goodbyebabay - Tumblr blog

goodbyebabay · 4 years

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Starting over again. It's Monday, Jun 8th, 2020, and it's nighttime (edit from right before I post: I think I started this about 1030ish). Just some thoughts:

I wish I was happy.

What do you do when you want to hurt yourself? I'm 21 now, I feel like I should know.

I want to cut myself again and I feel like I havent made any progress over the past 7 8 9 years of my life regarding my mental health.

I need to remind myself that it is no one's job to fix me. No lover, no good friend will fix you.

I cannot hurt myself, I might have to go swimming on Saturday and I dont want people to see it .

I often wonder what would happen if I just went back to my early high school self. 400 calories a day, throw up what you put in, no going out to eat with people.

I hate people making the "if you keep vaping ur gonna die" comments. No one noticed when I cut myself or when I starved myself, why is this any different?

If I was 14 and on tumblr, like I was, and saw this post from a 21yo I would think she needs to grow the fuck up. There's no more adolescence for you, kill yourself, get better, or at least stop complaining to no one on the internet.

If a smoke a cigarette and burn myself with it once I could pass it for a bug bite.

I dont enjoy anything. I never did though, so why quit my research lab now? Theres no difference so theres no excuse.

I dont want to go swimming on saturdag they're gonna ask me to chicken fight Jackson and I hate those I think they're stupid and they make me uncomfortable.

I've been thinking about me and others falling over and hitting their heads on the concrete and bleeding out fairly often recently. Probably the buffalo ny video.

I like living alone but what happens when I kill myself, is my body just going to be rotting here for a few days? No my parents would find out and freak out.

I dont see a way out other than suicide. I've been depressed for so long, it's the only possible ending for me.

I also need to remember, this is a big one, that no one or the world owes me anything because I've had a shitty head.

I want to go back to 4th grade where I was stupid and I think i was happy.

I wish I was smarter and I wish I was dumber. I wish I was so ugly no one would talk to me ever and I wish I was pretty so I wouldnt feel so bad about myself.

Just because maddy or anyone has had a different eating disorder or situation doesnt mean you should not consider theirs valid, you should help them given that you've been there before.

Useless bitch.

But i was smart about losing weight. I never passed out, I knew when to exercise and when not to, I ate my nutrients and nothing else, I took the right vitamins. I got down to 80lbs which is honestly pretty close to my current healthy weight, but it took effort. I dedicated so much time to it I dont think I've ever cared about something that much.

I cant believe I used to be sad about losing my period and was genuinely scared that I'd never be able to have kids. How fucking stupid was i?

People have different experiences with mental health. There's being different than yours does not mean they are inferior or had it easier than you, nor does it invalidate yours.

I have probably been faking all of this the entire time. I've made it all up in my head and convinced myself it's okay to blame all my mistakes on my mental issues when the problems always been me.

I have been the reason people leave me. Colin and tyler left because you got too sad in front of them and they didnt know what to do about it. I just want someone to stay and they dont have to fix me I just want to be able to have an anxiety attack in front of them and theyll still want to see me afterwards. I cannot blame them thought they did not sign up for this. You are so much work.

I am a whore and I cant keep excusing myself for it by saying I'm sad and lonely, you are just a whore

That was a good finger workout. I'm tired from all that fast typing now. I'm so behind at work and research everyone is going to know how incompetent I am soon. I am not an engineer and I don't have good time management or organization skills. I am so stupid I cannot read a paper and I've skated by all my classes by getting help or by taking the easy way out and not actually learn anything. Its 1053pm now. Goodnight for a while.

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