I am not my emotions

This momentary feelings do not own me, neither do they define me. I am not them, these emotions are just fleeting moments. These feelings are just visitors coming by and passing through, trying to have their presence felt, acknowledged and processed. I will not be consumed by my emotions rather I will witness them passing through me, knowing they are just here to pass-by and not occupy a permanent place in my heart and mind. And tomorrow I will wake up and I’ll fall inlove with life again, I’ll get excited to see the sunshine again, I’ll be happy to bask in the healing rays of sunlight. I’ll love to live again, I’ll be alright again. For the mean time, I’ll accept these emotions, and tomorrow I’ll be fine again.

-Roxanne

The "could've beens"

If it wasn’t for my trauma I would be dangerously powerful. I grieve the person that I could have been if it wasn’t for my trauma. I am not coming from an envious and jealous place, but I can't help but feel left behind in life, as I see people around me reach different stages and reach new levels of achievements in their life. Good things keep happening to other people, while I am here, still stuck and stagnant in the same place and position in life for a long time. I can't help but grieve the person that I could have been if I wasn't riddled by fear caused by painful experiences. I grieve my wasted potential, the light that other people have always seen and acknowledged in me. I grieve my lost years recovering and healing when I should have been living a normal beautiful life just like others. If pains me to see where I am currently at in life, knowing I went through so much just to end up like this. I felt like every dreams I have went down the drain. This is not how I envisioned my life to be. This is not where I feel like I'm supposed to be. Deep down it feels like my life was robbed from me because my soul always knew I could have made something for myself, I could have been something myself.

-Roxanne

I’m scared of love

But I realized, maybe it's not love I'm afraid of, it's the pain that comes with loving someone that I'm afraid of. I'm scared of getting hurt, because I've been hurt enough by the hands of life. I have spent majority of my life in pain, and I don't want love another reason I get hurt. Giving my heart to someone means giving them the power to hurt me even though I trust and I hope that they wouldn't. I dont want to be overly-sensitive or what but I take notice of everything and sometimes little things, no matter how little it may seem, already makes me feel dead inside. I do not know how to adjust my way of reacting to situations, but I guess when you genuinely love someone, hurt is what's on the other side of it, because the immediate reaction of pain felt in your heart is the proof/evidence that you really love that person. I don't know if I’ll ever be strong enough to handle what comes with love. I just want love to be a completw source of pure happiness and inspiration, and not the cause of another sickness in my mind and heart.

-Roxanne

I feel like I’m in a maze

I can’t foresee anything

I feel lost, stuck, confused, directionless

I feel like I'm stuck in a dead-end

I don't know which direction to take

I don’t know how to get my way out of this

I can't seem to find my way

I feel like I've been trapped here for too long

I need help to find my way somewhere better

I need help to get out of this stagnant situation

I just want to breakfree from this situation,

I just want to see my path, and have the certainty of a besutiful destination ahead of me.

-Roxanne

Our parents are the real children in adult body

I love my mother to death, I love my parents, and as much as I don’t want to paint them like they the bad people in my story, sometimes they are the ones that fucks up my mental health.

I wouldn’t say intentional abuse, but my mother says and does things to me that is traumatizing to my brain but for her it’s no big deal, and when I try to calmly communicate to her and try to make her understand how it makes me feel she calls me “sensitive” which is another blow to the already existing trauma in my brain. Being called “sensitive” makes me feel like I’m being gaslighted, that my version of reality is just my own and that my feelings are invalid, or that I have no right to feel the way I feel. Everytime I try to make her understand how I feel and how I would tell her I have suicidal thoughts/tendencies, she would tell me that it will make me go to hell and suffer eternally, this is how fucked up her mindset is, this is another sharp blow to my trauma. The way she handles conversation with me is an instant damage to my brain. I don’t think my parents truly understand how words and some acts that may seem small to her can be so damaging to my brain and painful to my heart. I lost so many years to recovery, trying to reparent myself, but things like this seem to ruin everything I worked hard for to heal myself. I am tired of the same cycle, repairing my heart, repairing my brain just to go through the same pain all over again. I am tired of making my life centered in healing myself when I’m supposed to be just living a normal life. At the end, I am on my own, at the end, I have no one but myself.

