getfitbodyandmind-blog
Getting fit - body and mind
This is my journey to losing weight, getting healthier and regaining my self-esteem.
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It may all soon be over
This has been one of the most stressful months of my life. When they say selling/buying a home is equal in stress levels to planning a funeral - they’re right. I’ve now done both and frankly, the funerals were easier.
It’s been exhausting.
Not only the looking for a house - which was 4 weeks and 22 houses - but the selling the condo was 1,000 times worse! Living here like I didn’t live here, was my worst nightmare. It was like living in a plastic bubble. And every day that went by and I didn’t get an offer on the condo, my stress level would rise. I’d do math constantly to try to figure out how I was going to afford anything if I didn’t sell the condo by close of the house.
Where was I going to get all that money? How was I going to pay my taxes and the fees that come with buying a house? I’d cripple myself with debt and have to use every cent I’d been saving - bonds, mutual funds, my retirement money - and then still get deeper in debt.
What a fucking nightmare this has been.
And then last night we finally signed a deal. It doesn’t clear until midnight on Tuesday but just knowing it’s finally there - emailing the papers to my lawyer - it is like a load has been lifted.
If it falls through in the next 48 hours I will be devastated.
But hopefully it won’t and now I can start thinking positively about the move. I even picked out a paint swatch for the colour I want to do my bedroom. I should make plans to go and visit my new home soon so I can measure a few things and get back into being excited about taking this huge step in my life.
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Anxiety
I want to talk a little about suffering from anxiety.
It’s been very obvious to me for at least the last decade that I suffer from anxiety. It’s something that I probably have had in some form or another all my life.
As a child I was always a worrier. I’d stress out constantly that I was in trouble or that I’d done something wrong. I’d physically make myself sick over it. I remember my mother walking into my room asking me why I was still awake hours after bedtime and I’d tell her I was “thinking about life.” And she’s tell me not to worry so much and give me a hug and kiss my forehead.
Then I discovered booze and drugs in my teens and created a “who gives a shit” persona that mapped the large portion of the next decade and a half of my life. I tried not to worry about anything. I stopped seeing consequences for my actions. I just blew everything off. The results of this ended up in terrible grades at school and found me taking meaningless jobs I had no attachment to at all.
Then something changed. I think it was while living with my ex, going to school and trying to get a job I cared about, I realized that person wasn’t me anymore. I did give a shit. I gave a lot of shits about everything.
The persona had evolved into a general apathy for everything around me and I just couldn’t live like that. So I decided to change. To go back to a person who has passion for things and people. Unfortunately this also ended up meaning I went right back into anxiety.
Through most of my 30s I tried to drink it away but I’ve come to the conclusion that doesn’t work - what a shock there. Last year I spoke with my doctor who asked if I’d be interested in medical marijuana. I told him we’d put in a pin in it. I thought about diet and exercise - going back to yoga and being a vegan (one of those things has happened but it doesn’t seem to have changed things too much).
I get anxious about really strange things too. Not just going out, meeting new people, crowds, work stress etc. The latest thing I’ve been feeling anxious about is going home. Like the daily ritual of going home after work. That’s stressing me out.
I can feel it when I walk down the street. I start to worry about what I’m going to do when I get home. Will I have time to make dinner? Should I do something productive? Is there something on TV I don’t know about that I might like? What if I just don’t do anything? Why can’t I think of something more productive to do? Should I join a club? Maybe I should go to the pub and have dinner, but I’m trying to save money. What if that cute bartender is there? Should I talk to him? Maybe tonight would be the night I finally ask him if he wants to go for a drink. What if I’m missing that? Do I have enough food in the fridge to make dinner?
Those are just some of the questions I ask myself LITERALLY every night on the way home from work.
One of the last things I thought about tonight as I entered my building was - why don’t you log back into tumblr and write a post about your anxiety. That’s something to do.
It’s frustrating to have anxiety. I feel like my thoughts just steamroll over rational thought.
It’s terrible for dating too.
The other weekend I gave my phone number to a strange guy and I got so anxious about the idea of waiting to hear back from him.
My anxiety has made me a control freak, that’s for sure. Everything has to be on my time line so I don’t spend weeks working myself up into a frenzy.
It’s because I can’t control my anxiety.
It’s hard to live with. Like really hard.
