hollowouthungryeyes
Hearts are prettier.
"My greatest fear of intimacy, was not the evening we took all our clothes off. But it was when you saw me at my most difficult state. Like how you witnessed the most unlovable parts of me. As I slowly unraveled each imperfection in front of you like a scar. An despite all of this, you loved me harder anyway." - Conee Berdera
Hearts are prettier.
Tiffany.
Engaged / He is my sanity.
Movie Obsession.
Cats&Penguins.
Coffee
Don't worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine.
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In 3 days, I get to marry the love of my life. I’ve never been able to lower my walls so much that I have been able to love someone so wholeheartedly, completely and without any doubts. I’ve never doubted the love this man has for me - he loves me with everything that he is. In the two years we have been together, we have been through many challenges, changes and triumphs. Each one of these made us stronger and consistently validated the love and admiration that we have for each other.
He wants to know about all of the things that go on in my head, to understand them and help grow from them. He wants to see me for who I am and doesn’t care about the faults - he loves for me them anyway.
Our love is easy. It comes naturally. There is no overthinking. It’s real and simple. It’s the love that you see in movies. I never thought I’d find a love like this.
He’s the favorite part of day and while planning this wedding in the middle of a Pandemic has been the biggest challenge - I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else and I cannot wait to marry this man.
“I love you with a deeper love than any human heart has ever known. I love you with a soul that has lived a thousand lifetimes, always waiting to meet you again so I can promise to be yours forever.” - Christy Ann Martine
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“Dear me, I am sorry. I’m sorry that you tried so desperately to fix others, when your own hands were shaking. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else whilst your own were bleeding. I’m sorry that there were days when smiling hurt but you forced yourself to laugh so that no one had to worry about you. I’m sorry that you gave all of your time and effort to people that didn’t give the same amount back. I’m sorry that there were nights when you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why. And I am so sorry that I did not love you, like you deserved to be loved.” https://www.instagram.com/p/B8SQIhcA0Rd5erD5KleK8P9m2LSZ8xdQ0ZJrfU0/?igshid=1wlpqiapbvod9
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I recently read a post by Brianna Wiest on thoughtcatalog.com titled “15 Things You Need to Know About People Who Have Concealed Anxiety” and I have never had a post hit so close to home.
The first of the 15 talks about how “they don’t hide their anxiety, they hide their symptoms”. I’m not shy to talk about my anxiety - I think that my awareness and openness about anxiety can only help others. However, I refuse to let people physically see my struggle. On the daily, I hide my symptoms - my blotches, deep stares and blank expressions - my loss of feeling in my legs and disappearing hearing. I struggle to even let my fiance see these symptoms.
“They have the most anxiety about having anxiety.”
Yes. I get more anxious thinking about something that could make me anxious than anything else. I MAKE myself anxious thinking about going to the store and thinking about the worst case scenarios - overthinking.
“They come across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but rarely out”
I do not like social environments. I like to seclude myself - however, you would never know that once I’m in a social environment - or at work. I need my time to decompress - to cleanse myself of the other emotions and thoughts of the individuals that I’ve surrounded myself with.
“They make their situations worse by trying to suppress their feelings about them.”
I hold my feelings back. I don’t like to cry - once it starts, it won’t stop. I hold back the tears - but, crying is a way to cleanse myself. My fiance is consistently telling me to just “let it out” or “maybe its what you need to do” and I mean, he’s not wrong - but that doesn’t mean I want him, or anyone for that matter, to see me break.
“They are hyper-aware and highly intuitive.”
This is my biggest pain point suffering from anxiety - I am aware of everything; the one little gurgle in my tummy, or a small twitch, a loved one acting “off” - I read people very well. This...this is the biggest issue as then I can’t shut my brain off and my thoughts overwhelm me.
“Their deepest struggles are usually social situations.”
While I push through my social anxieties, the thoughts overcome me of what others think or know. I am my own worst critic - but, what I think about others finding out about my flaws, failures and obstacles weighs more on me than my own worst thoughts.
“It’s not always a panicked feeling they have to hide.”
It’s not always panic we’re hiding - I am continuously hiding my worry, my immediate reaction to go to the worst case scenario and the battle of my own thoughts.
“They are deep thinkers and great problem-solvers.”
