what is home?

It's no longer as simple as geographical terms. When I worked at Surabaya, going back to West Java was all I think about. I knew that after 2 years working far from my family and friends that I need to go back to them. I was so fortunate that I got 4 jobs offer to working in Jakarta whereas near my hometown. At last, I chose Tokopedia as my next career destination where I just spend 7 months working there before I work at my current place right now.

But then I realized, it's the PEOPLE who make me feel home, regardless of where. Those warm feeling, those hug, kisses, where now I'm no longer felt even though geographically I already where I wanna be. Home, it's not a matter of where anymore, but rather of whom.

And I miss my home.

-220121,00.58-

04122020

Kembali kubuka karena akhirnya ku merasa perlu, ku merasa sepi, ku merasa butuh wadah untuk mengungkap.

Mari kembali tenggelam: dengan frasa frasa yang berteriak kencang dibenak yang tak kunjung juga meradang.

Things have changed (II)

4 juni 2019 merupakan hari terakhir berpuasa di tahun ini. Yeah, sudah 2 tahun berturut turut gw menghabiskan mayoritas dari hari berpuasa di luar kota Bandung. Tahun ini kerasa banget mudiknya, karena gw pulang ke bandung dengan membawa mobil sendiri. 10 jam perjalan dari surabaya ke bandung lewat tol trans jawa, lancar pol haha, bahkan lebih cepat dibandingkan naik kereta. Mungkin ini nggak bakal jd kali terakhir gw untuk pulang ke bandung menggunakan mobil dari surabaya.

ATAU bahkan sebenarnya gw mempunyai opsi untuk tidak harus kembali mudik dengan jarak yang jauh. Seperti yang sudah gw bilang d postingan sebelumnya, gw sudah mendapatkan tawaran untuk bekerja di jakarta. Sejauh ini offeringnya menarik. Bisa jadi di tahun ini gw akan kembali ke jawa barat, jakarta jabodetabek tepatnya. Yaa tapi satu hal yang pasti, terlepas dari apapun keputusan gw, masih ada malang yang harus gw selesaikan sampai nanti bulan juli.

Satu hal mencolok yang juga berubah dari gw adalah berat badan. Yeah, I gain more weight hahahaha. Tp sayangnya semua lemak berkumpul di perut bagian bawah, jd terlihat buncit waka waka. Ini semua faktor gw udah nggak pernah lagi melakukan olahraha secara rutin, terlalu bnyk menghabiskan waktu dengan duduk di atas kursi. Well, semenjak role gw berubah gw sudah tidak lg dituntut harus bnyk bergerak setiap harinya di warehouse sih, jadi beginilah efeknya ~

Btw gw sangat menantikan lebaran tahun ini. Memang ya, semakin kita jauh dari rumah, ketika pulang setiap waktunya sangat berharga. Apalagi di momen2 seperti lebaran dimana keluarga besar bisa berkumpul semua. Terkait berbagai pertanyaan sensitif yang akan ditujukan nanti sih gw nggak masalah, nggak mau jg dibawa ribet.

Well then, I gotta go. Harus segera ke stasiun untuk menjemput wa ine. See y'all later!

things have changed (I)

Yeap, banyak hal. Mulai dari tujuan, idealisme (berhubungan dengan pekerjaan), kebiasaan, makanan dan minuman favorit, selera lagu, hingga ke outfit.

Rokok bukan lagi menjadi sebuah candu yang harus selalu ada ku hirup setiap harinya, ditambah lagi kontribusi bulan puasa yang mengurangi 60% dari potensi waktu yang bisa kuhabiskan untuk mengisapnya. Sekarang sekiranya memulai untuk merokok bahkan setelah selesai makan (terutama buka puasa), tidak ada lagi rasa selain pahit di mulut. Bisa dibilang 2 hingga 3 minggu terakhir ini menjadi sebuah pencapaian yang cukup baik dimana jumlah nikotin yang kuhirup berkurang sangat banyak.

Selain itu, ritual meminum kopi sebelum memulai pekerjaan (semacam kangen juga sama kopi racikan Mas Jun yang selalu tersedia pagi hari di meja kantor) yang tidak berjalan selama bulan puasa ini membuat kenikmatan meminum kopi pun berkurang. Baru saja malam ini (setelah 2 minggu tidak mengkonsumsi kopi hitam sama sekali) ku meminum kopi, meeeeeh nggak ada enak-enaknya sama sekali.

