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13.08.23
Long time no post because I tired to put my life back together. And I failed I guess.
The psychiatrist lowered my medication dose and suddenly everything went downhill. It was as if my self-confidence and happiness had just been built on medication. I haven't felt pretty for a long time, there are no clothes that make it so. I still regret getting a perm. When I look at my figure, it makes me want to cry.
Lately, I feel like I really need help. My confidence in dealing with people is very stable, but my confidence about my appearance is no longer. Yesterday I was at a party and I saw how the girls were dressed and how glamorous they looked and I just looked like a nightmare.
I'm scared that my boyfriend will lose interest in me because of how fat I've gotten and on top of that, I can't pull myself together. But it's not that I stop at complaining. I try to eat 2000 kcal max every day and walk, do yoga and don't eat sugar. One day I succeed at one thing, the other days I succeed at others. It just happens. I still have hope that I will look and feel better, although I am slowly losing it.
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23.06.23
-PL-
W zależności od humoru żałuję lub nie, tego, że jestem dorosła. Odkąd skończyłam 18 lat chciałam opóźnić starzenie się w jak największym stopniu. Ale bycie coraz starszą niesie ze sobą też sporo plusów (nie wierzę, że to piszę). Na przykład to, że nie jestem już tak wystraszona jak kiedyś, w sytuacjach stresowych lepiej sobie radzę i zanim coś zrobię, to potrafię policzyć do trzech i wymyślić jakieś rozwiązanie. Mogę też być bardziej odpowiedzialna, za siebie oraz za innych. Za samodzielnie zarobione pieniądze kupuję to, co potrzebne oraz czasem to, na co mam po prostu ochotę. Jasne, to nie znaczy, że nagle wszystkie moje problemy zniknęły. Myślę, że zawsze jakieś są. Ale co jeśli po prostu tak ma być? Może gdybyśmy nie rozwiązywali problemów, to stalibyśmy w miejscu w kwestii naszego rozwoju? Zresztą, każdy zna chyba ten moment niesamowitej satysfakcji, kiedy przeskoczy się samego siebie i coś się nam uda.
Miałam wczoraj taką sytuację. Pan, który ledwie co przyleciał do naszego hotelu, zostawił telefon w taksówce. A ja z dumą przyjęłam profesjonalną postawę i starałam się mu jak najlepiej pomóc. Zadzwoniłam na infolinię kontrahenta, u którego robił rezerwację, a później staraliśmy się dodzwonić do taksówkarza. Myślę, że jeszcze parę miesięcy wcześniej bardzo bym się zestresowała w tej sytuacji, chyba nawet bardziej, niż ten pan. Ale teraz, jestem w stanie zachować zimną krew.
Uwielbiam też widzieć uśmiech innych. Staram się go zawsze wywoływać, jak najczęściej. Utożsamiam się z podejściem jednego gościa, o którym wspominałam już we wcześniejszym poście. Powiedział, że w ciągu jednego dnia stara się pobić rekord z dnia poprzedniego w sprawianiu komuś uśmiechu na twarzy. I z tą dewizą chciałabym dalej iść przez życie.
Ja sama jeszcze nie umiem siebie traktować, jak dorosłą, taką prawdziwą, jak z książek, czy jak te wszystkie dorosłe panie, które widuje się na ulicach, czy w tramwaju. Ale cieszę się, że (chyba) w pracy mnie tak traktują. Doceniają mój wkład i zaangażowanie z czego niezmiernie się cieszę.
Wracając z pracy byłam tak zmęczona, że kleiły mi się oczy, ale zobaczyłam coś, co bardzo mnie rozweseliło. W tramwaju, na siedzeniu obok siedziała pani, w jasnych falowanych włosach, a obok był pies, którego futerko bardzo przypominało jej włosy (cocker spaniel). Wskoczył jej przednimi łapkami na kolana, a pani, jak gdyby wierzyła, że towarzysz ją rozumie - mówiła do niego "Zobacz, poznajesz tą okolicę?".
-ENG-
Depending on my mood, I may or may not regret being an adult. Ever since I turned 18, I wanted to delay getting older as much as possible. But getting older also brings a lot of pluses (I can't believe I'm writing this). For example, the fact that I'm no longer as scared as I used to be, I can cope better in stressful situations and I can count to three and come up with a solution before I do something. I can also be more responsible, for myself and for others. With the money I earn on my own, I buy what I need and sometimes what I just feel like. Sure, that doesn't mean that suddenly all my problems have disappeared. I think there are always some. But what if it's just meant to be? Maybe if we didn't solve the problems, we'd be stagnating in terms of our development? Anyway, everyone probably knows that moment of incredible satisfaction when we leap over ourselves and succeed at something.