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Back from LA, back on track
The week in LA was both exhausting and rejuvenating. The convention went well. We met a bunch of cool people and handed out business cards like candy. The down side was that my eating habits were terrible. During the day I’d bring a sandwich I made at home to the convention - which was good of course - but at night it was just a disaster. I went to parties where there was hardly anything I could eat so when they had one vegan option I would shovel it down. And there was booze. Lots and lots of booze.
But I’m back in the city and back on track. I did a big grocery shopping this afternoon and cooked myself a lovely dinner. I even did a 40 minute workout.
It was good. I feel better. My shoulder is still bothering me. I’m considering going to the doctor and seeing what he has to say. Maybe I did something to it.
One thing’s for sure - sleeping on the couch isn’t helping it. I crashed there last night after coming home and woke up about an hour later in absolute agony. No more couch sleeping for me for a while.
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The marrying kind
The other day a homeless/drug addicted man walked up to me on the street and began a two block stroll where he sang to me, told me jokes and had a generally flattering conversation filled with charm to induce me to give him money.
At one point in the conversation he said he wanted to walk with me so he could “marinate in my beauty.” Then a very pretty girl walked by and he turned to me and said “She’s hot. But she’s the dating type. You’re the marrying kind.”
And I wanted to stop in my tracks and ask him if I was on some kind of candid camera. Like I was on the Truman Show.
When I was 17 I got my first boyfriend. His name was Greg. We had been friends for at least 2 years before we started dating. One night we were hanging out and he told me “You’re not the type of girl men date, you’re the kind they marry.” To which I reminded him that we were currently dating so what did that say?
It was a statement that ended up haunting me for decades and has been repeated, without provocation, by several other men in my life.
What are they odds they’re all reading from the same script? What are the odds they all thought of this one sentence to say to me at random?
You’re not the kind of woman to date, you’re the kind to marry.
The irony of this all is that I’m 40. I’ve dated a few men and only one has asked me to marry him, but I have never been married.
So what does it mean? Why do they all say it? It’s been years and I’ve still never figured it out.
I asked a male friend once and he said it was supposed to be a compliment. I still don’t get it.
In order to marry me, they have to date me. They have to. I don’t get handed over with a sack of grain and a handshake from my father. I deserve to be romanced as much as any other woman. I love being romanced. I need to be wooed.
It may not be conventional wooing but it needs to happen none the less. I have dated men who have adored the fact that they feel comfortable with me - another common phrase I get - but every time they tell me that, it always makes me realize how uncomfortable I am with them. How disconnected I feel because there’s been no romance, no dating. That’s great that they feel like they can really be themselves around me. Except they’ve usually done nothing to make me feel the same way.
But that’s another story all together
It’s just such a strange thing that this phrase should haunt me even to this day.
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Trigger
A friend of mine and I were talking a few weeks back about triggers and she said what I’ve been thinking a lot lately - we are triggers for each other.
From the start, when her and I got together, we would kind of test the boundaries of how far we would go with drinking and eating. Should we have another glass of wine? How about another bottle? I know we shouldn’t order another plate of fries but I kind of want to ... okay let’s do it.
Etc.
On the flip side, when one is in get healthy mode, the other is usually over the top encouraging. Until we’re not.
It’s funny how this has all developed. I don’t even know why.
The problem is how do we overcome this? Can we get over this strange pushing each other over the edge and just be regular friends? I don’t know.
I’ve always been a bit of a bad girl. I like to do bad things. I can’t deny it. But I’ve been trying really hard to change that in the last 3 months. Turn my life around. A part of that is saying no and respecting myself enough to not walk down that path of destruction.
Last night a group of us all went out for dinner and my inner voice wanted so badly to make terrible decisions. But I didn’t. I ordered the one thing I wanted to get and I had water with it. And guess what? Nothing changed. It was still a nice evening. We watched baseball and talked and then I walked home not feeling drunk or full.
This morning I stepped on the scale and found I was down 2 pounds - so that was good news.
My goal is still to be down 12 pounds by the time I set foot in Los Angeles 6 weeks from now. I just have to focus.
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One of my favourite things to do in the city is walk around and take pictures of street art. So in an effort to teach myself video editing I made this video last night. I think it’s kinda pretty :)
#toronto#streetart#graffiti#graffittiart#citylife#downtown#downtownlife#cabbagetown#parkdale#riverdale#torontolife#tdot#the6ix#the6#views from the 6
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Let off some steam Bennett
Man, I didn’t realize how much I needed to let of some steam. I mean I knew I was stressed but this weekend I just let loose.
