#6 - 12/04/2017, Monday

Dear Tumblr. There isn’t actually a lot I can say about today. Today was so super weird. And I don’t know yet if it was weird in a positive or in a negative way. School sucked. It’s Monday and I already feel like I need weekend. I just need a break from all this shit. I’m so incredibly excited for next week.. seeing Olli ❤ Math first blog was.. URG. JUST NO. PE second block was… Actually kind of nice. Usually I really don’t like PE cause it’s the class I can’t hide my scars, wounds/cuts as good as in others. Biology was nice. It was fun. The last classes I had were psychology, with the cute teacher and socials.. it.. was okay. Not great just.. low average. After school j went to the barn. It was.. fine. Not as good as usual. Not so much fun.. hmn.. I just gained way too much weight. I really have to start starving again. Especially with Oliver coming here. I’m gonna still be a fat, ugly pig but at least a little skinnier fat, ugly pig. Sounds.. still digusting, but okay. I actually think I’ll starve today. And I guess Wednesday. Hopefully even Thursday. I really need to lose weight. I wanna reach my gw1. I already was so close once but my stupid fat ass ruined it. Today my dad also told me that my cousin hat some kind of setback. He’s in the hospital because of some psychological issues.. I guess it’s in the blood line, haha I just don’t know anymore. I’m so overwhelmed by with world. Honestly, Oliver is the one person that gives me so much strength. He holds me. He shows me that life could be okay one day.. I’m so afraid of the time after the weekend. What if I’m going to miss him even more than I already do? Please no.. just.. no.. Missing someone is so painful. Craving is painful. Because I know I’ll never have you. That kills me more than any eating disorder, (social) anxiety or depression could ever. He kills me. His absence kills me. I just miss him, holy shit. Please. Make it stop.. Bring him to me.. and never take him away again.. Bye Blamily. I already miss you, hun’s! ~ Fucckingprincess

Florian.

2014

#5 - 12/03/2017, Sunday

Dear Tumblr. Today was.. actually fine. Almost good. I was productive, did most of my homework and school stuff, bought most of my Christmas gifts and birthday gifts, did stuff I had do to for weeks. I also didn’t eat a lot. I ate like 4 slices of bread all over the day. Just bread. Nothing I top of it .. that’s.. okay. It’s still quiet a lot, but.. okay, yeah. Better that yesterday. My parents wanted me to pick out a Christmas tree with them and.. we did. We always pick out our tree the first Sunday of December, so.. it’s almost some kind of tradition. After the tree picking I also drank some alcohol. That made today even better. I think there’s actually a pretty big change of me ever becoming alcoholic. But not now. Maybe soon. But.. right now I’m getting better. But there where some days I just craved like 7 beers, vodka or anything. Just to get me wasted. I’m also really weak with drugs. Probably I’ll start smoking or become drug addicted one day. Just because I’ll help get rid of those thoughts. To escape my life. Probably the highlight today was my cat. Or my cats. I have 3, so.. I just spend like an hour outside with them and I really need to do this more often. It just helps me relax and get some kind of balance in my life. BTW, IT SNOWED THIS NIGHT. SOOO, I woke up to a Christmas wonder world. I love snow. I just love love love fucking love it. I wasn’t with the horse today.. but okay, I’ll see her tomorrow. I’m already so excited to see her looking out of her stall. To see her big beautiful, dark eyes looking at me and recognizing me. To feel her soft nose gently pushing towards me or sliding over my face to give me a little kiss. It’s so crazy how addicted I am to her. To a horse. Haha. With potatoe things are great. I guess you can already call it some kind of “soft sexting”. It’s more.. feeling based. And I do enjoy it. I’m just not too sure if he’s serious about everything he says. Today he made some.. today he said some things that felt like him kind of trying me to tell that he feels something that reaches over friendship. Btw, he visits me the weekend 15th-17th December.. maybe I’ll also be with him new years eve and new year. I’m so happy, holy shit. It makes me so happy that there “only” 11 more days for me to wait to feel his hands, his heart, to hear his voice. To see his pretty face again. I just can’t explain it differently. I fucking crave him. I crave everything about him. I’m scared to fall in love with him. But I’m also scared that there’s no feelings. Only physical contact. But no connection. I guess I see what happens.. Things with Phine are getting better.. slowly.. today we texted again, after like 3 days. That sounds pathetic but we used to text every second. In school, everywhere and to every time. I’m going to to see her 9th of December. We’re going to a concert of “Itchy” together (a German punk-rock band. But they write songs in englisch, thought.. you might check ‘em out. They’re RAD) I’m as scared as excited for this day.. what might happen? Will anything happen at all? I guess I have to wait again. But I’m not patient. Aaarg. Definitely, today was good.. in recap I was almost happy. Okay, I had a break down, but.. let’s not talk about this. I guess.. I’m getting better. I’m healing. Bye Blamily. I already miss you, hun’s! ~ Fucckingprincess

