Straw Houses

I like to live in a tiny, sanitized bubble of reality where I pick and choose what comes in and what goes out. I am a sheltered old man.

Keeping Up Appearances

I am a shallow person. I will do everything in the world to maintain the perfect outward image to incite envy and bring attention to me, but do very little work on the actual foundations holding up my life. Therefore, everything around me - including myself - is extremely fragile and easily destroyed.

Filling out a Resumé

I have a tendency to denigrate the problems of the underprivileged, mainly because it empowers me to not acknowledge that I had the luck to be born in considerably more favorable circumstances.

Me, Myself, and I

I feel incredibly important and special because I was nearly stabbed to death after I offended a group of dangerous individuals. I use this line of thought to intimidate others into thinking their problems aren't as important as mine, because I never learned how to value the suffering of other people, especially my loved ones.

Atonement

I don't know how to be at peace with myself. I get irrationally upset whenever my family members do not suck up to my feelings and act like the universe revolves around me. I am a lonely, miserable bastard.

Brown Paper Bag

I have adopted a narrow minded perspective on humanity based off of the three tiers of excellence of Racism, Sexism, and Politics. I instill qualities of humanity in whites but reduce minorities to pathetic dualist stereotypes of good vs. evil. I do not understand that women and men have different needs in life and am unable to find balance in relations to females. I don't value human life as much as I do winning debates so the fact that everyone doesn't feel the same way about others as I do proves to me I am smarter than 99.9% of the population.

Lost in the details

For some reason, certain areas of my brain dealing with reason, creativity, logic, and information are severely underdeveloped. I have a terrible tendency to become so overly focused on minute, inconsequential details in life that I completely overlook the big picture, mainly that everything is connected and nothing truly exists independently of itself.

Page 22

I don't like to read books. That is why I have over 1,000 outdated volumes of electromagnetics, microwave energy, and aliens around the house.

Technical difficulties

I like to give the impression of being a mathematician, mainly because I have no other redeeming qualities and a lack of appreciation for the finer nuances in life. It's a great excuse for why I am not affectionate.

Bob the Builder

I claim to know how to fix things, but don't actually want to waste my time finishing up important projects and prefer to play around with my money masquerading as a handyman.

<3

I confuse the screaming hordes of people behind me as being loving accolades of my intelligence. I can't hear their screams of hatred through the haze of my own self-adulation.

Trump'nomics

I am very proud to be a non-voting Republican Party member, gaining my political status from watching on end Fox News and reading one sided 'books' on conspiracies ranging from hollow moons to flat earth theories and other such enlightening material.

Obamacare

Recently since I have reached my seventh decade of living, I have become fascinated in joining the bandwagon of other pointless political musings from the comfort of my plushy lounge chair. I enjoy badmouthing the people in office who sacrifice many hours in their lives to actually do something, whether good or bad, to allow me to bask in liberty and democracy.

Slave Labor

I claim to have been a hardworking individual in my youth, but am very quick to seek out 'help' from other people, so I can fulfill my boss-man fantasies by being an irate manager with no delegation skills whatsoever.

Confession 101

I have no idea why I am such a mean and vicious person. I have a loving but small family of two daughters and their children. I had a difficult childhood, but instead of learning how to become a better person because of it, I chose to be a bully and hurt everyone around me because I am so blinded by my victim status I’m unable to realize what a pathetic excuse of a man I am.

I hate my father and mother both so much I think about them everyday. I really disliked my mother because she was never the pretty white mommy on the telly who cooked for us and washed behind our ears and starched our shirts. She sadly had mental illness, was abused by my father, and lived during a time when women did not have adequate health care and gossip traveled faster than Taco Bell on an empty stomach. I thus placed all my resent on my mother’s breasts, accusing her of something she could not control and idolizing a false image of motherhood in my mind. Coupled with the fact I was raised Roman Catholic, I hold mortal women to an impossible status of perfection and purity, being too dumb and immature to see women free from the confines of their gender and as a natural compliment to the male sex. Instead, I want all women to be virgin Mary’s, silence and unseen, living in their ivory tower outside of my sight and sound, easy to manipulate and ignorant to their own self-worth.

I am angry that I’m no longer three years old. I have no hair, wear wigs, and have wrinkles. I want to be six foot eight, so I can rape and plunder. I don’t understand the concept of jail, or guns. Every time people criticize me, I bring up the arbitrary point of being stabbed by a group of vicious feral negroes outside my bloodkin’s party, of course leaving out the fact I called them a variety of offensive names and was in general, an asshole, and deserved getting my ass beat.

I never loved my second wife. I forced her to live in poverty, refused to marry her for years, and generally acted as ghetto and irresponsible as the times permitted. I fancied myself as being quite a thug, preferring to spend my nights drooling in seedy bars until I passed out from all the alcohol. I used to beat her, and threatened to kill her on occasion. I was really fascinated by my first wife, who was a crazy slut but yearned for me in the most pathetic and demeaning manner, which I prefer. I cannot stand women who are independent and individual, and so I like to tear down all the women in my life unless they kiss my ass and pine for me when I’m not home. I somehow became an engineer, but not by my own intelligence or knowledge, but instead by leeching off of coworker’s talents and the dumping then once they no longer serve any purpose for me whatsoever. I paid my way into people’s hearts. I would buy god’s love if I could. Nowadays I am just in general a louse, an idiot, and a despicable person. I refuse to get my dead wife a headstone for some inexplicable reason, but I will spend 12k buying a mausoleum to house some old southern grand daddies which I may or may not be related to, since that is how you honor your ancestors. I am living proof there isn’t a just god in this world, since any sensible deity would have beat the shit out of me by now. I am an abusive moron to my wife’s children and grandchildren. I especially hate my grandchildren because they have vaginas and I like to pick on people. I made it a personal religion of mine to systemically devalue their lives so that they would all commit suicide and I’d never have to look at them ever again. Since neither of the bitches are dead yet, I ignore the existence of both of them and hope they’ll eventually get the fuck away from me even though they don’t bother me, so I can bully their mother’s and force them to be my surrogate wives. I especially despise my youngest grandchild, since she is an uppity little bitch with lighter skin than me and more brains than I ever had at her age. I refuse to acknowledge her existence, so I try to find the most creative catty cunt ways to intimidate her into being afraid of me that I can. At the same time, she raised the property value of my home, and I get angry when she expresses any sense of self outside of seeing me as the One True God I know I am. I don’t realize she pities me because I live in a mental prison of hate. I can’t see outside of myself, since everyone is a threat to my ego and must be exterminated before they can achieve more than I ever will.

Ontological Method

I am a horrible person. I don't deserve all the things I had because I earned them through dishonesty and cruelty. It is people like me who are the sole cause of atheism in the world. How can there be a god who created me to be as bitter and evil as I am? I have absolutely no redeeming qualities.

Cult of the Broken Hearted

In my own pigeon-holed viewpoint of the world, I am the victim of others' constant misunderstanding, since I am the last surviving male descendant of my noble Southern family. I get immense satisfaction in hurting those closest to me by dehumanizing them and refusing to acknowledge their unique qualities, and whenever they refuse to conform to my personal pet image of them, I become immensely angry and reject them from my close inner circle.