I had this situation yesterday. A gentleman who had barely arrived in our hotel had left his phone in the taxi. And I proudly took a professional attitude and tried my best to help him. I called the helpline of the contractor he was booking with, and then we tried to get through to the taxi driver. I think that just a few months earlier I would have been very stressed in this situation, probably even more so than this gentleman. But now, I'm able to keep my cool.
I also love to see others smile. I always try to evoke it as often as possible. I identify with the approach of one guy I mentioned in an earlier post. He said that in one day he tries to break the previous day's record of making someone smile. And with this motto I would like to continue to go through life.
I myself don't yet know how to treat myself like an adult, a real one, like from books, or like all those grown-up ladies you see on the streets or on the tram. But I'm glad that (I think) at work they treat me this way. They appreciate my contribution and commitment, which I am extremely happy about.
Coming back from work I was so tired that my eyes were sticky, but I saw something that cheered me up a lot. On the tram, there was a lady sitting in the seat next to me, with light wavy hair, and next to her was a dog whose fur very much resembled her hair (a cocker spaniel). He jumped onto her lap with his front paws, and the lady, as if believing her companion understood her - said to him "See, do you recognise this area?".
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Found this on Pinterest and I'd love to unlearn those things too...
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18.06.23
-PL-
Dzisiaj mam bardzo kiepski humor. Wczoraj wieczorem mój ukochany również miał, ale starałam się go pocieszyć. Szkoda tylko, że ja czasami również zapominam o tym, co mówię innym, gdy chcę podnieść ich na duchu. Może to jednak nie takie proste... Głównie jestem zmartwiona tym, że bardzo przytyłam (w ciągu jakichś 3 lat - 10 kg, albo więcej). Wczoraj, gdy kochaliśmy się, czułam się bardzo źle ze sobą. Cieszyłam się oczywiście z tej chwili zbliżenia, ale patrząc na swoje ciało czułam obrzydzenie. Dodatkowo on ostatnio bardzo dużo ćwiczy i zdrowo je, wygląda sto razy lepiej ode mnie. Jest bardzo seksowny, podoba mi się, ale budzi to we mnie również duże kompleksy. Z jednej strony staram się być dla siebie wyrozumiała - akceptować to, że moje ciało potrzebuje dużo kalorii, żeby wynagrodzić sobie przebodźcowanie (przynajmniej tak jest w moim odczuciu) i że jestem zmęczona pracą, szczególnie na nockach i moje ciało również. Staram się nie patrzeć na siebie, jak na grubaskę, ale powoli nie daję rady.
Chciałabym się podobać sobie i mojemu ukochanemu. Wiem, że on może mówić, że mnie kocha taką, jaką jestem, ale w głębi może czuć obrzydzenie. Może też być inaczej - że nie przejmuje się moją wagą. Ale wolę być zapobiegawcza i w końcu coś ze sobą zrobić.
Mam problem z jedzeniem mniejszej ilości kalorii, bo finalnie sprawia to, że się obżeram. Mam problem z ćwiczeniami, bo bardzo ich nie lubię, szczególnie nie lubię się pocić i zawsze po zrobieniu ich zamiast czuć się lepiej, czuję, że nie daję sobie rady. Nie wiem, co zrobić. Chyba jestem w momencie, kiedy potrzebuję pomocy. Ale kto w tych czasach ma pieniądze na dietetyka? Można by rzec - zamiast kupować jedzenie (o ironio), wydaj je na lekarza. Ale tak jak już wcześniej wspomniałam - muszę znaleźć jakieś wyjście z sytuacji, które uwzględnia możliwość jedzenia, bo bez niego po krótkim czasie dostaję napadów obżarstwa i wtedy trzeba zaczynać wszystko od nowa. Co gorsza, dużo moich ciuchów na mnie już nie pasuje (i to bardzo ładnych), a ja nie mam tylu pieniędzy, żeby móc nagle kupić ich sporo w większym rozmiarze. Cała ta sytuacja doprowadza mnie do płaczu. Ale ostatnio nawet on mi nie wychodzi.
