9 months later.

So here I am 9 months later, feeling even darker than I did before. Except this time without my boyfriend. But I still feel just as lonely as I did when I was with him, weird? or proof I could never talk to him in the first place? I mean sure I miss the comfort of being cuddled and kissed and being told everything will be okay, but there’s only so much one person can take of that before thinking ‘okay, but when are we actually going to talk about this?’. I guess it’s a difficult place to be in, but I’m happy we broke up. He definitely showed his true colours after we did, not even accepting a birthday message. I guess I understand why it would hurt, it was his first relationship. But I can’t help feeling it didn’t have to be this way when we have so many mutual friends. Was there a need to make this break up difficult for them? No, there wasn’t and I can’t believe how selfish he has become.

Lockdown was difficult too, like it was for everybody else. I hated sitting around and waiting to feel my friends near me again, or my family. Ever since March, I’ve felt like all my days just fall into one with no way of making out which one is which. All my emotions fall into one. Disappointed. Disappointed that this is what the world has come to. Disappointed that certain people would act so awful. Not that I’m a saint, but at least I own up to my actions.

My ex-friend is one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met. No regard for anyone apart from herself, led to me getting worked up over her stupid actions, enough was enough. I’m still not over it, because another friend hasn’t seen how awful she is, and continues to ‘talk’ to her. I feel so helpless, I want to take back control of my life, but I’m yet to learn how to do that without letting other people’s actions affect me. It is something I must work on, if I want to slip out of the state of mind I am in. 

But part of me likes the loneliness, it’s comforting to know I’m not letting anyone, relationship or friendship, close enough to disappoint me again. I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime it feels like at the ripe age of 22. Drinking and smoking numb the pain temporarily but not long enough. I just want to feel pure joy, even if just for an evening. 

Some guy I was meant to be having a casual relationship with (who declared himself not ready to date) has started seeing someone. Which has left me with the question, like many others would wonder too I hope, of what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m not cut out for those kind of relationships but I didn’t know that at the time. What makes this other girl so special? It’s not fair on myself to ask that question at all. I know it’s not but I feel like I deserve to feel that way because clearly I’m not good enough and never will be. 

It’s not even just that situation, it’s everything in my life screaming at me ‘you don’t deserve to feel happy, fucking stop it’. People around me tell me I make them happy but I don’t believe that, I think they’re just being kind. I feel like a burden to the people around me and I think that’s always how it’s going to be. I make jokes to my friends about how my tragic life amuses them and that’s why I make bad decisions, for a laugh. But the truth is, I do them hoping one time, it might just work in my favour. Whether that be sleeping with someone, drinking copious amounts or whatever else. I pray that one day one of these things will work well for me, but they never do. Because why would they? There are plenty of better people out there who deserve to feel happy before me. I love seeing other people happy and it kills me to see others feeling what I am deep down. Hence why I write my thoughts here, and don’t offload them to my friends. 

Feeling so inferior to the world around you is a peculiar thought. I feel like I shouldn’t exist, not that I want to die but that I was just put here by mistake. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for a turn around that’s never going to happen because I always do the wrong thing. I’m insecure in the world around me and I hope I can begin to feel better soon. 

Number 1

My first post on this website and I’m starting it at 3:44 in the morning, how classic for me, the girl with the sleeping schedule so messed she’s going to bed at 6am in the morning. I need to clarify before I even begin to start this post that even though I’m pretty sure I’ll be the only one to read it/get any use out of it, I do not promise perfect grammar, paragraphs or English. Even though I’m a native speaker and am a university student, I’m not willing to start stressing about that. 

I never thought I’d be the person to need to write a blog or keep a diary to get my feelings/thoughts out, maybe I’ve just got to this point due to years of keeping them in, whether they be good or bad. I say I’ve never kept a diary but I 100% had one in year 6 that I took in one day and put in my drawer out of hopes someone would find it and people might talk about me for once, since I felt so invisible to everyone. I find it funny when I look back and want so badly to say ‘Liz!*, What are you doing?!!’. I don’t know why I’d ever wanted anyone to know my business at the age of 11, maybe it’s because my friends at the time were starting to isolate me (something that finally happened when I was 12, thanks to one stupid mistake I made). 

That time in my life still follows me around to this day, it might even be the reason I have issues with feeling alone in a room of people, even now at the age of 21. I guess I’ve never really thought about where it stemmed from before because even though I had a difficult time as a teenager, I always had friends who cared about me in some capacity even if it was for selfish reasons on a lot of their parts. I know some people don’t even have that so I do consider myself lucky. 

I’m slowly trying to remember why I started this post and honestly I think it’s just me trying to make sense of why I’ve felt so withdrawn recently. Right now, I am so happy with many things in my life including my wonderful boyfriend who is so supportive and my equally as wonderful friends. But there are also lots of things I don’t understand, like why my mum had to lose her husband of 30 years in her early 50′s, and why my best friend of 4 years could not come through when I needed him most. It’s starting to feel like the second I get on top of one thing, another begins to creep up behind it showing it’s devil horns. 

One of those things always seems to be guilt, asking why I couldn’t be of more help when my father was ill, or why I couldn’t convince Ray* to stay. Another always seems to be this feeling that no matter how many of these things I do try my hardest to sort out/get through, it’s never going to get any easier. That’s the hardest part to struggle with, that there’s no do-overs or changing things I could have handled better, not that I take responsibility for everything that has happened in my life in recent years. 

I think my overthinking and self-blame stems mostly from the painful fact that I can never tell what’s going on in someone else’s mind (although I’m not 100% sure that I’d like to a lot of the time!). I think because I know how vicious my own mind can be, not just about myself but about others too, I’m scared at the thought that others could be thinking the worst of me. Thinking to myself ‘I mean if they’re not talking to me, they must hate me right?!’. Then again, that’s probably because I’m a people pleaser and I hate not making everyone around me smile like I can on a good day.

This post has been an absolute mess but I think I just needed to get off my mind everything that’s going through it at the moment. I don’t know how but somehow I feel like this helped a lot and I think as days go by, maybe I’ll be better at structuring this! 

The best way I think this could help is probably by making blogs about certain topics so I can’t go off on a tangent and can fully immerse myself on my feelings about one thing. 

If anyone actually reads this (which i doubt since it’s a big boy post), I’m sorry it’s a bit of a downer but I’m glad to be able to have this outlet.

Till tomorrow (probably if I want to), Bye! 

*names changed because this is my own lil secret