Go FT yourself

I hate FaceTime.

At least as a primary form of communication. We live in a world where things don’t happen unless it’s publicized, posted up and available for other human scrutinization. After that happens, humans get off on how the public receives them. If no one pays attention to your posts, you can whine. If everyone likes your posts, you can brag. And if everyone is mad/doesn’t like your posts, you can feel notorious. It’s all publicity for those with and without talent. The lack of talent, paired with a penchant to be popular is the actual flex — it’s an anomaly. Beautiful, smart, talented, gifted people are NOT the only people to be celebrated, however it is just as annoying to look at someone brag about having good genes — something that they had absolutely no control over. It is just as annoying to witness that blatant arrogance as it is to view someone with the same amount of arrogance about having deplorable morals, despicable values and a flat out lack of talent or gifts, act as though they deserve to be praised. If your talent is to be disliked, then you’re amongst the masses.

To be talented is to be undeniable.

No one is 100% likable all of the time, unless they’re lying. No matter how gracious, positive, entertaining, transcendant one is, to achieve high praises from all is deceptive and ultimately dangerous. There is safety in being a real one.

Being talented is an undeniable strength you have that, no matter how badly someone hates you, you produce some level of excellence that cannot logically be refuted.

Before I knew I was talented with makeup, I was told this soooo many times. Your talent is something that you do well naturally, that doesn’t come easy to others. No matter WHAT that is, that’s YOUR skill.

So let’s bring it back.

The joy I experience spending time with my friends is something that other people will NEVER, EVER feel. Whatever I’m doing in real life, being present and in the moment, shits on what I could ever post to make the masses feel it. So why is it so important to share so much? A lot of things are best when very few know about them. Alternatively, pain tends to be easier to manage when everyone doesn’t know you’re in pain. Then you have to keep reliving it to explain it, to receive advice on it. To obtain other people’s opinions on your moments. Life happens better when you don’t feel the need to include the whole world on YOUR moments. Your experiences are just as intimate and private as your internal organs — that’s not for everyone! And that’s okay.

A phone is a way that someone that is no where near you can interrupt your personal space. Add a camera onto that, and you are completely cornered; Even being alone in your own home! It’s completely invasive and intrusive. Who knew that when we were so enamoured with the video phone calls of Star Trek, and even entertained by the whimsy of video calls on Austin Powers, how much anxiety you can put on someone, simply by calling them and simultaneously wanting to see them?

This is just coming from a person with social anxiety. It seems like everyone else under the age of 30 used FaceTime as primary communication. It seems that everyone enjoys video taping themselves and showing it to strangers. To be in this digital world is a sincere attack on any analog ways any of us still possess. However, I will still detest the notion of constantly needing to be on display to justify my existence. I’m a dope experience not available to the public and an exclusive presence that most will never be blessed to know. That’s amazing! How many people were kicking it with Ella Fitzgerald? WHO had access to Harriett Tubman whenever they wanted? Even some of our more iconic celebrities today are the most inaccessible. That gives them even more notoriety. You only see them when they choose to be seen. We can say Beyoncé & Jay, we can reference Oprah (who completely claims to be an introvert), and also people like Dave Chapelle. These people get praised and hated for their lack of engagement with any and everybody, and their talent is undeniable. You’ll still be entertained and not in their business.

Therefore, I am an artist. I am sensitive about my shit. I am sensitive about me. I am constantly the artisan and architect of my life, my reputation, and my presence. There’s no reaching out and touching me unless that’s what I want from you. My intimate moments are not on display for everyone. You have to experience me. And I wish the same for you.

Don’t FaceTime me without an appointment.

You can legislate discrimination, but you can’t legislate racism.

possibly my uncle

Worship begins in respect.