Drugą rzeczą, która mnie wkurza, jest to, że czuję, że większość moich relacji jest jednostronna. Ludzie spotykając się ze mną mówią głównie o sobie. Ostatnio widząc się z moją koleżanką M. dosłownie większość spotkania słuchałam tego, jak ona mówi. Lubię słuchać, życie innych i ich problemy mnie interesują, ale przez to ja czuję się nie wysłuchana. Ostatnio też nie wychodzę nigdzie na miasto, bo albo nie mam z kim, albo nie mam siły. Mam wrażenie, że nie nadaję się do wyjść, bo ilość ludzi czasem mnie przytłacza, a moje zdolności poznawcze są wtedy mocno ograniczone. A z drugiej strony czuję, że potrzebuję po prostu się gdzieś poszwędać, zabawić.
Trzecią rzeczą jest to, że nie potrafię się ubierać. W takim sensie, że obserwując innych i porównując moje ubrania do nich - czuję, że wyglądam okropnie (dodając jeszcze to, że zgrubłam). Chciałabym mieć w końcu odwagę ubierać fajne rzeczy, chciałabym takie kupować bez myślenia typu "Ludzie mnie wyśmieją". Tym bardziej chciałabym przestać się przejmować odkrywaniem ciała. Ale chyba najpierw będę musiała o nie zadbać. Chciałabym wyglądać oryginalnie, ale zawsze kończy się na tym, że ubieram to samo, bez większego namysłu i kończę wyglądając basic i nudnie. Byłoby super, gdyby ktoś podpowiedział mi co ubierać, albo wystylizował mnie tak, aby ubiór pasował do mojej sylwetki - bo to kolejny problem, czyli to, że nie wiem, co pasuje do mojej figury.
Będę musiała poświęcić trochę czasu dla siebie i namyślić się, jak rozwiązać te problemy, bo aktualnie nikt oprócz mnie raczej mi nie pomoże.
-ENG-
Today I have a very bad mood. Last night my beloved was also feeling bad, but I tried to comfort him. It's just a pity that I also sometimes forget what I say to others when I want to lift their spirits. Maybe it's not that simple after all… The main thing I'm worried about is that I've gained a lot of weight (in about 3 years - 10 kg or more). Yesterday, when we made love, I felt very bad about myself. I was enjoying the moment of closeness, of course, but looking at my body I felt disgusted. Plus he has been exercising a lot lately and eating healthy, he looks a hundred times better than me. He is very sexy, I like it, but it also arouses big complexes in me. On the one hand, I try to be understanding to myself - to accept that my body needs a lot of calories to compensate for overexertion (at least that's how I feel) and that I'm tired at work, especially on night shifts, and my body is too. I try not to look at myself as fat, but I'm slowly failing.
I would like to please myself and my beloved. I know he may say he loves me as I am, but deep down he may feel disgusted. It could also be the other way around - that he doesn't care about my weight. But I prefer to be precautionary and finally do something about myself.
I have a problem with eating fewer calories because it ends up making me binge. I have a problem with exercising because I don't like it very much, I especially don't like to sweat and always after doing it instead of feeling better, I feel like I can't cope. I don't know what to do. I think I'm at the point where I need help. But who has the money for a nutritionist these days? You could say - instead of buying food, spend it on a doctor. But as I mentioned before - I need to find some way out of the situation that includes the possibility of food, because without it I get binge eating fits after a short time and then have to start all over again. To make matters worse, a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore (and very nice ones at that), and I don't have that much money to be able to suddenly buy a lot of them in a bigger size. The whole situation makes me cry. But lately even he hasn't been working out for me.
The other thing that bugs me is that I feel most of my relationships are one-sided. When people meet me they mostly talk about themselves. Recently seeing my friend M. I literally spent most of the meeting listening to her talk. I like to listen, the lives of others and their problems interest me, but this makes me feel not listened to. I also don't go out anywhere lately because I either don't have anyone to go out with or don't have the energy. I feel that I am not fit to go out because the amount of people sometimes overwhelms me and my cognitive abilities are then severely limited. And on the other hand, I feel like I just need somewhere to go, to have fun.
