I came here so I could clear my head but I just want to lay down and cry

Wish someone would hit me with their car

Does anyone ever really miss me

I should hit something with my car, hard and fast

Will my absence ever be truly noticed, much less missed?

Why am I so bad at this

Why do I just hurt hurt hurt

Hurt myself

Hurt the ones I love

No wonder no one misses me

My absence is a relief

Some things never change

Why can't I keep my ducking useless mouth shut. I ruin every good thing I've ever had because??? Of what? I get my feelings hurt over something stupid? Or because I'm mean? Or because I can't figure out how to be gentle with the things I love. I'm so good at breaking things. I wish I'd break myself. I wish I could fix myself. I wish I could stop hurting those I love

All this to say I've done everything I could to escape how life was but I can't escape myself. Can't escape I'm the same lil kid that's terrified. Can't escape

Why can't I keep my ducking useless mouth shut. I ruin every good thing I've ever had because??? Of what? I get my feelings hurt over something stupid? Or because I'm mean? Or because I can't figure out how to be gentle with the things I love. I'm so good at breaking things. I wish I'd break myself. I wish I could fix myself. I wish I could stop hurting those I love

All this to say I've done everything I could to escape how life was but I can't escape myself. Can't escape I'm the same lil kid that's terrified. Can't escape

Why am I so fucken unhappy

Freaking out a little bit because I still don't know how to be in love and I always panic when someone loves me because I don't really know how to deal with it even whenever there is no expectation there's so much expectation I feel like at the beginning there was more freedom and lately things have become a lot about I don't know other people you know what other people think about us and how we're supposed to act and how we're supposed to be in like I'm just getting tired of it like I want to chill out but I don't really want anything to change I still want to hang out with him I still want to talk to him I just want him to take a deep breath

I had another dream about you you are trying to read in my grandma's house and I got time to chase you down and he took time you get away from me I kept trying to just be near you

Sometimes I remember the things that go on my head or a lifelong sentence that this medication is a lifelong sentence if I want to continue to function and it brings me down so much makes me feel so shackled so heavy I wish I could heal it, scrub it from my brain

I wish it wasn't ruining my life, my relationships

I wish people didn't get sick of it

I wish they knew I am tired of me too

And not tell me why I had another dream about you tell me why this is a good one and I hardly dreamed about you and the whole 7 months and I have two in one week and this one we went on a trip together and we started it hating each other and by the end we were holding hands and you had your hand on my side and you would kiss me and you're parked the car and pull down all the seats and we're going to smoke lay down and who knows what else and then I have to wake up tell me why I had to do that

I'm putting this here is a reminder for myself to read whenever I get side so I can remember why I'm sad although I could maybe go back and tell you everything I'm feeling and maybe you might feel bad maybe you might miss me to come back I could but I won't because I need to be unselfish because if I keep you you will be miserable and you will be sad and you deserve to be happy and even though I would like to be happy with you that would have been a selfish act and I can't do that so I will learn to be happy without you and I will wish you happiness from far away and I will be thankful for the good things that we had

I have dreams about him one of the dreams is that I wouldn't like back in time or something but I wasn't really the point and don't worry in a hotel and everyone was saying oh he's in there and he could have been him but I think in my dream my ass was on might have been June I don't know like she said there was another girl and someone text messages saying they had pictures of him and his ass and I was like no and I kept wanting to not know but people kept trying to make me know and I also I had a dream that he messaged me that he forgives me and that he doesn't want to say bad things about me don't think I'd care this much

I fell asleep dreaming about how I'd do it

I'm tired, I wanna die

My meds haven't been enough lately and

Today, the day after Forests bday i.... I want to end it so badly, I'm tired and stressed and frustrated. No matter how much good there is it doesn't change that most of life is neutral or boring or repetitive at best

At worst, I am constantly reminded that so much pain exists.

