gayas-musings
A peek into my mind
I wander, wonder and question...
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I have had this yearning and nostalgia to turn the clock a decade back and go back to my teenage years. The days when life was great.
Today, I wonder "why?". What is it so bad about the present that I wish the impossible - turn back the time and relive?
What has changed now except for extra academical qualifications behind my name and some life experiences? I am still living in the same house, listening to the same songs. I am the same old me. Besides, I do have a better life now, objectively.
Then what changed?
As we were preparing for our O/L exams, everyone around me pushed me to get "9A's". That became my sole purpose in life. Aiming for the highest. Slowly it became my way of living and thinking. "I want to reach the highest achievement in every endeavour".
I became fixated in the outcome and failing to enjoy the process. Nothing satisfied me anymore.
It is a lie that is fed to children by miserable adults. Sure, there must be goals. A destination we walk towards. But shouldn't we all wander along, Exploring the richness life has to offer and enjoy the walk rather than sweating and stressing about reaching the destination and lose everything along the way?
I believe we all can find the spark and zest we possessed as twinkly eyed children, if we shed the preconcieved societal notions of how life should be.
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2023 for me
"Life is full of surprises" they say. This year for me indeed has been filled with surprises, highs of high, depths of despair and most importantly rash decisions.
I remember this year dawning with me not being able to fall asleep (my insomnia overpowering me) and desperately running to health center begging them to help me.
New hope arouse, I started counselling. I believed that counselling is going to solve all my problems and finally I shall reach my potential.
That definitely didn't go as I planned. I developed a strong limerence towards a senior colleague, which bled into my life and affected every aspect of it.
This limerence followed a fallout with a long term friend. I was not invited to her wedding and the thought of it still gives a pang to my heart.
Also, some wrong moves by my counsellor played a role towards the development of my limerence. Which made me lose trust in her and I had to let go of her.
All this happened within the first two months of this year and I was not making any progress in term of my mental health as well as my academic life.
The thoughts of the object of my limerence - my colleague was taking over my entire mind and my already fragmented concentration power became non existent.
I had to find solution to this. After trying possible healthy methods, including watching countless YouTube videos halfway through about limerence, I resorted to my quick, easy unhealthy fix. That is jumping into dating apps and replacing my limerent object with a new person.
When I broke my resolve of 'never using dating apps again', my sole intention was getting the colleague off my mind and thus better focusing on my studies. This was my final year after all, my only chance at catching up with all the lost work.
Oh! Isn't life a box of chocolates, like Forrest Gump said? My dating app quest landed me on love again!
I found my current partner.
So life became butterflies. Also a volcano with countless arguments and misunderstandings, brewed by my unhealed trauma and insecurities.
Kudos to my love, for sticking through my mess.
My academic life wasn't going great either. My plan of catching up with lost work was not going as I planned (partly due to my new found love and butterflies and partly due to anxiety) and I broke down in a student counsellors office once again.
I remember saying, " I want to give up. I hate this. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want medicine". She calmed me and pumped me with enough juice for me to stick through till the end.
But my rantings continued. I kept telling my partner regarding how much I hate studying medicine. He told me that he'll help me get into something alternative and just to hold on till the end of the degree. This slowly gave me hope. What felt like a dark future started lighting up. Life did not feel like the end of dreams anymore.
One fine day, my first ever boyfriend, whom I want to stay the hell away from at all cost contacted me through a mutual friend's phone. I felt deeply violated by that incident.
It pushed me down a dark spiral. I started questioning all my relationships, everyone I was surrounded by.
In a whim, I changed my phone number and cut off everyone in my circle, except for the ones I had to contact mandatory.
This made me isolated.
Albeit questioning my decision and occasionally contemplating reconnecting with the people I cut off, I find this situation peaceful in a hyper connected world.
The very reason for my self isolation is lack of boundaries and lack of trust in my own decisions. As we all who got wounded would have, I had doubts during the initial stages of my new relationship. I started seeking external validation from my friends, who did not give me what I wanted, pushed me towards the opposite direction.
I wanted to take another chance in love. I did not want to listen to what others said. But I also did not possess the equipment to self validate my decisions and disregard what others said.
Therefore my easy solution was to cut everyone off.
