grantmeawish
Where Everything is Alright
Hi, I'm Grant. I like an interesting selection of music, books, pretty things, and am a firm believer in Christ. The more you read my blog, the closer we can become.
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Saturday February 24th 2024
Today was a sad day. I could barely focus. I could barely force myself to sing. But as a leader, sometimes you need to hide away your sorrows for time waits for no one and soon, the next day shall come.
After worship we had our praise team meeting. Pastor John fed us and all I wanted to do was show you what we ate. It had become very natural to do so. I missed being able to share with someone.
I also watched the new Avatar series with my mom. It was actually pretty well done. But even between the scenes, you would squeeze your way into my thoughts.
I hope you'll forgive me soon. I really miss you. I love you, always.
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So I met a girl...
And she's kind of crazy...
She eats everything and anything without complaining.
She loves to laugh.
She always puts your happiness before hers.
She likes hugs.
She loves Disney movies.
She always needs an ice coffee.
She blushes when you compliment her.
She is strong and independent.
She loves to eat.
She can speak multiple languages.
She is the least pickiest person I've ever met.
She doesn't like scary movies, but she'll watch them with you.
She is fiercely loyal to her friends and family.
She can't drive yet, but she's taking lessons.
She loves costco.
She can eat double whoppers and double quarter pounders.
She likes to watch The Big Bang Theory.
She is into great music.
She makes the cutest facial expressions when she's slightly upset.
She loves mcdonald's french fries.
She looks great in dress shirts.
She knows how to bake.
She loves to travel.
She hates injustice.
She loves dogs!
She is willing to try anything at least once.
She is a great listener.
She loves to eat.
She is willing to watch livestreams.
She likes games and anime.
She loves romantic comedies.
She uses an iphone.
She has a mac... even if it is kind of old.
She wears these Korean grandma pants.
She gets kinda sweaty.
She often smells like citrus.
She knows what she likes.
She loves to have dinners with friends.
She eats and loves white chocolate.
She likes bbq potato chips.
She is willing to move to another state.
She's kind of funny.
She gets me.
She's beautiful, pretty, cute, and stunning.
But most of all, she loves this strange me... sometimes I don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her. Sometimes I wish I could have met her earlier in life, so that she doesn't feel I'm rushing her into marriage. When really, I just love her so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with her... even if it's just one more day.
So what DO I like about her?
Easy... everything.
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September 21st
Wow, it's been about two years since I've written anything on here.
Let's try to recap:
I got a job as a watchmaker at Omega
I went to a billion weddings post-covid
I got to sing the bridal entrance song at a close friend's wedding
I had like five new nieces and nephews
Someone broke into my car and stole a few giftcards and watches
I bought four watches
I made an additional three watches
I lost some old friends
I made some new friends
I lost my Grandfather about two months ago
I met a girl at a friend's wedding about a week ago
I have a girlfriend
I'm sure there are tons of other things that happened, but I can't recollect them all!
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“As I continue to age, one thing I’ve become more aware of is the significance of Picture and Word
The stories that they tell invoke such intemperate emotions
From emphatic sadness, to boundless regret, and even to the restoration of hope in all things good
Tales spun from both fiction and reality batter the senses
Heartstrings stretched, mind numb, breath short…
All bound to the pixels and article on which they were cast.”
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It Has Been About a Year
It’s been about a year since I had fallen for you. Since our hands last touched. Since our last embrace. Since I’ve been able to talk to you with any sense of normalcy.
My mind is often consumed with thoughts of us. Though I try my best to keep them silenced, little things like changing lightbulbs and the speed at which I drive when I’m alone, spark endless thoughts of what could have been. Perhaps that is why there are several lights that have gone out that I haven’t bothered to change.
And I know it is folly... I would never aspire to come betwixt you and happily ever after.
What is even more foolish is how I never imagined I would put myself in this position again. Had I learned nothing in the past decade? Damnit, Grant. I suppose I have learned at least one thing, since I haven’t made the same mistake I did back then. Though this time I’m only involved with one party which makes it even more challenging. I guess I just pretended that it would never end? Or maybe I mean that I had hoped it would never change.
All I can do now is pour my feelings into this illuminated screen, put on a fake smile, and, continue closing the door.
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Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
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Thoughts Often Plague Me
When do two people belong to each other?
Is it the moment they realize they enjoy spending time with each other? Is it the moment they define themselves as in a relationship? Is it the moment they realize they have fallen in love? Is it the moment they find that they can no longer live without the other? Is it the moment when a proposal is accompanied with a resounding “Yes!” and all the joyful emotions thereafter? Is it the moment they say “I do.” before God and other witnesses?
Is it that through entropy and chaos that two beings just happen to be in the right place at the right time? Is it that the two lovers were tied together by the red string of fate? Is it simply destiny?
Could any love suffice? How does one know if the love they feel is enough? Is there a 101 class that I’ve overlooked? Can you even quantify love to be more or less for each person? Is it not that each love is different?
I would not wish this kind of anguish on anyone.
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“There’s a moment when love takes root. Do you know about it? It’s when talking about that person fills you with laughter and joy.”
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What’s Next?
