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Sir, That's My Emotional Support Sword
whitehusky00
WhiteHusky00
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There's a bunch of adhd advice out there that's like "people with adhd tend to work better under deadlines due to the anxiety so here are ways to artificially induce a stress response in order to get you to get work done" and it's like well what if I don't want to be stressed out all the time in order to function
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From the book Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD:
Putting a coat on the back of a chair by the door is fine, but if you prefer, use coat hooks and a large catch-all basket for dropping keys, hats, gloves.
Small bookcase end-table next to the couch to store craft projects, books, and other things being worked on for easy access.
Add a storage unit near the dining room table to transition between eating and working there.
Daily toiletry items should be stored in a basket that you can move easily
Extra toiletries and medicine cabinet items go in open shelf/basket storage so they can be seen and used easily. If items no longer fit, purge the excess. Don't obscure the view!
If you disrobe in the bathroom, place a tall hamper in there.
Keep a set of cleaning supplies in each bathroom
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“Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family.”
— Unknown
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Dude when my social battery runs out there’s like no warning. I don’t get the 20% warnings it’s just I’ll be enjoying my time and then all of a sudden if one more word is spoken I’m going to kill myself and everyone around me.
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Yesterday before working I ordered a large Dirty Chai instead of a medium and man did that fuck me right up.
First thing I noticed after about an hour of finishing the drink was that my hands were shaking. And I literally shook until well after I ate lunch. Like I even tried to not shake, and tried to control it but I couldn't. My mind was a mess too. I wasn't just shaking, my mind was buzzing as well which is pretty scary.
Made me feel like I forgot to take my meds for a while there.
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So, over 12mths ago I was working at the Bathurst 1000 for a staffing group who hire and send people where they need to go. I'd never worked the 1000 or any of the races before so I was quite nervous and didn't know where I was going or where anything was. I was escorted by my boss to one of the corporate rooms and introduced to the room's supervisor who told me the lay of the land for that particular room. All's going well, I begin to settle in until she asks me if I can make coffee's.
Now, I can make coffee - dad has a coffee machine and has taught me how to make coffee to what he likes and a few other things that he's learnt over the years, but in terms of being an actual trained Barista I am not.
When this was revealed to the supervisor of this particular room, the way she rounded on me, made me feel like everything was my fault. I felt terrible for not having a qualification that I'd never considered having nor told my boss I had in the first place. I was absolutely gutted and the rejection I felt cut really deep and until I was moved to another room by my boss, I was holding in tears from this supervisor. I remember messaging a close friend group in tears and talking to my parents later that afternoon (after I'd been moved to another corporate room with a different supervisor who was absolutely amazing) in tears because of the RSD I felt that morning.
This unravelled all within 30-40mins, (first 25-30mins I was helping to set up that room, then all was revealed). I was absolutely fucking crushed and felt very unwanted.
RSD sucks.
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Things my ADHD made me do.....today's edition........
I COULDN'T MAKE A FUCKING DECISION
All I was doing was whether/to do the jobs for work (I can opt out if they're not needed) and which order to complete them in. In one building I open all doors, THEN get the bins and wipe the tables, then vacuum/mop if necessary. Another building, I unlock doors and do the bins then wipe tables, then vacuum. The third building is usually a shit show so I have to do everything BUT I was paralyzed. I couldn't decide what the fuck to do.
At the court house there are cameras, I fell over 3 times in the span of 2 hours and it's ALL caught on camera FML.
Before I got to my other job this afternoon I was walking by my chemist and I had a script, I don't need it to be filled yet but after I walked past the chemist I thought, no I should hand that in so I don't lose it. Then after not even 5 steps back up the small slope towards the chemist I decided that I would not lose it and to just go grab my coffee and head to work.
Can I just make ONE fucking decision without second guessing myself for FUCKS sake.
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I think I was about 13/14 and I came home from an incredibly exhausting weekend possibly with my nan and pop, I don't really remember. It was during the school holidays, the Christmas one and I got home only to turn around and go straight with my aunt and cousin to their house for a few days. No time to process things, no time to unpack and repack, no time for anything other than to jump out of one car and into the next.
I exhibited a lot of outward anger and frustration and neither my mum or my aunt could figure out what was wrong. I remember my aunt reminding me that going with her wasn't a bad thing and I wasn't going to be harmed or in any danger. My mum I don't really remember anything she said, but I remember it took me a while to release the frustration and anger before I was then calm enough (tho I think I was still crying a little) and able to go with my aunt and cousin for the few days.