The third thing is that I can't dress myself. In the sense that watching others and comparing my clothes to theirs - I feel I look terrible (adding to the fact that I've gotten fat). I'd like to finally have the courage to wear cool things, I'd like to buy things like that without thinking "People will laugh at me". Even more so, I'd like to stop worrying about revealing my body. But I think I'll have to take care of it first. I'd like to look original, but I always end up wearing the same thing without much thought and end up looking basic and boring. It would be great if someone could give me suggestions on what to wear, or style me so that the clothes fit my figure - because that's another problem, which is that I don't know what fits my figure.
I'm going to have to take some time for myself and think about how to solve these problems, because at the moment no one but me is likely to help me.
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15.06.23
-PL-
Lubię dni dla siebie. Uważam, że organizowanie ich jest szalenie ważne, tak aby móc zachować stabilność psychiczną. Poświęcam wtedy czas jedynie sobie - zabieram się na dobre jedzonko, idę do sklepów z odzieżą używaną i szukam oryginalnych rzeczy, potem idę na kawę (najlepiej mrożoną), dużo spaceruję i gdy mam siłę, to w domu rysuję, szyję lub zajmuję się innymi robótkami ręcznymi. Jest to dla mnie swego rodzaju detoks.
Wiadomo, gdy chodzę po mieście, to mijam ludzi, jest też dużo światła i dźwięków. Ale ubieram wtedy okulary i słuchawki i mogę normalnie funkcjonować. Zazdroszczę ludziom, którzy są w stanie przeżyć bez tego, ale jakoś muszę sobie radzić, prawda?
Lubię to miasto. Lubię chodzić do tanich wietnamskich restauracji, tak uroczo obskurnych. Dzisiaj zjadłam tam pyszny makaron udon (mój ulubiony) i wypiłam napój liczi, który był przepyszny. Kupiłam też spódnicę, w której czuję się bardzo hot, dwa śliczne paski oraz biustonosz z różowej koronki. Lubię też być dziewczyną i móc ubierać te wszystkie piękne rzeczy. Zrobiłam prawie 8700 kroków (to ok. 6km), bardzo dobrze się po tym czuję.
Mogę również pogratulować sobie, bo mimo, że miałam opcję, żeby się przejeść (nie było w domu mojego chłopaka), to nie zrobiłam tego. Nie wiem, czy o tym pisałam, ale od dłuższego czasu cierpię na obsesyjne objadanie się. Na początku było okej jeść po prostu dużo i w końcu tyle ile chcę (wcześniej cierpiałam na anoreksję), ale teraz kiedy zgrubłam... zaczęłam widzieć, że to mi nie służy. I nie tylko przez to, że przybrałam na wadze, ale też moje ciało zdaje się być "napompowane", bo jem bardzo dużo niezdrowych rzeczy. Każdego dnia staram się to powstrzymać, ale jest to bardzo trudne. Dzisiaj się udało, zobaczymy co będzie dalej.
-ENG-
I like days to myself. I believe that organizing them is insanely important so that I can maintain mental stability. I then devote time only to myself - I take myself out to eat well, go to second-hand shops and look for original things, then go for coffee (preferably iced), walk a lot and, when I have the strength, draw, sew, etc. It's like a detox for me.
When I walk around the city I pass people, there are also a lot of lights and sounds. But then I wear my glasses and headphones and I can function normally. I envy people who are able to survive without it, but somehow I have to manage, right?
I like this city. I like going to cheap Vietnamese restaurants, so charmingly outlandish. Today I ate delicious udon noodles there (my favourite) and had a lychee drink, which was delicious. I also bought a skirt that I feel very hot in, two pretty belts and a pink lace bra. I like being a girl and being able to wear all these beautiful things. I did almost 8700 steps (that's about 6km), I feel very good after that.
I can also congratulate myself, because although I had the option to overeat (my boyfriend wasn't home), I didn't. I don't know if I've written about this, but I've been suffering from obsessive overeating for a long time. At first it was ok to just eat a lot and eventually as much as I want (I suffered from anorexia before), but now that I've gotten fatter.... I started to see that it wasn't doing me any good. And it's not just because I've put on weight, but my body seems to be 'pumped up' because I'm eating a lot of unhealthy things. Every day I try to stop it, but it is very difficult. Today it worked, we'll see what happens next.
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12.06.23
-PL-
Wczoraj miałam więcej energii, więc mogłam ją poświęcić na rozmowę z gośmi hotelowymi.
