10 de Febrero.

y después cuando desaparezca, no preguntes porque me fui busqué por ti, encontré puertas cerradas, vasos vacíos y corazones incompletos. Nunca pensé que algo así iba a doler, siempre pensé que conocía tu mirada desenfocada y sonrisa exótica solo que no me di cuenta que tenían fecha de caducidad. Que tres o seis años son nada y que el reloj nunca mide las veces que mi corazón latió ni menos las que se rompió y no cuajó cuando no sano y cuando las mentiras lo asesinaban. Cuando la despreocupación dolía tanto que se me olvidaron los colores que todo era neblina y la vida no se si seguía, yo envejecía pero sin arrugas que lo demostraran, crecía pero nadie lo veía, sonreía pero nunca fue real. Ni siquiera tú y tus promesas de nunca me iré, de no te preocupes si no soy como él, de nada va a cambiar aunque ella aparezca de nuevo ... Todo es vacío, todo está lleno, lleno de un salto al vacío con los ojos abiertos a un lugar que no tiene fin. Se siente el precipicio llegar a su comienzo y tu amor aún no suelta el vuelo.

.* Focus

you think that you are ready to take over the world but you are not.

you think that he is going to be by your side but he is not.

you think that  promises were made but they were not.

you think that she is going to be temporary but she is not.

you think that you are going to cray but you are not.

you think that someone is going to understand but they are not.

you think that for once, just this time, he is going to stay but he is not.

you think that for once, they are going to care but they are not.

you though that you were strong but you are not, not now, not ever.

when somebody new appears, old wounds appear too the fear of you letting me alone arises the fear of being left behind arises the ugliness of the dark days arises

all this remind me that i do not know how to deal with me, my life, my environment when things change, get out of control and that is all i have since i can remember.

CONTROL

over everything, the things i want, the things i do not want, the things that i own and the things that i do not, the things that i believe, the things that i choose to love.

and i chose you, over my own control. over the only thing that i had with me since the begining of who i am.

that is why is so hard to see and to feel how you change over some senseless person. They come and go baby, don´t get attached. 

even though you don´t have any idea of what my past is, you are paying the price of all my insecurities and all my failures.

i don´t know how to tell you that without sounding like a crazier version of myself ... that is why you will never know, as nobody will ever tell you because no one knows how scared I am all the fucking time. How lonely i feel without you talking to me every fucking day. 

i have to be less selfish and let you live your life the way you want to and step aside. you are going to be fine without me and i will be fine as long as you are happy. I have done this before, it hurts at first, then becomes easier and you will be one of the best memories of my life.

Safe trip my dearest friend, you will be missed but you will always have a part of my heart, whatever that means. 

It’s been a while now ...

i can not say that i am ok ‘cause i’m not .but i hope to get better.

these past couple of months were shit. just like that.  My whole life almost dissapear again ... Sometimes I wonder when this is going to stop, when this person is going to grow up and do not try to fuck my life once again . I just want to be at peace but he won’t let me I do not know why. If he only knew that my life is hard enough as it is ... I have to be everything for two beings that I love more than anything but they do not leave me be, at least not a 100%, I do it because I have to and because they need me but .. what about me?

i feel dead inside I feel nothing inside i do not know anything about hearts anymore I destroyed everything and nothing the pain is still here he is the only one that has stayed through the years not even he did it , even though he was supposed to.

nothing new in life, just the same old pain everywhere. i does not stop not even for a little bit of time. the time is not mine let me be clear, i know someone has been giving me time , i just can not find the reason yet. Maybe ine day in life i’m going to find you and ask why...

why don’t you loved me  why did you leave so easily did you bleed? have you ever cried for me? did you ever wonder how am I? did you ever wonder if i think like you?

i know the answers to all that questins in my mind, but the scenaries that i always imagine is you telling me what i actually think , but imagining things is not the same as hearing them , and that is what i want. i want to hear that you don’t love and that is why you did not fought for me when you had all the chance.

To a friend?

