georgiaatwarr
Yellow Bag Mouse
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I do love how Crowley and Aziraphale really don't understand attraction or romance etc, and are just guessing based on media. It really is the aroace experience.
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Aro Week 2024: Let's Talk About the Limits of Representation
A lot of the discussion around writing marginalized identities comes down to one thing: representation. Representation in the books versus the authors, what the representation looks like, the variety of representation, what representation is present and allowed, what diversity is there and what isn’t.
For aro week, I want to talk about how limited that is for aro (and ace) people. Because the thing about representation is that to be exist beyond Word of God, it’s got to be discussed in the text. And that means romance (or sex, for ace people, but while I’m ace, and most of this is going to cross-apply, this post is for aro week so this is just a global note) has to be discussed in the text.
But a lot of time what I want as an aro person is to just not have to think about it. I think in general I’ve seen similar sentiments expressed across marginalized groups: we always have to think about our differences, and it’s a mental load and burden that other people don’t have to deal with. And as an aro writer and reader, a lot of the time what I want, and what most allows me to lay down that burden is to just not have romance in the damn thing. It’s hard to figure out how to write sometimes, it’s something I have to mentally keep in mind while I read.
While I go through life in general, I often just…forget it’s a thing. I forget when Valentine’s Day is often. I forget that people are normally dating. I forget people want to discuss with their romantic partners when making plans with friends. I forget they want to go everywhere as a group. I forget things look like dates. My life is one in which romance is rarely a factor unless imposed on it by outside forces. It’s not relevant.
But if I write that for characters, or for readers, a place where romance is not just imposed on their mind, the characters aren’t actually…aro. A story in which romance, romantic attraction, or interest in such things never comes up is one in which no character is canonically disinterested in or not in possession of such thing. It’s one which has no moments of obvious recognition of the aro experience or joyous bursts.
It’s a story in which, “Eh, they could or couldn’t be attracted. It never came up, so anything is valid because nothing is canon.”
The definition of being aro might lie in not experiencing romantic attraction. And sure, the character might not. But this is fiction. Not reality. And in reality, aro people’s experiences are more than the dictionary. People have relationships to romance and attraction and interactions with the concept are often recognizable and definitional. No real person can live without interacting with romance and attraction, and those relationships to it are as definitional and important to being aro or being gay or being straight or bi or whatever as the dictionary definition is.
Characters don’t have to interact with it. I’ve said romance isn’t relevant to my life as an aro person much of the time. If romance isn’t relevant to a character’s story—well, lots of things aren’t relevant to stories we assume are happening, like…most bathroom trips, or meals, or menstruation. A character isn’t representing an eating disorder because they’re never shown eating: it’s more complicated than that.
Being aro is more complicated than that.
A story in which character relationships wholly rely on and depend on something other than romance, a story where character relationships are undefinable and not attempted to be defined but only described and developed, a story in which characters and societies and people exist outside the omnipresent framework of romance inherently comes from a place of aroness and the aro experience. It speaks most to that place.
Most people who experience romantic attraction are often thinking about it. A story without such things is one which is lacking something they’re looking for and expecting, not a story where everything proceeds as usual without being interrupted by Oh, Yeah, That.
So, then, if alloromantic people will notice something is Different and aro people might seek it out, this way of writing around romance because it’s not relevant to the story the way it is not relevant to my life needs to be framed in the metatext so people, aro and alloro alike, know what to expect and what they’re getting into.
But when all talk about marginalized stories comes down to “What Types of Characters Are Here?” and “What Culture Is This World Based On?” there’s this empty space to explain stories like mine.
There’s so many things to the aro experience that don’t revolve around rejecting romance. But if you ever look for an aro story about something else, how can you even find it? It’s so difficult to talk about an aro story that isn’t Representative and exists in a way you don’t even have to think about it and there are no smooth bumps to remind you of yourself so you can immerse into it that…I think people forget stories like that can even exist.
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the aromantic desire to share a house with a group of close-knit friends and go on little adventures together
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beautifully said. 💜
original
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Video description: A TikTok that starts with an on-the-street interviewer, which is then stitched by a Black man standing in his yard with grilling stuff behind him. He has short natural hair, glasses, and is wearing a dinosaur button up. Username @/sciencewithtyus
Subtitle transcript (thank you @ace-bard3-paladin1):
Woman: Do you have any advice for straight men?
Man: Hi ace man here. I actually do have some advice for straight men -- don't mind me I'm just outside, I'm getting the grill warmed up -- But yeah I have some things I think I can contribute to this conversation.
Now, you might be wondering to yourself "what could an ace person possibly contribute to this conversation?" But in a similar way in which women understand the patriarchy in the way they're subjugated under it more than men do, in the way that Black people understand whiteness more than white people can perceive it as a construct and how it's been manipulated in a way to impose forms of power on a systematic level, ace people often have to unpack and disentange the way that what desire and sex means in society -- and the way that often it can be compulsory in a way that it is assumed that we're all supposed to participate in it. So that's really important to think about what we're going forward in this conversation.
I first want to say that I think it's unfortunate because I feel like a lot of men have been sold this lie through western media -- television and even some forms of even literature -- that the quality of men's lives are not of any value -- of any substance -- unless it's on the condition of having some sort of romantic partner, or an individual of like, of substantial attractiveness. Which I feel like actually hurts a lot of people in the long term.