Niestety moje pokłady energii nie są na tyle duże, abym mogła sobie pozwolić na długie, bardzo żywe rozmowy, dlatego ostatnio obrałam pozycję słuchacza. I wcale nie jest to złe. Dzięki pracy w hotelu zauważam jak różnią się między sobą poszczególne narodowości. Jedna z rzeczy, którą zaobserwowałam to to, że Polacy niechętnie pytają kogoś, co u niego. Wolą raczej mówić o własnych przeżyciach. Na początku mnie to smuciło, jednak jak to przystało na mnie - dopasowuję sposób rozmowy pod rozmówców. Czy mnie to męczy? Czasami. Ale w ten sposób jest łatwiej.
W momencie, gdy kogoś poznaję, buduję sobie w głowie swego rodzaju prototyp jego osobowości, cech charakteru i tego, w jaki sposób mogę się z tą osobą porozumiewać. Zapamiętuję różne elementy dotyczące życia tej osoby oraz sposoby na rozmowę z nią. Prototyp ten wygląda dość "oklepanie" - wyobrażam sobie daną osobę, jakby w momencie tworzenia postaci w grze komputerowej. Jest ona hologramem, a gdy rozwinie się jej opis, można przeczytać o niej szczegółowe informacje. Również te, w jaki sposób z taką osobą rozmawiać.
Doświadczyłam dzisiaj dwóch ciekawych rozmów z goścmi.
Pierwsi - para, ok. 70 lat. Pani z bardzo miłą, promienną twarzą i fryzurą, którą nie często widuje się u Polek w tym wieku (włosy do ramion, grzywka spięta spinkami). Jej towarzysz miał urodę brzydko mówiąc "hobbita", ale muszę przyznać, że czegoś takiego jeszcze nie widziałam i że śmiało mógłby obrać tą rolę w filmie. Wyrażał się bardzo elegancko, tak samo elegancka była jego gestykulacja.
Rozmawialiśmy o ich wycieczce do Auschwitz, o psychologii, serialach i o tym, że ludzie powinni częściej sprawdzać informacje, które są podane na Internecie.
Następny jegomość, który pojawił się przy recepcji, zresztą dość nieśmiało, to pan również w wieku ok. 70 lat. Na pierwszy rzut oka wyglądał, jak typowy artysta lub pisarz - roztrzepane włosy, mętne spojrzenie. Zapytał mnie, czy będę mogła go obudzić o 6:30, ponieważ musi wstać na śniadanie. Zapytałam go, czy ma może budzik w swoim telefonie, na co on odpowiedział, że nie wie. Zdziwiło mnie to bardzo, a on podał mi telefon i bezsłownie przekazał, żebym mu pomogła. Zapytał też, jak może go wyłączyć, dlatego zrobiliśmy dwie próby "wyłączania" budzika. Był bardzo sympatyczny, dużo się uśmiechał i mówił bardzo powoli. Miałam nawet czasami wrażenie, że rozumie jedynie co drugie moje słowo, ale myliłam się, ponieważ rozumiał wszystko. Tylko odpowiedzi zajmowały mu bardzo długo, jakby chciał wyrazić się tak poprawnie, że bał się zacząć mówić od razu, jak ja skończę. Okazało się, że jest epidemiologiem. Opowiedział mi o swojej pracy, na co ja, że prawdopodobnie korzystałam z jego badań robiąc research na studiach. Ucieszył się.
-ENG-
Yesterday I had more energy, so I was able to spend it talking to hotel guests.
Unfortunately, my energy reserves are not large enough for me to participate in long, very lively conversations, so lately I have taken the position of a listener. And this is not a bad thing at all. Thanks to my work at the hotel, I'm noticing how different nationalities are from one another. One thing I've observed is that Poles are reluctant to ask someone how they are doing. They would rather talk about their own experiences. This saddened me at first, but as befits me - I adjust the way I talk to suit my interlocutors. Does it make me tired? Sometimes. But this way is easier.
The moment I get to know someone, I build a kind of prototype in my mind of his personality, character traits and how I can communicate with this person. I memorize various elements about this person's life and ways to talk to him. This prototype looks quite "trivial" - I imagine the person, as if at the moment of creating a character in a computer game. He/she is a hologram, and when you develop her description, you can read detailed information about him/her. Also those on how to talk to such a person.
I experienced two interesting conversations with guests today.
The first - a couple, about 70 years old. A lady with a very pleasant, radiant face and a hairstyle that you don't often see in Polish women of this age (shoulder-length hair, bangs pinned up). Her companion had the beauty of a "hobbit," but I have to say that I haven't seen something like this before, and that he could boldly take this role in the film. His expression was very elegant, and so was his gesticulation.