I also did not accept and acknowledge everyone as humans with their own flaws. I was extremely judgemental towards everyone.
Now, I did connect back with some of my old friends. I met up with a classmate who came from Australia. She had to hunt me down to meet me. Even though she was kind towards me, I felt like I want to stay away from her and everyone else. I was being extremely judgemental.
I also attended a old friend's wedding. We met after many years on that day.
Then the ship was sailing steady until a colleague of ours passed away after a month long battle with a rare cancer which only got diagnosed at the last moment.
That shook me. This was the first death of someone I have regularly interacted with. Myriads of existential questions attacked me and I had no answers. All I had was only a profound emotional wisdom that cannot be worded.
We slowly got used to our colleague 'not being in the world anymore'.
I also felt a difference in my mood during this transition, since I started the least stressful, psychiatry appointment.
My mood has been heavy and down for years! I only realized this after the weight upon my heart lifted and I felt lighter.
It was a blissful surprise! I'm haven't felt that in years! I'm still bathing in the glory of not being depressed (because it is quite novel to me)
Just last night my partner made me realize how much I allow the weight of my past drag me behind.
Whenever I feel down, I yearn nostalgically for a past self of mine, "oh.. I wish how I could be that self again!"
And I try hard to become a replica of one of my old selves. It was a vicious cycle. I did not realise that I was trying to travel in the wrong direction.
That wisdom was profound!
This year taught me many such lessons.
I learnt that a romantic relationship is not going to be the magical solution to all my problems. Any relationship is hard to, none is a walk in the park. When two people come together there are always going to be clashes. But it is the effort that makes the reward worthy.
After countless back and forth arguments with myself about trading love for academic excellence, I realized that life must be lived with balance. Trying to abandon one important aspect of life in favour of another will topple life.
I am also processing the fact that moving forward I have to accept people with their flaws, yet, set proper boundaries to safeguard myself.
I am still learning and waking up with new insights about life. I suppose it is never going to end.
Now, I am in a study leave for my finals, the most crucial time in my academic life. I have not utilized my time efficiently till now.
Yet, moving forward, I have not lost hope. I am determined to make the best out of what I have in my hands. I am ready to march forward to 2024 with new hopes, determination and aspirations!
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Illusion of connection
An emptiness, a void vas been there within me for a long time.
There was something missing in my life..
I seeked solace in fiction. I got lost in imaginary worlds. I lived, dreamed and went on adventures with people who don't live in real world, but who were real to me nonetheless.
The void within me did not bother me much. The void that craved authentic connections was satisfied with fiction.
As soon as I finished high school I got sucked into the illusion of connection created by social media. It expanded the existing vacuum within me.
Snippets of other people's lives kept occupying my attention throughout the day. I felt left out, I felt lonely, I felt jealous, I felt a myriad of emotions just by scrolling facebook for 10 mins.
I also started looking into random stranger's lives. Who is married to whom, who broke up with whom and what not.
I tried to live through the snippets of other people's lives.
As the emptiness within me got bigger, I started consuming anything and everything just to numb myself. I lost my spark, and slowly I lost myself.
All I did was wasting my time consuming junk in the social media, losing myself in the process.
Social media gave the illusion of connection. You feel like you know the person but in reality you don't know them at all. It reduced the need for real intimate conversations. Instead we became publishers of our personal lives. We expect our followers to stay updated about our lives through our snippets of publications. This reduced the need for actual conversations.
We lost real connections. Instead we stay isolated in our phones in the mirage of socializing.
Social media also hinders our growth by forcing us to stay connected artificially with people we have grown apart from.
To the older generation social media certainly did serve a purpose. It made them rejoin and rejoice with people they haven't seen in decades.
But it forced us to be bound with people we are better off without. It pulled us from taking that next step socially. And it has become hard to get rid of people we don't want.
Modern technology made it very easy for anybody intrude our lives at any moment.
I guess it was a rant about social media. But I believe suddenly having the freedom to use social media without restrictions played a huge role in shaping my life.
For almost a decade, I have been searching for answers. Trying to close the void inside me to make my life rich.
I am slowly coming to realize that, world of fiction is much more satisfying than pseudo connections provided by modern technology.
Solitude us richer than unauthentic connections.
