a person who constantly needs to you to comfort them because they are So Hurt is definitely a bit of a weird power fantasy. I get the desire of being paid attention to and be always comforted and reassured if you're someone with a terribly low self-esteem but tbh, it's really just another manifestation of selfishness if not straight up narcissism.

healing someone from their insecurity, making some sad sack your personal pet project to cure with endless love and reassurance is only charming when it's not real.

having to hold someone's hand all the time means you have no hands left to hold your own. and nothing quite makes me smell blood in the water like someone who realises that they can endlessly prey on another person's compassion by using the waterworks and negative self-talk. i have no problem with helping someone obviously down, in the past i've done it the the point of mental illness, basically, making myself drown with the drowner, but these days my compassion runs out quickly. you might not even realise you're doing it, but your friends' and family's job is to get you back up, not carry you by the strength of their back. you have to do the actual walking by yourself, you don't get to have your validation fix by crying and manipulating people every time you feel bad about yourself.

not to mention the thing with open negative self-talk is that when people around you start getting tired of having to talk you up when you talk yourself down, people around you will start thinking the same things about you as yourself. why should they think otherwise? you're telling them what to think of you, and you're not acting in any way that would make these people think that you're not actually the manipulative, needy colossal fuck-up that you think you are, whose every sentence either begins with 'I' or contains the word 'me'.

i've put out so much art (for me anyway, the 5-year-burnout) in april i'm dead scared that the rest of the year's going to be another drought.

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also the amount of anti-Ukraine shit i've started to see on my feeds across social media platforms i use is interesting. suddenly we've gone from supporting Ukraine to painting Russia and their imperialist goals as 'fight against western imperialism?'

thanks, man. a millennium of being ravaged by various imperialist powers, germans, danes, swedes, russians (multiple times) and others, and now we're being told that it's actually we that are the imperialists.

guess we'll just roll over and die? again? and this from people i've followed for half a decade. young, smart people.

what's happening? it's like the moment Israel went in swinging on palestinians, suddenly russian aggression is just... what? Russia fighting for the freedom of marginalised peoples?

imperialism is imperialism. imperialism has one goal in mind, and imperialism is bad, no matter whose imperialism it is. there isn't an imperialist power in the world who spreads their weapons and might around with the intention of securing other people's freedom: the only goal of imperialism is to spread violently and subjugate or subsume lesser powers. imperialism is antithetical to freedom and the right of a people to self-determination. end of.

tbh i'm actually looking into local jobs that are mostly physical. doesn't have to pay much at all, but i just feel most zen when working with body rather than brain. this leaves enough opportunity for me to sit on my arse and draw, while getting my fitness in, some money, and most importantly, dump excess energy, which as adhd-hi i have plenty even when i'm bloody tired.

it's just good balance. and like i said, i like being able to turn my brain off and just let the body do the labour, it knows what it's doing.

i just don't know how it's gonna work out for me in belgium. probably gonna look up flemish job providers as i'm taking the language as a part of the immigrant programme, and i already studied dutch in university. still, i'm a 'trailing spouse', and not from a wealthy country, i'm a dirty little eastern european and expats from less desirable/prestigious countries seem to have a difficult time here.

we'll see what options are available.

filled daikon_sai's character request on reddit.

filled daikon_sai's character request on reddit.

ngl if i can't sell sketches even for 8 eur a pop anymore, i get 'in this economy' but from a certain point on it starts chipping away at even my own pretty ironclad confidence and sense of competence.

disclaimer: this isn't a guilt trip post, this is a sad musing driven by having no income in this not-my-home-country and finding out that the one marketable skill i have earns me zilch, and it makes me worried. and a bit insecure, wondering if i'm vastly overrating my own skill.

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4/15/24

In character, how would your wol(oc) profess love?

harrier du bois but not in daybreak palette because adhd told me to take my intentions and go fuck myself

was anthem really worth throwing under the bus for DA4 as of today?

the gentle spring breezes