one playing. I hate playing with people’s lives though. As I grew older, I realized that everyone is carrying a heavy burden we know nothing about. I’m not a good person, but I want to be sympathetic at least. If I get to have that power, I’ll make good use of it. Well, why do I want to have it in the first place? I remember a relative saying that you can protect the people you care about when you have power and influence. I don’t want to see the people I love suffer, and I don’t want to be in a position where I’m helpless and I can only watch them. I’ll turn the world upside down if it means that life will be easier and better for them. That’s just how I am, I don’t want to be in the position where I can’t do anything. In my case, the more I love, the more burdensome it is. The more people I care about, the more powerful I have to become. I’m actually not doing this for them, I’m doing this for me. It’s for my mental health lol, I don’t want to be helpless. I don’t want to be the damsel in distress, I’d rather be the warrior. I’d rather be the soldier, you know, someone that will fight for the ones they love. I’d rather dirty my hands in war just so the people I love will know only happiness and peace. They don’t have to know how evil this world can be, they just have to be happy.

Fuck It

Am I actually crazy? I mean, I’m too impulsive and reckless. I asked my cousin and got her opinion about something and she told me I’m crazy. I don’t feel bad being called that, maybe I actually am? She asked me whether I’m scared, because most people will get scared when they are doing something new. I’m not scared. I don’t feel anything, maybe it’s the fact that I really don’t care whether I die or not? I don’t care about my safety. I don’t really have regrets, nor a zest for life. I’m not excited or passionate about it, but I want to be something. However, I’m not attached to anything. If I live, I feel like I should be something, you know? It’s either I live with power, influence, and money or I’m fine with saying byebye to this world. Is this like…passive suicidal tendencies? Haha. I don’t know what I should live for. What is wrong with me lol I’m really tired fuck it. I’m tired of people, of the things that happened, and of all the things I have to take care of. I feel like a lot of things will be resolved if I’m gone, you know? Or I just probably want to escape. I’m a coward. I’m reckless, impulsive, and a coward. It doesn’t make sense. I feel like I’m not really needed in this world, if I’m gone I can be replaced with someone else. Do I have to make a grand exit? I’m really fine with dying anytime but I don’t want to kill myself. What else do I have to do in this world, do I even have a purpose? Gosh, I’m really tired I want to disappear. If it’s not my time yet then alright, I’ll continue what I’m doing. I can’t stop, you know how ambitious I am. Gosh, go big or die haha joke

New Year, New Dream?

You know what, dreams are weird. Yesterday, it’s New Year and I set my alarm clock to 12 AM so I can light some fireworks and eat some desserts but I didn’t wake up! My sister told me the fireworks was too loud so it’s surprising how I was able to sleep like a bear. Anyway, I had a dream that night. It’s actually vague, I only remember some parts. I was lighting a sparkles or idk what it’s called but it’s fireworks. I gave one to a little kid called Gabriel. It’s really weird! He’s apparently my son! I don’t remember his face but he’s kinda chubby, lol it’s probably my genes gosh why would I name my child Gabriel? That’s so not creative. If I’m going to have one at least let me name him Lelouch, Light, or Levi sounds great too! I like names that starts with L so I won’t name my child Gabriel, like hello? That’s too common! Anyway, I gave Gabriel a sparkle and I told him to make a wish and he said he wants a swimming pool. Ugh, kids 😒 Then a guy showed up from somewhere and he told Gabriel that our house is too small for a swimming pool so we should buy a bigger house. Excuse me? Do you have money? Houses are so expensive! Apparently, he’s my husband in that dream. I don’t remember his face but he speaks gently. He’s the total opposite of me! He’s so…uhm, elegant? I mean, compared to my personality which is quite strong and reckless, he’s like a saint. Why would someone like that marry me? It’s weird. When I look at them playing and laughing I feel…happy? Contented? Satisfied? Something similar to that. Plus I never brought up divorce haha or did I? I feel like I’m the type to ask for a divorce after like, 10 days of marriage because I don’t feel like being a wife. Then the three of us drove to a grocery store and bought ice cream then we stayed in something like a well-lit empty playground at our subdivision and ate ice cream there and my husband and son did something like a competition around the playground until Gabriel was too tired and he fell asleep. My husband carried him. He was sitting at the bottom of the slide while I was in the swing. I asked him what he wished for, then he told me nothing, or maybe for Gabriel to grow up healthy and happy. Then he asked me what my wish was earlier, then I told him nothing too. I said I’m satisfied with my boys and we both laugh. And I look like a housewife in that dream! Noooooo! That’s not my ideal life huhu I want to be a lawyer and a doctor! I even prayed for it last Sunday and ask God to help me make my dreams come true! Being a mom and a wife is not really my thing, I’m the YOLO type of person. I want to be successful and powerful and just travel the world! I don’t know why I feel at peace in that dream, and it feels light. I want to stay by that person’s side for a long time. I want to support him even if I don’t really remember his face. How should I describe that feeling? Hmm, it’s like I care about him. It’s love, but not the butterfly in my tummy or heart beating fast type of love. It’s like…the stable type. It’s constant, a constant feeling. I feel like even if he’s not around or he’s far away I will feel the same way. I don’t really like the concept of family, to be clear I don’t want to make a family so I don’t get why I feel that way in my dreams. Plus, that kind of guy? Surely, he doesn’t exist in this world. He’s gentle and humble and soft-spoken. I feel like I don’t deserve people like that, I’m too hurt and I don’t want to share this pain with others. I just want to be alone. I can be happy even when I’m alone. Plus my dream is to be successful and powerful so I should focus on that.