I went to a party on Friday night and laughed and had a few drinks and danced a little and just tried to really get the last few weeks out of my system.
Because I have been stressed. Like really, really stressed.
All this week, even when I was just sitting on the couch or at my desk at work, I could literally feel the stress in my body. It felt like electricity. I was twitchy. I was sore. I couldn’t concentrate. Everything was pushing me to the edge.
It’s just been so much and this weekend has been packed with things to do. Two parties, 2 baseball games, dinner with family, recording the podcast. It’s just been nuts.
So yesterday, I just gave myself a total day off. I did a little day drinking at the baseball game. Then I went to one of my favourite restaurants for a friend’s 45th birthday and I ate really well and I drank a bit more, and I laughed and laughed and laughed. And I’m sure I said stupid things but I didn’t care. I was having such a good time.
And I realized as I walked home, it had been a long time since I’d smiled that much all weekend. It felt so good.
Today I got up, physically exhausted, slightly hung over but completely relieved. I just feel good. I finished booking my trip to Los Angeles, I’m all dressed and ready to head to the Jays game with my Dad. Then we’re visiting my grandmother in the hospital and having dinner with my Aunt and then hopefully, after all that, I’ll come home, climb into bed and have a really great sleep :)
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I don’t tolerate your intolerance
Thanks to the exciting world of Google, the mystery of my alcohol allergy has been solved. I’m alcohol intolerant.
What is that you ask?
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alcohol-intolerance/basics/definition/con-20034907
I’ve always had a flushed face when drinking. I get really red. Over the last 5 years I’ve noticed how stuffed up I get. It’s so annoying.
Apparently alcohol intolerance is often incorrectly believed to be an allergy. The only cure - don’t drink alcohol.
So there it is. Mystery solved. No more drinking for me.
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LA is A Go
My trip to LA is officially on so I’m back on track. My goal is to be down 20 pounds by the time I step on that scale.
I’m also thinking about giving up fake meat for a while - or at least trying to make my own. I mean part of the reason why I decided to go vegan was that I was excited to eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. Not just the same old stuff in a new form.
Tonight I made a Mexican rice bowl. I wanted to take a picture of it to accompany this post but I ate it too fast lol.
Basically it was brown rice, black beans, homemade salsa, strips of orange pepper and avocado.
Talk about yum!
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Every Friday at work is Pizza Friday. Since becoming a vegan I’ve been completely left out. So this week I decided to pick up my own frozen vegan pizza.
So I tried this!
It was like $12 at the store.
How was it?
Terrible. Just terrible.
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Tough Week
It’s been a tough week. A lot of family stuff happened this week and it’s been stressing me out.
I need to get through tomorrow. And then the next day. And then I’ll just worry about that day when I get to it.
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Two Months
Today marks 2 months since I decided to go vegan. It’s also been 2 months since I stopped drinking pop. Both have been such huge changes in my life.
Both for the good.
Congratulations to me :)
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Happy Anniversary
Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of this blog. I honestly can't believe it’s been 5 years.
And I have to say, in all the 5 years I’ve been doing this, I’ve never felt more positive about the direction my life was going than I have now.
I don’t know if it’s turning 40 or becoming a vegan or finally getting the courage to say I’ve had enough and things need to change - but I feel really good about things.
I was speaking with my Aunt on the phone yesterday and she mentioned too that it’s been a really long time since she’s so many consistently positive conversations with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still struggling and stressed out a lot, but I’m trying to deal with it in a new, a positive way.
Like this week I was getting really overwhelmed by things at work and this trip I’m planning for June and the idea of moving and my Dad having to go in for surgery this week. It’s just bombarded me.
Before I left the office on Friday all I kept thinking about was going home and having a couple beers and just wishing it all away. As I walked home I had quite the battle in my mind about how this night was going to lay out. A part of me knew that if I picked sitting on the couch and drinking alone it was going to set me back weeks and I was going to wake up the next day hating myself. And nothing was going to be different. This isn’t news to me but in the past that little voice that says “yeah but it’ll be fun. And you’ll feel better this time I swear” usually wins.
But this time it didn’t. I said to myself - find a real solution to all this. Go home. Make yourself a nice dinner. And find a solution to at least one of these problems.