Tepatnya memasuk bulan April, spotifyku banyak dihiasi oleh lagu lagu yang bergenre folks, acoustic, indie, slow rock/pop, dan semacamnya. Entahlah, mungkin memang karena keadaan yang sedang seperti ini, rasa rasanya hidup terasa diiringi dan dilengkapi oleh nada nada mereka.

Satu hal yang cukup baru adalah dimana sekarang aku tidak lagi begitu banyak menonton film serial, dimana lebih banyak kuhabiskan waktu menontonku dengan melihat mini film di youtube. Mini film seperti Sore, Janji, Filosofi Kopi, Nic & Mar, dan semacamnya banyak membantuku dalam menghabiskan waktu menunggu berbuka puasa. Dan yang jelas, film-film (mini) ini membuatku banyak mengenal lagu yang tidak dapat kutemukan di spotify seperti lagu simon adams dengan far awaynya, marion grace dengan when you are nearnya, kuntoaji dengan I’ll find younya, dan lain2. Yang jelas, film - film (mini) ini tak kalah dalam hal mengaduk emosi bila dibandingkan dengan film-film drama yang biasa kita lihat di bioskop ataupun serial-serial lainnya.

Pekerjaan? Baik baik saja, bahkan aku baru saja mendapatkan kenaikan gaji (hahaha yeah) dan ya sangat bersyukur karena semua hal itu. Namun entah kenapa, panggilan untuk kembali ke Jawa bagian Barat malah semakin menguat. Ternyata memang, motivasi bekerja karena uang tidak begitu mempengaruhi diriku (setidaknya untuk saat ini) hahaha. Well, opportunity aku untuk kembali pulang ada, tapi ya kita lihat semuanya nanti setelah lebaran.

Banyak lagi hal yang berubah, dari diriku sekarang. Mungkin nanti, di lain waktu, akan kembali ku paparkan disini. Well, see you when I see you.

self realization

Life is funny. Sometimes the only way for you to protect something/someone is to stay away from them.

Because somehow, at some point you just have to realize and accept the fact that you might be their source of misery.

When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.

Maria, from Eleven Minutes

semenjak itu.

Aku kembali mencoba memetakan kepingan kepingan halusinasi yang dulu sempat dikarang hanya sekedar untuk memuaskan imaji. Untuk aku yang tenang, tidak harus menunggu kembali terang. Setiap detik yang perlahan hangus bersama dengan hembusan yang tidak pernah sesak dirasa karena keduanya seirama mengisi.

Dulu aku mengelabui rasa takut dengan bertindak aman sehingga tidak harus berurusan dengan kegagalan yang lalu berubah menjadi ucapan nasihat tentang pelajaran pelajaran dari sebuah kesalahan. Aku menuju ke suatu, yang terkadang hanya menyajikan tempat dimana diam dan egoku saling bersetubuh sehingga aku diselimuti ragu.

Semenjak itu semuanya berubah. Yang mungkin dulu adalah nyamanku, sekarang adalah bisaku. Yang mungkin dulu adalah pitamku, sekarang adalah adiksiku.

Karawang, 15032019.

Ketika hujan memintaku sadar akan rapuhnya benak ini sekarang.

We do have limits in life. Sometimes we try to fight for something that cant be won, but we still go for it. Sometimes we try different way to solve the same problems but still ended up fail.

So life, lets get back to the basic; Waiting for something that might be worth to try. At least this time will be different, because some certainty would appeared in the end.

I always like this kind of place. Not too crowded and people who come into this kind of place only focusing on what they do. Some of them might be doing something that also interests you: reading books, discussing something that (not accidentally) overheard-ed by you, etc. 

This kind of places reminding me of Bandung. Just this afternoon my mentor told me about his meeting in Bandung. I hope it going well so there might be an opportunity for me to come home, for good. But whatever happens in the next few month, I’m grateful for what I have now. Lets just enjoy every single second.

Partner

As time goes by, the definition of the word has been changed. First of all I knew it as a team mate in football. I used to play football a lot in elementary school and I always play with exactly same person in my team. People now us as a golden-couple (pasangan emas), inspired by one of popular anime at that time. He's always been my partner. We won games together, lost games together.

When I hit my high school, I started to have girlfriends. Partner means girlfriend (lover). We watched movies together, went into some mall, even attend class together. We spent some times in school and having a nonstop chatting at night (ended when one of us fallen asleep).