#4 - 12/02/2017, Saturday

Dear Tumblr. I decided to start writing diary in a classic way. With pen and paper. So probably my diary thing will already end earlier than I expected it to end. This Bliary just showed me that writing down all my thoughts really helps me going to through this shit. Especially in a time I have no one to help me go through that shit. Today was just.. a disappointment. It startet.. good. Breakfast was okay, I just ate way too much. In generally I ate too fucking much today. I’m so scared of the number in the scale tomorrow.. After breakfast I went to the horse and.. it was amazing. As always. Slowly were really becoming a team, I guess.. I hope. Today my parents left at like 1pm and they told me they’re gonna be back at like midnight-ish. Today was chill but I was way to unproductive. I have so much to do for school and I just don’t do it. Why am I like this?! Afterwards I only showered and laid on the couch all day watching DARK on Netflix. It’s amazing. But it’s killing my productivity and especially my diet/weight. Potato slept all day. No shit. He woke up like 9pm. Maybe he already woke up earlier and just didn’t want to text me, talk to me, whatever.. I can understand it. Even though it hurts. This hole situation with Phine is just killing me. It feels like our friendship is breaking and we’re so close to the end. I.. I.. no. I wouldn’t survive this. It would break my heart again. Just after she fixed it herself. Because she is just this kind of person. The person that helps me every time. The person that lifts me up. And I am.. the total opposite. I let her down, disappoint her, hurt her. She deserves better. We both know. My head is so full of thought and yet it’s empty. My heart is broken and cold and yet it still loves. Someone told me that I am strong. That I’m a fighter. Am I? Aren’t I more the quitter kind of person? The “in myself drowning” person? What am I? Who am I? Who do I wanna be? There’s so much I still don’t know about myself.. I just realized that I barely know myself. And if I barely know someone i never say that I hate them or not like them. Maybe they’re just not sympathetic, but.. I do not judge them. Or at least I try not to. So, why to I hate myself without knowing me? Why do I judge myself more than anyone probably does. Why do I expect things that are just not possible? Why am I so harsh to myself? And yet the answer is as complicated as simple. Because I am I. I’m so confused. So insecure. I need someone to hug me, to hold me tight and to tell me that everythings gonna be okay and that quietly sings Peter pan songs into my ear.. One that tells me I’m pretty but one that never tells me that I’m pretty because i wanna hear it as much as I hate hearing it. One that asks me if I have eaten anything. One that asks me if I want something if their food. Even if I would never take food. One that gives me the feeling that they care about me. That I couldn’t just disappear as invisibly as I think I could do. One that shows me that I’m not as worthless as I am. But someone who’s honest with me. Even if it hurts me. The lie would break me. I just don’t know anymore. I can’t do this. But I am too afraid to change something. Cause I’m afraid it’ll just get worse. Bye Blamily.. I already miss you, hun’s. ~ Fucckingprincess

#3 - 12/01/2017, Friday

Dear Tumblr.

Today was so fucked up. I had like 2 mental break downs and I almost killed myself or at least I almost cut my holee arm open in my lunch break. School’s hell.

