Life.exe

For most of my life I was obsessed with the “class clown” figure on tv. I thought making other people laugh was great and just generally would be good for everyone. I assumed the kinda stuff I saw people do (with the laugh tracks and shit) would make other laugh as well. Completely wrong. I’d dance on chairs, make cringy jokes, and stupid remarks that annoyed everyone. Because of this I got a shit ton of embarrassing moments that made me want to not talk to people. Eventually I managed to settle on reading books almost exclusively instead of social contact. Honestly if it weren’t for the fact that people have forcefully befriended me I would be that same way. I still think it would be better than this because with other people I get obsessed over the most stupidly small things that no one would care about and feel like shit because of it. With books I can ignore reality and barely feel like I exist, which really isn’t a bad thing in a sense. (I don’t mean that in an edgy way, I think/hope?)  I think it all got worse when I started getting bullied. Around 1st-3rd grade-ish area I had two homeroom teachers (the kind where you stayed with them the entire day or so) that would bully me. I’d try to be nice to them and they’d act like an asshole to me. I messed up colors because I’m colorblind (something I didn’t figure out until several years later) and they’d make fun of me. One of my teachers that was an asshole to me after I realized I was colorblind told me “Really because my husband is colorblind and he doesn’t get those mixed up” which caused me to doubt myself even more. She would punish me for reading or having my head too close to my desk when some kids would be sleeping or talking in the class. Because of the class clown shit that I used to do, many times I feel like I’m just lying to myself about stuff and doing it for attention even though I refuse to tell anyone because I don’t want anyone to know. My sister would treat my brother and I like slaves growing up and would take pleasure in fucking with us, like she’d pay us to do something like walking a few miles (when we were around 8-ish) with her and then refuse to pay up and also forced us to talk more because we couldn’t keep up with her fast pace. Making fun of us during the time. My mother has also done some questionable, but not outright tormenting, shit and I grew up without a father. Due to all of this I have a massive distrust of other people and don’t like meeting new people, feeling uncomfortable when one new person joined the group of 4 people I talked to on the daily. Can’t even talk to people at the cash register without stammering because my brain is so stupid. Can’t play sports in gym because I’m so worried of fucking up that I fuck up. So I just walk around the track, hoping to become fit enough to maybe possibly maybe try to get myself to join the track team maybe. Outside my home only walking and reading grant me any real joy. You know, I was raised in the time of boys not being allowed to cry and it’s kind of ingrained into me. Didn’t help that when I did cry as a kid that I was incredibly embarrassed by it and didn’t even know why I was crying. I would literally cry for seemingly no reason and feel like shit about it. Now the only times I can get myself to cry are when I’m being yelled at by authority figures like the principal and I don’t even know why the happens and I can’t control it. Growing up a Christian I always felt like shit whenever I did anything bad, which didn’t help on top of all the other stuff I felt like shit about. I thought about and tried once to kill myself around the age of 10-11ish. Only reason why I’m not dead is because I was too weak to do it and I felt guilty over thinking about how others would feel because I died. I have successfully managed to fuck all family relations I have aside from my cousins and aunt, who are just about the only things I can say help me completely lose track of time and forget everything. Around them I can honestly say I feel happy most of the time. Because of my bullying and distrust of others I’d like to think that is how I became very analytical and focused on being rational. Which really fucked me up when I started feeling like shit because I thought I had been able to shut everything out. Honestly I still feel kinda guilty over the idea of killing myself, but because of stuff that’s happened over the last few years, the only thing that’s stopping my is my inability to get myself to do it, the fact that there’s still a few things I want to do, and that one day I want to have kids and raise them properly unlike whatever the mess my childhood was/is. I’ve been learning a lot of psychology and the more I learn the more I regret. It’s helped me realize when I was projecting or doing certain things without realizing it, but over all it’s mainly just made me second guess and doubt myself even more. Not that Psychology is to blame, I’m just a dumb ass. I will probably add more to the story of my stupid life if I feel need to make another post like this. I needed somewhere to, honestly and clearly, state the dumb shit in my brain and get this out there. This is so jumbled up because it came as I remembered it. Hopefully this actually does help like “advertised” and I gain something?