-Roxanne

To see myself outside of my wounds

I can’t be psychologically stranded in the past. I might have experienced painful things in life, but I do not have to be them. I can totally start over without carrying all the weight of the past hurts. I’m trying to get to know who I am and who I can be outside of the pain I was put through and the pain that I centered my whole identity with. I’m trying to get to know who am I and who I can be if I am not operating from bitterness, fear and my grief for the injustice I suffered in my past. Who I can be if I stop being victimized by life, let go of the victim mentality and step into love. What if I change my internal world, and totally hop on a different world that is totally and completely different from the world that I caged myself into. What if I shift my identity outside of the conditioning and programming that I was molded by others. Who am I if I break the shackles of my trauma, step into a new light, invite love and open myself to new beautiful beginnings. What if I try to see the beauty of life instead and get to know the world aside from the narrative I stuck with, to get to know myself outside of the definition and titles others and I put myself, to give life a chance again and live it without the perceived worst case scenarios I created. I am changing from the inside-out, I am changing myself, my world and my life in the most miraculous way. New doors open when you fully close an old one that's not leading anywhere. And I am saying goodbye to the past hurts, and I am welcoming the new beautiful beginnings.

-Roxanne

Emotional literacy/intelligence

I am learning to see life bigger than any emotions that arise. To see things bigger than my current circumstances. Realizing that at the height of any emotion, any momentary feelings do not own me, and I am not them, any emotions are just feelings passing through and I do not have to attach myself with them, I do not have to be identified by them. I am learning how helpful it is to be aware of and know how to manage our feelings. Being emotionally intelligent does't mean shutting down emotions, but letting them flow and witnessing them with no judgement. Minding the mind, guiding the thoughts while sitting on top of powerful feelings is the key to having control over our emotions, and not us being controlled by our emotions. I am realizing that even if it may feel heavy now, tomorrow I will wake up and I will be passionate with life again, I’ll get excited to see and bask in the sunshine again, I’ll be happy to be touched by the healing rays of the sunlight. That even if now it may feel difficult, I’ll love to live again, I’ll be alright again. For the mean time, I’ll accept these emotions, and tomorrow I’ll fall in love with life and myself again.

-Roxanne

Our thoughts flow to our heart

Emotions are pumped by thoughts; what we cultivate in our mind, gets expressed by our emotions. Any thoughts that we keep on reminiscing in our head has a way of manifesting through our feelings. A thought that becomes our belief turn into our emotions, and these emotions become our attitude, our attitude controls our decisions, and these decisions define the outcome of our life. The heart (emotions) is only the follower of the thought, the thought is the one running the emotions. When we control our thoughts, the heart will follow. When we reminisce on negative thoughts, it will produce negative emotions. When we reminisce on positive thoughts, it will produce positive emotions. Feelings are just an after effect of the imaginations and illusions of the brain. When we control our thoughts we have control over our emotions. We do not force ourselves to feel a certain way, we first work on switching our mind-state, and from there, the feelings will be easily mastered.

-Roxanne

To fall inlove with life and myself

I want to feel safe in the hands of this life. I want to not have to worry or be afraid about anything. I want love to rush through every inch of my soul and breathe it like air. I want to bathe in all the beauty that this world has. I want to be able to tell myself that life is worth living. I no longer want to attach myself with the pain and suffering of life. I no longer want to romanticize pain and misery. I want magic to happen in my life, I want my heart to feel light that it will outshine and overpower every darkness. At this point I just want to relax and enjoy life and not to have to feel challenged about anything. I want this life to be a complete enjoyable and blissful experience and not something that feels like survival. I want my soul to dance inside my body, I want to feel like I'm flying. I want to be so high off of life to where I'm no longer scared of anything.

-Roxanne

True strength is vulnerability

There is strength in allowing ourselves to be weak, in acknowledging that we don’t need to be strong all the time. Sometimes true strength is allowing ourselves to surrender and be vulnerable. We don’t need to play tough all the time. We don’t need to put the facade of toughness all the time, we are allowed to be soft, we are allowed to be sensitive. Sometimes real bravery is transparency, being transparent with our own emotional wounds, weakness, flaws, pain, and fears. Softness is power. Opening ourselves up, letting our guard down, allowing ourselves to break, are the true signs of power and strength. Courage is not trying to be strong or powerful all the time, courage is letting ourselves be seen at our moments of weakness, to embrace our moments of powerlessness, to set aside all the false pretense of toughness we’ve held on for too long, and to just be honest, to get real with and admit our own fragility.