The Art Of Surrendering

It still makes me uncomfortable whenever people would compliment me saying that I have the most pleasing personality. They would tell me that I’m a cheerful companion, and I’m someone who listens and understand them. Well, I like observing and studying people. I would often wonder how similar and different I am with the people around me. Do they try to observe me too and take note of my possible strengths and weaknesses? Do they try to appear harmless just as I do so everyone will lower their guards? As much as possible, I only want to keep people who isn't like me. I like people with a little touch of madness, but not as crazy as I am. Well, let's see. If I met someone like me, I'd probably be curious. He or she will try to blend in and not stand out. They will try to talk a lot so people would think they know everything about them. However, all that are useless information. They just don't want people to get curious or interested in them lol the more they know about you the less freedom you have. I'm the type to give useless information about me to distract people and make them think that they really know me haha. Hmm, what else? They would try to act dumb and weak, people often reveal their true nature when they’re around someone inferior to them. Someone with the same personality as me would try to test people like that. They’d be similar to a spider, patiently waiting for their prey while making a very intricate web that would surely capture their meal. This is why I don't want to meet someone like me lol. That person will be very vengeful while keeping a sweet facade. Gosh, if I get into a fight with someone like that it'll be a never ending war. Well, I think I’m the only one like this so thank god haha. I don't get angry very easily, I tend to ignore things that's not worth my attention or energy. It has to really piss me off before I make a move. Well, I have a few people on my list now. I remember something I read years ago about some war tactics. According to that book, you have to learn how to surrender and patiently wait for your turn. Learn the art of surrendering, of giving up if you want victory to be yours by the end. I know pain, people might think my life’s been easily because that’s what I want them to believe. I basically lived in pain and hatred my whole life I can even tour them around if they want haha, and I'm fine with adding new people to fuel my rage and get revenge later on. I thrive in pain lol. Nothing can ruin me anymore since I was damaged from the start hihi I know how to fix myself and put back all the pieces, so they can do whatever they want. Destroy me whatsoever and I’ll emerge victorious. I don’t mind losing at all, I’ve failed and succeeded many times. The thing is, I don’t sit on my failures. I’ll climb up again and again until I reach my goal. Let them enjoy their victory for now, it's more entertaining to see them fall later. All I have to do is set up the stage and wait for their downfall. Timing is everything. They're so predictable, people who would gang up on the weak doesn’t deserve pity or mercy. The good thing about people like them is they don’t know how to hide their claws, they’re giving away everything. They’re too transparent and predictable. I actually don't have to do anything because sooner or later they will trip over on their own mess, but setting up the stage where they can display their stupidity is sure fun.