We talked about their trip to Auschwitz, psychology, TV series and the fact that people should check more often the information that is provided on the Internet.
The next gentleman to appear at the reception desk, rather shyly in fact, was a gentleman also aged around 70. At first glance, he looked like a typical artist or writer - dishevelled hair, cloudy eyes. He asked me if I would be able to wake him up at 6:30, as he had to get up for breakfast. I asked him if he perhaps had an alarm clock on his phone, to which he replied that he didn't know. I was very surprised and he handed me the phone and wordlessly told me to help him. He also asked how he could turn it off, so we made two attempts to 'turn off' the alarm clock.
He was very friendly, smiled a lot and spoke very slowly. I even had the impression sometimes that he only understood every other word I said, but I was wrong because he understood everything. It was only the answers that took him a very long time, as if he wanted to express himself so correctly that he was afraid to start talking right after I had finished. It turned out that he was an epidemiologist. He told me about his work, to which I said that I had probably used his research when doing research at university. He was pleased.
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23.04.23
I think I'm doing well at work, which I'm happy about. But what I'm less happy about, for sure, is that I think I'm coping with myself on average. This doesn't surprise me at all anymore. Ever since I was a kid, I've felt weird, not only as myself, but also in the world I'm in.
I find it hard to explain. I just feel like I function differently to others. All my relatives/friends say that the fact that I think I have autism is a mistake and that I am exaggerating. On the one hand, this is a good thing, because it could mean that I can't be seen to be different. But on the other hand, I feel sad that they are downplaying my concerns. I think my life would be a lot easier if someone told me how to deal with the symptoms I have.
Perhaps I give too much thought to everything around me? Maybe I pity myself too much? I've been losing myself a lot in my head lately and I feel like I have less and less ability to express my feelings.
I reflect on everything - especially social rules that I don't understand, the meaning of feelings and relationships with people. I feel strange.
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15.04.23
I was out for coffee with my college friend today. I always enjoy it when we get together. Our relationship mainly consists of discussing our current problems and what funny things have happened. Can I call her a best friend? I don't know, I have a strange outlook on dealing with people. If I like someone, I usually feel like keeping in touch with them all the time, and I get sad when we don't see each other for a long time. I'm probably pretty straightforward when it comes to relationships.
Recently I realized that I am having a hard time starting a new relationship. I've been trying to get into a fwb type relationship with some woman, but it usually ends with just an online conversation and when a meeting is supposed to happen, I usually give up. I don't know why this is so difficult for me.... I would love to go straight to the "you can freely fart and sleep over at my place after parties" level.
That's why I usually stuck to friendships with people I've known for a long time, even though they didn't serve me, for example. This was also the case with J, who recently told me that our romantic relationship (temporary because he ignored me) was a farce and he doesn't know why it even happened. Yes, in fact, it is unclear why he gave me hope by kissing me in his bed. Even though it's been a few years, I still can't stand it sometimes. I always fall in love with idiots and a minimal dose of affection always remains in me, unfortunately.
I started to like working, it's strange. What I like most is talking to hotel guests. I just hope I don't hate the job after a while, that would be unpleasant. Unfortunately, due to working mostly night shifts, I don't have time for hobbies, which I'm starting to like less. But I try to explain to myself that on my days off I will be able to devote myself to them.
What has also changed is my boyfriend's approach to our sex life. I don't want to jinx it, of course, but it's better. He surprised me with a dose of experimentation and slight dominance, which made me very horny. I hope that this kind of humor will be given to him more often. I think he just feels more confident thanks to the fact that he is exercising and has started working in the army.
Despite all the wonderful things that happen to me, there is always something that still bothers me. And that something is anxious-like overeating, which has been with me for a couple of years now. It is bothersome and I don't know how to get rid of it. I hope I can find a way to do it.
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2.04.23
Okay, well... a lot of things were happening. I found a job in a hotel, as a receptionist. So far it's great, but I don't want to jinx it. The manager and co-workers are very nice, I get free coffee and food, I can talk to guests and work in front of the computer.
I've also been to a psychiatrist and have begun to think more deeply about my functioning. I would like to enroll in a psychotherapist, who (I hope), would help me embrace how I operate on a daily basis. However, I will have to wait a while for that and for now I have to manage on my own. I have a suspicion that I am an autistic person. That would explain a lot.