The void is still there within me. But, I am hoping to shrunk it by rejecting social media as much as possible.
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Your blood pressure was dropping. Your body couldn't cope anymore.
You were loaded with drugs in the hope of holding back your life.
Yet, your body gave up.
Your heart stopped, circulation collapsed. You became a mere shell of what you were once.
What are we? Friends? Collegues? Mere acquaintances?
I have thought of you as "the silent boy". The boy who blends in the background. You were a mystery I never bothered to solve. I haven't felt affection towards you. But I certainly did respect you as my collegue. If I am being honest, I haven't given much thought about you until recent times.
Death, changes the lives of everyone around you. Atleast a little bit.
Your departure certainly has impacted me. I still cannot believe that you are not going to walk amidst us anymore or sit with us in classes.
Your voice rings clearly in my ears, with your distinct accent and modulations.
Pain of your departure, brought into light, how much we are focused in chasing goals, but forget to appreciate the people around us, until they are gone.
The only tribute I can pay for you is cherishing the people around me more before it is too late.
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Different people have different battles. Battles caused by circumstances, physical disabilities, their inner demons...
Mine is sleep.
On January first of this year, I went and criesd to university counsellor that I want to put and end this problem once and forever.
Yet, here I am nine months later, still struggling, not being able to go to bed on time.
I sought to find the root cause of this problem. I wondered where it all began.
I have memories of my childhood, where I have lied in my bed at night, creating imaginary scenarios in my head, talking to imaginary friends, creating alternative lives.
Then there are times, I have lied awake, reading books, immersing myself into the storyline, my imagination vivid with the fictious world, till exhaustion wins, or my head hurts and I couldn't read any longer.
That's how I read Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. I couldn't complete the book that night, hence I had to read the last couple of pages the next day.
Now, thinking of this again, for the 100th time, dawns a realization upon me.
Maybe, this isn't a problem! This is how my body and mind functions!
I am a night person, and I have always been!
I cannot remember a time, I have woken up early in the morning, without an alarm, except when I was to go on a school tour and my system was loaded with adrenaline from all the excitement!
The world is skewed towards morning people. Today's world requires most people to be morning larks. It makes the night owls beat themself up, thinking something is wrong with them.
I think it is easy for night owls to act as morning larks in childhood, giving into the demands of the world.
But as we age, our bodies try to operate naturally in the way that is intended to. Hence, the battle uphill becomes harder and harder with time.
Now for years, I have been trying to reset my sleep cycle to match that of a morning person and I haven't been able to succeed beyond a couple of days.
I fall back to my pattern of staying awake late and then feeling dead the next morning.
The cycle continues over and over again, all the while, I keep beating myself, "what is wrong with me?"
Maybe, there is nothing wrong with me! Maybe, the world is designed in a way that goes against my biology.
For how long can I fight against my biology and genes? And how satisfying is the victory going to be?
Next time, when my body's natural inclination overpowers, I shall remind myself compassionately that there's nothing wrong with myself, and it is just the nature!
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I was 16. I was young, naivé and stupid. I thought I knew everything. I was arguing with my Maths teacher that I was firm with my decision when she requested me to choose mathematics instead of biology in my A/Ls.
I didn't waiver even when my O/L ICT teacher asked me to choose mathematics and IT for my A/Ls, whenever he saw me.
Oh! How much I wish I had listened!
Today, A decade later, 4 months before my final MBBS exam and I am wondering what have I got myself into?!
Since childhood, I was brought up believing I was supposed to become a doctor.
It was a sealed fate. My mother is a dentist and I was supposed to continue the legacy and go up a step in the ladder.
I was brainwashed by everyone around. "Smart kids become doctors"!
"Being a doctor is the best thing in the world", I believed. All the while, I had no idea what being a doctor means.
I had zero idea that it means, practically sleeping in the hospital, having no holidays, no fun in life and being nose deep in my notes and books.
I had zero idea that it means memorizing tons and tons of information day and night. A capacity my brain lacks.
I had zero idea that it means talking to sick people every single day.
The amount of disappointment I faced in med school is unbearable.
I couldn't memorize so much of rote information. My brain didn't possess the ability to just munch up information without understanding the relevance. But that is what needed to shine in med school. You memorize and spit it out. You don't question what's going on. You memorize drugs, diseases, examination techniques, clinical signs, symptoms, everything and anything.
