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I'm not dead!
I know I do this every few months. I swear I wanted to do better, but life and xmas and kids and fundraising (WHYYY??) and work and taking a new certification course and pets and now we're going on holiday so I don't have time to get my screens up. But never fear!
The gang will return. I just need to get a HOT FUCKING MINUTE to myself for once.
I swore I was going to have time this past week, alas I forgot about packing and cleaning and getting my shit together, as usual. SO, please be patient! I swear I might have a minute or two of Xmas to be on my own and doing things I enjoy doing. haha
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Evelyn- You, are far too flattering and far too forward.
Jake- <smiles> Am I? Well, if that’s the case can I continue to be forward and ask you for a dance.
Evelyn- <smirks> Is this a ploy in order to get close to me?
Jake- Oh, am I that transparent?
Evelyn- I appreciate the transparency, if only your clothes were equally as see through.
Jake- <playfully shocked> My god, and I’m forward?
Evelyn- A lady knows what she wants and when she wants it.
Jake- Well then, take my hand and maybe I can press up against you enough for you to be able to tell if you want it or not.
Evelyn- Give me a spin, you handsome thing.
Jake- <snorts> Five hundred for the night.
Evelyn- <giggles> Oh is that how it is?
Jake- Gotta make a living somehow. New houses don’t come cheap.
Evelyn- <laughs then accidentally stomps on his foot>
Jake- Ow!!
Evelyn- Oh my god I’m so sorry! I’m not used to wearing heels anymore! Are you okay?! Jake?
Jake- I’m fine! I’m fine. That’s a super pointy heel. How is that even possible?
Evelyn- I’m not much of a dancer. Sorry! Are you okay?
Jake- Perfectly fine. I may walk with a limp from now on, but we can pretend that it’s from some professional hazard that has befallen Gigolo Jake.
Evelyn- <laughs> Can I be Richard Geere in this scenario and pretty woman you?
Jake- I’ll practice… “You work on commission? Big mistake!”
Evelyn- More like “BIG mistake!”. Come on Vivienne, let’s go gamble.
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Jake- <quirks eyebrow> Hello, I’m Jake you must be Evelyn.
Evelyn- <smirks> You would be correct. Is it because I’m the only one here at this hour? Who sets a date for four o’clock?
Jake- One that is eager to spend as much time as possible with a beautiful woman.
Evelyn- Aren’t you slick? Does this work on all your dates?
Jake- Hoping it works on this one. <winks>
Evelyn- I guess we’ll see won’t we? Can I buy you a drink?
Jake- I thought I would offer to buy you a drink.
Evelyn- tsk. You’re a little late I’m afraid, I’ve already ordered. I’m more than happy to pay, I wouldn’t want you to get any ideas.
Jake- <lowly> Oh I have ideas, and I expect that you exceed them all.
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Bartender- Oh, hello! I’m not quite open yet.
Evelyn- I know, it’s unfashionably early for drinking but I’m waiting for a date.
Bartender- Ah, gotcha. Well, what can I get for ya? Garnishes aren’t ready so-
Evelyn- You’ll be pleased to know I’m easy, and don’t need any garnishes. You can even pick the drink.
Bartender- <smiles> Perfect. You won’t be waiting long, I think your date has arrived.
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Harris- You don’t even know what I’m gonna say!
Jonah- Whatever it is I don’t want to hear it.
Harris- All I want is to go somewhere where the floor doesn’t move! I threw up last night!
Jonah- Wasn’t all the alcohol you seem to have polished off?
Harris- I mean, that might have been part of it. But come on man! It’s lonely here. I haven’t been alone like this for years. The silence is deafening! How am I supposed to be inspired? The sooner I’m inspired the sooner I finish and you don’t have to look after me anymore.
Jonah- Where the fuck am I supposed to take you? You can’t be seen anywhere.
Harris- We can go to your place.
Jonah- No. Its too busy, I have neighbours. My parents are visiting.
Harris- That’s okay, I like old people. They’re not my key demographic but I’m not above pandering to the older generation.
Jonah- Absolutely not.
Harris- I don’t know then, anywhere! There has to be somewhere that you can take me that doesn’t have a lot of neighbors, where there’s no one around.
Jonah- <pauses> And if I do this you’ll leave me alone?
Harris- Scouts honour! <smiling>
Jonah- IF I take you somewhere you will do everything I tell you? You won’t go anywhere else, you won’t call anyone, you won’t rat on me to your boss?
Harris- <scoffs> He’s hardly my boss- er but yes! Totally. I’m putty in your tiny little hands. And I will leave you alone.