Today it was even more hell that usually. I’m just so fucking done. I’m already stressed out by the simple thought that in two days it’s Monday again. Just. Nope.

My Spanish teacher wasn’t at school today so I didn’t have Spanish first blog. But after that little peak of hope everything got worse. Geography was hell. Socials was even more hell. French was the devil in person.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore hell and the devil’s my role model but.. today was like the “bad” kind of hell. Ya know? The kind of hell they tell children about to make them be religious and nice and to kill all their personality.

Lunch was. Wow. I can’t describe it. Just. Wow. And not a “positive, I am impressed”-Wow, more like a “why am I still on this goddam world?”-Wow. I live kinda close to my school so I drive back home in lunch. It started with my mom being at home an not at work. I was already annoyed. I love my mom, but.. I’m just not in the mood for talking and she does not realize. Lunch is my time of the day I can really breathe and just calm down for a sec. But not, when she’s there. I talked with her about how much school sucks and.. I actually told her my problems, my thoughts, how unbelievably fucked up and exhausted I am.

The first time in my fucking life I allowed myself to talk. To scream for help. And not this silent scream. An actual, a real “wow.. I.. just can’t.”. And how did it end? Exactly. With me crying alone in my room and driving back to school with my face full of tears. I never saw someone acting that.. I can’t even describe it. Just so insensitive, blind and.. and.. stupid. I almost cried in front of her just taking about all the weight that’s on my shoulders.

My minds just.. broken. As broken as my personality is. As broken as my spirit is. As my hope. My life. As broken as I am.

And no one sees. No one cares.

And that just breaks me more. Everytime a little bit. And slowly I’m running out of glue and tape to fix myself. Slowly I’m running out of colors to draw this pretty fake smile of mine on my face.

My little highlight was the horse. I’m with the horse like 3-4 times a week and I wouldn’t be alive anymore without her.

It’s so hard to believe how she just makes my life so much better every time I see her. When I’m with her the world stops for a second and everything falls off my shoulders. My thoughts stop for a moment.

I can breathe again.

Weird what love does to people. She makes me feel so free and.. loved. Wanted. She does the things no one else can do. She does what no human is been able to do for years. Without saying a world. Just with being her lovely self.

I am so afraid of the moment I’ll lose her. Cause if I lose her… I lose every last bit of Sence in my existence.

The is no glue. She is my needle and she stitches me up. Closes my wounds. Opens my eyes. She gives me hope. She stitches me. So silently. With no word, with no concerns, with no judgement.

This horse is more important to me than most of the people I know. Most of the people in this world. This horse does more for me than anyone. I love her like I never loved before.

She isn’t just a horse. She isn’t JUST anything. She is everything. Everything to me. Everything I need and everything I will ever need.

It might sound weird but.. she is my best friend. ..and tbh she’s way better than all my human friends right now. Especially my best friend.

I don’t really wanna talk about Phine right now it’s just.. does this even make Sence? I can’t do this anymore.

Every pillar holding my life up is breaking and the one person that promised me to put every single piece of marble back into it’s place if it needs to, just stands there. Looking everything falling down on me und suffocating me. Laughing. Enjoying the show. Why do you do this to me? I am so scared that you and me will end but.. I can’t do this anymore.

It feels like you’re slowly becoming more toxic to me and slowly poisoning me. .. and then sitting next to me, while I’m dieing of your poison, holding my hand and apologizing for trying everything​ but not find a solution. We know both that I will never fight you. But I will fight myself. I already am. Everyday. For years. There’s nothing I can lose anymore.

I already lost my pride. My life. My love. My feelings. The person I loved most. My hope. I lost my face. I lost my smile. Years ago. I lost the stars in my eyes.

The one person I trust anymore is Olli.. and I miss him so badly. I crave him. I need him. I miss his warmth. His body sleeping next to mine. I miss this happy feeling I got everyone I looked at him.

I hate distance.