Love is actually very simple, it does not take things away from you, instead it gives you things such as experience, definition, a new way to look the entire world, imagination, a new light in your eyes. But when love take things away from you, you should know that is not real and it will kill you very slowly until you have nothing and no one to put the pieces of your broken heart together again , so try to be aware of your actions, thoughts and feelings. Please, do not let the idealization of the love you seek fuck you up!

now that i know ..

hello , i know that thos blog is only mine , but someday i will tell someone that i have a blog in where i can be myself and show how scared and how broken i am . 

last week i found that i have diabetes ..

it shocked me in so many ways that i cant even describe in words even though im pretty good at it , i just felt like i died in that moment , i coukdnt show it , because my mom was there and she died just before me , so i had to be strong for her , not for me and in that moment is when i realise that i was just so fucked up . i cant take care of myself , i left my home and came to my another place in another town in where my university is , and this past 3 days all that i have done is nothing , and i just wanna cry and feel sorry for myself , god im 21 fucking years old , i dont wanna die , i just wanna travel the world , be a teacher have children , a fucking boyfriend , someone who can take care of me , even when i dont want him to .

i dont wanna make a big deal in front of anyone , because its exhausting you know? when you are ok , no one even ask how are you , but when you are sick , suddenly everybody is your friend , suddenly my father treats me well and he cares now , he speaks to me now , why now ? i am that pathetic? 

i am so scared that i cant even talk about about it , i do not know how to tell people , i dont want to look into their ayes when i tell them that i am sick and the feeling that they are sorry for me , but i am sorry for me i wanna cry but instead i do NOTHING  , i just sit around ..

i should be studying i have so many test this week , but i can only think about this desease , its already consuming me , my doctor says im going to be ok or just fine , but i dont believe her , or i cant believe her , i do not know ..

now that i know what i have , its worse than ever ,  when i was broken hearted i could blame you but now .. there is no one to blame  just me  just my broken body and my fracturated soul  am i diying? am i giving up? i want to?

there is so many shit in my head right now i do not know where to start 

also you , you confused me , you little piece of lovely shit i want to love you so much but you just love me in ways that i cant understand  love is so fucking weird .

i hate everything , i want to embrace it , but i can .. i just cant.

In this moment i think that some people born to be beautiful , born to be amazing , born to be great born to be wild , but the peolple who just born to be normal , born to be calm , born to be as normal as they can ... How is this shit even posible , who design this? Who gave you the things that you have? Who write your futuro like a crime history or like a princess story? Who gave you your voice? I believe in fighting , but don't get me wrong i'm not a person who like wars , dissasters and not having peace in her life i'm actually don't , but you have to fight with yourself for be better , be the best person that you could posible ever be. People usually think that they know what you feel .. And as always people are wrong , the never know what you feel , Never know what you think , for what are you suffering now , and i'm so sick of that. So sick of people trying to figure out what you believe or what you hate or even what you love and that it's the question of my generation Are you very sure if you love what you love? Maybe we never know what we love And we just love what everyone else love But this is the kind of love that i want for me? Can i survive with the average? Is something wrong with the average? Am i thinking clearly? Can i think? Maybe i should't .

Having second thoughts are really that bad? And if the second thoughts are the first thoughts and we can't accept it and we choose the first thoughts believing that the second is the wrong one but if it's not? I don't care if i can't understand myself be cause i don't want to , i don't know if i can understand me i'm such a conflicto al person o i'm so simple that being so simple scare me the most? I don't like to think in the superficial things but what can i do? Blow my mind out? I don't even know what i'm writing but the inspiracion comes and goes around me and it's wonderfuly scariest if i can say that (i know it's not allowed) Repressing my thoughts it is what makes me that sensible , makes me wanna cry every time that i'm writing even if the shit that i write don't mean a thing like this post .. The idea of a blog it's very kind , dirty , juici , sad be cause it means that you don't have friends close enough to talk about all the special things that you are going through .

People NEED shut up and LISTEN.

