Mein Jungs: euch vermisse ich wahnsinnig viel. Das haetten wir VIEL VIEL frueher gemacht haben!! Mein herzlichsten und liebsten Gruessen an euch...

Disclaimer: this is in no way being shared because we think we’re great, or I’m in a band or etc etc. Trust me, I’m no solo singer and would NOT share this for that reason!! Embarrassing. This is... a simple and sweet and not that great recording which tells the story of friendship. It occupies a very important piece of my heart from my time in Hannover, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would share it, really.

This is where I was and what I was doing my last Saturday night before flying home (I flew home too early, period). It still feels incredibly fresh in my mind. That’s so bittersweet for me... all of this happened not too long ago, and I already have to think of these times as memories... and not anymore as my life. I hate knowing that I can’t get on a tram or S-Bahn this weekend and see you. That hurts to think about.

I made a post a while back about a young engineer I met on a plane back in January-- that’s him on the drums. Over the course of our friendship, I found out that these two are musicians, and used to cover Beatles tunes. This was.... TOO PERFECT. Anyone who has known me since adolescence knows I had (have?) a thing for the Beatles. So, I responded to this knowledge by inviting myself to play with them. (a tactic that worked pretty well for me during Fulbright)

We made a set list. I suggested throwing on Oh Darling. These two hadn’t played it before. And the room simply came to life

(By the way, these two fools took what was supposed to be a messy, silly jam session and brought their fancy tools and recording equipment and made it such a pleasurable, memorable session. Though it was, of course, still messy and silly)

Back in high school they took little rock lessons and would play at weddings and stuff. They had some pretty embarrassing stories, and some even more embarrassing audio proof. They’d kill me if I linked their old CD... so I won’t!

Enjoy!

P.S. We took a break that evening to catch the ice cream truck. It was a big van with Italian wording all over the outside. Didn’t look too special, I was almost skeptical of it. And the father/Opa treated. This old truck-- and the older man inside-- served us QUALITY adult Eis creations with just the right amount of Schnapps :-)  Btw... their Vater who treated intrigued me very much. He was intelligent, witty, seemed kind and perceptive. I wish I could have gotten to know him more. (maybe im Zukunft?)

Guter Freund, danke fuer alles dass du mich gelehrt hast-- besonder das, wovon du nicht weisst. Die sind aber die Lehren, die mir vielleicht am liebsten sind. Unkompliziert zu bleiben. Das Leben einfach zu machen und zu betrachten, und es zu geniessen. Das hast du mir durch deine Taten, nicht durch irgendwelche pseudophilosophische Gespraechsversuchen oder so, gezeigt; und deshalb haben sie mich so stark beeinfluesst. Diese Lebenseinstellung werde ich mit mir immer nehmen und darueber nachdenken-- danke.

time

“I know the future seems uncertain right now, but I stand by what I said last night; give yourself time, and don’t be so hard on yourself.”

-Elise

giving yourself time is such a lovely concept-- when you take off the pressure of the eyes on you and the money that needs to flow

I feel like whatever I decide to do in the next year is critical and I am so afraid of settling or getting stuck.

and this is why she warns me to not be so hard on myself.

It is hard to feel content when you feel you've left a a part of you in a place very far away. And I treasure that piece and am afraid of losing it or forgetting it-- making it hard to be truly in the moment.

pro of dad having probation starting at 6pm: offering family game nights makes his day

Empfindlichkeit-- ,,Deine starken Gefühle verleiten dich manchmal zu Impulsivität, die sich in Kreativität und Offenheit äußert, aber auch selbstzerstörerische Tendenzen annehmen kann."

german buzzfeed, nailing my personality flaws

Unterricht bleibt Unterricht

In case you forgot what it's like to be around 6th graders, let me share a few moments from my day today that made me go "hmmm."