..and I miss my home. Canada. I wasn’t born there. But I lost my heart there. And I feel so empty here without it. I just want to go back. The time I lived in Canada was the best time of my life. The time flew by and I didn’t worry.

I miss Canada.

The spot where my heart used to be is maple leaf shaped. And there will always be a spot for a hockey puck. There will always be time for a hockey game.

I miss Canada. I miss home.

“If home is where you’re heart is then we’re all just fucked.” ~ Fall out boy.

..but not like I thought cause the spot your heart is is bad. We’re fucked because we are not there.

We are not home.

I am not home.

Bye Blamily. I already miss you, hun’s!

~ Fucckingprincess

#2 - 11/30/2017, Thursday

Dear Tumblr.

This week is killing me. It’s just. Too much, too long, so fast (Hehe. Wow. I’m so mature). It isn’t even Friday and it feels like I’m living this week the third time. And this week really isn’t that great that I would like to relive it ever again.

But OMG, this morning I was the happiest person in this hole goddam planet, cause… IT WAS SNOWING! Winter is the best! And I missed snow so badly (folks, ya know. Here, in Germany, in the region where I live it doesn’t snow a lot and in Canada, were I was the past year and where my heart is and forever will be it snows a shitton! That’s only one little thing that makes Canada to the best place you could think of). I was Soo happy. Almost disgusting how good my mood was. I was smiling so much. Urg, I hate happy people. I hate optimism.

But, after my happy peak school began and my mood dropped as fast as the snow fell on my face just minutes ago (wow, that’s hella poetic, hihii).

1st blog: Philosophy 2nd blog: Geography 3rd blog: I had my exam (it.. went okay, I guess) 4th blog: German

Exciting day, isn’t it? Philosophy was pretty nice actually. Cause Everytime I was about to think of new ways to kill myself I could just look out of the window and see the snow falling peacefully and dipping the world in a beautiful fairytale.

Then it stopped snowing, my happy time was officially over and I turned back to the Grinch I am.

My exam was.. fine I guess. Not as bad as I expected it to see. I just noticed that everytime I looked at the clock to see how much time I got left my teacher looked at me. That’s.. creepy.. but.. okay. My teacher’s cute. (The teacher is like mid-twenties, so he isn’t like 50 years old.)

That’s.. it I guess. My days are lame. I’m a lazy fat ass teenage girl. Today I ate way too much (I have an ED so every tiny bit I eat is too much, but today I REALLY EAT TOO MUCH. I wanna vomit. I wanna vomit out my food, my feelings, my heart, my life.)

And.. I miss my best friends. I miss Phine. I miss Potato. They are still there but.. they really aren’t. Potato sleeps all day and lives through the night. I just miss him so badly. I wanna see him again.. I just miss him. (We live 6h apart from each other) I wanna smell his parfume again, I wanna feel his arms around my waist again after our long arguments who’s sleeping next to the wall. I miss his hand holding mine. I miss him. Our lifestyles are just so different.. he is the badboy with no job, doing and selling drugs etc.. and I am just.. this depressed teenage girl that isn’t even able to eat properly. But hey.. probably we’ll see each other in December. Hopefully.. I really can’t do much longer without him being physically close to me.

And I miss Phine. She.. is.. just not.. in my life anymore really. She’s got a boyfriend now. Btw I don’t know anything about him but his name.. so much about “best friend codex, you have to check out every guy u could possibly have a relationship with”. Yep. Maybe I’m just jealous, but it’s going on for month that I feel that way about her and shes with her boyfriend like a week. We’re just not the same as we’ve been. What happend to “P and A”? Do you even remember my name anymore, best friend?! Do you know I’m still out here, cutting my wrists open? Starving myself for days? Do even care?

Maybe that’s just all a big, quiet scream for help no one hears. Till the day I’m finally leaving this world forever to do my part in making this world a better place.

I’m like snow. I’m made of cold and rain. I’m quietly falling and falling and falling. And when I’ve reached the ground. The point there’s no rescue anymore I’m going to fall apart and melt slowly and noiselessly away.