Chasing Pavements

I’ve been thinking, or rather, I’ve been reflecting these past few days. Everything just feels heavy. It’s like I’m running endlessly, trying to reach something that’s always out of my grasp. What am I really trying to do? I’ve always wanted to be something. To be specific, I wanted to surpass my mom’s achievement. There’s always that silent competition between us, but now that she’s trying to act like my a loving mother, I don’t even know what to do. She would tell me how she cares about me, those words that I wanted to hear as a child but I don’t feel anything when I hear it now. I don’t know how to accept love, I only know the kind of love that’s barren and cold. I’m so used to my parent’s sharp words, criticisms, and constant pressure. They’re still doing that, the only thing that’s changed is they’re telling me they care about me now. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Their actions don’t match their words. I want to believe them, of course. As a child I’ve been yearning for love. That poor child wanted to be acknowledged and appreciated. Is this what my past self is trying to achieve? I don’t feel satisfied of it anymore. She’s so simple and stupid. Well, I’m not any better, I’m just more greedy. If that girl is in my shoes, she’d feel ecstatic. After all, it’s her idea that if she surpasses her mom, the latter would spare her even a little bit of attention. Well, if you’re happy my dear old self, then it’s time for you to disappear.

I guess I’m feeling burned out because I can’t let go of that wounded girl from my past. I can’t let go of her aspirations and her stupidity. Probably because she’s the only good that remains in me. That girl is preventing me from being heartless and cold. She’s the part of me that tries to stop me from destroying people I don’t like. She’s the humanity that’s left in me. But she’s also a burden. Should I just throw her away? I don’t resonate with that girl anymore, but she keeps holding me back. She’s that part of me that carries sadness, loneliness, hope, love, and innocence and it’s too heavy. I don’t feel the same way as her anymore. My 27-year old self has different goals and mindset. I have no room for petty feelings. That’s why, I have to let that girl go. She already achieved her dreams. She’s already been recognized by her parents. The current me wants power and influence. That’s what I’m going to focus from now on. I’m not that girl who would wait for someone to love her. Love is useless, I want something more, and I’m not gonna stop until I get it. Disposing that part of me is actually beneficial, she’s the part of me who keeps on hindering my plans just for trivial feelings like love, kindness, and forgiveness. If she’s gone, I can do things more efficiently. I don’t have to think about others. If my wounded self would witness what I’ve been through, she would stop believing that people have a good heart. That stupid girl thinks she will never be as cold and heartless as her mom, well, guess what 😅 I might’ve actually surpassed my mom at being cold and heartless. I can always hide my wicked side behind a sweet smile, but my mom can’t. She’s always so genuine. Hmm, I probably have surpassed her already, at being heartless and cold. Well, it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m not that wounded girl. I don’t care about being greater than my mom. I’ll pave my own path, it’s going to be more difficult from here so I have to choose my battle wisely. I’m fine with losing the stupid battle I’m currently in. This is not even worth it. I have to plan it out so I can win the ones that really matter.

I’m really tired. Lord, can you give my other problems to the people who thought my life was easy? Half of it, at least. Please? I’m really tired. I can pretend that I’m okay, I can even wear a smile all day just to hide it all but I’m already at my limit. You know me, I’m a fighter. But I can’t do it forever. I’ve been doing it for so long, I’m tired. Sometimes I wonder, would my life be easier if I died when I was 12 years old? I really wanted to kill myself that time and I was just waiting for a vehicle to run me over so why did You send my teacher? She caught me skipping classes and she immediately pulled me over. I don’t know what’s the point of this, whenever I try to kill myself, You send someone to stop me. For what? It doesn’t even get easier. I don’t know why I have to endure all this. Lord can you please just get me? I’m not afraid of dying, You know that. I’m really tired. I don’t want to be strong, I’ve been doing that all my life. Why are You always saving me when I want to end it? It’s not like I’m gonna save the world someday. I don’t think I have a greater purpose or what. I’m probably just a side character waiting for this story to end so why can’t I go first? Please, just…please let me. I’m really tired. Will I be a ghost if I die? Well, if so, maybe I’d want to stay here and watch my siblings. I want to see them grow and be happy. I feel like my problems will not end if I continue to stay here, so please Lord just let me die. Ah, I want to see that person one last time. You already know who hehe. I feel like, I really like him. But I don’t want to stay here. Maybe I can tell him my feelings before I go? Is it selfish? Maybe not. Memories can be forgotten as time passes by, and I want him to forget about me after I’m gone. Of course, I won’t think of killing myself this time. I know it will only fail. You will just send someone again to stop me. I’ll just probably wait, and I will keep on praying. I don’t want anything, I just want it all to end. Please, Lord?