I also often wonder about my relationship. In general, about my life. It's hard to explain, but lately I've been wondering if everything with me is really ok. There are a lot of things I'd like to do, and I'm afraid I won't succeed. I'd like to be able to play with kinky stuff, but my boyfriend has a medium attitude towards it. We always have sex similarly, and for some time now, I don't seem to be able to become as horny as I need to be.
I don't want this relationship to end, but on the other hand, I know that if there is something missing from my relationship with another person, I get bored pretty quickly and don't always have the influence to change it.
What scares me even more is that we have been together for almost 3 years now and my parents and grandparents like him very much, I also love him and have gotten used to his presence in the house. He buys various things for me and for the house, supports me and is loving. Only there is always something wrong with sex. i am afraid to end this relationship and i am not saying that i want to do it. but we've had a couple of arguments about our sex life and it almost ended in a breakup, but i don't think i can say it's over. i don't know why.
I always give an infinite number of chances, because I hope that something else will change....
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22.02.23
The time has come when I have to face a new challenge - being alone. My boyfriend went to the army for a month's training. Fortunately, I can see him once a week on Sunday, which made me very happy. However, I haven't had time to feel lonely - a friend was with me yesterday, and today I went to do "adult errands" and in the evening a friend - M - will visit me.
I continue to look for work. Despite living in the city, it has proven difficult. I've been to a couple of interviews, but unfortunately either the conditions didn't suit me or the form of work. I was supposed to work in the form of a stream, however, it turned out that the work involves exposing myself.... If I wanted, I could do such things even at home. I was also supposed to work as a fundraiser, however, I got sick on the very first day.
Sometimes I think I should write a book about my seemingly trivial life problems, which are actually funny adventures. Besides, everyone knows that books with characters you can identify with are attractive to readers.
I try to find an advantage in every situation. Now that I don't have a job I at least have time for hobbies - I can sew collars, paint some picture.
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08.02.2023
It was tough. The current situation is better. And even very good (surprisingly). After dropping out of college, I felt freedom, and immediately got down to what I like - I'm already creating my second painting, and I'm also finally reading the books I'd been putting off to read the ones I needed for college.
I looked for a job for two weeks, and found a rather unusual one - as a streamer. I don't know yet if it's not some kind of fake or scam. I'm just curious about what the job entails, and I figured I wouldn't turn it down just because I've never done anything like it before. Besides, what could be so bad for me there? I wouldn't even have a problem showing my feet to some random people on the Internet. I'm a very open-minded person. Maybe am I naive? Whatever.
I got some money for my birthday and bought myself a lot of cool stuff. My shopaholism sometimes worries me, but at least I don't give up food to buy myself new shoes.
So, it's great. But whenever it's like that, I'm always afraid of what's going to happen later, because at some point there's always some kind of breakdown. Let's hope not this time.
As for the medication - the first two weeks on Escitalopram were nightmarish. Constant nausea, abdominal pain, diarrhea, feeling tired, dizziness. Now I feel that it has finally started to help. My head seems to have quieted down, which is a very pleasant feeling.
As for future plans - I really have a lot, too many. I don't know what to decide on. I was thinking about graphic design (e.g., websites, merch, products), clothing design, interior design, certification as an occupational therapist, yoga or dance instructor. I am currently considering choosing one of these options, as I know I can't do everything.
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27.01.23
This was one of the strangest birthdays I've had. On the one hand, I barely rose from the dead, and on the other hand, I need to take a new direction in my life as soon as possible. I need to find a job, maybe some new course of study or a vocational course. Fortunately, I have some ideas for myself.
The past week was the worst that has happened to me since I started my studies. Every day my heart and stomach hurt, I had diarrhea, great sadness and resignation in my heart.
It was hard for me to come to terms with the change that had taken place, but I guess now it has finally come to me. This morning I was happy like a child that I managed to eat breakfast without wanting to throw up. It's always a sure step forward. We'll see what happens next.
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19.01.2023
There have been a lot of changes. And some that I didn't expect. For a long time I had already wondered if it suited me to this field of study, but this time I decided that it did not. I will probably regret it at times. But these studies have eaten me to the core. In the last few days I was like a corpse - I couldn't eat, had diarrhea, constant stomach and chest pain. Every morning I woke up with anxiety, I didn't know what to do with myself and what would happen to me.
