The Negatives of Positivity

  I had a dream about you tonight. I think I finally let you go.  I didn’t handle your leaving very well. That’s the downside of being me. I just don’t accept bad things can happen until they do. There’s always an out. Always a trapdoor.Everything will be okay.

I dreamt of you a few months ago, too. You told a joke. It was typical you - Hilarious and delivered with just a bit of over-the-top attitude that made it impossible to not be engaged. I don’t remember the joke - it was a dream after all - but I remember how happy I was after waking up that we could talk for a while and laugh and be who we were.

I’m also aware that it wasnt actually you. It was who you were to me. 

Right now you’d be me mericilous in your mockery. You’d listen to my reasons, ask the questions that get to the heart of it and shrug when I tried to explain or make it excuses.

Im starting to ramble.  Just know that tonight I didn’t dream about you.  Well, I did, but you weren’t there. To night it was Brenda and I. We talked. She asked the pointed questions. It made me uncomfortable. To be honest, dude, dream mom was kind of a bitch.  :)

Anyway, the dream representation of me was finally able to accept you aren’t here. Finally broke down and cried. Finally said goodbye.  It was a proper wracking, bawling, ugly cry. You’d be proud.  Then you’d call me names and act like it’s stupid but I hold the trump card. I still have the letter you wrote mom before she left. You cared more than you were comfortable saying, more than you wanted anyone else to know. We were a lot alike that way. 

I suppose that’s all. I love you & miss you. Just remember, you were always more than a friend. You were my brother.

The Texas Church Shooting, Atheism and My Thoughts as a Christian

Im in a weird headspace. I saw the news about the church shooting yesterday and I was sickened by it. I was sad for the victims and their families. I hope that those that were taken in the church were right with God. That they went to be with God and are in Glory today.

As news has continued to come out today, I have been really sad for the shooter. I have been led to understand that he was an atheist. That he committed this terrible act and then, seeing he wouldnt get away, he killed himself. I am not his judge but I fully understand that right now, barring a last minute moment of Grace, he is likely suffering a terrible fate I would wish on no creature.

It leads me to wonder if he was let down by someone along the way. Did he just not want what was offered? Did he understand? Did anyone say "Hey, come with me one Sunday" or "Would you allow me a chance to tell you about why I am a Christian?" and did he just say "No"? What led this man to this point and what led him away from something better?

Finally, it leads me to wonder if I am doing enough to help those that I know. I know how difficult my walk has been at times. Have I been friend enough to those who need my help? I dont have all the answers but I have a relationship with God. One that helps me on the hard days, that has gotten me through the hardest of times and one that I still lean on quite heavily when things go sideways. I can point you toward that answer.

If you arent sure of your relationship with God, I urge you, my friends, to think about it. To find a church that preaches the Word and go, study on it, pray about it, and find the path laid out for you.

Love you all,

Jimmy

The Gratefulest Generation

Kids these days might be the most appreciative of any generation ever. Last night, when I picked my 12 year old daughter, Abigail, up from the skating rink, I also had to pick up and drive home a 12 year old boy that I had agreed to drive home. He was really kind and said "Thank you" multiple times and told me that if I hadn't agreed to drive him home he wouldn't have been able to go. Once we pulled into his driveway, he grabbed his skates and, as he got out of the car, said "I love you". I appreciated the kind words but I don't think giving a kid a lift required that level of appreciation. Not wanting to make it any more awkward, I just told him "Good night". Abigail, likely embarrassed for his overreaction to a simple ride, blushed bright red and snapped her eyes to me. I get it. No one wants their dad to be more popular than they are.

Take a Knee...or Don’t

Just over a week ago, our fair President decided to weigh in on the NFL’s player protest movement. In many cases this protest has taken the form of kneeling during the National Anthem. In his recent remarks, the President said he thought the protesting players should “be fired”. He was wrong. No President should call for the firing of a citizen, or citizens, because he or she doesn’t like what the citizen(s) believe. It’s the wrong thing to do - Always. A President CAN step in if there is a national interest. A peaceful protest during a football game doesn’t meet any criteria that falls into that category..

Welcome to America

In America individuals have the right to protest. The people have the right of free speech and expression. If NFL players feel they need to “take a knee” to show displeasure over an issue, then it is one of their unalienable Rights and one that is “endowed by their Creator“. It falls under “Liberty”.  Some of this should ring a bell. 

But Wait, There’s More

There are, however, consequences for actions. The right to protest falls on all sides. If the fans of the NFL decide they don’t care for the way a protest is handled then they can decide not to partake. In this case, many fans seem to object to what they see as disrespect for the American flag and have decided to stop watching football for the time being. It does not make them bad people. They have rights also. 

The Penny Drops

It turns out there can be many sides to an issue and there can be more than one right side. It is my hope, foolish as it may be, that we can all stop for a second, try to understand each other and find a middle ground. Failing that, I would hope that we all just support the Independence and individual rights we claim to cherish.

Happy Anniversary

I thought about writing a little something during October.  The inspiration never struck but I feel I should say at least a little something so here goes-

I have enjoyed my depression for just over a year now.  Last October I couldnt see anything good in life.  I mostly cried for 4 days when I could find time alone.  The first place I turned to was God.  It wasnt a quick answer but He answered.  It wasnt necessarily what I wanted to hear-but He answered.

In a years time, thanks to many people God put in my life along the way, I am almost myself again.  Some of the men in my Sunday School class prayed for me, I had help from a therapist one of them suggested, I have seen some doctors who have helped me understand and regulate my system.  I've learned to breathe when there is too much pressure.  I've learned to step out of the pressure cooker for a bit and relax.

Understanding the problem has been HUGE.  Knowing the root of the problem helps me when the world is crashing down in my head so I can look around and see the sun is still shining and there are people walking around enjoying themselves (or at least they're oblivious to the pending doom that surrounds them :p).

It's really nice to not be in such a dark place.  I can laugh again-a real laugh not just the one I use so no one knows theres a problem.

Friends, if you need help, get help.  If you need a friend, I can be a friend.  And when all else fails breathe...just breathe.  Slow down and take 5 and let it go.  It'll be ok.  I promise.

But you don’t even know me...

So I’m knida new to this place.

I’ve decided to forego the reading of all the text aids and the rules because, as a co-worker recently said, I fly by the seat of my pants most of the time.  

Side note: Anything I write will likely not be congruent and be scattershot at best.  It’s how my brain works now.  

I haven’t yet decided what I want to write about, if anything, but it’s nice to have a place to do it if I so choose.  Long story short, I’m just here now, getting my feet wet and deciding if this is really for me.