Jonah- One hour. Tops.
Harris- Three.
Jonah- Two and that’s final.
Harris- Fuck yeah! See? You’re a decent guy.
Jonah- Bleeding fucking heart.
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Harris- Fuck it’s hot here. How can you stand it?
Jonah- I’m not amused Harris. You’re not starving and you’re turning into a royal pain in my ass. I have my parents down and I can’t keep leaving them to deal with you!
Harris- I totally get it. Well not really. If my parents were here I’d toss them over the side.
Jonah- <sighing angrily>
Harris- Calm down! I promise I won’t bother you for a week if you do me a favour.
Jonah- What? What do you want? Shouldn’t you be twiddling on the guitar, not painting?!
Harris- That’s exactly my problem! I’m not inspired! I’m bored. What can I write about here? I can only make so many songs about the fucking waves and seagulls.
Jonah- You’re not going out anywhere. You know that.
Harris- Not just anywhere, not in public! I know that.
Jonah- No.
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Jonah- <to himself> Where are ya, ya little shit? Harris! HARRIS!
Harris- <from a distance> Up here!
Jonah- I brought your fucking tequila, what the hell are you doing?
Harris- I’m painting.
Jonah- Where’d you get paints? You didn’t leave the boat did you?
Harris- No, I did not. I found them in one of the cupboards. Pretty well stocked boat here. I like painting, it’s relaxing.
Jonah- Where are the phones? You’re not supposed to have a fucking phone.
Harris- Ugh. In my bag. It’s not like I called anyone that mattered.
Jonah- You called Jared and he called Evelyn and she called me. I don’t like getting called to be berated because you can’t fucking follow the rules.
Harris- Yeah yeah yeah. Give me a minute here. Im blending.
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Jonah- How’s it going? Having fun yet?
Slow down there! It’s hardly my fault! I brought him enough food for days! I’m busy right now….
It’s fine. I said fine! I’ll go! I heard you, yes I’ll be nice. I’m always nice Evelyn! Isn’t that what everyone says? I’ll deal with it. I said I’ll deal with it okay! Fine, bye. <groans>
Laken- I told you not to answer.
Jonah- I know. I have to go. Can you take Mom, Dad and the baby back to my place?
Laken- Perry wants to go out for supper. How long are you going to be?
Jonah- Fuck if I know.
Laken- Who is this guy anyway?
Jonah- I don’t know. Harris something or other. Really blonde, lots of tattoos.
Laken- <shrugs> I don’t know. We’ll take the baby with us, she’ll be fine. Text me later when your babysitting duties are done with the big baby.
Jonah- <snorts> Maybe working and being independent isn’t worth it.
Laken- Ev does it, and she isn’t well known for her patience. She looked after you and that horrible Bollywood Fabio didn’t she?
Jonah- Don’t remind me. I’ll text you later.
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Laken- Hey, Perry wants a picture. Let’s show her how much fun the stay at home Dads have.
Jonah- <rolls his eyes> Still no news about a new job?
Laken- Nope. Why? How’s babysitting?
Jonah- Just great. I have to go back in a few, make sure the little shit hasn’t escaped or died.
Laken- Say cheeeeese! Look at us having so much fun Perry!! Too bad you’re slaving away for the man.
Jonah- Ah shit. It’s Ev.
Laken- Ignore it. Isn’t she having some hot date weekend?
Jonah- <grumbles> I don’t know… I should probably get it. Maybe she has a more grown up job for me.
Laken- Your funeral!
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(Just for fun because its my simself)
Evelyn- Oh hey... Casey is it?
Casey- Yep, Casey. And you are?
Evelyn- ....Evelyn... your boss. I hired you.
Casey- Oh right, yes... totally. <nods vacantly> Really nice to meet you.... again.
Evelyn- How are things going?
Casey- Great! Uh... want me to make you something?
Evelyn- Sure, how about a latte?
Casey- <wrinkles nose> That's a lot of milk. If I drank that I'd probably crap my pants.
Evelyn- <blank stare>
Casey- Coming right up! <smiles weirdly intimately while making it> Here you go! Enjoy! That will be seven dollars.
Evelyn- I'm your boss.
Casey- <nods> Mmmhmm, seven dollars please.
Evelyn- <pays grumpily>
Casey- How is it?
Evelyn- Its fine... maybe stop hovering behind me. You're making me nervous.
Casey- It might be the milk. You might be intolerant. I'd stay near the bathroom if I were you.