--*me, opening a teacher's lounge door* "Frau Nuetzmann, they're kissing!!" *I turn my head; am looked dead in the eye by a 6th grade boy, he then turns to start making out with a 6th grade girl*

--Teacher: You can't leave class whenever you want. If you are having drama with your friend group, then you have to work that out after school, or during breaks. This is class time. Student: but....... we can't find a good place to deal with this in the school during breaks... so all that's left is... during class. (actual argument) Me, unable to stop gut reaction (oops): mm-mm girl. NO.

--Frau Nuetzmann, was ist B-U-T-T auf Deutsch?

Germany or USA, 6th graders are 6th graders. Especially these ones, though.

(but seriously, how am I supposed to feel about that child's eye contact with me before he turned to his lil ladyfriend...? Like, what. Why)

Re: gratitude, maybe an overdone theme

More than occasionally the idea of staying in the present moment during my last months in Europa jumps and lands right in the forefront of my mind. Attaining the present moment can mean a lot of things, mainly less screen time (i.e. less talking to and thinking about bae-- why is maintaining balance in long distance relationships this difficult?), more getting up and going out and investing, more invigoration to work... and, most importantly, more Thankfulness. 

Thankfulness charges me to jump into work with a joy instead of a slouch, and to authentically put others before myself. Sometimes it’s manufactured, which sucks and is a little icky if you think too long about it, but it is even more icky to lose sight of this positivity at all. Thankfulness charges me to consider, all over again, how great opportunity Fulbright is. 

And, what feels the most immediate for me is that Thankfulness cures a lot of the woes and blues I’ll experience. For example, this week....

...I was worried about going in for the first day after a long Easter break of travelling and chilling and seeing friends and speaking English and applying for jobs back home and doing me. (What was I worried about? Breaking the daze of comfort and complacency? I’m here to do a job). Instead, I felt great on the way to work this morning. Which may have to do with that manufactured, optimistic Thankfulness thing, but it worked. Made a cup of coffee for my travel mug and cracked open the book I’m reading (On the Road by Jack Kerouac-- ever since my cousin lent it to me, everyone around me has been bringing it up! So weird), and felt great heading to school.

...I was also worried about my refugee class. I don’t know why. ..okay, that’s dumb, I do, it’s mostly because it hasn’t happened in nearly a month due to exams cancelling classes and vacations. It’s also one of the few things I do here that requires preparation and leadership completely of my own. But at least my good mood at work today and a few worksheets I found that we can use made me feel more prepared and directed about what we’ll be focusing on tomorrow-- conjugation skills that they’ll need throughout their career at this school. Which is, after, the goal of the course: to set them on track to graduate from a German secondary school, which includes English grades, a subject in which they don’t have comparable experience to their German peers.

...I was worried about seeing certain colleagues and feeling unwelcome/judged/looked down upon/unappreciated (which is something I probably really should not feel). Instead, I had a great first hour with 9th graders, emphasizing speaking skills by talking about their favorite cities; afterwards, a colleague who is close friends with a problematic person in my life here-- someone who made the beginning of this experience very hard for me-- reached out to me for support in a 6th grade English lesson she had to sub for. This was a big deal for me, because I spent a lot of time assuming whoever was close to that problematic person doesn’t like me (also probably something I dwelled on for far too long). Anyways, she thanked me profusely for being willing to help, and we complained together about the chaos of the new post-Ferien schedule (which, by the way, is the main vehicle of bonding between colleagues here, I’ve noticed... complaining). We even bumped into a different close friend of problematic person, who cheerily complained with us about the unrealistic expectations of the oral exam for the 6th graders. It gives me hope that my relationship with this problematic person herself won’t be as bad as it was before. (Which is actually really huge for me, but I’m trying to play it cool.)

Before leaving today, as I was packing my things up in a teacher’s lounge, I had a lovely encounter with a different colleague. An older lady who came back to work halfway through the year due to her cancer treatments. We don’t chat often, but when we do, I appreciate the genuine connection that’s there. We talked about what I want to do post-Fulbright, and music came up. Long story short, we’re carpooling together to her choir rehearsal in a suburb tonight. :-) Yes.

