Hello, this is my blog A.K.A. the longest introduction paragraph ever

Alright kids, so here I am, actually starting a fucking blog... Let’s just appreciate this for a second because how damn cliché can a 19 year old going through some stuff get? Well... this cliché.

SO I guess I should give a little background, given that I’m gonna keep this on a need-to-know level.... HAHA just kidding, you get all the nitty gritty details that no one else cares enough to hear.

For starters, I lost my closest best friend in the entire world.  She’s not dead, don't freak out.  We just aren't friends anymore, so I guess she might as well be dead?  Not sure what the difference is at this point.  I guess it all began when we decided to become roomies for the first year of uni and BOY was that ever a mistake.  We’ve been sisters (but better than sisters because sisters hate each other half of the time and we never hated each other. ever. until now. maybe.) for what would've been 11 years now.  For a 19 year old, that's more than half of my fucking life, so you can understand that this relationship was holding the foundations of the fabric of my mere existence together,  So when it ended, I didn't know what to do... I know people say “oh I was so upset I didn't know what to do” but I actually did not know what. to. do.  And I'm still here, writing about it, trying to answer that exact question.  What the fuck do I do? How do you move on properly from that? Because I do. not. know.

I don't want to relive the exact details of the ending but it got very painful.  We would only say what we were thinking when we were too drunk to even remember it the next day.  We both wanted to fix things deep down but the situation got too big for us and a mutual agreement was never going to be found.  We’re both too damn stubborn for that.  The nights we consciously made an effort to mend things, we ended up chasing each other’s tails over the smallest mistakes that had hurt the other person unintentionally, some of which could not be forgiven or even forgotten (apparently) no matter how hard we tried.  We had been circling the drain since January, after the Christmas break and the 4 months that followed had really been a test of my mental endurance.  There was hate in the room we shared that had once saw so many smiles and so many dreams beginning to form.  That’s what hurt me the most.  Having a front row seat to the oh-so-gradual crumbling of something that I was once so sure of.  How can I be sure of anything anymore?

It sounds melodramatic, I know.  But you’re gonna have to deal with it because I don't want to spend my money on therapy.

Finally, the months crawled past and I finished my last exam on April 21 (With an 11.0 GPA, mind you).  I packed my stuff as she watched out of the corner of her eye from her desk and felt like I was kicking the dead body of our friendship with every book I took off the shelf.  I slept early that night, I remember that clearly because I needed to turn my brain off.  I was frustrated at how helpless I felt for not being able to fix it all and just hug who I thought would be by my side through it all.  My plans had been changed, the way I pictured my future was different.  And not just the lonely summer months ahead of me back home, but 3 years down the road when we were supposed to finish school forever, 10 years later when I would get married and have her as my maid of honour, and 15 years later as our kids grew up together.  I didn't even know if that's exactly what I want, but it was something I always felt would end up happening... but not anymore.

Closing the door on our dorm room and getting into the car to drive away felt like the final nail on the coffin.  I’ll never forget how sorry I felt.

Now, I’m 23 days into May, into full-time work, into loneliness, into days that blur into each other, and wishing all the while that I was somewhere - anywhere - else.

The closest friend I have is on the biggest, most important trip that she might ever go on with her epic love.  I don't think I could live out of a car like she is, but I also know she never thought she’d fall in love, so I guess anything can happen.  She’s a long-distance phone call away, but she feels farther than that... she’s in a different place, she’s happy, she’s in love and I couldn't be happier for her, really.  It’s just sometimes I have these horrible thoughts that I wish someone else was in the same shitty place as I am, just to make me feel a little better.  Don't get me wrong, I love hearing about her adventures and the places she’s seeing, the things she’s feeling, the experiences she’s gaining, but I don't like how it makes me feel.  I feel like I should be out there, in love and happy, not a care in the world, but on the contrary, I’m the opposite... and shit’s falling apart.

But, I’ll wake up and go to work tomorrow, and make small talk with the people in my work crew to distract myself from how long I have until I can move back to Ottawa and live in an apartment with 4 amazing people and work on getting the degree I need to live the life I truly want.  But until then, reading and writing help some.  Running?  Not so much lately, I’m not happy with the shape that my body is in either.  Sunny days make things seem less glum, but then my mum will yell at me for something and ruin it all over again.  Have I mentioned that I hate living with my family?????? Because I fucking do.

Guess I’ll keep you updated.