Well, don’t You think I’m a good company? I can tell you stories all day. I’m also fun to be around I think I can make heaven a little livelier. I don’t have any talents though, but maybe I can learn that in heaven. I will do anything, just make this end. I just really want it to end. If I’m gone, I can still watch over my friends right? I’m sure they will be very successful someday. I want to see them achieve all their dreams too. I also want to see the person I like achieve all his dreams, and he should be with a person who can love him wholeheartedly. That’s not me, of course. I really just want to end this and be on the other side, watching over them. I can make some nice popcorn in heaven. You know it, right? I’ve never been happy. I’m just really trying to survive. I thought that if I held on a little longer, things will be better someday. It didn’t happen though, and things just got harder. I’m just really tired, I want to stop now. I don’t even want to be remembered. I’m sure my parents will only think of me for a while, then they will forget about me immediately so I don’t have to feel guilty leaving them. When I’m gone, I just want people to forget about me as soon as they can. I don’t enjoy it when they’re watching my every move, they even know when I’m smiling or laughing. I don’t even pay attention to them during online class so I’m not sure why they’re keeping their eyes on me. I feel like I can only relax when I’m finally at Your side, Lord so please let me. Ah! I’ll sing you a song! I don’t have a lot of talent but I think I can sing. I have angelic voice hehe so it’s actually a good thing if I die and I go to heaven, right? Uhm, Lord I think I’ve been a good person so I will go to heaven, right right? Hehe

Wait, is reincarnation real? I don’t want to be reincarnated gosh I don’t want to live in this world again huhu it’s painful. Living here is painful. I want to rest! I want to just be my happy carefree self hehe. I don’t want to live again I just want to rest. I just want to sway in the wind and not think about anything. I want to be something like the wind. It’s serene. When I was a kid, I want to be little mermaid. Then I found out that she became like a water bubbles at the end, I’m okay with that too! I just really want to be somewhere serene, like floating and never worrying about anything.

TROPHY WIFE

I’m officially quitting my ambitious era I’m so tired I don’t want to work I don’t want to deal with anything I just wanna sleep and watch Kdrama all day! Why do I have to work 😭 why do I have to study? I’m tireeeed! Can I just find a guy who’s in their 40s and like, and like somebody who’s tired of playing around and wants to settle down? I am so very much willing to be an obedient wife I don’t care I just don’t want to work! I’m actually good at cooking! I can organize and clean my house I’m gonna clean his house too! Hmm, what else? I’m sooo done with my strong career woman era I’m willing to be submissive and just stay at home and rest all day. I need to sleep I only slept for 4 hours I want to sleep I don’t want to work! 😭

Joke! I’m really grateful for my job sorry Lord please don’t take away this blessing. I mean, I’m just giving You some suggestions. Like, what if I’m actually meant to be a housewife? Hmm, Lord? Please please I’ll be a good and obedient wife plus I’m loyal! Promise! I like kids too, but only when they’re sleeping. Anyway Lord, I feel like I’m over my ambitious career woman era I’m ready to be a kind and loving housewife! Lord I don’t want to wake up at 7 AM if You can’t make me a housewife please don’t give me a 7 AM class! I’m okay with 10 AM class but please not 7 AM! I can actually be single for the rest of my life and I’m willing to work but please I don’t want to wake up that early! I hate it I hate it!!!

Ah, wait! If I become a housewife can I still go shopping and travel alone? No right? Like, I can’t drink and party anymore? Joke lord please don’t make me a housewife no no! I have to save money when I become a house wife kasi I have to pay for my babies tuition fees, car gas, house loan, and then groceries. NO WAAAAAY! Wait, I can actually save money 🤔 I think I’ll be good at it. But I can’t shopping anymore? Hmm…maybe I can do it. Or not? Or yes? Or no? Anyway let’s focus in the present, I DON’T WANT 7 AM CLASSES!