And that’s just what I did... for the most part. My dinner ended up being a peanut butter sandwich lol. But it was good. I watched a little television. I texted a good friend about some of the issues I’ve been having and she gave me some good advice. Then I went to bed and when I woke up on Saturday it wasn’t a bad day. I didn’t feel terrible. I got up, went to record my show. Talked to the guys about our trip in June and expressed some of the stress I’ve been feeling about things. Went for a nice walk.
Last night I’d planned on staying in but I went to a bar/restaurant down the street. The bar had an obviously single side and an obviously relationship side. I was sitting with my friend and his boyfriend and I couldn’t help but thinking - this isn’t changing anything. I wanted to be in that single side. I wanted to be standing and talking loud and listening to music and meeting new people. Meeting a nice man and having a good chat.
When I came home I texted my friend Ken about the incident and he really made it click in my head - I need to do single things. For some stupid reason I’ve felt really unworthy of doing single things in the past. Maybe not unworthy but that I was betraying my couple friends by being single. But I am single! I have been for a very long time. I don’t belong in relationship world. In my head I want to be with other single people doing single things. And I’m tired of seeing it as a bad thing. I need to embrace it.
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BYOF
One thing I learned this week is that when I’m invited to a house party, I now have to bring my own food. OR eat something before hand.
We had a girls night on Tuesday and the only food that didn’t have cheese on it was the chips and salsa. So that’s what I ate all night while everyone else had brie and crackers, pizza, dip, etc.
To make matters worse, I accidentally got a little second hand smoke high so I started getting a bit of the munchies. You know what doesn’t get rid of the munchies? Carrot sticks.
So next time I’m bringing my own stuff.
I can’t believe that as of tomorrow I will be 2 months meat free. I’m still feeling really good about it. I still enjoy finding new and interesting meals to cook. This week I made tacos again. They’re so easy. This weekend I think I’m going to make some sort of vegetable casserole. Perhaps something with eggplant.
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LA Math
One of my “resolutions” this year is to get into a specific dress. My hope was that I’d be able to get into it by my trip to Los Angeles in June.
Sadly, with my 3 week off injury issue, it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. The good thing about this is that it’s still absolutely an attainable goal. The end date might just change to my birthday. So now I know what I’ll be wearing for my birthday this year.
I did the math and with losing roughly 2 pounds a week, I can still be down 20 pounds by Los Angeles. That’s great! That brings me to a very positive weight where I will be wearing smaller jeans and will be a little less tired by three full days of walking around a convention floor.
Yay!
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Meatless Easter
Made it through my first meatless family holiday. It went ... okay. I got a few snarky remarks from my Dad’s girlfriend when she asked what I buy when I go grocery shopping now. Which is a strange question because I’m about 99% sure she didn’t know what I would get at the grocery store before this.
It’s funny what people get snarky about.
I brought that vegan cake and I think it went over well. I was able to take a lot home with me which means dessert for the rest of the week.
So all in all it was good. I’m not completely sure the roasted potatoes didn’t have some kind of butter on it but I think because my Dad is lactose intolerant, hopefully they avoided putting butter on everything. But who knows.
Now life is back to normal.
I have tomorrow off which will be really nice. I want to find something cool to make for the week. I’ll have to peruse the cookbook tonight and find something that looks delightful :)
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Beating a dead horse
Sometimes I wonder if everything has to be so hard. I find myself in many situations lately where I feel like I’m the only one who gives a toss about anything. And getting even a little bit of help is like pulling teeth. It’s exhausting.
I fantasize what it must be like to be surrounded by likeminded people who all have the same goal. And we all work together successfully. I honestly can't even imagine what it must be like.
And then a part of me says - why are you bothering? Why don’t you just not give a toss either? Be apathetic too and just live in a world where nothing matters.
But I can’t help having this passion. I want things to succeed. I want to be better than I am. I want to make things the best they can be.
But doing it on my own is exhausting. And I feel like I keep having the same conversations over and over again and nothing gets better. Like I’m beating a dead horse.
A friend and I were talking tonight and I said - what if I just left and tried to do it on my own. What if I did that? What if I just said - NOPE, no longer will I play the waiting game. It’s terrifying because it means I’m still doing things on my own. But the only one I’d have to blame for the failure is me.
Frankly, right now, I’d rather know it couldn’t get any further than want to pull my hair out wondering what could be.
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