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Did end up getting sick.
And then my monthly bill came 7 days early so hello double-hit to my appetite. I'll take it.
Burnt 600 calories in the gym today, and ate 800 total. Caffeine is a wonderful thing.
Hoping my totm keeps jacking with my appetite. I think since my schedule is so abnormal right now it might be more severe, longer than usual. The normal severity makes it so easy to just not want any food. My brain literally shuts up. It's so nice. Fingers are crossed... 48 hours in and I'm still appetite free.
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Things with cute boy got kicked up a notch. Waiting for him to wise up and pace out like all the others.
My waist is back. :)
Two more days until a 3-Day weekend. I can't wait to starve.
I think I'll be at my next goal by the middle of October. I don't have a final, ultimate goal. I have been incredibly small at this height before... but I hated myself then, too. All I've ever wanted was to be pretty. I also saw pictures of me when I was my next gw from two years ago and fuck I was still massive. Like... what? Jfc.
I'll never be happy. I'll never be pretty or satisfied with what I see. I don't know why I even try for those... as long as I see the scale go down I'm happy. That's all I need.
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Annnnnnd I'm getting sick. Well, maybe if I'm lucky I won't have an appetite.
:/ don't have the energy to work out. Cute. Love that for me.
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The last two nights I have had this gnawing, gnashing, burning, ache in my stomach.
I'm finally hungry again. I've finally, finally burnt through whatever bullshit I've stored over the last two years of binging and eating my feelings.
Right before bed I stepped on the scale, which could always backfire and usually has lately. I felt so hollow, so empty, so optimistic, though. It finally didn't backfire: I'm down literally .6 from this morning and it's the end of the day...
It feels so effing good.
Cute boy pops into my head, his face smiling at me. If we were to get together I'm worried about how I would hide this... all of it. He's observant, he's kind, he's gentle and beautiful. He's everything I'm not and won't ever be.
I guess that's why they say opposites attract. Hopefully love really is blind and I can conceal every ugly thing I don't want him to see on the inside. My outside will have to be as beautiful as possible to blind him.
And onward I go. Here's to tomorrow, may my momentum continue, may I not falter. May I not fall.
I will not fail.
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So somehow, in spite of this weekend, I'm down a pound.
I'm not sure what the punchline is there.
I took some pre-workout and went out and ran a 5k after work. Let's see if I can keep the momentum up, like I'm not some kind of fat intelligible fuck.
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Had to go on a two-day trip with family.
Zero idea where I ended up caloric-wise. I tried, but God only knows. I don't think I gained... but I'll know tomorrow when I step in the scale and get a game plan going for the next 2 weeks.
But like over the last several hours, my chest has gotten so tight, my body so keyed, my brain zaps are literally at every sound, my arms are freezing outside of my blanket and everything covered up is fine. I'm trying not to think about it, but I'm thinking about it. I'm stressing. I'm freaking out.
Broke one of my anti-anxiety/depressant in half and took it since I've been off of it so long. Last thing I need is diarrhea at work tomorrow... and I'd rather not get back on it and get dependant again. It usually helps with the anxiety immediately, or at least knocks the edge off.
Stupid brain not producing enough serotonin.
Thinking about finding my damn rag-doll teddy bear from back when I was a baby and snuggling up with it. I desperately need... something. Well, weight loss and like a million dollars... but store-bought serotonin doing its thing would be nice, too.
#Don't report just block#Ednos#Tw Ed#Thinspo#blockdontreport#not pr0 just for myself#notprojustusingthetags
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Well.
I wasn't expecting the luncheon at work. 800ish calories of Alfredo later (and I'm guessing there) I'm at around 1800 for the day, minus the 300 I burnt running because even though I was a gigantic fat huge fuck today ... I still made myself go out. Ugh. 1500.
Always happens when I break through a weightloss plateau, like I did this morning.
Hate myself. A lot. I can't even comfort myself with "you won't gain at least" because bitch I spent one MONTH not gaining OR losing and I had JUST broken that plateau. Fml.
Restrict as much as I can tomorrow.
500-calorie OMAD Saturday.
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Its so weird to think that all of this started as revenge. It was revenge 15 years ago... he picked her, knowing it wasn't right, wasn't good. He publicly humiliated me.
My revenge was losing 20 pounds by the next time I saw him. It worked... he got to see me be hot and free, and he was tied down and miserable with her. I won.
And that was the night I met **him** ... and history was made that night. Then... 12 years ago today... he died. Our history was brief, but it was real. It still takes my breath away. 12 years...
But what started as revenge became an addiction... and now every time a boy is involved: I privately, secretly relapse.
Theres a new boy involved, now. He doesn't know it but he's the reason I'm going down the rabbit hole, again.
The first one suspected. He was smart. I was also underweight at that point and he could tell. This one has no idea, but I'm not underweight. Yet.
I will get rid of this nasty fat.
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That feeling when you know your day is going to be wrecked by the scale... and you've gone down, despite the day before being higher calorie-wise than you wanted.
Thanks, universe. My day is going to be stressful enough as it is. At least I can feel semi-ok. Sort of.
Might see my cute boy. I should wear a dress. In fact, I think I will. He likes dresses, and I need to feel as uncomfortable as possible so I stay on track.
Music: "The End of Night" - Dido
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I realized today that actually eating dinner would probably be better than just noshing on popcorn.
So I ate grapes, and some of this egg roll in a bowl stuff my mom made that's low-carb and keto and whatever. I don't know what the calorie count is... which is haunting me. I ate a cereal bowl of it. I'm guessing around 300, since it was just ground turkey, one egg, soy sauce, chili sauce, and dry slaw mix. Plus grapes would be 150.
I had a single soft shell taco for lunch. 350 calories, according to my calculations. It was home made.
And a mini bagel and cream cheese for breakfast. 200 calories.
And that was it. 1k calories. Woof, and ugh.
Night-class time. Why can't I just listen to Dido in the dark and that get counted as credit for learning something? Ffs.
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Sitting in the dark drinking my coffee... wishing I could feel my hip bones again. They're there, under all those layers of fat and disgustingness.
I hate me.
I even woke up lighter and I still hate me. I can tell I'm holding onto water, because I'm about to ovulate. My body is such a fuck sometimes.
Yea you're falling in love with that dumb cute boy you like... your ovaries are falling in love, too. But bitch you don't have a chance in hell, so slow your bitch ass roll.
Fat fuck.
I hate me.
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Sitting here stressing about tomorrow because: I have a night class I have to take and in the past when I had one of those shits I would eat to keep me awake because fuck night classes. I'm not a night Owl anymore. I used to be, but not since I, you know, semi-got-my-professional-shit-together a few years ago.
Ugh. Watch me fall asleep.
Better than being a fat cow, though.
Lmaoooooooo I'll always be a fat cow tf am I saying?
Not fucking eating though.
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Get home. Strip down. Get into my snuggie. Eat my silly little bag of popcorn in the dark while I wait for the thunderstorm to pass.
Get dressed for the gym. Go burn 300 calories.
Shower.
Go to bed. Wake up lighter.
Damn it feels good to be back in control.
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Some of my current faves. Found randomly on g00gl3.
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Didn't end up feeling hungry... because I just ended up going to sleep at 8:30 and sleeping until 5.
Whatever lmao. I didn't eat, and I'm down this morning, so. My gut health still needs to get it's bullshit figured out. 😒 Tired of being bloated for no reason.
Today will be the same, but elliptical instead of running, then cleaning, then bed again because I'm a tired bitch right now.
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