I felt unreal (I still have such moments, by the way), I felt that I was at the limit of my endurance. I started to function on tranquilizers, and it was the only thing that allowed me to keep the remnants of sanity. Besides, they made me sleep a lot, so I didn't have to think.
I constantly wonder about the meaning of my existence, about what I am good for. I must now find a job as soon as possible. I want to embrace my life somehow. I know it probably won't be easy at work, but still I don't want to give up. I need money, so I have to work. I don't think it's been a long time since I've been so pinned down. I am only saved by daydreaming about which employer will want to call me back. But I'm also comforted by the fact that I finally have time to indulge in my hobbies.
I think this summary of events is enough. I will certainly write something more about it, but for now I am still tired.
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08.01.23
Amazingly, it's been 8 days of the new year, and I've already fixed my life a bit. I've returned to healthy eating, but I don't set myself up for no "slip-ups." I give myself space for unhealthy food, because I know that sometimes you just can't do otherwise, or you have an irresistible urge for it. Taking care of your health is important, but come on, life is too short not to eat a pizza or a burger once in a while. I'm also glad that I learned to make a lot of different dishes, such as baked eggplant with olives and sun-dried tomatoes, pasta with shrimp, ratatouille.
I achieved (although I only had one such day) that even though my partner wasn't home, I was motivated to make a good use of the day and didn't feel bad or lonely. It was a big success for me and it made my day.
I also try to study for exams. It is difficult for me to concentrate, but I try nonetheless. I have found happiness in constantly developing myself and correcting the flaws that hinder me.
But it's not a "compulsion to develop" either, I try to accept that sometimes I don't have the energy or desire to do things, and I don't require myself to be constantly active. I don't want to go to any extremes. I want to accept, but not allow myself to be lazy or neglectful.
I wish I had time to read books this year. It's one of the things that keeps me from thinking about silly things (even though I often get distracted). I want to learn about various classic writers and works that everyone should read. It gives me a lot of joy when I enter the world invented by the author.
All in all, this is the first year I'm starting with the hope that I have some influence on my well-being and how my life will be.
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The most important life-changing thing is gratitude.
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Time for...New Year's resolutions (for myself but you could get inspired)
1. Spend more time listening to podcasts or watching TED instead of wasting time on social media
2. Constantly correct in myself things I do not like
3. Focus more on what is around me, not on my thoughts
4. Be prepared to be wrong and that I may not know something (and that's ok)
5. Come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect in everything & I can't control everything (and that's ok too)
6. Develop new ways to deal with stress
7. Be more confident, put yourself on equal footing with your partner
8. Don't apologize so many times
9. Dress extravagantly and don't care about people
10. Not to perform everything I am asked to do
11. Go outside my comfort zone more often (sports, new job, new challenges)
12. To do more often things that develop me without thinking if I want to (painting, sewing, sculpting, etc.)
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2.01.23
I'm home again. In this "better" one, created by me and my boyfriend for us, for our peace of mind and mental well-being. Here I don't have to listen to shouting, arguing and family members blaming each other. I am happy with what I have. I'm comfortable here, especially since my partner, like me, prefers to avoid conflilations.
I keep wondering how I will cope when he leaves for a month. But I would like to use this time to take care of myself, study for exams and avoid crying about his departure. I will already try to arrange my time somehow, to find people who would like to come to me. But I also feel that I should take care of some of my things, embrace my thoughts and clear my head. It will be a good time to do so.
I think I've already come up with a few things I'd like to work on this year. But I'll probably write about that in my next post.
It's hard for me to go on with the idea that my parents are only good to me when I'm at home or when I'm with them for two days at most. I have the feeling that they don't accept me as I am. Recently they said that I should be grateful to them for not excluding me from the family because of my beliefs. What is there to be grateful for? For the bare minimum? That sounds absurd. But I'm at a point in my life where I think I've come to terms with the fact that we don't have good contact. Of course, I'm kinda sad about this, but still, I have my own life now, I've "flown the nest" and I can finally live the life I want (almost). So why am I sad? I don't know myself.
Maybe I just want things to be just right between us. Not even great, but just plain good. But this could probably only come true if I didn't express my own opinions and was as they want me to be. Even if we don't bring up topics such as faith on a daily basis, I know that in the back of their minds they have something like "We would like our daughter to be a believer." and that something then sits in the back of my head, too. It's just so hard sometimes.
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