That was the most prolific example of misplaced anger. Cause I wouldn't have been angry about going with my aunt and cousin, my cousin and I get on like a house on fire, I would have been angry at having to hide my ADHD behaviours for a long amount of time. At that age I would have been learning what everyone in my family seemed acceptable behaviours (and absolutely nothing I would have been doing around my nan would have been acceptable at all).
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So I remember this quite vividly. One time as a kid, I must have been between 8 to 10 years old, my god parents were travelling to see us. I was super excited, I probably hadn't seen them in a while, and I got so physically hyperactive that I was sliding across the floor on my socks super super fast.
I remember I slid down the hallway into the open plan living area and I couldn't stop quick enough so I crash landed into a chair.
I think I got in trouble for it. But I was so excited to see my family and I needed to let the energy out.
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Things my undiagnosed ADHD has made me do, todays edition:
I couldn't remember the name of a venue I've eaten at once with my parents, but I could remember every other detail of the buildings, businesses, road and landmarks that surround it. And when told the name of one of the places that I was describing that is near the venue I couldn't remember, the lady my mum and I were talking to gave me a strange look cause she knows that I know the name of that place. But in the moment I remembered nothing except the general landmarks.
I forgot the town name of Stockton and instead called it Scotland. (At least I got the first letter right :/ )..........fuck was it the town I forgot or the venue name Scratchleys I forgot................I'm pretty sure I forgot Stockton............it was definately Stockton.
For dinner, I ordered what I thought was this (braised beef, mash and veg):
But the menu read 'twice cooked pork with rice and beans' which for some reason I thought was the above.
Instead what was brought out to us, was this:
I was mad. I looked at it and said to myself, that's not what I ordered. I then looked over to my dad's plate (as we had ordered the same meal) and it was the direct above as well. I snagged a look at the menu again and it clicked that pork looks like this and the other thing that I actually wanted to eat was called braised beef.
The pork was amazing so I am glad I didn't raise a stink about it - which I was planning on doing.
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if you’re ever sad look at this
or this
instead of being mad at someone watch stitch cuddle with a pillow
shhhh don’t cry look at stitch !!!
NO SADNESS !!! NO NO !! STITCH !!
stitch doesn’t want u to be sad !!
pls don’t be sad
PLS
stitch loves you stay safe
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Now to high school where I was bullied by teachers and students alike 🙃
Year 7 (age 12)
I struggled with exams, so I was encouraged to do more exam prep
"needs to work on communicating ideas clearly through applying greater detail to all tasks"
Still needed to ask questions during class
"continued diligence in the preparation of written work, may help her to improve her results in the future"
"she is encouraged to organise herself to complete work and ensure it is handed in for marking on time" - get hecked Mrs Sidney nobody liked you
"Continued application towards the work, may help her to improve her knowledge of history"
Year 8 (age 13)
"to improve her grades she should concentrate on completing her assessment tasks to a higher standard, paying greater attention to detail"
"she is a conscientious and consistent worker, who demonstrates quiet determination"
"she is encouraged to persist with her efforts in class, ensuring that she also regularly revises work at home" - no cause I need the hands on aspect of science which I can't get at home cause dangerous chemicals and chemical reactions
"to improve her result, she needs to ensure she reads the requirements of assessment tasks carefully and asks questions, if unsure"
I was encouraged to follow a revision program in religious studies but I think the topic we were doing just didn't interest me all that much
"she will share responses in class discussion when asked"
I went overboard in wood tech and tried to build a water wheel that was too complicated with the limited resources we had in class. My teachers comment : "she designed a very innovative water wheel project, which unfortunately proved too be too difficult to build, with the limited resources available. She could improve her results by anticipating and overcoming potential problems, and by organising her written responses into paragraphs, so that her thoughts are more easily followed"
Year 9 (age 14)
I hated this year, I was in a class where I was bullied consistently (due to the year prior having a shit teacher for english and this year being shoved into the lowest english class) so my teachers comment for english was "she is a capable student who expresses a genuine desire to do well in this subject." - cause I was being bullied and wanted out and you did fuck all about it
By one teacher I was - "she is encouraged to more actively contribute to classroom discussions"
By another teacher I was - "she would benefit from greater participation in class discussions and seeking assistance when required
By my ag studies teacher I - "worked consistently well in prac and theory tasks, completing them quietly and efficiently at all times. She could develop her practical skills and enjoyment by having more confidence in her ability" - I loved this teacher, he was so chill
"she is encouraged to become more involved during class discussions" - maybe I didn't need to say any more miss cause I agreed with everything that had already been said, did you think about that ?? (My music teacher)
