2-26-19

Today I did yoga at 8 am. I went home afterwards and napped because I got very little sleep last night. When I woke up the friend I thought had abandoned me had sent me a text. They said "Call me some time so we can schedule a hang out! I'm sorry I've been MIA but let's talk!" I texted back apologizing for likely being annoying and asking if tonight at 7 would be fine and they said yes. The whole interaction was strange as I have note been able to get ahold of them since October and here they were offering to let me stay the night soon. I just assumed I was over thinking and cleared my calendar for the afternoon. I ate a beyond meat burger and then went to work until 5:30. I left and went to shake shack got a burger, fries, and a milkshake. I wasn't proud of this decision but I was hungry and wanted relatively quick gratification and impulsively bought the shake (which was a huge mistake as always). My stomach became upset but I pushed through it. There was a French cuisine cooking demo on campus that I really wanted to attend but knew I couldn't because of the impending call tonight. I finish my food and text my friend at 6:30. "Still cool if I call in 30 minutes?" No answer. I wait an hour before texting "I'm going to call soon?" Just in case she didn't see the first message. No answer. I finally just call. No answer. I tell her to just call me when she's ready. She never did. I can't say I'm incredibly surprised but I am still disappointed and a little frustrated I blocked off my evening to be stood up. It was a beautiful day and I could've gone for a walk or learned to cook something new. I organized my phone into groups and then arranged those groups alphabetically. That little bit makes me feel more accomplished. I also downloaded some rhythm and note apps to help me hopefully get the hang of what I'm learning in between cello lessons. I wish I had someone to cuddle with and warm my body. I'm very cold and my anemia is making it difficult to get warmer. I am not happy but I am not sad. Today is just a content neutral. I didn't log my calories and carbs because I knew I blew it with the fast food and I don't want to face those numbers. My dentist never emailed me my excuse note so my yoga grade is just going to stay low I suppose. I'm frustrated that my teacher conveniently lost the attendance sheet that proved I was there until the last 15 minutes. Tomorrow I must spend time practicing cello. I hope my shoulder doesn't mess up again. Thursday I have a therapy appointment but I'm not sure I'll be able to afford it.

Introduction

My entire life I have struggled with my weight and being happy with myself. A few years ago I lost a lot of weight, and while I still was overweight I was much happier. I kept the weight off for about 2 years with diet alone, but once I started working it started coming back on. It has been 2 years now and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I started college and my diet fell apart. Since the start of my college career this past August I have gained 30 pounds. I have gotten deep purple stretch marks and I feel awful. Of course I'm an advocate for being happy with who you are and loving your body, but seeing and feeling the changes in my body and my health are devastating (especially after finally losing so much weight beforehand). For the past year specifically I have been experiencing joint pain, extreme fatigue, and I developed anemia. Since starting college, I developed frequent gastrointestinal distress (which I only add because that is the last and most common symptom of Celiacs). Recently I took a DNA test that said I likely have Celiacs and I am currently working on getting this confirmed by a medical professional. I have always been out of shape and lazy. I hate exercise with a passion and these cold days have been willing me to stay inside and avoid it. Yesterday, I dragged myself to a beginner's yoga class and really enjoyed it. Since then I have been inspired to at the very least go to the free group fitness classes every week day (excluding every other Friday). I want to eat better and try to consume less gluten. I know I will probably fail both of these frequently in the beginning (especially since eating healthy is very difficult to do in a dorm), but I hope to eventually get into a routine. My goal is to be able to hold myself accountable with this, finally succeed and not lose my will, and to be able to look back and see my progress and be proud. I have also been having a rough time with my happiness and last night was the first time in a long time that I thought "I want to die" and honestly meant it. I know that this stems from my extreme lack of self worth, having someone that I am very close to abandon me out of the blue, and being in an abusive and toxic relationship for 3 years (only to be recently told I was never loved in the first place). For me this blog is not only for fitness, but also self discovery, self love, and self help. I understand that I have likely shared too much in this post alone, but like the title of this blog says, this is for me. My posts will always be me at my most raw and honest. I'm not asking anyone to follow along on my journey but maybe I can help someone or show them they are not alone while also healing myself.