Morning thoughts pt 1- It’s been a few weeks, update is um I miss my ex. Why you may ask well my ex I was with before for the longest time treated me with the up most respect and loved and cared for me unconditionally and realizing how dumb I was back then tk mess that all up and lie and hurt someone so deep has hurt me more and more over time and noticing what I’ve lost and can never have again, the current relationship has me thinking that I’m not supposed to be with this woman I mean to be with my ex the one who licked me up and carried me when I was at my lowest the one I have cried in front of and as she wiped my tears she said she still loved me that’s woman I was meant to be with but now that is gone and I’m just drifting along date after date trying to find someone who treats me the same and loves me the same, no one is the same or treats me the same as I grow older in this new “hook up culture” I realize that it seems like it’s to late for me and that I am tk be alone forever I can’t have her then I don’t want anyone I think about her day and night, when I’m sad I think of her, when I’m angry I think of her, when I’m stressed I think of her and even when I’m anxious. But I can’t not have her and that’s what shakes me to my bones is knowing that I won’t be able to be with her again because of my own dumb decisions that caused her so much pain and heartache. I just miss her and I want to feel what it’s like to hold someone in my arms that actually loves me and cares for me, I just want to be whole again I miss you Bailey and I think I’ll always love you you may not the same but you are apart of me and I am More grateful to have had you apart of my life thank you! For everything.

Well fell in love with a girl, but my overthinking had other plans, the feelings of loving again was true bliss and being loved was absolutely an amazing feelings it’s been so long that it felt so new to me like it was the first time all over again, why am I like this, why am I the way I am, why am I scared, why can’t I just let go, am I really about to lose the person I love due to my own insecurities and flaws because I let them get in the way, what do I do, should I just watch her leave me in darkness so she can move on to be happier, should I grab her by the hand and try and make her understand, I don’t want to put that stress on anyone, I wouldn’t wish my issues upon someone else to deal with, but I’m tired of carrying other problems, im tired, im exhausted I can only so much anymore before I just give up and become heartless idk what im even saying at this point im just blabbering away as I watch the one I love slip away out of arms reach, I can’t cry anymore, I’ve tried I physically can not cry but the pain in my chest is so great that it makes it hard to breathe, it makes me want to cry but I just can’t I feel the chest pain of heart break and anxiety as depression creeps, am I going to go back down that dark path of depression filled days, no laughter or happiness just me walking around aimlessly through this thing called life as I just wish to find the one to call my home. Diana I love you for all that it’s worth I’m sorry I put my issues on you and stress you out and push you to your point but if only you could understand my past then you’d understand why’ I am the way I am, sadness is all I feel as this heartbreak settles and sets in I lay here sinking into my bed in silence wishing to be heard by her the love of my my one and only true partner in crime. Please don’t go I beg of you l, you are my last hope for true love I can’t do this again