"she is encouraged to work more slowly and accurately, so her work better reflects her understanding"
"greater participation in class discussions would have been beneficial at times" - I'm pretty sure I was being bullied in PDHPE as well in this year and the next
This is also the year where my mother wanted to get me tested by the learning support group - I felt very daunted, dumb and pressured when walking into this particular room cause of the bullying, but I do what I am told. I'm just going to add a photo of the results cause fucking hell there's ADHD traits hidden here THAT WERE LITERALLY IGNORED UNTIL NOW
Fucking hell. Next
Year 10 (age 15)
"continued effort and consistent revision may help her improve her results in future"
"She could further benefit from asking questions in class when she is unsure of a topic" - and get literally bullied and harassed before you Mrs hell the fuck no
"She could have benefited from seeking additional feedback prior to the completion and submission of assessment tasks"
"she displays a keen interest in many areas of science and often adds an extra dimension to classroom discussions"
Year 11 (age 16)
"is a generally engaged student who completes most tasks with interest" - says the assistant principal about a subject that doesn't count towards my ATAR score
"she will engage in discussion, with encouragement" - cause I'm sick of everyone's bullshit
Year 11 and 12 were pretty much all about studying for the final exams. And I have no idea where my year 12 report cards are nor if we got any in that year. But again, I was tired, stressed and depressed in the final 2yrs of school so those 2 report cards wouldn't say all that much.
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Going through my old files from when I was a kid (all written by other adults such as teachers, day care staff etc) to see what I can find about my ADHD as a kid (despite the face I'm a predominantly inattentive presentation....
The inattentive symptoms I'm looking for are:
Missing details and becoming distracted easily
Trouble focussing on the task at hand
Becoming bored quickly
Difficulty learning or organising new information
Trouble comoleting homework or losing items needed to stay on task
Becoming confused easily or day dreaming frequently
Seeming not to listen when spoken to directly
Difficulty following instructions
Processing information more slowly and with more mistakes than peers
Let's see what I find:
So as a 4yr old I was:
Confident in my own abilities and determined to complete tasks by myself
Displayed good organisational skills
Good at sharing
Creative (I literally made a noughts and crosses board by myself)
Proud of her achievements
It seems I was obsessed with practicing my counting skills (either on paper or outloud)
I was very curious about things
I could see the world differently than others ("held up an A4 piece of paper, grabbed a corner on each side and turned it sideways announcing 'Look, I've made a diamond paper'")
In Kindy (age 5) I was
Decently good at everything but didn't participate in all activities
I did struggle a bit with maths and 3d shapes
I seemed to be an average student (doing everything to the expected level, in written, verbal, social etc)
I was good at pattern recognition
I absolutely loved hands on activities
Good with musical concepts
Creative
I didn't complete tasks on time
Good at oeganisation
Completes homework
Year 1 (age 6)
Confident in my own abilities
Able to follow a sequence of instructions to complete an activity
Good problem solver
Good at following a scientific method and enjoyed hands on activities
Would also provide possible explanations for problems
"She enjoys doing neat, careful work and has realised the need to work more quickly"
Getting really good at reading
"she can add and subtract numbers using a range of mental strategies and concrete materials"
Good at sorting and organisation
"she makes artworks about real and imagined experiences using different materials and techniques"
Something happed between the two halves of this year - this is where I go from an semi active member of the classroom (verbally and socially) to a quiet student (one who still asks questions when needed)
Year 2 (age 7)
"participate in class discussions when called upon" x2
"shows confidence when speaking in front of the class"
"will usually use capital letters and fill stops in writing" x2
Uses mental strategies more than written strategies for maths
"keen to try her best and learn new skills in physical education (PE)"
"enjoys the opportunity to experiment while creating original artwork based on both real and imaginary things"
Really enjoyed singing
"finds it difficult to finish her work in the given time frame"
"able to follow a short sequence of instructions to complete an activity"
"will ask and answer questions to improve understanding in class discussions" x2
My effort levels dropped drastically in all areas of schooling
"keen to undertake investigations to find out more about machines"
"she made an effort to get her work finished in the given time frame which has seen her work improve and her confidence increase
Year 3 (age 8)
"very quiet and conscientious student who works well within the class"
"she has put more effort into all school subjects and improving her pace with which she completes her class work"
"bookwork is beautifully presented and she takes great care with her handwriting" x2
"she is a gentle student who cares for her fellow peers"
"she effectively uses presentation skills such as eye contact, visual prompts and varying tone of voice"
"she can explain the mental strategy used to solve a problem and selects strategies to check her answer"
When using/exploring google maps "has been able to suggest possible explanations for differences in the computer image to the present day appearance"
