I had a wonderful day at Disneyland yesterday. It was so nice to remember the times I spent there with my grandparents. It was weird to be there at first but I really did have a wonderful time.

I mostly have nightmares. I’m not sure why.

I have this dream and it’s recurring I guess in the sense that this is a thing that happens in other dreams but it’s not like the focus of the dream. But what happens is that I’m driving my car but somehow I forgot to get in the front seat and so somehow I’m driving my car from the backseat with the front seat obstructing my view and it’s like somehow I’m driving the car for a while and then I realize that I accidentally got in the backseat so now I have to continue to drive like that until I arrive at my destination.

At the end of the day, I suppose all will be well.

getting ready with the girrrlllss

part 1

I still feel pain from our breakup and from the way we last spoke to eachother. You made me cry and you didn't even care. Why do you treat me like this? You say you care about me and that you loved me but you treat me like you never loved me. I'm honestly not sure if you even know how to love. It really felt like you used to love me. Now I have someone else that I'm playing this stupid cat and mouse game with. I never really wanted to stop playing it with you. I am so tired. I don't want to be the cat. I don't want to be the mouse. I just want to be two people capable of real communication. I have a hard time talking about my emotions. You should be used to this stream of consciousness that I have. I know you're not though. You never understood me. You calculate every word you say, but you don't do it well. I calculate my words only when I feel it necessary and most of the time it's for the purpose of hurting you. Sometimes I want to go back to the way things were. Mostly back to the days before it all started to rot. What happened? What changed? Was it me, you, or your mother? I think it was your mother if you really want my opinion. The woman never liked me. She can't handle you being with anyone. I spoke to a mutual friend the other day. He said he didn't think you would ever date again. That you wouldn't feel the need to. Did I hurt you that bad or are you really just that happy to be alone? I keep thinking back to high school for some reason. I guess you used to make me so happy that I felt like a highschooler again. Now I'm just numb. I hurt but mostly I'm just numb. I'm functional. I live my life. I'm okay. I am happy at times. I will always be okay without you. I don't want to be with you. Don't mistake my hurt for a desire to be with you. I simply grieve for what I thought we had. I really thought we were going to get married. I think you did too. You had the ring and everything. A ring now that will rot in your mother's drawer. I never even got to see it. Why does that bother me? It shouldn't but I thought about that ring, its history, and its symbolism a lot. There was a time when I thought you were going to ask me to marry you and I would have said yes. I know you wanted to marry me because you spoke about it in our future. When were you going to ask? Do you still hurt too? Do you grieve? Why do you say you want to come see me and then you don't or you are mean to me? I'll miss your grandparents. I wish that you could understand me and how I feel, but you never will. Do you want to know what I think went wrong? No? I'm going to tell you anyways. You kept too many secrets. I never felt like I really got to know parts of you that you needed someone to love. Please learn to tell people what's wrong in your life instead of ignoring it and keeping it from them. You wouldn't let me love you the way you needed. You were scared. I hope that you can love one day and allow yourself to be loved, but I really don't think you will. I think that our friend is right. You are happiest (but not happy) alone.

I don’t trust that you deleted what you were supposed to.

Someone recently came back into my life and it’s brought so much joy and confusion to me.

I’m at the point of my life where I can now say “I’m going to be a veterinarian,” instead of “I want to be a veterinarian.”

Assorted short dog comics, with a heavy emphasis on boxers because they are good sweet floppy babies.

www.stutterhug.com

https://www.patreon.com/Stutterhug

Sometimes I think about the time your friend tried to leave me for dead in the woods.

I asked if you wanted to be friends again and you said yes but then you pushed me away every time I tried to forward that friendship. I figured that I made you uncomfortable or that maybe you weren’t really ready to be friends again so I removed myself from the situation. Some days there is so much stuff that I see or do that I want to tell you about but can’t. Some day I really want to ask if you’re okay. I guess what I’m saying is that I think about you from time to time and hope that you’re good.

My best friends father was really rude to me tonight. I turned off our game because I didn’t want to listen to him talk about me anymore. When he first walked in the room he said he was racist and didn’t like my kind. Then he repeatedly told me to shut up while I was trying to enjoy my game online with my friend. I wasn’t speaking to him. I was speaking to my friends that I was playing with. He’s a police officer and the constable at that. People who would hear this thing would normally get mad but I know that they don’t understand the situation. From reading what I’ve said so far they wouldn’t assume I was the white one. I understand that race relations are different all over the place, but I don’t treat people like that and feel like I shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of behavior either.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to just write out my feelings. Life is so busy that I don’t really have time for feelings, friends, or relationships. I’d say it’s sad but I don’t want to bog myself down with that feeling. I’m depressed but I don’t even have time for depression which I think makes my depression worse. Does that even make sense? I don’t want to talk to people about it because I don’t always think my emotions are rational. I tell people that their emotions are valid but that doesn’t make them rational. I feel like there always has to be a reason behind an emotion but I hear people say that isn’t true. I want to be loved. I know someone who will love me but I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole with him again. He didn’t treat me right and honestly I hate his mother. We still see each other. It feels wrong but at the same time it’s familiar and comfortable. He’s not a bad person. He’s just self centered and lazy. I’ve dated worse. There’s a boy I love and have loved for years but I want to just move on from him. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I am ready to be finished with school. I love the animal Er. I really do. I feel human there. Human near animals. Is that weird? I talk too much. I know I do. I think that’s why I don’t have friends. Maybe I’m mean. I don’t know. I’m probably just too busy. But at the same time I find myself doing nothing for hours. But everyone needs down time right? How much down time is too much down time? People say I push myself too hard but I think I don’t push myself hard enough. I wish I pushed myself harder. I’m trying. I’m so obstinate to myself. What do I even want? I don’t think I know. If you asked me what I wanted really all I could say is “to be happy.” Or maybe I’d say “to be loved.” Sometimes I feel blessed and like the most loved girl in the world and other times I can’t see past my own nose. I love my mom so much. She’s weird. I have a hard time telling just how much she loves me. I feel manipulated a lot. She’s not bad. She’s not a bad person. I think she’s just odd and doesn’t really know how to show love. I know I have to stop when I start backspacing. Means I’m not willing to discuss that topic with even myself.

A veterinary hospital in Mexico used Pokemon Go’s snapshot feature to turn their office into a Pokemon Center

You don’t understand the enormous amount of pressure I feel. Things were always easy for you. I just don’t want to struggle anymore.

Secret time.

I love magic.