I broke my own heart over him and somehow I’ve wound up angry at him for it. I don’t want to see him or talk to him or spend energy on him because it feels like a waste and makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep wanting to avoid him, but then I’m so sad when I don’t talk to him. I really hate this. I hate how it all feels. I feel disgusting.

My heart wants me to cut out every painful thing. But that never leaves me in a good place. I’ve been damaging others frequently. And pushing people away. It hasn’t been a good thing. I’m scarring them, for no reason really. I’m just cutting them up and hiding. I do always do this. I am always selfish. Once I’m finished with somebody, once I’ve used them up, once I change my mind for some small or stupid reason, I push or even shove them away. I always make it so painful. And then I pity myself. But I take everything and then leave. Don’t I? It’s what I’ve always done. Isn’t that a selfish thing? I can’t tell. I thought. Sometimes. Maybe it’s a healthy thing to cut out toxic people. But what happens when I’m cutting out good people because I feel toxic? Is that good? Is that bad? I don’t know.

I don’t like how twisted my heart has turned over him. It makes me hate him now, I don’t like that. I guess it doesn’t matter much, but I don’t want things to end like this. I don’t want to hate him when he hasn’t done much to deserve it.

Ah it’s the Hate Emotion again

I think it’s partly because I’m bored, and partly because I don’t have the right kind of structure.

I get so bored in most places when it’s the same thing every day. And here it’s largely that way. Because the only people to visit with here to change things up are either not home, or people I don’t like (that aren’t paying any attention to me).

And when Mori is home I want to play or just cuddle depending on my mood and energy. But I’m always still feeling so... off. Every day is an off day. And it’s making me frustrated.

I want. A quiet alone space for him and I. With a real door. I want it to be considered OUR space, because I feel like we deserve that. It’s not his fault or anyone’s fault really. Things aren’t easy. Not for anyone. It’s a nightmare. I think maybe it always has been.

I want to help. I want to do something, contribute to something, be important. I don’t know. Even just on a small individual basis. But here I am, every morning, throwing a fit. No, I don’t want to do the thing that helps other people and also has positive benefits for me. But why? Why do I feel like that? I know it helps me eventually. And usually helping others is enough benefit for me. So why am I being so combative over this? I go to bed thinking that I want to go and trying to get myself hyped up. And when I wake up I’m all grumpy and upset.

I don’t know what I need. I think I can start to figure it out. I just need to try harder I think. Maybe. I’ll figure it out.

I just feel angry again.

I haven’t bathed in days. I feel disgusting.

Any time I get up I feel exhausted.

I did eat, good for me I suppose.

I’m going to go back to sleep for a bit. This just isn’t working for me.

I don’t know what I need to be doing to avoid this happening.

I’m upset. I’m angry. I don’t feel well.

I keep putting of responsibility because my brain and body have a habit of sabotaging me. And then I have to wonder if I am doing it on purpose. And then I feel guilty because I may be doing it on purpose, but I don’t want to acknowledge that. But then I feel guilty for saying that I feel guilty because I’m scared I’ll guilt trip someone else.

My pathetic behavior makes other people feel bad for me and upset at themselves because they don’t know what to do to help me.

Maybe I’m making things so they can’t help me.

I don’t know.

I can’t tell if I’m doing all of this on purpose. Maybe I am, I really really can’t figure it out.

I might be refusing help. But what do I do then?

My bpd is doing the violence thing rn. Which is not so much fun. Repeated violent thoughts, gore imagery in my mind, “kill kill kill kill” on repeat. Desire to actually harm people. Maybe this is more than BPD, I’ve got no idea. I feel completely calm on my exterior, but in my mind it’s so angry and violent.

Lol why am I so worried it’s not my fucking business if he wanted to talk about it he would have talked about it. It isn’t my job to come here and ask this shif every time as if it’s ever worked in my favor. This is godawful of me and I need to step back and fuckinf just. Let this be. I know that. I’m still suspicious. I’m very suspicious. I hate not knowing. I don’t trust. I never trust.

Oh I am so hollow right now. Why am I letting this affect me in this way

Oh I am so fucking irritated???????? Literally fucking calling people freaks and keeps because you don’t understand something, someone’s coping mechanism- if you fucking BELIEVE art reflects irl desires and things people actually support.... you have some issues that YOU need to sort out. If you have trouble differentiating between fiction and reality in this sense, you shouldn’t be in these SPACES. You need to go somewhere that you’re more comfortable. Not forcing yourself into spaces you don’t belong. Fuck off.

I keep losing myself

I can’t even stay happy for more than a couple days

I start to panic and I’m just a nightmare to deal with

I can hardly function anymore

I don’t understand

I’m trying so hard and yet I feel useless

Why do I feel panicked and alone

Today I feel lonely

“Too disgusting”

Is not a proper descriptor in terms of boundaries of content

If you are opening yourself up to nsfw content via asks or submissions, fucking clarify your boundaries

What the fuck does “too disgusting” mean

Why don’t we just say “I kink-shame and will likely call you a freak” more clearly then, huh?

God that pisses me off

“With every act of self care your authentic self gets stronger, and the critical, fearful mind gets weaker. Every act of self care is a powerful declaration: I am on my side; each day I am more and more on my side.”

— Susan Weiss Berry  (via embracingwild)