I feel that the definition of worship has a become lost on the masses. Worship is not blindly following and agreeing with someone or something, humiliating yourself or others, or harming yourself or others. Worship does not require you to go broke. Worship, at its very root, is respect. When ancient man saw the moon and the sun, they worshiped them as gods for they gave both light in darkness and sunshine to grow food. Ancient man regarded all things that added to their existence with some sort of great respect. (When I say “ancient man,” I mean all ancient cultures that predate modern religion around the world). There was respect of love, fertility, lightning, rain, crops and even war. Nowadays I think that our curiosity as an ever-evolving species, has strayed us away from respect. Why worship the moon? Why not study it? Question it? Understand it? Land on it. Claim it as our own. Colonize it. Our healthy curiosity causes us to smudge the line of respect. We don’t need to worship rain anymore, of course, however, in shifting our worship to curiosity of all things, we have caused harm to so many things that we once respected a lot more. Our earth should be the MOST respected — we live on it! Our oxygen should be highly regarded as important — we breathe it! Unfortunately, us humans have done a considerable amount of damage to our world, our oceans, our air quality. The damage does not just affect us, but every other living creature that has to live on this planet with us. Even if you take the spirituality out of worship, look at how much respect and reverence still remains. I’m having restraint and compassion for whatever we set our curiosity on, we can still have respect for life. Respecting & Worshiping Others. When a man opens the door for a woman, he is not worshiping her, he is respecting her femininity. Her returned gratefulness is her respecting his masculinity, and also knowing that he didn’t have to do that. I don’t know how others were raised, but I grew up knowing that no one uses foul language around my grandmothers and grand-aunties, no matter how “grown” you were. That was simply not done. You respected them as elders of the family, as Mothers, as queens that love you with all of the positivity in their heart, so you left that foolishness outside. When a pastor walks up to the pulpit and you stand up in church, you’re not worshiping the pastor, you are respecting the fact that this is the person that is going to attempt to deliver some love and positivity to the whole room, to try to relieve someone’s anxiety and pain the best way they know how. That is honorable. That is something to be respected. When the judge walks in the courtroom and you stand up, you’re not worshiping this judge, you’re not bowing to “massa;” you’re respecting the person that has put in enough years of interpretation of the legal system, that s/he is now able to deliver sentences, fines and essentially effect your freedoms. You and your freedom absolutely should respected in return at all times. We know our legal system does not always do a good job at this.. which trickles down to general distaste and disrespect for the “justice system” from those that it oppresses, but I digress. When a bride stands at the back of the church and everyone stands up, that is respecting the union that is about to happen. The reason you came was to watch these two become one family, you stand in respect of that. Traditions and manners have often been regarded as unnecessary. It doesn’t take much to turn on the news and see someone horribly disrespecting or, worse, harming someone else. The lack of the respect and civility will eventually reside in disrespect and an uncivilized society. Now the big one. God. I am a proud Christian so this will be according to my perspective. I also love studying other religions, so I will also do my best to be respectful to all readers. Where do I start? Okay, we have disrespected, chastised and executed followers of Christ, followers of Islam, followers of Judaism, and SO many of those that dare to have their own religion and gods. Who is anyone to tell another what can comfort their heart? Disrespectful and just wrong. On television shows, internet jokes, YouTube parodies, I see so many people make jokes at Christians’ expense. There are bands with names, plenty of lyrics that disrespect Christianity, or make light of it. Costumes that I won’t even go into. How messed up is it to be enjoying a TV program or listening to some music and then hear your faith disrespected? I believe God created the universe, planets, everything, my family and even me — I can’t just sing along to that! I can’t just act like I didn’t hear it. If you heard someone wildly disrespect your Mother specifically, you’d have an issue. Christians, like other religions, get a bad wrap because of extremists, but should still have their faith respected. All faiths can respect one another without accepting the same truths. I feel for the Muslim community very much. My father taught me the Muslim faith when he was married to a Muslim woman when I was younger. I got to spend a summer with them and learned so much. I got to wake up early and eat with them for Ramadan, I got to wear the headpiece and learn the prayers and movements. My Christian Baptist Mother allowed me to do this because she knew that I had always been curious about other people in general. I was also a pretty spiritual kid; me and Jesus were tight. She allowed me to explore my spirituality and I’m so grateful. I think Islamic culture is so beautiful! Have you ever seen a Mosque?! Come on now. Just beauty and details everywhere. Anyways, I just want to say that with all the stigma and stereotypes surrounded by your faith and tensions being so awful in America, I really do feel for followers of the Muslim life. I hope it’s not disrespectful to say I pray for the families, especially those that have experienced the extreme violence lately. When I was younger, I was told that all streams, no matter how shallow, have water. I may be quoting that wrong, but what I always took from it was that everyone has something in them that is true, that you can learn from. A lot of religions, both old and new, have very similar stories, and ask people to do the same things: be respectful to yourself and your surroundings, feel good inside and do good outside, be mindful, be grateful and be fruitful. There is no reason to disrespect anyone else for following those rules out of a different book, so to speak. Worship is different to different people. Think of someone or something that you respect the most. (God? Loyalty?) to worship is to just continue to build on respect. Egyptians built great pyramids to exhibit their respect and worship of their gods and royalty. Native Americans considered certain grounds sacred, built fixtures and sculptures. Some African cultures look at their elder and storytellers as royalty as they their lips hold the history of their people. Muslims do not pray without clean limbs. We Christians write songs, poems, do praise dances to worship God. If you’re Baptist, like me, you might even get a little loud with your praise, as if to shout your worship right up to heaven. It’s not necessary if it’s not your thing though. Your relationship to your Creator is your own. What’s Not Worship.

