Today

Today went well. I think what i’m learning is that meal prep is the KEY! I boiled a dozen eggs the other night and baked some chicken breast and it’s so easy to add the chicken to salad and peel a couple eggs for breakfast. Tonight I grilled some cabbage in a bit of evoo and added a spoon full of black beans and small chicken breast ( i got the very thin ones) and it was soooo good! And i’m really full and feel satisfied. In fact i almost feel like i cheated or something but really it was one cutting of cabbage, a table spoon of black beans and one small thin chicken breast. That would not have made me full before. I’m drinking the plexus drinks twice a day too so that is also helping curb my appetite at crash time. The awesome thing is i made extra of everything so I have the salad i made with green and red chard , romaine, a tablespoon of yogurt dressing , radishes and carrots with chicken breast plus some left over cabbage and black beans for tomorrow. I also have some bell pepper im going to cut for a snack if i get hungry mid day. I’m realizing what I guess what I already knew...I over eat for comfort not because I’m hungry. Why do I turn to food? Where does that start? Of all the things I could over indulge in why food? I’d really like to get to the root of that question. Why does food make me feel good? And why isnt the guilt after the feel good wears off enough to keep me from repeating the overeat/guilt cycle? Its weird not to have any of my normal cravings. I havent had bread in three days and dont want any. I havent had sweets in three days and I ALWAYS crave sweet stuff ..don’t want it. I feel good but also like somethiing is missing. My desire to binge has nothing to do with being hungry. What does it have to do with??? 

In the beginning

I’d like to tell you losing my son to still birth at 41 weeks was the start of struggle with weight but I’d be lying. The emptiness of my womb and my arms did have me seeking to overfill my body and heart but the truth is I’ve struggled with weight as long as I can remember. When I got diagnosed with ADD in ninth grade I started going to the gym in the mornings before school. It took about a year and then the weight just melted off and I kept it off until my dr stopped perscribing my meds when i turned 18. Adult ADD wasnt really a thing back then. I ended up moving and got a new dr so i was able to stay thin and on meds for a few more years but then i moved back home and couldnt get them anymore. My weight yoyo’d . I starved myself..I binged. I finally just started eating as little as possible. I never really got above a size 14. Then about five years ago i realized i needed to get clean and sober. When i stopped all substances i gained alot of weight. Then i met my husband and got pregnant..more weights. Since then I’ve had two more children. My weight has ballooned to 292 pounds. 292 pounds. How did i get here? I have spent so much time taking care of everyone else that I totally forgot to take care of me. So i went to the dr a couple days ago and on Adipex. I used adipex in my 20′s fairly regularly. It always worked pretty well. So here am. Day three on Adipex. I did meal prep last night,  I got up and had a couple hard boiled eggs and some fruit. I have salad and grilled for lunch. I cooked my husband bacon this morning and had zero desire to touch it. In fact it kind of turned my stomach. In a lot of ways the Adipex has a similar effect on my over all well being as Adderall did. I feel like a fog has lifted. You don’t realize unless you have ADD what the ADD fog is like. The cotton in your head. The fuzziness. The anxiety for no reason. The inability to be organized. I ‘ve been living with it unmedicated for so long i forgot what it was like to actually feel..good. I got up this morning at 6am. I ate , had my coffee...drank my pink drink. I cleaned the kitchen, cooked my husband breakfast, cleaned the kids playroom, did dishes and two loads of laundry. I usually dont roll out of the bed until my kids wake up around 9am. I feel really accomplished today. The depression ive been living in is lifting. Im excited to see what will come. I took a picture of me yesturday with the mirror blurred out. Thats how i feel in this body that doesnt feel like my own. I feel like Ive lost sight of myself. I need to clear my lense. I see myself again and not be disgusted by my reflection. I think people can be beautiful at all sizes. i have some plus size friends i think are gorgeous. But for me..this doesnt feel beautiful..it doesnt feel gorgeous..it feels sick and tired and heavy. It feels like I dont want to go in public because I dont want anyone to see me like this. The fat in itself isnt the problem. It’s the way it makes me feel. My health is also a major concern. I have these kids now that need me and I want to be around to see them grow. This isnt healthy.  It isnt anymore healthy then when i starved myself. I have to find a happy medium. I have to find a place where I can be ok. It’s so funny...i thought i was fat at size 10. Thats what the world tells us ,as women, you have to be stick thin..you have to look this way. And we kill ourselves..we kill ourselves to do what? Need a small coffin? For once I want to do this for the right reasons the right way. So we will see...today I feel full of can do. Im not eating anything white, no bread, only lean meats and veggies. I’m kind of scared too though. What if i huge amounts of access skin when this is all said and done? What if i’m still unhappy? I guess we will find out.