I don't even want to end it for the pain, the gray, the sheer weight that I'm not even a third of the way done. I have decades of this cycle. Decades of just holding on to the next thing to look forward to, decades of work and trauma and loneliness, decades of wondering if anyone wants me. Decades of pretending .

I know it's selfish but o can't. 25 years is enough

Literally the only reason I didn't is because..my check hasn't come in yet. I want that check so I can at least leave anything for the people I'm not even sure like me sometimes.

I want to blink and this struggle be lifted

I'd much rather be content be happy than constantly trying to hold this weight off,

Fuck worth or waiting or trying I am just so exhausted of it. I feel like I've done this for eons.

Even the usual things don't.... Don't work. I don't care, I don't care who's sad or that it might get better or that I'm abandoning everything. I'll be gone! I won't notice, too dead to care.

I guess I'll speak this letter to you here because I doubt all of my send it be brave enough to send it and who knows maybe I won't even have anybody to send it to after today

But I know I mess up a lot especially lately for whatever reason and I know I'm too reactive and I put my foot in my mouth I speak without thinking and I know sometimes whenever I try to help it's not always wanted or it's not always the right thing and I'm really trying I'm really trying to be honest and open and to be good and I know that we trying doesn't necessarily mean it's enough and doesn't excuse whenever I do fuck up but I am if it makes any difference and I'm sorry and I want to keep trying and yeah I might can just borrow a little bit if you get mad at me or whatever but that is not important in the moment most important is the moment and making sure that you feel like you can trust me and that in turn I am trustworthy and that you feel like you can be careful by me because I want to do that and I want to be kind and helpful and I no this is coming off as a little bit of sub depreciating and stuff like that but I hope you don't think this is me trying to like manipulate sympathy or something like that because of someone to do I'm just I am self aware sometimes even if I do things without thinking but sometimes I don't know if I actually messed up or if I'm just reading something that isn't there but I don't know and I don't want to be annoying and ask like constantly and I don't want you to think I'm like too crazy or neurotic or sensitive or bitchy to be with cuz that's not what I'm trying to do like I don't want you to feel like the way I came off as a different person I must have been something that you liked for it to come this far I don't want you to think that it's all like garbage underneath because it isn't I'm not I just I don't know I want to stop messing up

Perhaps I am just a fuckup. I shouldn't have been a person I'm no good at it. Should have been a tree, then at the very least if they decide to chop me down I could at least become paper or a book or something useful

Do you think I'll ever be enough, will o ever stop screwing up and hurting ppl. I don't know if it's worse I don't know when I'm doing it , being good is so hard being vulnerable is hard, scary, terrified of losing someone else, failing someone else. I'm just so good at failure. Isn't even this kind of narcissistic, their world isn't me, nor does it revolve around me, is it better to collapse a galaxy or to be so insignificant it doesn't matter, I don't matter

The exhaustion from the gymnastics of swinging back and forth between the thoughts drains me and leaves me hollow. Trying so hard to.... Sit still, to wait and to hope and to try rather than run and hide. But hiding is safe, alone is safe, if there's no one else on the room with a bomb I'll be the only one it incinerates.

Is my rose even good enough to justify the thorns or am I just a bed of bramble and thistle, sharp nettles under everybodys skin after long enough

I want to collapse,to shred every gnarled branch if I can't tame them

I'm so tired of being the grown up of having to ask and beg and hope that I'm seen, that I'm heard, that I'm respected. I'm tired of asking for people to care about my emotions and people to care about me. I keep wanting to feel like I'm worth that and it makes it so hard when I have to ask every single person that comes into my life to do the bare minimum it feels like. what am I really doing. this is why I always come to the same conclusion, that it's better to be alone, it's better to not have to ask, it's better to not be disappointed whenever they inevitably fail I think it's human to make mistakes, it's human to accidentally hurt the people around us but whenever these become repeated or intentional it becomes a problem and then you really have to question do I actually mean something to this person. Does this person actually care about me?