I used to write a lot more, and it was rarely anything besides my weird quirks or my ideas or observations of love. I used to blame my lack of writing on the basis that I no longer had the time, but with Covid 19 and this plethora of time at home... I find I’m still not writing. And although my thoughts on love have not ceased, it seems the longer I exist, the more I try to figure out, the more I read, watch, and listen... the less I’m sure about it.
Years ago I once wrote about my ideal idea of love and how I didn’t want to settle for anything less. And it’s difficult when someone surpasses that ideal of love and yet things don’t work out because of silly things like timing, implicitness, or pride. Especially so when I try to lead my life through efficiency. I don’t mind being patient, and I don’t mind being alone for the time being, I just hate losing pieces of my heart. I hate losing firsts to lovers who I’m no longer committed to. I hate having memories of feelings. I hate the sensations triggered by objects, situations, or smells. I hate having to put on a mask so that others won’t worry. I hate having to lie to myself or others.
I guess all this to say I’m not writing, about love, not because I no longer have the time... I’m just trying to avoid thinking about it.
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Fictitious Hope
Is falling in and out of love a decision that we make? I’ve never been able to will myself in or out of love... and I don’t recall any books, movies, poems, or any other sort of media which this takes place. In fact, I have found it is quite the opposite. Every good love story involves some sort of reluctance which falls upon either side of the party... and maybe that’s just human nature. Maybe we just strive for the sense of overcoming tragedy or breaking past expectations. Though that isn’t to say there aren’t people who choose to reject their own feelings; often resulting in huge amount of torment and suffering, whether it is earned or not.
It seems a bit foolish doesn’t it? Why would anyone who is in love, want to consciously choose to let go of it for whatever selfish reason they have? Fear? Lack of confidence? Lack of commitment? Especially when true love is so rare. I don’t mean to sound like a Disney princess, or prince! but finding true love is so hard... it’s like winning the lottery with someone. You don’t will it to happen, you don’t plan for it, you don’t even hope for it... it just happens.
So, no, I don’t believe love is a decision. It isn’t something that is learned. It isn’t something that we make happen. It is unexpected. It is messy. It is full of uncertainty but it also becomes as certain or as clear as whatever is in front of you.
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I recently saw this on my facebook feed through a funny facebook group. It makes me so sad to see this haha. I don’t mean to sound all preachy but how far we’ve fallen from God’s original plan shown through Adam and Eve.
The only item that should be listed in my opinion is relationship: “You and me... period.” Whatever stage you identify with it should still be you and them. When I’m interested in a girl, there are no other possible candidates that I’m thinking about or comparing them to. There is no need to define ourselves as exclusive because it should already be implied. There are of course reasons to be hesitant and to “test the waters” I’m sure, but come on, test the water one at a time.
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What is “it”?
“For it is a fire that, kindling its first embers in the narrow nook of a private bosom, caught from a wandering spark out of another private heart, glows and enlarges until it warms and beams upon multitudes of men and women, upon the universal heart of all, and so lights up the whole world and all nature with its generous flames. It matters not, therefore, whether we attempt to describe the passion at twenty, at thirty, or at eighty years. He who paints it at the first period will lose some of its later, he who paints it at the last, some of its earlier traits. Only it is to be hoped that, by patience and the Muses' aid, we may attain to that inward view of the law, which shall describe a truth ever young and beautiful, so central that it shall commend itself to the eye, at whatever angle beholden.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’ve always loved transcendentalist literature and although some people find it excessively wordy or so idealistic that no one could ever hope to achieve, it still gives me peace... that there are, or more accurately, there have been those who think idealistically much like me.
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The Process of Restitution
There are only two states that I would plop myself on my bed without changing. One, of course, is a state of elation. Being so happy that all the worries or cares that would normally restrict me from doing so would be shattered. You could imagine one with their face in their pillow, grinning from ear to ear and possibly fluttering their feet.
The second would be despair. The kind where nothing matters and days, weeks, months, and even seasons go by. The air changes from hot to cold and much like your feelings, the clouds encroach and rain begins to pour. This one as well involves ones face in their pillow with a blank expression, their body still and motionless much like their heart.
It is harder still to go from one to the other. For how could one know how happy they were without knowing how sad they could become?
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Poem #1102
“With each passing day where I withhold my words from you
With each passing day where I refrain from thinking about you
With each passing day where I can’t become more familiar with you, to know how your mind works, to know what makes you laugh, to know what kind of weather you enjoy, to know what colors you like - what colors suit you, to know what flavors you like, to know what makes you angry, what makes you sad, just... to have the time to get to know you more
It only makes sense my emotions would wane
And yes at times it seems to get easier... until the torturous pilot light that ignites those connections burn so vehemently that all my focus, all my energy, all my time is spent
Trying not to think of you, trying to be ok without you, trying to convince myself that I couldn’t make you happier”
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Fault #246
I remember when I was younger and still reading love stories and watching romantic comedies, I always thought it was beautiful when the main character acts selflessly and let’s go only to find their love unfurl in the best way possible.
As I got a bit older, maybe the authors or directors had been jaded, I was sure that love acted more selfishly. The main character didn’t care what other people thought or how his love affected others, typically the other guy (or woman in some cases).
And as I get older still I find myself so confused. How does one act selflessly out of love? How does one disregard the impact of their love on other potential suitors when pursuing the one? Again, I feel I don’t know anything and that’s a hard feeling for someone who makes the best judgement possible after obtaining all knowledge presently available.
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