To be a successful doctor you should remember everything out of the top of your brain. You must have sharp observational skills.
I was the opposite of everything. Memorizing is my kryptonite. I am an intuitive person as opposed to detail oriented.
In medicine you go up from collecting the small details. I wanted the big picture first before I can break down the details.
I dislike talking to sick patients, asking about their symptoms.I hate examining patients looking for the hidden signs. I hate everything about medicine.
I struggled and I am still struggling. There were so many sleepless nights wondering what was wrong me. I pushed myself to become better. I pushed myself in everyway possible. I tried 100 different study methods and study hacks hoping something would work.
I have pushed myself already towards the brink of exhaustion.
The only outcome I got is severe anxiety and depression
I don't think it is my fault anymore. Simply I am not built for medicine.
I am stuck with the decision I made at 16. If it is not wise to decide who we are going to marry at 16 then how is it encouraged to decide what we are going to do with the rest of our lives at 16???
Why nobody ever told me what being a doctor means? Why nobody asked me whether it is what I want to do?
There are so many colourful and interesting professions in the world. Why wasn't I allowed or encouraged to explore them? Why was I discouraged when I got interested in something new? Why was I made believe that becoming a doctor is the only way?
I can't and I don't want to live with a stupid decision I made at 16 anymore.
I want out.
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I am tired
I am sick
I need freedom!
I need freedom to open my wings
I need freedom to embrace my trueself
I need freedom to explore life
I need freedom to explore the horizons
I need freedom to make my own choices
I need freedom to dictate my life
I need freedom from social constructs
I need freedom from cultural pressures
I do not want to follow your rules
The rules you have been following generation by generation
Without questioning their validity.
I am sick of being your child.
Just leave me alone!
All I need is FREEDOM
To be myself.
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People who listen are my biggest weakness.
Listening is an art only a very few understand and master.
Most people overvalue their roles in another's life. They overvalue the role their opinions and ideologies play in another's life, where only their silence is needed.
Only a very few, know to provide a safe space for another person to express themself fully and authentically, without judgements.
Most people get busy making calculations, thinking of the next right thing to say, instead of focusing on what's being said.
Most people don't understand the profound value of not interrupting the stream of thoughts, flow of emotions, while someone is expressing their innermost self.
Everyone of us is capable of finding solutions to our own problems.
When someone vents to another, what they expect is not words of wisdom. But, rather to be heard, seen and understood.
I think love and intimacy grows in the beautiful silence that follows, after someone has expressed their innermost self to another and feels completely accepted.
(23.03.2023)
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I am suffocating.
To have everything
Material,
But not possess
The riches of mind
Is a different kind of hell.
Everything that was mine,
Was stolen
My thoughts,
My joys,
My escape.
Never once
Was I allowed
To examine
What gave me joy
What made me one
With the
Flow of time.
"They"
Forced me to
Chase
Everything
They failed to
Materialize.
They
Lived
Vicariously
Through me,
While minimizing me
To a mere puppet.
All that was mine
Were forcefully
Taken away.
Now,
I am stronger
Than the pull
Of their strings,
I am suffocating.
I don't know my moves.
I want me back.
05.03.2023
Gayathiri Velmurugu
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In the wake of another tragic demise
Another student (past) of University of Peradeniya has taken her life.
Even though I tried to ignore and shut out the outer world, this incident kept coming back to me.
Upon inquiring, I realized that this is someone I knew.
While searching as to what caused her to take such a decision, I came to know that her last words contained the following:
Adviced her sister not to use social media
Requested nobody to check on her facebook account
Mentioned that she has a problem but she won't share it with anybody.
The above information shocked me to the core.
My mind started to spin, wondering what might have happened.
My memory box offered me the memory of one and only interaction I had with her.
We were connected via fb and I enjoyed reading her poetry. I reached out to her personally and told that I like her poems and to keep up the great work. She replied saying that she is facing a lot of problems because of her writings and hence she is going to stop.
I told her to ignore the haters and to keep marching forward.
Due to my social media hiatus I lost touch with her after that.
Today I learned that not only did she NOT stop writing, but she also published a book!