-Roxanne

Starting over from the scratch of an obliterated heart

I rose from my own ashes. I give myself credit for how much I am trying, I applaud myself for how much I have improved and bettered myself no matter how little or basic it may look/perceivable for other people, because more than anyone I am the only person who fully understand myself, because I am the only person that knows what I've been through, and only I, will ever know the measure of strength I had to pull out of myself to keep going, to pick up the pieces of my scattered heart and still continue to live life. Nobody will ever know or understand how much it took from me to pull myself out of a dark hole, all by myself. Nobody will ever know how invisibly wounded I was for the pain I’ve been through and the fear that accompanied, followed and crippled me and how I had to mask all of it and had to act normal all along while dying on the inside.

-Roxanne

Everything in life revolves around our emotions

Everything in this world is about the art of emotions. Everything is created to evoke some sort of emotion in us. Everything is about emotional stimulation. Everything we either do or happen to us has either an emotional reward or emotional consequence. We get into romantic relationship for emotional pleasure, we listen to music to evoke emotion in us, we do different things for emotional satisfaction. Emotions color our life experiences and give those experiences meaning and flavor. It is our emotions that filter the way we experience things in this world. It is the emotions activated within us that give sense to everything we do in life. We experience suffering and pleasure through the type of emotions that we digest within us. Lack of emotional satisfaction is what starves our spirit and and it is also the emotional satisfaction in us that fills us. Life is nothing but a grand play of emotional roller coaster, experiencing the ride of life through the highs and lows of emotions.

-Roxanne

It’s not for me to figure out life

Some mysteries are not meant to be figured out but is meant to be lived. I am not supposed to. I am not capable of. I am never going to understand everything and that’s okay. I have so many questions in my head, but I have to accept that my role is to live life and not to make sense of everything. Maybe I take life heavily because I see through too much on the flaw and imperfection of this world and this life and it weighs heavy on my heart. But I have to accept that this has always been this way before me, and it will continue to be this way after me. I have to accept that this is really the kind of world we all operate in, I have to accept that I live in an imperfect world, but also reminding myself that despite the flaws of this world, I can focus on the beauty, on the love and the light that there is in this world, and that’s what I will live for. I have to accept that it’s not for me to comprehend everything in this life, that it’s not for me to find every answers to every unresolved questions, it’s not for me to burden myself with the unresolved mysteries of life, that I’m not supposed to carry the weight of the world, and even if it feels like it rests on my shoulders, I do not carry it alone. I have to accept that it’s not for me to save, heal or fix the world, I can only fix myself, and in that I may find hope and comfort that by focusing on the light in myself that it can ripple through. I may not be of massive influence to the world but I can impact it in my own little ways, and that even if sometimes life feels meaningless, that there is always something in me that will catalyze the world even in small ways, and that in itself is a meaningful and purposeful way to live life.

-Roxanne

It’s hard to find the right one when you are not right yourself

To my soulmate,

“Wait patiently for me as I heal myself, so I can love you with no fear attached, so I can be a full source of pure love for you. I’m fixing myself not only for me, but as a preparation for you.” -Roxanne

For a long time, I didn’t get to open myself up for love, couldn’t think of holding a relationship with anyone cause I didn’t even have a good relationship with myself. I’ve always felt like I was never prepared for a relationship. I am aware that I was and maybe still not fully equipped to enter a relationship with someone when I know I still have so much healing work to do in myself. I know that I can’t just come into someone’s life with all the heavy emotional baggages to carry, and have that person feel the weight on himself, neither I don’t want to bring someone into my life with the mess that I am. It takes being mentally prepared to be in a relationship, and it’s something I’m still working on. I know that I am the one who is responsible for my healing and I can’t pass this responsibility to someone else. Getting into a relationship to bandage my scars isn’t going to fix me, I am the one who is supposed to fix myself. I need to go through this all by myself and until I heal myself I will only project all my pain and trauma to another person. Until I heal and change my thinking patterns I won’t ever fit in a healthy relationship. I need to find resolve on my own issues, so I don’t bring past issues into brand new situations, so I don’t let the old rotten one ruin the fresh one. I have to find healing in my pain so I don’t take it out on another person. I have to let my heart heal before I can open it for another person. I have to confront my own insecurities and weaknesses so they don’t become a burden to another person who will deal with me. It’s not fair to come into someone’s life carrying all the negativity of the past, then it will only sabotage the beautiful things. Healing internal wounds are imperative so they don’t show up in the relationship.

