21/04/2024

Dear future me,

Have you found love, I wrote this just now and I wonder if you still have the same emotions described.

Passion, ambition, the desire to do something great is what I have always achieved for yet never in sight, it’s been. That desire coupled with a need for something more, something difficult, something like love. Instead, not like, it is what I state, it is but often I struggle to allow myself gratitude as even a thought is a gift. We each interpret this differently but let me tell you mine at least. Often said the person who falls first is beat as the person who falls second, falls harder, but I ask myself how someone can fall more than I have. Before I knew his name, I didn’t know him at all. How strange I think as I knew of his friends, we even shared teachers, so how for so long did I not know of his existence. But once I did, it was not that I just knew of his name, it was that I wanted to know all about him. But not for this unspoken feeling but pure curiosity, I wanted to know why he got so angry so fast, I wanted to know how he spent his afternoons, I wanted to know if we would be a good pair if he would be ok to be with someone like me. Someone he can never let say be satisfied by. Someone who uses the term ace differently than poker.

My hope as this time with shared glances and mumbled conversations, I have a chance. If Charlie Spring can do it maybe he can too.

18/04/2024

Dear future me,

Do people still gossip, I mean do you still hang around people who gossip, as they tell their true opinions of the people, they spend time with, the opinions that they would not say in front of them as they are mean, why do they always have been so mean? I do not like to gossip, at least right now I don’t. Sometimes I find myself in the middle of a situation where gossiping seems fair, but my gossiping always seems fair as I interpret them as jokes played on their words. Often people gossip about those who they are jealous of, sometimes I think this is true but sometimes I think people gossip from just pure annoyance, a thought they need to get off their head in hopes others feel the same, a thought that if kept would drive them insane. My thoughts do not make me insane as growing up without many people to converse with, I kept my thoughts to myself. Often only shared in a diary or with an imaginary friend. Like now.

14/04/2024

Dear future me,

Do you still work at the club, I really hope not. Some people who work there have been for the past 20 years. I want to work somewhere more exciting with people who have the same ambitions as me. I work in reception which is kind of the most boring job ever. I sign people in and make memberships.  And that's it.  Even though I do nothing I still get anxious every time I have to work, like I’d rather just stay home all day playing video games and watching shows. I feel like due to my lack of opportunities as a child I was never able to expand my ideas of what to do in the future, all I did as a child was watch Minecraft videos on YouTube and draw, I didn’t really have friends.  Not that I didn’t want any or did, I just found it hard to make them and didn't really care. But once I did I kind of wished I didn’t. Needing to care about other lives than my own seemed useless, like I had to buy seven birthday presents every year and hang out with them. Why bother when I get them the same amount of enjoyment every year just being alone.

12/04/2024

Dear future me,

Do you still stay up really late, I know we didn’t for the longest time and would always stress in our bed at 11pm because we’ve been trying to sleep for the past two hours. I stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning and wake up at 7:30. By now you’ve probably started to wake up early for work, wherever that may be. Hopefully, it involves YouTube and animals, I know it’s a little cringe but I’ve always from like 10 years old wanted to become a YouTuber but always lacked the self-confidence. Slowly over time, I’ve gained some, I can form friendships, and talk to teachers without crying and one time I went to university for like a demo day or something like that, and I was able to engage with the students in the class and talk to them about their yearly projects. That was really big for me because I would usually just sit in the back writing notes.

Also, if you haven’t read my last message, it was my last day of term today, and my crush (yes, I will write about him a lot), stayed at school for the last day even though he didn’t last year, and I swear he was checking to see if I was there. But he left early because he was sick, a lot of people left early because they had a cold, I would too, but my mother couldn’t sign me out. Before my crush left, he asked my teacher about his assignment feedback, and I found it funny that she was talking to him about how the best and the smartest student in the class and I was the only other student in the room just listening in. He also wants to do an imaginative piece for his next assignment which out of all the options to choose from it's not the one I thought he would pick. I’m doing a discursive which I asked my teacher for feedback about, and she just absolutely destroyed me with feedback, so much that I felt like my idea was bad but then she reassured me that it was good but there was too much, I might post it if I’m allowed.

After school, I came home, ate then fell asleep because I thought I deserved it after what felt like the biggest term ever. I feel like I need to catch up with every subject but also that I’m ahead in them. I think I just need someone to teach me everything I should know. And by then hopefully, I won’t feel like such a failure.

10/04/2024

Dear future me,

Do you know how to speak normally yet, well because you probably forgot that now I do not, like do you start every sentence with a mumble, then mess up the first word and end up just restarting the sentence with a different first word but then it ends up making like no sense, so you just mumble the sentence again quietly hoping that the person you’re talking to understands you’re trying and just really struggle at speaking so they don’t judge. I hope not but if you do how have you survived. Also, do you get jokes now, that one old man who looks like Matthew Perry told you a joke and you didn’t understand so he just felt dumb when really the joke was probably good but even now I can’t even get what the joke was?

These difficulties are ok at school, but in the real world, like at work, ordering food, or buying clothes I can’t. I ran away once when talking to a retail worker because I mumbled my words and couldn’t say what I was trying to say, and the person was getting angry. I’m at school, it’s my last year, right now I don’t think my grades will get me into university even though I really want to go, but there are students in my year who have the worst grades and are still talking about going to university. So, I guess I can still try. I’m actually not writing this on the 10th but the 12th just because I don’t have enough words so I’m just yapping at this point which btw is a word I learned from my friends who do humanity subjects, it’s the constant of writing or talking that often leads to no real point but always sounds like it does. It’s the last day of my second term and I’m in my English classroom waiting for my teacher to print a booklet that I already have. I don’t say anything though, just sit in the back.

9/04/2024

Dear future me,

Do you ever get the feeling that your crush ever likes your back, well I do, but then you remember that life isn’t a movie and that he probably doesn’t. Do you also get the feeling that you might not be bi because you’ve like never had a female crush? Even though like all the females in my year LOVE to gossip, and I don’t really. I would rather talk about the Muppets or Biology or something like that because why think about someone else’s life so much. I would hate it if someone thought about my life, I mean I don’t like it when people even know my name, like sorry but you probably didn’t know me like two years ago so why do you know now, I know it’s ok for me to know your name but you actually like talking to people and I mean it’s not like I don’t it’s just that I would rather be by myself. You know.

Anyway, my crush is the person I wanted to talk about in the first place, not some person whose nickname is Curtain. Anyway CRUSH, his smart and I think nice even though one time in class he got really angry at his friend for throwing his pen in the bin, like really mad. And swore at him, btw I’ve never sworn ever not because I’m religious just because I think that swearing contains a lot of negative feelings that I do not really want to express, I was kind of taken back and a little scared at the sudden realisation that everyone swears and that my future whatever will probably swear as well. Since then his done a lot of things to redeem himself, like actually doing the book crush lean on a door (that makes sense), like the one that makes girls go red, like the “he leans on the door looking into her eyes, trying to impress her” kind of lean, and he was INFRONT on me, I think it was intentional but at the same time, my life isn’t a movie. He also smiles at me, and I feel like the amount of times we’ve made eye contact there has be something there. I hope.