Now, I can't stop wondering whether it is her passion that led her to her demise.
As a woman myself, I have had my fair share of dark experiences in social media and that is the primary reason I keep my Fb friend list carefully curated.
I remember, how another talented friend of mine shut down her Fb poetry page because of the "issues" she faced. I believe that this just the tip of an iceberg.
Let our parent's generation blame mobiles phones and social media. I see this as a problem in the society itself.
Isn't social media a reflection of our society itself? But with one tweak ofcourse! It gives all those who do not have guts to harrass and bully people in person, power and security.
Men are pushing wome to take their lives while sitting comfortably in arm chairs.
Why is there such a deep rooted misogyny and hatred toward women amidst men that they can't even let us enjoy a cyber space and do whatever we want to do?
Are men so fragile and so insecure that they are threatened by our poems? Threatened by our pens?
All I have is questions.
But with profound anguish I say this, "I wish the worst possible suffering a deeply painful death upon whoever that pushed her to take her life"
Gayathiri Velmurugu.
(06.12.2022)
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I feel betrayed by Facebook and Instagram
I started using facebook when I was in ninth grade. Back then Fb timeline was called "wall". We poked friends, wrote on each others walls, tagged each other on stupid posts, shared original thoughts in status updates and had conversations in comments. We were silly and we had fun! I still feel nostalgic for those days.
Then, I took a long hiatus from Fb. When I came back everything had changed. Facebook "wall" was no more. Nobody shared their original thoughts. Updating a status saying, "I am having a cup of hot tea" was considered stupid.
I soon caught up with the new rules of Fb and played my game. Yet, it was never the same again. I also opened poetry blogs in Instagram by then. A couple of months after I opened the blogs, Instagram started reducing the organic reach of posts drastically. That was unacceptable. I wasn't blogging for business purposes. It was just a hobby. I wasn't willing to pay money for Instagram to let people read my poems. I transferred my blogs to tumblr and got rid of Instagram.
After a short while, the Presidential election of our country took place and there was a great deal of hate speech and racism circulating out there - especially in Facebook. That pushed me to take another social media hiatus.
I was out of the loop for over an year. During that period I introspected a lot about my social media habits and came to a conclusion that I should be more intentional about my social media usage. I read a lot of books about social media, their effects in our life etc. I came up with a set of rules for me - to use social media, purpose of it.
Finally, I jumped into Facebook and instagram again. This time I wanted to keep my circle small. My sole purpose was self expression and keeping in touch with my school friends. I wanted to feel back the good ol' Fb. I wanted to see original thoughts of my friends.
While it was not entirely possible, I was able to maintain some sort of control over my experience by vigorously utilizing all the privacy options available. Yet, Facebook outsmarted me. It took immense amount of self control to stop myself from watching Fb videos passively.
I was having a faitly good (not the best) social media experience for a couple of months. Then, this happened. Just because I was following a few mental health pages, Instagram started to shove all the mental health related pages down my throat. Fb waa filled with too many inspirational quotes. After a while Instagram was filled with stupid videos with the most annoying background music out there. Both the apps looked like a soup which went bad with all the wrong ingredients!
It was so overwhelming and I deleted both the apps off my phone. I thought it was a "me" thing. Then the internet blew up and I got to know that Fb and Insta are trying to copy Tiktok.
I was appalled. If I wanted Tiktok I would use it. I wouldn't be using Fb / Insta.
Last night I read an article on The NewYorker, titled "Tiktok and the fall of the social media giants" by Cal Newport. It clearly explained how Fb/Insta are primarily built upon social connection in their core and are trying to morph into entertaintment models (just like Tiktok).
It rang a bell. It suddenly made sense as to why I was feeling overwhelmed. I ain't definitely looking for entertaintment when I log into Fb/Insta. I just want to check what's going on and what my friends are upto. I wouldn't mind a little bit of entertaintment here and there, but that is not the main experience I am seeking. I have Netflix for that. What Mark Zuckerberg is doing is utmost manipulation.
Dear Zuckerberg I do not have the "connection" to my friend on Fb/Insta anymore. It has all become "business". I am sick of your cheap tricks.
I don't think I will get back to Fb/Insta ever again.