Omg wait speaking of, I can actually imagine myself being a housewife 🤔 you know, I want to be a mom! I kinda…I think I can imagine myself being a mom 😲 I mean, I want to be a mom! You know, I kinda imagine making cute lunch for my baby. I want to make Hello Kitty lunch box, I saw on IG how to make a Hello Kitty shaped rice. Hehe I like that! Then I’m gonna put a note on my baby’s lunch box. A note like, “Do your best at school today! Mom is proud of you my baby 💕” Ehe I like that! Plus I’m also a teacher I can just teach her or him. Elementary school lesson is not really that hard. I’m sure my baby will get perfect marks. Plus when they have sports day I’m gonna cheer on him! My parents never attended events like that, I’m always alone when there’s event that needs to bring my parents so I’m going to make time for my baby, no matter how busy I become. I can actually be sporty too I can teach my baby sports. Joke, I’m quite clumsy so…I’ll just enrol him in something sporty. I swear I’m so bad at sports that during our volleyball in College, I was dodging the ball but it still hit me! Gosh, I hate anything that uses a ball! Anyway, I’m going to drop off my baby to school and kiss him or her goodbye. OMG I so likey! I want to be a mom! I don’t care about shopping and traveling I think being a mom is more exciting and fun we can play at the playground or go to amusement parks. I want to wear matching clothes with my baby too! We can eat ice cream and then at night, I will read him or her some fairytale stories. I actually don’t enjoy fairytale stories. I’d rather tell him scary stories and murder documentaries but that’s bad for kids, right? Ugh, fairy tales are so boring! Can I play pranks on kids too? Maybe no. Well, it’s okay. We can do other things.

As for my husband, I think I need a husband. They say there’s a bad effect on kids when they don’t have a fatherly figure growing up so I think I need one 🤔 well, what do people do with their husbands? Maybe we can have matching clothes too! Hmm, what else…I don’t know what to do with a husband. I haven’t really thought of getting one until recently. Maybe we can like, play Uno cards or something just so we won’t get bored with each other. Like, how can people stay with their husband for 25 years and not get bored?! What do married couples usually talk about? Food? Travel? Please not sports 😒 music? I don’t knoooow! Do I have to be obedient or something? It’s in the Bible but I’m not really religious so…can I be immuned from being obedient? Joke, I can actually be submissive 🤔 well, I can, right? Do I have to agree to everything he says? Isn’t that boring? This marriage stuff is more complicated than I thought is there a manual or something? Well, whatever, as long as he’s handsome, rich, ambitious, kind, goal-oriented and has good genes I won’t argue with him. I’m just gonna stare and admire his good qualities so it’s okay he has to be handsome if he wants a peaceful marriage with me haha

WTF

The more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that I actually like him. Hence, I won’t think. Brain switching off in 5…4…3…2…1! Anyway, it’s completely useless. Having these feelings are useless. What am I even gonna do about it? I won’t even marry him. I don’t want a husband nor do I want to be in a committed relationship. My family already ruined it for me. I feel like every guy is irresponsible and they’re just going to be a liability in the future. I just want a baby so I need a sperm donor or something lol. But other than that, love is completely useless for me. What am I gonna use it for?

Love, Maybe

Love is a choice, that’s what I always tell my long time friends whenever I go back to Manila. I would assert that it’s a decision, to never give up and to love someone everyday. But sometimes, it can be the other way around. Love chooses you too. Well, it was all too sudden, or maybe it was gradual like the soft air. I’ve been friends with this person for like four or five years, I really don’t remember. He’s attractive, a little shy? But sometimes he can be outgoing. Hmm, what else. He’s like a baby. He would tell me about his day, or something about his work, or when he’s having a meal and the kind of food that he eats. He’s cute! And he plays soccer. I can actually just count what I know about him. But these past few days, I do wonder. I think about him when the rain is pouring down heavily. Is it raining in there too? I wonder, did he bring his umbrella? Because I didn’t. I hate bringing umbrella. Even if I put it somewhere inside the car, I won’t bring it still. Does he like the sound of rain? It makes me sleepy. It relaxes me. When it’s sunny and the weather is too hot, I’d wonder if it’s hot there too. I would go to 7eleven during those days and I would buy a cold coffee. Sometimes, I’d guess what kind of drinks will he like. He gave me a Pocky before, so maybe he likes that snack? I guess he likes chips too, we talked about Calbee before and how it’s available in his country as well. You know, those little things…over the years, I feel like it’s starting to affect me! I would unconsciously think of him. Like, there was one time when I’m choosing a food at a restaurant and I would wonder if he likes that or the other one like it matters! See? I’m getting stupid again oh lord god, why do I have to feel this we’re actually good friends we’re happy and content so why do I have to like him? Love ruins everything!