"she participates with enthusiasm in regular physical activity and has been encouraged to recognise that it can be both enjoyable and important for her health along with a healthy balanced diet"
"she is a good student who always tries hard and displays a most cooperative and helpful nature"
"she has increased the pace in which she completes classroom tasks"
"I would like to see her continue with her home reading and table practice to support her learning"
This year we also had the NAPLAN tests (which sucked says high school me) but I did well above average for these in this year
Year 4 (age 9)
"she readily selects an appropriate strategy to solve problems and check the answer"
"she discussed comfortable and uncomfortable feelings and identified safe adults in her life" - why didn't my teacher include just a little bit more detail here (I'd really like to know what I said)
"she actively listens and interacts in games and roleplay in Indonesian"
"she is a polite and cheerful student who applies herself well to classwork"
"she is a wonderful role model to younger students and is always focussed and organised with her classwork"
"communicates confidently and effectively"
About an individual research project - "showed a pleasing amount of interest in her project and was able to create a sound display and was able to recall a lot of information from her own project when presenting a verbal report to her peers"
"able to identify positive qualities in herself and others and contributed to the list of helpful anti bullying strategies"
"Is a very helpful and friendly student"
"always applies herself well to all tasks and is has gained more confidence in asking for clarification when she does not understand an instruction or concept"
Year 5 (age 10)
"She is always well prepared, expressive and has interesting content"
"slowing her speech a little will enhance her talks even more"
About comprehension of set reading texts - "at times she does miss the point and her answer is amiss"
"she must ensure that she understands exactly what the questing is expecting"
"she is willing to try new procedures and is asking more often when she needs an aspect of her work clarified"
"her work [in maths] has become more consistent but at times she struggles with recall if terms or strategies but this is now becoming less frequent"
Works well in both group and individual situations
"she effective at fulfilling her tasks"
"she is able to recall most of the information from our government studies"
"although very quiet, she has participated well in discussions...this has continued to improve as her confidence builds"
"she is able to organise her thoughts and express herself well"
"she participates more frequently in classroom discussions and contributes quality comments and ideas"
"she is more willing to try alternate strategies and activities, albeit with some reservations at times"
"although she can be a little slow in completing tasks, her answers are fuller and more precise"
"she needs to be careful to keep her very good ideas well sequenced"
"she does need to ask more for assistance when needed"
"her recall of facts previously studied has been quite good"
"although she does participate in classroom discussions, this could increase"
"she is willing to try new things, albeit carefully, and is developing her individual skills to a higher level"
"she is a very valuable team member"
"she always gives 100%, is extremely dependable and has excellent work habits"
NAPLAN tests - I struggled in both the writing and English exama and was below average for my age group
Something again happened here maybe it was the fear of exams and the silence and the sitting still until the timeframe had passed
Year 6 (age 11)
"Her oral presentations are always well planned, precise, well delivered and interesting"
"she is always courteous when others are speaking, always aware of specific instruction and expectations given"
"misinterpretations of what questions are asking are less but still an area to be watched"
"her work efficiency is an area for concern"
"she has continued to show pleasing results in maths however she is not asking enough questions and this is restricting her progress. Her progress in lessons is very slow and this will need to be examined"
"she participates well in discussion, but can be a little reticent to do so." (Cause I got bullied by my classmates)
"she is very capable of tracking down information, retrieving the relevant sections and organising the data"
"She has a very positive work ethic and strives to do her best in all she does. An excellent model for her peers"
"she does need to be mindful to check her work to ensure all criteria have been fulfilled" - "in written work she communicates her ideas well, but must make sure she sticks to the point"
"she does participate well in discussions when drawn in, and when called upon confidently puts forward her views"
"she is very much the quiet achiever but also she has an extremely caring nature and is a good friend to her peers"
"she is reliable, courteous and dependable"
"she has the strength of character not to let others distract her but to stay focussed on the task at hand"
"her recall of facts has been excellent in all areas. Her time efficiency has improved and she is aware that this can be a challenge"
Right.....so that's it for primary school. I will be making another post about high school probably tomorrow. I am not tagging this as anything cause this is really only for me and I'll come back to this later
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My ADHD strikes again:
I was so hyper focused on reading my book that when I realised I left my phone on the passenger seat of my car. I was so annoyed and furious that I had to stop hyper focussing on the book to go get my phone.
When I got BACK to my book, I couldn't focus and was no longer interested in reading. Like my mind refused to read the words on the page and it was glarey outside and nothing was right.
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