So many things to say, no one to say to. It's so hard to be understood and I get so upset when no one can understand or emphasis with me.

We were friends when we were 17, we were inseparable. Every night after class, we would hang out till late. I could tell you all my secrets. We never ran out of things to say. U had never judged me for anything stupid i did. Our conversations were always fun. Going out tgt were always fun. I always thank God for a Friend like u. What had growing up done to our friendship? Had life taken away Abit of our innocence? Had life slowly rubbed away that smile on our faces? Had life slowly worn us out? Had life affected our humour? Had life taken away our empathy for each other? Where are u my dear Friend? What had happened to our friendship? Over the years, I've lost many close friends. But none had hurt like this. Because u felt like a Sister to me. I miss you so much.

What's the point of telling anyone I'm upset, I'm asking myself. If they aren't able to comfort me the way I want, I get even more angry. Cos it's like there's an itch that I can't seem to reach to scratch and it makes me even more frustrated. I tried to tell you that when I'm upset, just let me rant all out first, let me be a bitch and bitch about the person/ situation. Hear me out, hold me, and if needed, u can advise me later. Make me laugh and let me see that the situation isn't as bad as what I think. Help me to see the brighter side of the situation, give me some tiny hope when I feel like shit. But most importantly, give me your ears & tons & tons of hugs. I need hugs. But time and time again, when I'm angry, I want to rant, u cut me. I don't get that shiokness, I feel like I have not emptied out my thrash can, I feel like you don't know my full story yet. I feel like there's still this shit feeling within me that I can't get rid of. Talking is my therapy. Hugs is my medicine. Why won't u get it?

Dear baby, I feel like I have to write this letter to you to let u know what I've been thinking or feeling. I don't know how you'd react to this but I feel like I've to talk to u about this. We have been fighting non stop for the past 3 weeks. We can't see eye to eye and just been really upset with each other, we just want to quickly correct the other person and quickly defend ourselves. It makes me sad at how we are right now, especially at this point where we are going to take the next step. I'm not sure if it's the anxiety that we are both facing which make us feeling irritated easily. I feel really sad because there's so many tings each day I would like to share with u, like what I saw, what I ate, what I think. And things I would like to hear from u, what u saw , what u ate and what u think. However, we spend most of our time being upset and fighting with each other, the time we could spend understanding each other day is spent being angry and fighting. At the end of the day, I'm sure both of us can admit to this, we feel tired, distanced, angry and hurt by each other. We feel like whatever we're doing is never enough, never appreciated, never correct. Suddenly the person whom we felt the closet to, the safest with, the person who was our first cheerleader in life, is suddenly the person whom we're constantly angry with, fighting with, disagreeing with. Suddenly, this person seems foreign and distanced. As much as after each fight, we promise to be better for the other party, we even make promises to each other, the same old fight happen the next day. It's like, each day, we're reminding ourselves that tml is going to be a better day with my baby, I will be a better person. It suddenly seems like this love needs really extra effort, and this effort seems like never enough to make the other person happy. It seems like Everyday there's sth upsetting, there's sth we're Gona fight about. After some time, we both feel useless and just tired, like whatever I'm doing is not enough. It's draining our emotions,mood and energy. Suddenly the relationship that once gave us so much hope and energy in life, is making us both so upset. What are we actually fighting about? What are we fighting for? Isit to keep this relationship going? Isit to make sure we are heard and acknowledged? Are we fighting to keep us closer or further apart? I ask myself daily, if I'm Gona fight about this issue, isit going to make us closer or further apart? I feel like relationship is like a kind of car that will take you through different valleys and hills in life. How we take care of our relationship, like how we take care of the car, will determine how fast, how smooth our journey will be. Sometimes it requires really extra effort to be more considerate, respectful and loving. But I feel that a good relationship needs not to put in so much extra effort. It should come naturally, it should be easy, like hey this is naturally what i would do, I love him, so naturally I would want to be respectful to him etc. I think the biggest flaw in our relationship is our biggest need to always be right, to always be heard and appreciated. We keep seeking for it and keep making sure we are right, heard and appreciated. I feel like, why not now, we just do what we feel like instead of constantly putting in that extra effort Cos it's draining us out. This love between us should be easy and smooth instead of tiring and constantly putting in so much effort. It should be natural, and easy. I really wish tt as we approach the next step in our relationship, making big decisions tgt, we will get closer Cos this is an exciting part of our life and it's a once in a life time experience. I wish tt we can have fun and also in this process, we grow tgt as a couple. To learn to love naturally, love, respect, give in and appreciate each other, giving enough space and learning to trust too. There are many things I wish I can share with u, there are many jokes I wish I can laugh tgt with u. Time is passing and life is very fragile. We never know when is the time to go. God gives us this love between us, we got to keep treasuring and protecting it. This relationship between us has came a Long way, we are near the next barrier, let's be ready. I hope we can take the next few days before our trip to think about what do we want from this relationship, from each other and how we can make it happen. I'm willing to work tgt with u. I choose you and our love daily.

I need a miracle

I feel ugly

I hate to see you sad, it breaks my heart into tiny pieces. I wish I could do something to take away all your sadness and pain. That's why I'm so angry with him, he is so selfish.

How can one person's sin affect so many ppl I used to wonder. But now I know. Deep down I'm so angry and upset about the whole thing. I feel like I've trusted/ thought I know him but I never knew he would be such a person. I'm still in shock and still trying to accept it. I am so angry how can one be so selfish that his own pleasure and desire, he could bear to hurt his family. Didn't he think about his family and the consequences?

Feel like everything is wrong. This is not the kind of life I want.

I feel very alone.

Feelings

Home is no longer a place I look forward to. How many hours do I spend with my family daily after work? It's less than 3 hours even. But even during that period of time, we are not happy tgt. It makes me want to shut off from them. 7:13pm- I just came home with a spring chicken. Parents claim that they're going to cook dinner. I reach home and see both of them sleeping and dinner is not ready at all. I just had a quarrel with my bf, cos we were supposed to go out for a celebration of our anni but I'm too tired this week and decided to come home for dinner. He claimed he doesn't like shit Chinese food. I was hurt and I quarrelled back. He wanted to packet his own western food. What am I upset about? That my parents made a point to cook but he's so hurting? That I quarrelled with him cos my parents want to cook for us but I come home and see them still sleeping during dinner time and nth is cook? I don't know. I'm just too tired to give a fuck. God, if u can hear me, will u please heal my gastric? :(

What u said were flying past my ears cos I realise tt ure different when ure upset and when ure ok. And sadly the things u say when ure upset can't be erased or forgotten.

That corner

Lately I feel myself quietening down, I feel like it's a chore to explain how I feel, to go dig and walk through each corner of my heart to find the words to attach to my feelings. And after all these, the person still doesn't get how I feel and I walk away not being understood and worst of, being judged. I feel like there is this corner of my heart I've been chucking my emotions in, I hide my frustrations, my anxieties and sadness inside when I'm too tired and find it too difficult to explain how I'm feeling. Everything is good if it all stays inside cos each day mundane activities help to keep it covered. But when sth happens like a quarrel, it gets all spilled out and bursting out in uncontrollable manner.