Celebrity and pop culture are ruining the line between fame and blasphemy. To respect the talent and beauty or whatever of a famous person is fine, to admire it is even good too. To support, be a fan of and be inspired by celebrities is all okay. What is not okay is to worship these people as gods. Celebrities are just famous PEOPLE. Just like you and I. You even put too much pressure on the famous people by overly loving them and wanting them to be a role model for your children, agree with what you believe in politically, and literally scrutinize every move they make! These famous people exhaust themselves to death to try to live up to an impossible standard because the masses don’t know how to RESPECT boundaries, within self or others. You shouldn’t love celebrities too much and wanna know everything about their lives simply because you like their songs or movies. You’re disrespecting their right to be a flawed human like you are. You’re disrespecting yourself by obsessing over the life of someone else. And you’re disrespecting GOD by giving that much energy over to someone who He made just like you! God loves you and made you special and you turn around give your self-love and self-worth over to someone else who is human just like you. God wants you to love Him and yourself. You gotta respect yourself too. Respect yourself. Respect yourself. You don’t need to worship yourself either. Comparing yourself to others to show how superior you are is... well it’s just silly, first of all. Second, it’s disrespectful. If you were born with fair skin or pretty feet or great hair, you can’t help that; you had NOTHING to do with it. If someone else was born with a learning disability, big ears, or something like psoriasis, THEY had nothing to do with that. If you’re the fastest person on your track team, that’s good for you, but that doesn’t mean everyone else on the team is just crappy. It means you’re the best, today. People that overly exalt themselves and brag on their talents, cause others to wish for their downfall. People that are humble about their many accomplishments, make others wanna exalt them for him/her and can’t wait to share in more of their victories. Don’t gas yourself up from your own headlines. Respect yourself.

Take care of yourself. Remember yourself. Pay attention to yourself. Who else is gonna be thinking about you, if you are never thinking about you? You can’t get mad at people for not considering you, if you don’t speak up for yourself when you should, if you don’t take care of yourself when you need care. It won’t even be intentional that you get disrespected or counted out, sometimes. You can’t forget about you and expect everyone around you to pick up the slack in your own self-love. Many of us are having a hard time with our own as well. Love. I think worship and love get confused, too. So many are obsessed with and even worship their partners, but they do not love them. If you’re obsessed with your lover, you need to take a step back. Being their biggest supporter, admirer, and genuinely just loving them so much, that is great. But can you imagine if someone just straight up told you “I’m obsessed with you.” That is terrifying! Men that are obsessed with their woman so much that they have to know where she is and what she is doing at all times, even hitting her when she steps out of line, do not love their woman. Women that are so controlling over a man that they don’t want him to have friends or do anything without her, don’t love him. That’s a human being. Human beings need friendship, love, community, alone time, freedom. If you wouldn’t want another human being trying to control those things in your life, think about if you’re obsessing over those things in someone else’s life that is not your young child. Then there are some women that lose themselves in a man so much that they end up disrespecting themselves in order to worship him. This is a sin against God, and, sis, it’s a sin against yourself. Willpower. Boundaries. As a “free spirit,” BOY do I struggle with those two words. I don’t like saying “no” to myself. Jackie Kennedy said that. I don’t remember the exact quote, guys, but she said it. I really don’t like stopping my joy. I struggle with depression and anxiety so much so that when I’m doing something that I like, that distracts me, I don’t want to stop. That doesn’t make it right, and it’s also single-minded. I’ve found that there is joy and great reward in having willpower. It goes without saying that you absolutely need boundaries in life, but typically that’s with others. 

