4/2 - 10.20pm

Took me 23 years to realize how unlovable I am. Too flawed. I wouldn’t like myself either..

Anyways it’s been a year since I started this. Thank you, blog, being my friend. If there’s anyone out there who read everything, thank you for reading as well :)

13/12 - 8.40pm

Damn just realised that I an probably not gonna recover from this for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel life gets worse each passing day...

I don’t know who am I addressing this to. Whatever this is, I hope you’ll get me through this..

You may wonder, what do I mean by “this”? I don’t know either. Lmao. Feeling shitty everyday? Crying everyday? I guess

26/11 - 5.00pm

My dad shared with me a news article about a boy who passed away due to terminal illness.

As a parent he said that he felt sad while reading the article. I can tell that he is sad.

Losing a loved one is indeed a sad thing. (Everything about life is also sad, in my opinion)

As much as I want to disappear from this world, I do not want my parents to be sad over losing me. I’ll try my best to live my life to the fullest.

I don’t know how much longer I will live, but I’ll persevere as long as they are with me.

Ah, losing control of myself again... Sigh...

25/6 - 8.20PM

I have been scrolling through TikTok and I came across a video of this girl mentioning about her favourite pasta recipe. It wasn’t just a “recipe”. There’s a dark context behind it. 

After some searching, I found the full piece. It is a poem by Hannah Dains, titled “Don’t Kill Yourself Today”. I think the original work is a verbal poem by Hannah herself, but you can also read the written one here.

I cried when I first read it. I love it. It made me see life from a different perspective. It is the little things that keeps you alive.

I know no one else is reading this blog, but I am still going to publish this in case I need it in the future. If you are reading this and life hasn’t been good to you lately, do click on the links above.

It’s a bad day not a bad life. You’re doing great. Everything will be okay. I love you.

15/3 - 10.10PM

Hi. I haven’t been updating for almost 2 months now. Couple of reasons:

1) My workload is getting heavier. Which is good albeit stressful. I can take my mind off unnecessary things and focus on my work.

2) Things somehow got better...but it fell apart badly later on. It’s like me trying to glue together the shattered glass pieces, only to break it again and now it is shattered into even smaller pieces. It’s beyond repair. Guess it’s time to throw away the entire thing and stop fretting over fixing it ever again.

School is still a struggle. It is not easy to not let your personal emotions take over. There were several occasions where I really wanted to request for a break on my end. But this type of request is unusual and ... Honestly I couldn’t open up to make that request.

I’m having trouble sleeping lately. My sleeping patterns are weird. I could fall asleep from 8PM and wake up at 12MN. And stayed awake until the sun comes up. Then I’ll fall back asleep at 7AM. That does not mean I wasn’t tired though. I can freaking tired. Now that I have completed my mid-terms and proposal presentations, I spent the entire weekend stuck to my bed, falling in and out of sleep. I did nothing. I could not bring myself to do something.

Today is Sunday. I started crying at the thought of Monday. Yet another week to go through... I hate this constant cycle of “trying to pull this through”. It’s like running a race without a finishing line. Where is the finishing line?

22/1 - 2.50PM

Woke up at 6.30am and god, I’m so tired. Why am I always tired?

And I hadn’t had my first meal yet. Yes I’m hungry but I’m on a diet haha.

I feel that after being alone for more than 2 hours, my mind starts to go into chaos mode.

My eyes were swollen. Is it from too much crying last night? Or due to lack of sleep? I feel sad again

22/1 - 3AM

I couldn’t sleep. I’m so sick of this insomnia. I have to wake up at 6.30AM, which is in 3.5 hours. I am sick of my dark eye circles. I am sick of crying. I am sick of overthinking. Just sick of everything.

========

I had a briefing for a job today and their office was rather far from the mrt. During the 20min walk I thought alot. I thought about the bad stuff, like the hurtful words I have said to others, the sinister feelings that I have felt, my uncertain future, even death. I think about death alot. Till the point I just cried walk walking because my life really felt meaningless.

19/1 - 12.30AM

I got to admit that I do not have a good mental health history. Had a bad wave about 4 years ago. I have really bad self-esteem and I am easily affected by others around me. It got better after a couple of years, though not fully healed.

I didn’t dare to bring this up to anyone as I am afraid of what they will think. Will they think that I am weird? Depressed? Sensitive? Or attention-seeking? I don’t know, I just want to look normal. And I do not label myself as depressed - I have never seen a doctor or gotten a diagnosis. I am clueless about my situation right now. But I know for sure that I don’t feel great.

I get anxious easily. But fortunately I am good at hiding them. I get social anxiety as well. With my quiet nature I find it difficult to start a conversation. But as I grow older I realised I HAVE to speak up no matter how much I hated it. I had to force myself. Which is why I love it when I get to spend time alone. It’s a way for me to recharge my ‘battery’ and get ready for the next social interaction. 

My favourite thing to is to just lie down comfortably and have my earpiece plugged in, listening to music. I enjoy music. I enjoy any kinds of music. I have a habit of falling asleep while listening to music. I like to fall asleep this way. It’s way better than overthinking. Oh did I mention? I overthink alot whenever I am alone. Most of the time they are negative thoughts. Once it starts, it’s hard to stop. I call them Dark Hours.

That’s why I love to listen to music. It calms me down. It blocks off the rest of the world. It’s just me and my music. 

Should I end the post here? I am in a mood to share but I have to do my school work. I guess I will be back soon.

19/1 - 12AM

First post. How should I feel about this? ...

I hesitated alot. Is this the right time to do this? Should I EVEN create this? I honestly don’t know. I’ll just follow my gut feeling. I have no other choice anyway. I have no one to talk to.

No wait - correction. I do have people whom I can talk to. I have the nicestfamily and friends. The only problem is me. I couldn’t speak up. It’s hard to piece my words together if I have to open up to someone. Besides, I feel bad. I feel bad for sharing my problems and ruin their happy mood. It is easy to give their attention to me, but it is hard for them to give their fullest. It is also difficult to comfort someone else. They are bad at it. I am bad at it. We are all bad at it. We are not psychics and I understand that. I don’t want them to struggle in order to make me feel better.

Typing out my thoughts are way better as I do not have to open my mouth at all. The brain does the spontaneous work. :) There. I have found a good reason to continue. This platform will be my therapist.