I find one of the major problems with advice that is given to straight men -- and many other men around the world -- is that it's given under the expectation that it will accumulate or accrue some form of social capital, and I find that that's incredibly dangerous for a lot of people out there, when it comes to this idea that you should do something only because it's advantageous -- but rather than the fact that you enjoy doing it.
You hear a lot of guys in, like, men's advice columns or podcasting "women love guys that do interesting things" and I'm sure there's definitely a sense of accuracy to that. But here's the question, though: is that like -- do you find that interesting yourself? Do the things that give you joy, and you will attract the people around you in proximity to the things that you share common interest with.
Don't take ceramics because you're trying to find your future partner, take ceramics because you think it'll be an interesting class that you maybe will end up actually enjoying for a long period of your life.
So aside from the basics that I feel generally benefits a lot of men -- like have decent hygiene, decent self maintenance -- you know maybe have a hobby, one or two -- once again it's not a competition, do it because you like it.
There's often one that I feel like is left out in this conversation, and that's like, live a life of substance, live a life for yourself, live for yourself. Not for other people, or in the hope of doing something in an expectation of getting something out [of] it. Do it because you like doing it, and radiate that joy.
I also think, because of the way toxic masculinity is internalized in a lot of straight men, in the way I think loneliness plagues a lot of men, you have a lot of people out there who restrain themselves from doing things that they would actually enjoy, under the perception of the fact that they are alone, and that something's wrong with them, or that they're lacking in their life. If you wanna do something, do it. Don't be afraid to do it by yourself. You wanna go to that concert? Go by yourself. You wanna take yourself out for dinner? Take yourself out for dinner. Live for yourself!
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i live with two friends who will soon be married, and the three of us intend to eventually buy a house together. when i discussed this with her, my mother said to me, "are they ever going to want their own place?"
and it's a fair question, right? the "normal" thing for a married couple to do is to establish a nuclear family unit, apart from other family and friends. and her instinct is to look out for me, and make sure i am not walking into financial agreements that are untenable.
but that's the tendency allo people, particularly cishet people, have: their first thought is always, aren't they going to get rid of you? won't they leave you? won't everyone?
and they don't see the hurt it causes. because it's what they'd do, so what?
that's the subtle manifestation of arophobia. if your worth is defined by your romantic prospects, then you're worthless on your own. someone else will always come first, surely. you're lacking in some universal truth, and everyone can see it. marriage is forever and divorce equals failure and friendship, well, it isn’t something you ought to negotiate.
and why wouldn't we have talked about it?
it's times like these when i cling to the phrase (subject to change). there is no permanent state of the self, no guarantees that life will go one way or another, no use in striving for permanence in a world that's constantly changing faster and faster every day. i won't make myself smaller, couch-surf through people's lives living out of an emotional suitcase, just because they may leave me one day. and why should i? forever is (subject to change).
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a fun fact that people may not know about me is that i’m regular about media. i’m so normal about things i enjoy. i never ever get weird or obsessive about them and I consume and enjoy them completely normally. also im a fucking liar
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elected fic of the year
bared fangs by sapphicjasper
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actually you have a mama's boy and then you have whatever the hell percy jackson is because that kid PRAYED to his MOM instead of his father who's an actual god .
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i'm so sorry to say but i'm thinking about my iwbft sequel again
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Update: it’s wholesome and good and while having multiple jump scare- like moments of almost-romance and misleading us it is really not like that.
You should go watch it!!
(Romance IS cancelled)
Hi! I just started randomly watching the movie Spinster (because I finished writing an essay and couldn’t fall asleep) which interested me both because of the lead actress and the title. And I just had to let out some initial thoughts.
I’ve only seen the beginning scene but the stakes are high because it could very well become my new favourite movie of all time or be the worst most painful thing ever.
As it opened with this terror (cw aphobia)
Immediately followed by the hopefully response of
Don’t spoil anything (but also kindly warn me now if this will be a dumb “cynical woman learns about the power of love” type of story.)
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Het dad just said he is concerned and he just wants her to be happy. To which she replied “well, maybe I am happy.” It’s looking so good.
Hi! I just started randomly watching the movie Spinster (because I finished writing an essay and couldn’t fall asleep) which interested me both because of the lead actress and the title. And I just had to let out some initial thoughts.
I’ve only seen the beginning scene but the stakes are high because it could very well become my new favourite movie of all time or be the worst most painful thing ever.
As it opened with this terror (cw aphobia)
Immediately followed by the hopefully response of
Don’t spoil anything (but also kindly warn me now if this will be a dumb “cynical woman learns about the power of love” type of story.)
113 notes
·
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Text
Hi! I just started randomly watching the movie Spinster (because I finished writing an essay and couldn’t fall asleep) which interested me both because of the lead actress and the title. And I just had to let out some initial thoughts.
I’ve only seen the beginning scene but the stakes are high because it could very well become my new favourite movie of all time or be the worst most painful thing ever.
As it opened with this terror (cw aphobia)
Immediately followed by the hopefully response of
Don’t spoil anything (but also kindly warn me now if this will be a dumb “cynical woman learns about the power of love” type of story.)
113 notes
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Text
when people are like "i didn't come here to make friends" i'm like thats sooooo unrelatable. i am always on the look out for some girl friends. I would be in that hunger games cornucopia like "your ex boyfriend did WHAT."
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