Evelyn- I think I'm going to leave now. Have a good day.
Casey- Nailed it.
Other Cashier- You fucking idiot. And maybe put some clothes on next time you come to work!
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Evelyn- Hey Jared, how goes it?
Mmmmhmmm yes, Harris made quite the impression on Jonah. Why are you laughing?
Listen there's nothing I can do. You wanted secrecy and Jonah's the only one that I know that will absolutely not say a word because he doesn't know who Harris is.
I already talked to him and I told him to be nice, what more do you want from me?
Yes, I will make sure to tell Jonah to confiscate ALL the phones that Harris has hidden. You know what? Why don't I just give you Jonah's number? That way you can just call him directly if Harris has a phone hidden up his ass and Jonah doesn't find it when he tosses his room.
Jonah? He's a peach. You'd love him. <shifty eyes> No I'm not lying! You can NOT tell when I'm lying, you don't know me that well. I gotta go Jared, I have weekend plans and none of them involve any irrational men. Jonah is all over everything, he's got this cased.
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Jonah- Tell Mommy not to talk about her tits in case you get ideas about going back on them. <fooling around with the baby>
Verity- <laughing loudly>
Evelyn- Fiiine, but Young Evelyn was hot shit.
Jonah- Tell Mommy to watch her mouth. If I can’t say fuck and dick, she can’t say shit.
Evelyn- <rolls eyes> Stop hiding behind the baby. Can you manage Harris? I told Jake we’d take the weekend to do fun stuff.
Jonah- Do you know what fun is anymore? I didn’t know you did that stuff. <smirks>
Evelyn- Jonah!
Jonah- Yes I can handle him!
Evelyn- And I’m not going to get a frantic call from Jared that you’re mistreating his VIP?
Jonah- He needs a little mistreating! I told you I can handle it! Don’t look at me like that. I know how to handle dicks.
Evelyn- <holding back a grin>
Jonah- Don’t! You know that’s not what I meant.
Evelyn- <nodding in amusement> Uh huuuh. Would it surprise you to know that I already know you’re skilled with handling dicks.
Jonah- <narrowed gaze> That wasn’t me.
Evelyn- <grins> Of course not. But, you know.. you still strike me as the “any port in a storm” kinda guy.
Jonah- I’m not going to dignify that with an answer. Please leave me and my innocent baby daughter to our own devices.
Evelyn- Hah! That’s not a no!
Jonah- Out! <points to the door> Have a nice weekend.
Evelyn- I intend to! Have fun with Harris! But not too much fun! Wouldn’t want to see you in the tabloids <laughing>
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Evelyn- Should you be doing that? You aren’t going to electrocute yourself are you?
Jonah- <grunts> No I’m not. I know what I’m doing.
Evelyn- Are you sure? I can bring it in..
Jonah- I said I know what I’m doing.
Evelyn- Alright! Sorry. I just don’t want to see you hurt yourself.
Jonah- <stops tinkering> Why are you still here?
Evelyn- Ouch.
Jonah- Not like that, you know what I mean.
Evelyn- How’s everything going with Harris? <worried look>
Jonah- Everything’s fine. He’s a fucking dick.
Evelyn- <motions towards Verity> The baby Jonah! She has ears. I mean, he was bound to be a … wiener.. wasn’t he? It’s why Jared has so many problems with him.
Jonah- Jared should be the one dealing with him.
Evelyn- That might be. But I feel like there’s issues between them because Jared was messing around with his ex or something? I didn’t really get the full story. <smiling> Speaking of stories, Jared finally admitted that he did want to sleep with me. So hah! In his smug rich face.
Jonah- <confused look>
Evelyn- Oh right. Tsk. It’s a long story.
Verity- Dadadadadadaa
Jonah- Sounds like something you might want to tell Jake. <moves to pick up the baby>
Evelyn- Oh I did! <laughs>
Jonah- I think I’m missing something… not shocking but, why are you so excited about Jared wanting to sleep with you? Things okay between you and Jake?
Evelyn- Oh god. Not Now! He doesn’t want to sleep with me now. Before, when I was in Uni. When I was like nineteen.
Jonah- Ah hah… Verity your Mama has gone crazy.
Evelyn- Oh please. You would have loved this story before. Haven’t you ever been rejected but you knew they wanted you, but they refused to admit it and then- you’re ruining my ego trip.
Jonah- <smiles> I apologize. Do you want me to beat him up? Verity, do you want Dada to defend Mama’s honour? He’s a lot shorter than Dada, so I’ve got the reach advantage.