Then come college time. My first 3 years at my university I spent most of my time with my friends, more like my bros. We skipped class together, went into internet cafe together, even slept together (even we had our own place to sleep). I have a solid bonding with them, until now. Even after I left my home town, they still frequently come into my house to have a chit chat with my parents and see how they doing.

And now here comes the time when the words has an abstract meaning. But one thing for sure, the word partner has become harder to be defined. It gets more complex. It's not just about fulfilling your emotions, sometimes your physical and mentally neediness. I started to think about having partner for not just about this temporary moment but also for my future. In simple term, someone you want to get married.

I once told one of my friend about my criteria of my future wife. I told her that I want my wife to spend most of her time in home, taking care of the children. Sadly, before I finish the statement and explain the detail about my criteria, she already said that it's too harsh for the girl who also want to pursue her career. Then our discussion ended.

I never said that I forbid my wife to have a career. To be honest, I WANT my Wife to have HIGHER EDUCATION LEVEL if she wanted too. Taking her master degree or even Ph.D. I want her to have a successful career so one day she could become a great and the best role model for our children. I want her to do exactly what she wants to do as long it has a positive impact for her. Happy wife, happy children, happy family. I want her to do all those things before finally she has to focus on taking care of our kids. I want my wife become the greatest teacher that my children ever had and she wont the one if she doesn't get any chance to do all those things. I might be come from a conservative family but doesnt mean I should become one.

Well so I came into conclusion that time can change the definition of word. One thing for sure, I almost past whole of my life time having some partner to face this fucking (yet) great life. Nevertheless I tend to keep moving with or without any partner, as I have done it for the last several months before 2019. So lets hit it.

quarter life crisis

Everyone will come into this phase. Some of them pass through without any problems and some might not. Either because heartache, losing job, losing trust, or losing of your loved one.

And now here I am, having some struggle now. I might not as strong as I used to, at least for now. There were some time when I thought I have passed through it but it wasn't. It turned out they were just the beginning.

Since I left my hometown, I knew that I'm gonna face many kind of risks I've never got before. Far from my best friends, partner, parents, your annoying sister, were the easiest from the worst part haha. But after all the hard months, year later I did it. I survived.

I thought after my survival at the first year gonna make everything easier. I was wrong. There were many new things happened and came into my life, good one also bad one. But all these new things were the consequences of my acts. I'm not always making a right calls but at least I'm facing it. Because I know, in the end I'm gonna pass it, like I always do. No matter how deep the scars, how rough the pain, how tricky the maze now.

Take a break, they said. Appreciate yourself more. Go watch movies, read a book, go to the beach, have a nice food, even if you have to do it by yourself. Or maybe for me, it's time to rethink again about my plan. You have done well so far in this place. I started to think maybe now is the right time for you come back to your home town or maybe somewhere near it.

Well, let's making a new plan then. More risks, for what is worth, for what is worst.

re-open the dusty pages(s)

hi there, wanna start over?

Lets.

“Even though I wish, I could go farther more Even though I wish, we could have something more Guessed that we lost, this battle we fight for But still we hope that we'll win this war Kiss me, sing me the song of goodbye Through the heartache, It doesn't have to be so sad So sad 

Even though I wish, I could go farther more”

and honesty, I’m still wishing.   

valentine

A: Aku rindu.

B: Aku pun.

-fin-

------------------------

and that was my friends, his most sweetest yet saddest love story ever.

The hottest love has the coldest end

Socrates. Goodbye my blog, soon will be deleted

Postingan ke 4500, dan yang terakhir

Ini memang momen yang sudah saya pikirkan dari lama hingga pada akhirnya momen ini datang. Blog yg sudah ada sejak 2010 diputuskan untuk dihentikan hahaha. Ya it's been great, blog ini sudah bnyk sekali menemani saya melewati momen momen penting dalam hidup. 8 tahun hidup saya bnyk dihabiskan dsini. Tapi akhir akhir ini (sudah saya rasakan semenjak 1.5 tahun yg lalu) media sosial terlalu bnyk mengisi waktu di hidup saya dan tidak semuanya menjadikan saya lbh baik. Tapi blog ini g bkl saya hapus, hanya akan saya biarkan saja tergeletak, terpojok, dan terpapar di dunia maya. Terima kasih atas waktunya selama ini, saya msh akan bisa ditemui di beberapa media sosial.

This is the end of frasariefiandi.

And might be the start of something new. See ya

Story for rainy days #4:

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. 

-anon