I don’t even really know him! I mean, I do know some things since we know each other for a long time but that’s not enough to develop feelings. Am I actually easy? I know I’m reckless and impulsive but I don’t fall easily. Is this like, signs of aging? It doesn’t even make sense like, what kind of things does he like? What’s his hobby? What’s his most painful memory? What song would he listen to when it’s raining, or when he’s happy or sad? I’m sure he has his comfort foods, and I don’t know! So it doesn’t make sense, then why do I like him?

When I first fell in love, I really didn’t blame myself that much. That was my first time feeling that, so I became impulsive and just pour my heart out, so stupid. I was naive, and that’s okay. I forgive myself for that stupidity haha. However, being stupid the second time is not really my thing. It’s okay to fall in love, but acting on it is a different story. My first love, he’s a trial and error lol. I failed and I forgive myself. But if I act rashly again just like last time, I’d rather be caught in a car accident and induce amnesia. Joke! Like, what if I’m wrong again just like last time? What if he doesn’t like me? Get it, get it? I’m delusional when it comes to love. I can actually feel the energies around me and I thought my first love likes me too. Unfortunately, I was wrong. My intuition is faulty when it comes to love. I trust my intuition with other things, it has saved me a number of times. But when it comes to the feelings of someone I love, I can’t follow my intuition because I feel like it’s biased. I don’t want to be wrong again, and I don’t want to be delusional lol I have to think. Sometimes, the people I love returning my affection is just a product of my mind. They don’t really like me, it’s just what I want them to feel. This is why I don’t like these feelings, it makes you irrational. God, please take this away or maybe just take me away? I don’t mind dying I’m actually really tired. I’d rather die than fall in love to be quite honest.

Speaking of, I did not take this into consideration. You know how traditional my parents are? If I get pregnant and I’m not married they’re gonna hunt down that guy. Gosh, I don’t want to deal with that situation! I don’t want my parents interfering with my ideal life! I feel like they’re going to threaten the poor guy to marry me because they want to keep our family’s reputation wtf. I need to buy my own house and property before I carry out my plan. Gosh I almost forgot that one. I need to live separately first so they can’t order me around whatsoever. I will not be forced into marrying someone gosh! If I’m 30 and some guy will be forced to marry me I’d be really embarrased wtf. Idk why it’s so important for my family, marriage is just…I don’t know. Isn’t it similar to birthday parties and graduation? I don’t really value it I didn’t even attend my college graduation because there’s too many walking, handshakings, greetings, and hugging. Like, I just need the diploma why does it have to take that long? Am I the problem? Haha I remember my batchmates cursing me for not attending the practice and the graduation ceremony. I don’t know, I don’t feel like it’s that important. They even recorded the graduation and send it to me lol and I can hear them sniffling 😆 They said it’s the happiest day of their life, but I don’t feel it. I just probably don’t value the same things they do. What do I value? Hmm, power and influence? Probably connection. Money, not so much. I want the things that I could use to protect the people dear to me. I don’t like ceremonies or formalities, I want something substantial. I feel like I’m the worst, I thirst for worldly things. But those worldly things will protect the ones I love so I want it. I want the power. Oh wait, if I want the guy who got me pregnant to leave me alone and hide somewhere my parents won’t be able to locate of course I need to give him the money, right? What’s that called, like severance pay? Haha I’m serious. I need to save now gosh. I should really invest in a business. I’m sure the guy won’t be the problem in my plan, like hello? I’m willing to do my first time with him plus I will give him money to hide. I should worry about my parents, I hope they won’t take it out on my baby whatever disappointments they have with me.