In order to respect oneself, I feel that you have to set boundaries on everything. That sounds mechanical which is not my intent. I mean that you should pay attention to yourself in order to continue to enjoy your whole life the way you want to. If you love cheese, but know it can gum up your arteries, then you have to set boundaries on how often you indulge so that you can continue to indulge for as long as possible. I like alcohol, but if I want my liver to like me for the rest of my life, I have to set boundaries. Paying attention to the things you like, the things you need, and effects of those things all make it possible for you to set more reasonable boundaries for yourself. Love for yourself is rooted in respect, just like worship is rooted in the ultimate amount of respect that you can induce.

How I feel about it Plays into what it is Which influences how it looks How I feel about myself Plays into what it is I am/am doing Which makes me look a certain way to the world Ex. If I feel that life and love is beautiful What I tend to focus on is the good and the good in ppl I come across I am viewed as a sweet person If I feel that I’ve no choice but to keep living despite how much I’ve been hurt I have been thru a lot Others view me as strong If I feel that I can’t or am scared to stop drinking I won’t stop drinking I will look like I drunk or an addict to others I feel like I live in a big ass house alone bc of loss, but I don’t like complaining about having my childhood home. I just wanna be happy. What it is is bc of loss, I am somehow taken care of Others view me as rich or having it all or spoiled bc of a big ass house. My loss is not their first or second thoughts. If I feel like “oh I’ll have that one day” or I could never do that as well as them or if only I had the money or the resources to do that, THEN I could do that... Then I won’t attempt to try... And I won’t have done anything except what I’ve already done. In life... there is what you feel, what it is, and how it is perceived. (Just like there’s your side, my side, and what really happened. All very different accounts of one truth). My inner heart creates my living truth. I must dare to dream. I must defiantly choose to have the best life I can possibly imagine. I must.

JJ

young, gifted & BLACK...

What’s the point of being a catch nowadays? Men say they want this, they want that, don’t want this, don’t want that...

And when you’re the whole package... shit still doesn’t matter.

I’ve always been pretty smart, let’s use “intelligent;” and I was raised between the South Bronx and Harlem, so I’m pretty damn street smart. I have my own money plus a little bit more than a lot that I have access to. I don’t need a man for financial gains. I can cook and bake like your Mama. I’m beautiful. I’m curvaceous, minus a big booty. But lemme put it like this: besides a store bought body, I’m a catch. There’s no subject you can bring up that I can’t give an intelligent remark for, even if I’m not familiar with it.

Know what my ex used to tweet when he was mad at me? “Why chase you when I’m the catch?” Yikes. That’s crazy because he was not. I helped him with rent, bail, and debilitating depression. I’ve been the star supporting character in so many men’s life stories and they’ve all left me when I was not happy about it.

I think I’m tired. I love Black men. Always wanna support them and uplift them, but where is the reward? Not saying I’m seeking one, but I’d like to not be punished for it, you know?

Rappers. I attract them. The real ones and the wanna-bes. I attract musically inclined individuals and I absolutely always add to them. Whether it’s perspective or just showing them how to be better artists. I’ve been told by multiple people that I always find the artist that’s “next” before they become “what’s next.” I do it every time. To be in love with someone that is destined to be in the hall of fame of rappers is wild ANNOYING. I love the radio. When this person pops, I’m gonna be absolutely miserable. I’m the subject of plenty of his songs. I’m the driving force behind him CONTINUING his life’s purpose.  I’m never gonna be this man’s “Beyoncé” or anything close to it. What is this talent? What is this gift? I don’t know yet but when I understand and weaponize it? I’m still gon be my same soft ass and love everyone. Annoying. There’s no self benefit in recognizing the potential of others. This is how I get runover.