Give me a problem and I will solve it - throw me any situation and I’ll think through the different scenarios, risks, outcomes, etc and I will figure out a solution. Because of my consistent deep thinking (and being lost in my thoughts), I do this very well.
“They are almost always self-regulating their thoughts”
I am in control of my thoughts. If anxiety sets in, I have a conversation with myself to talk myself out of panic and anxiety. There are times when this does not work and it is uncontrollable. I understand that - but MANY don’t.
“They don’t trust easily but they will convince you that they do.”
Trust is the biggest thing for me. I don’t give trust easily and I make you work for it. And the moment that that trust is broken, I’m done. I may not trust you completely, but you will think that I do - that is because I want you to feel accepted and loved and to not have to worry. But - the moment any amount of trust is broken, it is not able to be built again.
“They tend to desire control in other areas of their lives.”
I am in control. I am in control of my mind, my body, my reactions and my life. And when I am in control of those things, all is fine. The moment something is out of my control, I don’t know what to do. Because of that, I require the control within the other areas of my life in order to not tap out.
“They have all-or-nothing personalities, which is what creates anxiety.”
Don’t ask me to make a decision unless you want 4,000 questions and about 4 hours worth of discussion. Pros and Cons lists are my favorites - because I want to make the RIGHT decision, which makes me extremely indecisive.
“They assume they are disliked.”
Yes. Always. There is not much more to say about this. I want to be liked.
“They are very driven (they care about the outcome of things)”
I do not like to fail - failure is not an option for me. The moment I believe that I’ve failed, I lose myself. I want to be successful. I want to achieve good things in life. In my mind, in order to do this - failure can’t happen. This increases my drive to care about the outcomes of anything and to make sure that they do not fail - my life, work, love life, etc.
“They are very smart, but doubt it.”
Yeah, this will never change.
Personally, this was spot on. I can never vocalize my anxiety well - put into words what I feel, why I am the way that I am or do the things that I do - this....this is it. This is me. I will not let my anxiety take over my life.
Source:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/12/15-things-you-need-to-know-about-people-who-have-concealed-anxiety/
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“ The 3 C’s of life: choices, chances and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change. ”
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Real is so rare these days.
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Replace fear with aspiration. Now, climb.
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We’re all looking for something real.
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“ Sometimes you just need to slow down, remain calm, breathe, and simply let life happen. ”
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Memories are bullets.
Some whiz by and only spook you.
Others tear you open and leave you in pieces.
Richard Kadrey, Kill the Dead (via thequotejournals)
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A Letter to Dad - From Your Almost Grown Daughter
Sometimes I get so angry. Angry that you’re gone, angry that you’ve missed so many life altering events - graduating from college with my Bachelor’s Degree, moving to a new city, purchasing a home. And the even bigger things - My happiness, my growth, my strength. And the future things - Watching an older Best Friend (an one of your adopted daughters) get married and needing a question answered that would be a Dad Question, MY wedding, possible grandchildren. I miss all the times of laughter, orneryness, understanding, conversations, and love. I hate that any future family or friends of mine will never have the opportunity to meet you. No one will understand the “daddy-doodle” relationship because words just can’t describe that. This frustration grows more and more as years pass by. There is so much you’re missing and we’re missing your presence. I question so many things since you were taken from us. Why you? Why us? When there are so many sadistic/disgusting criminals that don’t deserve to be given life. You were the kindest, most understand and caring man I’ve ever known. No child should ever have to go through watching their father take his final breath at 20 years old. No child should have to watch their other parent suffer and mourn from losing the love of their life so young. You would be almost 53 today. That’s it. You should have so much more life to live. We miss you beyond belief. There are no words to explain the full emptiness a daughter feels when she loses her father.
I ask you to watch over us. Lead us in the right direction so we can all have happiness. Take care of us from where you are because regardless of how grown I am, I will always need guidance from my mother and father. Show us the way to make the right decisions for the path we are supposed to drive. Give us signs, and don’t ever stop. Be here, even when you can’t be physically.
Love,
Doodle Bug Baby Girl.
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I’m obsessed with you. Utterly, willingly and wonderfully so.
Michael Faudet (via michaelfaudet)
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I crave a dangerous kind of love. One that breaks hearts and bed springs.
Michael Faudet (via michaelfaudet)
Love this man. #michaelfaudet
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