And everyone’s watching but no one’s. realising

..bye Blamily. I already miss you, hun’s!

~ Fucckingprincess

Reblog if you're not homophobic

Every url that reblog’s will be written in a book and shown to my homophobic dad. 

#1 - 11/29/2017, Wednesday

Dear Tumblr.

I’m not too sure if I’m going to write this diary thing in englisch or in german. (I am German so it is my native language but I somehow wanna write in in englisch - and sorry for grammar, spelling, etc mistakes). Maybe, Probably, I’m going to do it in englisch and just throw here and there some random German stuff in. Yaay.

So. This is a diary entry. That means I’m supposed to talk about my day. LET US BEGIN.

Today was.. lame. I went to school, bored myself to death, got my way to expensive calculator for my math class and went to the barn. The barn was definitely my high light. I love my horse, haha, she’s amazing!

I didn’t do much today so.. SUCH A GREAT DAY TO BEGIN A DIARY THING. in public. on the internet. for everyone to access. Wow. Did I really thought this idea through? (In this point, if you, the person reading this right now, if you’re related to me in any way like family or if you’re one of my teachers. STOP THE FUCK READING. PLEASE. BUUUUT, If you’re my socials teacher you can continue reading. You rock!)

So, back to topic. I honestly did like nothing today. Such wow. I texted with my best friend (her name’s Phine and you might want to remember this cause she is hella important) and my.. yeeaaah. What exactly is he to me? He is some sort of friend, but we’re way too close to only be friends. I guess he’s some kind of “boyfriend-ish friend” (his name is Oliver. But I pretty much only call him Olli, Monkey, Beby/Honey or Potato. (Potato is the best way ever to name an adult 190cm tall man (that’s around 6'3) with a reaaaally man-ly beard who is like a living pack of muscles. But cute though!). Aaaand, I didn’t text Felix. Cause he didn’t text me. He left me on fucking read. That’s 11 hours ago. Friendships officially over. BAAAM. TAKE THIS, FELIX! LOOK, HOW INDEPENDENT I AM. Ha. I don’t need you! I already miss you though xD

So, yep. That’s pretty much everything ​that happend today and I guess I should explain somehow my life situation and why everything sucks as much as if does but.. I’m too lazy. So.. one day! Or at least that’s the plan. Probably there comes some weird thing anyway that kills all my plans. And dreams. And hopefully it also kills me.

I would like that.

I would like that a LOOOT.

I WOULD FIND THAT VERY GREAT! (This little voice thingie, that reads everything out, while typing (btw, that’s normal, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!), pronounced this sentence with the strongest German accent that’s possible. So, go, and read that sentence again, with the worst and strongest German accent and pronouciation you could possibly ever imagine. Thx. I do appreciate you’re afford. I really do. (This blog, diary thing is such an cooperative project. WOW. Just like.. a family project. So, you, yeah, you. Exactly you reading this right now. You’re a part of my Tumblr family now and this is OUR project. Congrats! And yep. My life is our project. AMAZING.))

Back to topic. My life sucks. And why?

Another reason my life sucks is.. I have an exam tomorrow and I don’t even know what topic it’s about. But honestly there’s no hope left for me getting an acceptable grade so I wouldn't even stress myself and study. Sounds like a good plan and I’m sure I’ll hate myself tomorrow for this even more than I already hate myself. Hahaa. Life’s great.

I’m not sure yet if I’m able to continue this diary, blog (okay. I have no clue how to call this so let’s just call it.. eeehm.. Bliary. Jep. Bliary. That sounds disgusting. It’s great!) So, I’m not sure if I gonna be able to continue this Bliary (^^) or if I will be active for like a week and never post a Bliary entry after this week ever again, but, LET US SEE.

(Wow. So many “us” and “we”. This is truly turning into a family project. WERE THE BLAMILY! Wow. This is great, haha!)

But on the end of this Bliary I came to the conclusion that my life still sucks and that I’m going to bed now.

So, good night, Blamily. I already miss you, hun’s! ❤

~ Fucckingprincess