My elderly aunt weeps for my generation often. She prays that I’ll meet someone that is the exception. She says the young men nowadays are absolutely nothing like the young men of her generation. Statistically, the men of this generation have less testosterone than their fathers and grandfathers. I was raised by my Grandmother. She prepared me on how to deal with a real man of 1950. What do I do in 2018?

evolve? Evolve into a woman that handles her own bills (duh!), vanquishes her own monsters, and is responsible for her own damn orgasms because no one knows what these men are doing behind the closed closed doors. No typos. I go to gay clubs with my gay friends and the amount of manly men in there is alarming. The amount of men with children, wives and well established families is enough to make your stomach turn.

All I know is that I’m super valuable. No matter what situation or position you put me in, I AM so important. If I’m only important to myself, I am important.

As a heterosexual woman, where does that leave me? I’m still trying to find out. I do know that real men exist. I pray that all of the dead ends I hit, prepare me for the finish line. As long as a woman like me exists, I know my counterpart exists as well. Yours, too! We are the catch! Don’t lose hope, ladies.

...and the bubble goes pop!

To constantly find yourself at the bottom of a bottle, wishing for more, is an eternally empty feeling. By the time you feel “full” you’re either passed out or blacked out somewhere. You don’t even get to enjoy the euphoria of reaching your drunken peak bc you’re probably hurling your guts out or wishing you could because your head and stomach hate you.

Going on a 48 hour bender recently I think made me aware of a lot of things about myself. Everything that I’ve been so angry and hurt about for YEARS came up. I was hurling my emotional guts out to many of my family members and oldest friends. Sometimes I call my drunken self “my demon” because it seems to want to do harm to those I love, sabotage my career, my reputation and damn near kill me. I don’t always like to use this alliteration because I don’t want to pretend that it’s not me that does these heinous things. It is. I have to take ownership of my actions, no matter how disgusting, how embarrassing, how deep. I did it. It was me. No one shoved me into cursing my best friends out. No one made me drink until I drove away 2 loves in my life. No one threatened me into a violent rage toward countless people. I did it.

The consequences are loneliness, abandonment, being misunderstood. Oddly enough these feelings are exactly what make me drink. I’ve found other lonely souls to indulge in these activities with me for a while, until I alienate them while under the influence. To have an addict tell you that you need to get some help is some deep shit.

I’ve hurt myself indirectly and even directly. Overdosed on purpose and had really bad episodes on accident.

Recently, I went on a bender for 48 hours and when I came down, I felt so bad physically and emotionally, I was so embarrassed that I just had to appreciate the graciousness of everyone I forced to deal with me. I don’t know why I thought I was Billie holiday and got mad at so many people for not being Louis McKay in Lady Sings the Blues, but I did. I feel like years of pain literally came to a head. I popped. I popped for 48 hours. I could’ve died. I could have. By God’s grace, I am writing right now. I’m not in jail, the hospital or dead. I have a chance to be better than I was 2 hours ago, 2 days ago. To change my path from 2 minutes ago if it does not suit me. I have a chance.

Today had so many crappy moments almost every single hour, but it was a good day because I handled things so much better than I would have before I “popped.” I tried to just take a shower and regroup, breathe and keep moving and just overall not allow myself to behave in an unhealthy way. I just didn’t want the extra energy. If I’m having a shitty day, why do shitty things to myself? And make things worse. I already know the results of me drinking too much. I just didn’t have the energy to beat myself up while the rest of the world wanted to beat me up.

It felt good to have a bad day and do something about it in a non-bad way.

I think we all need to “pop.”  Not necessarily like go on a 2 day bender complete with drugs and alcohol, and yell at your Fam and friends.

I mean I invite you all to find something that scares you, thrills you, excites you in a place where it’s okay to cry, it’s cool to scream, it’s normal to sweat. And really let the steam out of your ears. We all know what we need to do, but we Medicate ourselves with substances, self abuse, lying, denial and excuses.. instead what we need to do is get on it! Just do what you know is right! It’s hard when there’s a huge dark cloud of pain blocking you from acting right. It’s like driving down a highway and the rain is pouring down hard and we have no windshield wipers. We can’t see! It’s easier to just pull over! But being a better person to myself today, made the rain stop some.