can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

forever broken

feel as though i will never be who i once was. trying to make sense of my existence. how did i come to be who i am? how much do external factors impact your life? does any of it matter? there is foley in trying to understand whether or not i could’ve been someone else. am i really who i am, or am i anybody at all? fantasizing about who i once was is pure darkness. trying to achieve something i don’t even remember. these pieces hardly have any semblance of me. putting it back together only to be lost and misguided even further

I don’t know what I’m doing at the moment, so I figured writing would be my best bet. I’m sort of bothered by the fact that I spend a lot of time in my head fantasizing about my ideal life, world, outcomes, etc as opposed to making them a reality. Then again I strongly believe it’s pointless and my apathy is at an all time high. Most of my thoughts of fantasy are truly beyond reach. Envisioning myself as a writer discussing my work? Hilarious, I don’t have a collection, a body or even a scrap of paper. Discovering a loved one has a debilitating illness and it’s over? Truly bizarre and insane. It’s a fear more than a fancy. Nevertheless, it’s odd to say the least. A sense of stability? Truly the biggest joke of all.

"If I could open up your body and slip inside your skin and look out your eyes and forever have my lips fused with yours I would."

-david wojnarowicz

commitment scares me. i don't want to commit to anything or anyone in this life.

sometimes, i think my soul left my human shell a long time ago when i was quite young. if a soul encapsulates everything you are, then who am i? who was i before she left?

you are not helpless

This is a quick post. I want to say more, but maybe later.

The lid on my brother's urn has started to protrude.

Do ashes expand?

I worry.

I miss you.

I wish I had tangible fears. I wish I were afraid of snakes or heights. You can avoid those fears. People somehow understand the fear of snakes than my fear of leaving behind a digital trail of existence once I've died.

Why does it matter? When you're dead, you're dead.

I have fears that even I don't truly understand. I've always been afraid of creating a presence online that showed any semblance of a physical human body/person/being. I want to be connected through my words, thoughts, and ideas. I want to create a barrier between my true human self and those I'm trying to connect with. I don't want the full fledge connections we're already tied to in our lives. I want this to be different. I'm afraid of true human connection.

I have this idea for a set of photos. I had this idea at the end of last year. Basically, I wanted to take photos of my entire walk to work. I guess I had this idea, because this will be my last year. I also wanted to think about the mundane and the unique. I think more people are interested and invested in others' lives when they're able to view it underneath a scope with little range. People love to critique while simultaneously living vicariously through others. I think my walk to work can be boring, but it gives me a lot of time to reflect and ruminate my thoughts. If I captured these moments on film, maybe I'd be able to see something different?

I've been occasionally thinking about the person who was once in my life for quite a long time and in the beginning they often pushed me to be better, but then we hit some sort of turning point. Things changed and we remained stagnant. They held me back and controlled a lot of my goals and aspirations.

Some people are simply not compatible. To think that I spent so much of my relationship trying to achieve and fulfill an idea that simply was not me. Why would I do such a thing? Honestly, I thought and sometimes still think that I am not capable of being loved or sought out by anyone, and so for me to find a person who promised me that I would do whatever it took to hold onto them even if meant I was a shell of a person.

Some people are simply not compatible.

Now I've reached a point where I'm embracing my interests that encompass who I am as a person. I want to be able to seek out my passions in life without the constraints of someone else's doubts. I want to love what I do and how I spend my free time. I don't want my life choices to be dictated by thoughts and ideas that don't belong to anyone but myself. If my choices lead me into failure, disaster, pain and suffering then so be it, at least I can say I they were mine and only mine. Of course I'm exaggerating to an extent, but I just want to be the creative person I know I've always been.

I wrote a few of these paragraphs maybe three months ago, but I saved it to my drafts and now I find myself reading the thoughts above and not really sure what stopped me. It sounds like I was getting a grasp on life, on my life but it’s simply not true. Life is turbulent. I have aspirations, but my fears are greater, they’re all encompassing. I don’t exactly know if I should leave my original closer to this post or not. Sure, I believe what I wrote and I want to be what I wrote, but will I? What good does it do me to be daydreaming? 

I will always be the culmination of my decisions.

The Weeknd - Loft Music

The Ropes - Love Is A Chain Store

"I wouldn’t be caught dead in love I wouldn’t be caught dead in love ‘Cause love is a chain store"

Bon Iver  - Skinny Love 

"Come on skinny love just last the year  Pour a little salt we were never here My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer" ♥

your tumblr was better before

I know...