-Roxanne

It's scary to bring another human being in this world

This world, this life can be emotionally abusive and I can’t think of putting another person through the kind of heartbreak and emotional trauma humans endure by the hands of life. Bringing another human being in this world means having them to sign up/subscribe to the hardship of life, and it’s scary that they might not be strong enough to face the struggles, challenges and pain that comes with being human. Having the awareness of what kind of world we are living in, it feels selfish and irresponsible to bring another human being in this world, It’s hard to raise another human in this world if you yourself is struggling to make it through. With the way the world is evolving and changing and all of the pressure that comes with building a good life, it’s scary to introduce this world to a child just for them to experience the pain of life. Especially living in modern system with so much societal pressure is overwhelming. Being in this world comes with so much pressure. The world has changed, and at the pace it is continuously changing and ever-evolving, it’s almost scary where all of these are leading to. The traditional values and traditional way of life are breaking away. The morals, the principles are becoming outdated and the new culture of this world is becoming increasingly more chaotic. The societal pressure to keep up with things is highly overwhelming and it gets draining. It's scary to bring another human being in this world and not being worried that one day they will see it for what it really is and wish they were never been born.

-Roxanne

Time doesn't heal wounds

There is no time limit to how long you can hurt. Time can actually extend and expand the pain, because as time passes by the more you mature the more you get the realization of how much you didn't deserve the things that you've been through. As time passes by the more self aware you become, the more you realize how much you've been robbed of your sense of normalcy and sanity. As time passes by, you grow old enough to only recognize that you were not supposed to go through the things that you went through. As time passes by you realize that even the things that have hurt you stopped, the mental torment and emotional damage doesn't stop there. The things that have hurt you lives on your memories and the flashbacks can come throughout life. As time passes by you understand that even if the abuse stop, the pain the hurt and the damage doesn't stop. The passing of time doesn't really heal you, it is the things that you choose to do with time that helps you. As time passes by it gives you clarity on how much have been taken away from you, and how much it is affecting your relationship with yourself, with other people and the way it affects all aspects of your life. Time will only make you realize how much of a broken soul you are, and how much work it will take to redeem yourself back to life, to rebuild yourself. You are left with the responsibility to fix yourself pieces by pieces, a responsibility you didn't know how to fulfill or where to even begin at a young age, so you just learn doing it on your mature years. It's easy to say to "live the past behind" but you know in yourself that you still carry the demons of the past and you still need to fight these demons until your present days. Times doesn't heal wounds, time makes you grieve even more. It doesn’t get better, you have to make it better.

-Roxanne

Life is only as good as our mental perception

Everything is energy alignment. The goodness and beauty of life that we perceive to be is really just the reflection of the amount of ecstasy in our brain. The level of “thrill” feeling in our brain is what influence the way we regard life. Every time we are in that mood to acclaim "life is good", it is really just an internal switch more than it is to be an external thing. When we are in that feeling where we feel like “life is beautiful”, it's really just the volume/spike of euphoria in our brain that convince us to perceive life in a beautiful way. Life is neither good or bad, it’s the rise and the decrease of the elation in our brain’s chemistry that influence us how we will perceive life. The “goodness of life” is really just us being in a state of bliss, it is an internal perception, it is the energy we hold and cultivate within. It is the harmony of motion of our energy within. The “goodness of life” is really just a feeling (energy) that we tune into as a reflection of the amount of good/happy hormones in our brain. It is the happy chemicals that we feed our brain chemistry that alter our energy and mold the way we see things. Everything is just where your internal world is tuned into, where your heart is centered and where your mind is placed. The goodness of life is really just our mental attitude. Whether life is good or bad, is decided by the state of emotion within us that’s triggered from the things that give rise/prompt those happy chemicals in our brain that trick our perception into believing and feeling the beauty of life. This is why listening to music trick/influence us to feel like "life is good" because a part of our brain is prompted to activate feel good feelings within us tricking our brain to feel like "life is good". The same way other activities can activate and trigger these feel good feelings like exercising, environment and being in love. Life is only a matter of emotional stimulation, the key is to manipulate our emotion into falling in-love with life, to align/center our whole mind, heart, body and spirit into the frequency of love. The key is to overdose in love.

-Roxanne