Verity- <giggles> Dada
Evelyn- <sighs> You’re not beating anyone up. Who didn’t want to sleep with me? Especially back then when my tits were still in their original location.
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Jake- I have a place in mind.
Evelyn- Yeah? And it’s close?
Jake- On the island.
Evelyn- I just have a few things I want to wrap up tomorrow at the office.
Jake- No worries, I’ve got some stuff I need to do. We’ll start the fun after work. What do you say?
Evelyn- I say… okay. I’ll clear up as much of my weekend as I can. I can’t make promises that I won’t need to put out any fires, but as of this moment I’m in. Do I need to bring anything specific?
Jake- <smiles> Just your gorgeous self… and maybe the hand cuffs.
Evelyn- Well this is sounding like my sort of weekend.
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Jake- Looking good baby! Nice form.
Evelyn- What’s going on? You are exceedingly underdressed. Not that I mind the view.
Jake- I just finished swimming some laps.
Evelyn- Not afraid the cardio is going to slim you down too much? <small smirk>
Jake- Very funny. I wanted to see if you’re free tomorrow for a date.
Evelyn- I’m free right now.
Jake- No, I mean a real date. Go out, do something. I haven’t seen you as much since I stopped working for Lex.
Evelyn- We see each other all the time!
Jake- When was the last time we went out, just you and I? Not business dinners or meeting up with clients.
Evelyn- Hmm…
Jake- It’s been a long time. And since Jonah’s taking Verity over the weekend maybe we can do something like a staycation? Eat somewhere that doesn’t have a kids menu, wear something nice, wreck a hotel bed.
Evelyn- You make a compelling argument.
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Harris- So what happened?
Jonah- We don’t need to get into specifics.
Harris- Oh come on, humour me! I’m a writer of songs, a student of life’s little stories. Maybe you’re a fucking muse. <smirks>
Jonah- Not happening. What did you do? Cheat? Since you’re a big shot and all. I imagine it’s not hard to find a willing body.
Harris- Absolutely not! I might be fucking dramatic but I’m not a cheater. And yeah, it isn’t hard to find a warm body. She just wanted different things. A little house, a quiet life, for me to be home for supper every evening. I didn’t want that. Some things just weren’t meant to be.
Jonah- That’s fucking stupid.
Harris- What?! What’s fucking stupid?
Jonah- You aren’t with her because you don’t want to live in a little house? Jesus. <scoffs> Then live in a big house with her. Quit doing whatever it is that you do, and buy a house and live in it with them. How fucking hard is that? You can’t need the money that badly.
Harris- It’s not about the money! It’s about making something, being something, doing something that I love that no one else told me to do. That wasn’t shoved down my throat since I was a fucking kid.
Jonah- That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. All you’d have to do to have your girl and your kid in your life is settle down and be present? Ri-fucking-diculous. You’re a moron. You’re fucking stupid. What’s her name? I’ll move in with her. Play Daddy to both of them. <snort of disgust> I’m outta here.
Harris- Real fucking nice man! Here I thought you might be decent.
Jonah- I hope you know your guitar and stupid songs aren’t going to give a shit about you when you’re old. <noise of disgust> I’ll be back in a few days.
Harris- <calling after him> Oh fuck you! Bring some fucking tequila next time!
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Jonah- Anchor has been dropped, you’re far out enough no one can see you but not so far that if the boat sinks that you can’t swim back. You can swim right?
Harris- What?! Well, how the fuck are you getting back to land?
Jonah- That’s what the dinghy is for.
Harris- Why don’t you fucking swim and I’ll keep the dinghy?
Jonah- <snorts> No fucking chance.
Harris- Whatever. Sit down. So what are you anyways? An errand boy?
Jonah- It would seem so. <sits down with a sigh> I’m just helping out.
Harris- Who do you work for?
Jonah- Uhh… Evelyn I guess.
Harris- And Evelyn is who?
Jonah- My ex. <takes long sip>
Harris- Ooohh, like that is it? She must be a nice fucking ex if she keeps you around to do her bidding. <smirks>
Jonah- <rolls eyes> We have a kid together. She’s helping me out, I’m helping her out. I don’t need to get into it with you.
Harris- Yeah yeah yeah. I have one of those.
Jonah- Those what?
Harris- A nice fucking ex, with my kid. How’s it working out for you?
Jonah- <shrugs>
Harris- That’s about how it is. You fuck things up?
Jonah- … I guess.
Harris- <barks out a laugh> Well man, maybe we’ll get along just fine.
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