Relapsed for the first time in years 👍

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

"Changing your life is about courage. The courage to take a long cold look in the mirror. The courage to admit that things are not as you want them to be. And the courage to do something about it." - Unknown

the amount of damage I did to myself thinking I wasn’t going to live past like 23…

i wish taking care of my body gave me as much immediate dopamine response as doing drugs and jerking off

Trying to focus on the positives. I felt more like a normal person the past two days then I have in months. I was still able to leave the house and be around people and go to stores without having to take meds. I did have some anxiety/stress leading to not doing the two things I said I would, But I still managed pretty well and didn't have a panic attack or breakdown. I can keep working on things from here.

Man I'm upset cus I copped out of both things I was supposed to do today. Yesterday went well and I still was able to like. Leave the house and kind of do things today but didn't follow through on the two main things I said I would do. Just not feeling great about it.

you can hate yourself all you want but the world is beautiful and it welcomes you

Man I'm upset cus I copped out of both things I was supposed to do today. Yesterday went well and I still was able to like. Leave the house and kind of do things today but didn't follow through on the two main things I said I would do. Just not feeling great about it.

Dune (1984) dir. David Lynch Twin Peaks, Episode 8 “May the Giant Be With You” (1990) dir. David Lynch

Even if coming off those meds is the source of all this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. I'm living a fucking nightmare and it never fucking ends. It's been almost 6 months of being off them. I don't fucking understand. I can't take this anymore. It's every fucking day.

Shirley Jackson, We Have Always Lived in the Castle Vincent van Gogh, Garden at Arles (1888)

I think I seriously need to realize that the source of all of this was coming off my meds in october-november last year, I was very much still in this mindset before that, I just was either able to mentally handle it better or was just more numb to it all. This didn't happen out of nowhere.

you're not stuck. it's not over. you can claw yourself out again and again. find strength in yourself. find strength in others whom you can trust. the fight isn't over until you're dead.

Every day is "I just have to get through this day" and I do it over and over and over and over again