I shall call and text my friends in the old school way, rather than relying on social media to maintain connection - thanks to Mark Zuckerberg. Thanks to the betrayal.
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Chasing
Chasing is what most of us are doing on a daily basis. That is what we were taught to do from a very small age.
Chasing a good job, higher status, good marks, money, love.. Always aiming for something higher or something we do not have.
Chasing the ghost of nothing..
The chase is endless. We are never content. We always 'want' something.
As a child, nobody told me, "slow down, breath! This is life!". Nobody told me that life is lived moment by moment. Not by aiming for goals, wishing and craving for something we do not have.
These days, I am trying to slow down, breath and let life embrace me, rather than letting it slip by while I am busy being stressed..
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Fear of abandonment
If you are anything like me, "my partner is going to leave me", is a constant background noise in your mind. You have to work hard to keep that voice in check and remind yourself that the voice is being unreasonable.
You over analyze even the minute differences in your partner's behaviour - missing emojis and exclamation marks in texts, a slight change in their tone, a slight difference in their facial expressions. All this can amplify the echo in your mind which screams, "he is going to leave me".
Not hearing from them for a couple of hours extra can drive you nuts.
Navigating through disagreements is a huge nightmare. You start imagining all the possible reasons and ways they might leave you. "He might ghost me. He might say I am not good enough for him. He might fall out of love for me" - these are a few of a million thoughts that invade my mind from time to time.
You wouldn't hesitate to lose yourself to please them, so that they won't leave you.
Your mind goes haywire and you lose all your ability to think rationally even though a small voice inside you, weakly says "this is not true".
The paradox of this is, your fear itself becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Fear of abandonment can subconsciously make you chase, get attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, who would definitely leave you at some point no matter what, who would never love you the way you deserve or want to be loved.
What's worse than this is, your fear of abandonment can make you push your partner away subconsciously.
Your mind creates multitudes of scenarious as to how you can leave your partner - before they leave you!
You oscilate between never wanting to be left by your partner and wanting to leave them first so that the pain you endure will be less.
You need constant reassurance from your partner that you are loved and cared for.
It requires an immense amount of self awareness to navigate through this chaos. Sometimes it requires a huge amount of mental energy just to stay sane. It can be very exhausting...
But it is not impossible to deal with.
The things that help me ease my anxiety are, relaxing a bit and reminding myself that my mind is playing tricks with me, expressing my needs to my partner directly, taking deep breaths whenever my mind goes haywire, understanding my "reactive patterns" and trying to respond to a situation rather than reacting.
I have come a long way and I am very much better at controlling the way I respond to such situations now than I was a couple of years ago.
If you are anything like me, remember
YOU ARE NOT ALONE and this can be dealt with via practise.
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Depression
When I was too busy,
Wallowing in self pity,
My friends moved forward
Leaving me behind.
Now I look back up again,
And I see
A lot of burned bridges,
Bridges I have no idea,
How to build back again.
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Migration
One day,
I shall wake up in the morning
And,
Not see the ray of morning sunlight
That falls upon my home,
Not hear the Lankan birds
That sing merrily
Welcoming the dawn,
I might not see the sparrows
That pick rice particles from our balconey parapet,
Not see the beautiful mountains
That surround my house,
Not feel the comfort of my room
Where I laughed and cried since childhood,
Not feel the echoes of my childhood dreams
In the surrounding walls.
I feel the pain
Of my people
Who ran from place to place,
In the wake of unannounced shellings,
I feel the pain
Of my people
Who left Lanka and never looked back again.
Never did I dream
That I shall end up with
The same fate..
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Are we actually going through a revolution?
As opposed to the vast majority, all I feel is darkness without any sign of light - hopelessness.
It maybe because, I know about the fragile minds of our people, how easily manipulatable they are, how much they lack original thoughts, how easily they could be sold a propaganda, how much they lack a vision.
How does getting on to the streets make a lasting change? Has jumping on to the streets changed the fundemental way of thinking and attitude of our people overnight? Rather it is only signalling how short sighted we are.
These protests shall only last till we get what we lost - fuel, electricity and livelihood.
That shall be the end of it. All I see is darkness beyond that.
Doesn't lasting change begin in the minds of the people? Isn't that the place a revolution originate?!
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