FUTURE PLANS

These past few days, I’ve been thinking of the life that I’d like to have in the future and I’m slowly getting the picture. My goals did not change much, I still want to have power and influence. I’d like to be a lawyer then I’ll continue my medical career after passing the Bar. I’ll be a forensic pathologist or probably somewhere in medico-legal. I kinda miss being a med student, I feel like it’s more peaceful back then compared to now. My friends back then are really supportive and despite struggling, I was able to make it through because of their support. However, maybe I’ll take a pharma subject before going back to med school. I seriously don’t like that subject it’s gonna be the death of me. I actually like some people in my batch now, especially my current section. They are fun and nice, plus they don’t create unnecessary drama. You know I hate being in complicated situations, especially if it’s not productive and I won’t get anything out of it. Unfortunately, some people just won’t stop and they are getting on my nerves. I don’t have the energy for people’s drama nor was I ever interested in it. If they want the drama, then they can find it somewhere else because I don’t have the time and energy to engage in that. I’m actually thinking of where to invest my money or some kind of business, you know, those stuff. I don’t really like to waste my time on conflicts because it won’t benefit me in any way so I’ll try my best to avoid those people or being in the same space as them so for the love of god please leave me alone. Anyway, you know, looking at how happy my cousins are with their babies I feel like I want to have my own child. I remember when those same cousins of mine wanted to build a house where we could live together and spent our single life there but look at them now, they’re happy. I want that too. However, I don’t want a husband! My friends kept on telling me that if I make a child without a husband, my baby is going to feel the lack of a fatherly love. I told them I can be a mother and a father, but they said it’s not the same as having a complete family. I’m still thinking of a way to resolve that situation. I want my future baby to be happy without needing a father. I seriously can’t live with a husband! He’ll expect me to be domestic and I can only keep the facade of being a submissive sweet person for too long! Plus so far, if I’ll be honest, I can’t keep my interest in men. Oftentimes, I get bored of them and I don’t know why. I value honesty, trust, respect and loyalty so I will never cheat on my husband if I have one. However, what if I lose interest in him? There’s no divorce in the Philippines and getting an annulment because you got bored is not a good defense in court. Plus, dividing our conjugal property is complicated and asking him for a prenup feels like an insult and I’m kinda unfair you know because I want a prenup but I’d be very pissed if he asked me for one so nevermind. But I want a baby! And I want my future baby to be happy. I’ll probably want to get pregnant before I turned 30 so I need to find an intelligent, good-looking, smart, tall, kind, with a good attitude, a little submissive, and someone who’s not into commitment like me. Genes are so important! Of course, I want someone who won’t get in touch, I don’t want to fight with him over the custody of my future baby. It’ll be traumatizing for my child. He has to leave me alone after I conceive the baby hehe so…I think it’ll be easy cause there are a lot of guys with that kind of attitude, I just need to find one with those qualities. Anyway, I still have 3 years to look for him or whatever. I actually want to have my own family before. You know, like my grandparents. They’re so sweet until the very end. I want something like that. Unfortunately, times have changed and I don’t think that unconditional, enduring love exists anymore. I myself have fallen in love one time and I lose the feeling. The kind of love that I want does not exist so let’s just be logical. I just really need the genes and the germatic cell lol

Am I being oversensitive or some people are waiting to see me fail? I can feel the energy haha. Well, I can give them the satisfaction ‘cause I will probably fail at some point. However, I’m so used to failure I know how to get back up anytime so…they might get disappointed just as fast haha. I’m not afraid of failing anymore, I feel like the more I stumble, the more wise I become so it’s a win-win for me. Am I being too complacent? I feel like I’m too relaxed and I’m making law school my playground lol. Compared to when I was in medical school, I’m way more relaxed now. I should do something about my attitude, I don’t like it either. Why am I doing this in the first place? I don’t remember. Is it just for prestige or status? Well, that could be one of my reasons. I definitely have the fire when I started this, now, I don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m forgetting something.