Even more reasons to be thankful.

P.S.-- Can’t decide yet how I feel about On the Road. I had three people whose opinion I trust tell me it was possibly the best book I ever read (before I started it), which is hella high praise, yet I had one (Chris lol) who said it was just some beatnik hipster writing as if no one understood his art because he’s that deep and all that jazz. Slowly forming my own opinion as the pages turn P.P.S.-- I’m going to be a bridesmaid this summer, and our dress code is “anything you want, as long as it’s black.” I found a dress for 12 euro at H&M and it’s gorgeous.

tfw when

you tell yourself you’re not falling behind or messing up or being lazy or falling off course when you make a decision to take time off post fellowship pre grad school

(ngl I have romanticized expectations for that coffee shop and/or nonprofit I plan on working for. and imma force them to come true. that’s my specialty)

Do you believe it, if she says he’s a changed man?

After years of the same thing, his own running away from himself and life (though there’s nowhere to go-- he was literally running to nowhere), how do you let yourself believe it? Where is the line again?

Having compassion on him is a monumental decision. If this happens, and works, it will be closure. Closure for some of the biggest issues of my adolescence. And what a chance that is! What a glorious, sparkling, hopeful, life-changing chance this idea compassion provides us with.

This chance, despite the end result-- the chance itself-- is opportunity. That which sees, tastes, touches a solution. Acting and reacting like a hopeful and compassionate adult. Earth shattering.

Having (choosing?) to act with compassion towards someone who needs it-- realising HE NEEDS YOUR HELP somehow, when instead you could turn a blind eye... Turning a blind eye is what caused all of this in the first place. Your own problems, familial problems, family’s familial problems...

To not turn a blind eye. To act righteously if you have the chance. Why is this even a question? Why do we become broken to the point where we don’t utilize the rich fullness of this life’s potential, actualized apparently, possibly, only by compassion?

bliss

eating banana/egg pancakes and job searching

although you have no plan, feeling like you’re gonna slay

listening to the alabama shakes

grief

Ethics are two dimensional in the classroom. Issues in Contemporary Ethics, it was called. People should do x. In this situation; y is objectively "correct.” Satisfying.

Even the tricky ones had a solution. It became invigorating, therapeutic to find it. There was a sacred process-- a steady journey, a formula-- which sifted through and considered and categorized our muddled human affairs at a safe distance.

in my fantasy I can take this tragedy to the classroom and ask my questions there.

What is to be done when a man (a husband, a father) (maybe your father) performs his ritual and subsequently an insignificant yet so, incomprehensibly significant action (the quickness of the action reminiscent of the quickness of his dismissals)--

What is to be thought, felt, and done by those around him. What is correct? Does Peter Singer have an idea? Class?

What does it mean when you resolve to fly across an ocean, etc to see him and everyone and become entangled, and after you get to the airport and the highway and the hospital entrance and elevator and hallway and doorway, your legs and body tremble in a way for the first time in years as you don’t even yet cognitively realize you ARE TO FEEL everything, the fear and grief and shock that had been stifled in the midst of it all (all of it, really) and you can’t even walk in the room, you just can’t, it seems you need a minute, you can’t move.

When your anger, once fresh, enters a dance with sympathy and null, maybe learned detachedness, seemingly on their own right under your nose, what is that called? Surely there must be a word for it: I felt it, I am a person, therefore it is felt by people. So what is the word? Class?

me, entering teacher lounge consisting of 2 colleagues

silence, staring at each other for more than 4 seconds

me: ...hallo?

colleague 1: hallo.

colleague 2: hallo.

me:

colleague 1:

colleague 2:

me: so... was macht ihr? (so.... what’re ya doin?)

colleague 2: 

colleague 1: wir üben unsere Wahrnehmung. (we’re exercising our sense of perception.)

does it ever. just. spontaneously hit you that the current administration is actively trying to gaslight the entire country.