Feeling Down Lately

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been feeling like crap. Kinda how I described the random bouts of shit-feeling-ness, but worse in some ways. I can still get myself to eat, mostly, but I feel pretty devoid of...? I don’t know what the word would be...  Usually when I’m going through my day I’m happy to come home, I watch a few videos, play some games, eat dinner, etc; However for the past few days I just haven’t been interested in anything. I’ll sit at my computer screen and just stare at it thinking of something I want to do. I play or watch random stuff and I get so bored and annoyed. I mean the only thing I’m actually getting anything out of is listening to music. Even then I still feel like I’m wasting my time. I’ve been going to bed earlier at least, maybe that’s a good thing.

I Hate

I hate it when I’m reading stories about other people who’ve been through similar things, but they act or experience it differently, and in my stupid mind it makes me feel like I’m lying to myself and I’ve never really experienced it. 

I hate it when I read stories about people who’ve been through similar things and experience it similarly to me and when stuff happens that’s similar to how they experience it I feel like I’m just copying them for attention or some shit even though I was feeling that way or that was happening to me long before I read about it.

I hate that my family always doted over the fact that “I’m so smart” and how “I can do so much better” all my life and overall just make me feel like a disappointment because I never act the way they say I am. I feel like shit now because of this, because even though they think I’m so good at things, I’m not anymore. That now I’m just a dumbass who’s failing school and doing nothing feeling like shit. Writing about these stupid things instead of actually trying to improve my life.

I hate that when I somehow end up actually trying to improve and fail or just can’t get myself to go through with it. I hate that I’m a failure

2

So lately a lot of shitty stuff has been happening and I’ve kinda just brushed it off and didn’t worry about it. On Friday I sat down in my computer chair after school and started thinking about the week. Almost instantly I started feeling like shit again and was really glad it’s the weekend. Ever since then I’ve kinda just been feeling like shit and I ended up going to sleep at around 4-5pm and waking up at 11. It was pretty refreshing, but still feel like shit. I don’t know...

Feeling like shit

I don’t know why but sometimes I get in a mood where I just feel like garbage. I’ll do stuff I usually enjoy and it doesn’t really affect me. I don’t feel like eating anything if it’s not liquid-y like ice cream or asian foods with soy sauce. Anything thats mostly solid and hot I can’t get myself to eat easily, sometimes I just won’t eat if I feel this way come dinner time. It’s annoying and I hate it. 

1

So as a lot of humans can agree, love is probably a great feeling right? Anyways, I’ve always thought it was cool want to be in a relationship with someone I love one day. At this point I’m not sure if I can even feel it though tbh. Like, the only time I can remember actually feeling what I would best describe as love, was when I was around 3rd grade and I’ve come to doubt if that was even it. I generally don’t like people and push them away so I don’t really know anyone. Point being is that I’m not even really attracted to anyone I know or have seen. Don’t get me wrong, I get the concept of sexual attraction, I mean there’s no one I’ve seen that I’d want to have sex with,  but not really actually love or even really wanting to be with people. 

I don’t know, the human mind is pretty fucking weird I guess. It’s just every now and then I’ll just sit there feeling depressed and like an idiot over stupid over this. I guess one day I’ll probably meet someone I actually like? I’m probably just being dramatic.

This is probably going to be an edgy blog thing.

I debated on having a journal or a blog and I decided on a blog. I wanted to have a place to write my thoughts and stuff, but also sometimes I kinda want to ask people random stuff so this kinda works better than a journal I guess. 

I will post randomly and probably between long periods. May or may not abandon this do to embarrassment caused by nothing other than my stupid brain worrying.