#MeRightNow

The first picture without the sea. But I really feel it's necessary , because I feel free now , I'm ok finally with myself for telling the truth about me , I wanna study English motherfuckers hahahah , I love languages , like for me I'm going to study all the languages in the world , but I need patience as always . Me siento libre al fin! Sere profesora de ingles , siento que en este momento nome. Importa el sacrificio que eso traerá , quiero hacer algo que amo , y espero que todo me salga como quiero , estoy postulando aun , pero como nunca siento mucha fe esperanza y claridad , ya le conte la noticia a los que amo y sentir el apoyo es lo mejor que me pudo pasar! No siempre ocupo my tumblr para cosas personales si no es mas la inspiracion del momento pero esto no lo puedo aguantar , me siento bien despues de un año en una tortura en una carrera que no era para mi creo que madure mucho estando en la universidad y ya no soy la que era en el colegio . Sere la mejor en lo que me proponga como siempre me han enseñado a sacar lo mejor de mi , espero que mis metas se cumplan , se que mi fuerza de voluntad y tozudez son enormes y me ayudarán en mi meta , siento al fin que mi corazon y mi alma descansan al decirlo y mas aun al aceptarlo , que ese era mi mayor miedo aceptar que lo que quiero hacer es enseñar , por el resto de mis dias , quiero ayudar a las personas , contribuir con algo en la vida quizas todos esos sueños que tube pensando que seria una profesional de la salud los pueda lograr como una profesional de la educación , por desgracia en este país estan mal vistos , pero se que si me concentro en mis metas mayores y sigo mi plan de vida me ira excelente , tengo a mi familia que me ama y apoya y eso es lo principal! Tengo miedo , pero el que no arriesga no gana como me dijo una amiga de la infancia , no me queda mas que jugarme hasta la última posibilidad por lo que quiero y asi lo hare. Siento regocijo Siento alarde Siento amor Siento impaciencia Siento necesidad Siento aceptación Siento felicidad Siento luz.

Si no tienes nada sobre lo cual escribir , no escribas , las palabras son muy valiosas para no tener significado

#meRightNow

No temas al estar solo contigo , solo en ese momento sabrás de lo que eres capaz de entregar.

Today in my university my teacher just talk about being alone and that's mean being with myself and most of people are so scared of this , but i'm not , i just scared of being alone be cause i don't have you , 'cause i'm not with you that's is what i am afraid. Pasar tiempo conmigo no eme hace daño Pasar tiempo sin ti es lo que no espero Pasar tiempo conmigo , me entiendo Pasar tiempo sin ti es lo que no quiero Pasar tiempo conmigo aburre Pasar tiempo sin ti es no ver el mar Pasar tiempo conmigo es arder bajo el sol de verano Pasar tiempo sin ti es un asfixiante golpe en la mitad del pecho Pasar un dia conmigo es lo mismo Pasar un dia sin ti me cambia de todas las formas que conozco Pasar un dia conmigo es lo mismo que lo hiciera cuando estas tu .. Porque siempre estas ausente. Quisiera ver amor y felicidad en lo que no lo tiene como en lo que lo tiene , muchas veces intentó dormir pensando que mañana va a ser mejor que alguien se va a dar cuenta de lo que importa en el mundo y nos dejarán ser felices dejando que nos encontremos , pero llego al momento de vivir conmigo y me doy cuenta que aun no hago las cosas bien que me sigo equivocando que sigo llorando sin encontrar las razones y ya no me quiero culpar , me aburri de eso.

Perder no es olvidar , es valorar objetivamente..

#Glee

Sometimes we lost something that we can ever imagine how important it is.. No se como sentir No se si sentir Quizas por el miedo de perder Ni siquiera quiero intentar Estare preparada para comenzar? Podre afeontar la novedad y la violencia? No creo que mi corazon resista mas.. Hablo mucho , haciendo creer a la gente que no siento nada , para poder ser fuertes por y para ellos , la verdad es que siento mas de lo que deveria , entiendo mas de lo que imagino y justifico mas que respiro , intento no juzgar decisiones equivocas y dar consejos a personas que esten un poco mas perdidas en el camino que yo , pero no se si resulte .. --> no me siento muy poetica hoy , ni en los dias que no he escrito , solo quiero vivir creo .. Y como no se como hacerlo dejo que los dias y que el tiempo pase sin agendar cosas porque tengo miedo a leer lo que pasé , estoy cansada de tener miedo pero no se como parar .. Losing someone is like you died too , one part of you just gone with the person , i can't imagine how empty you feel and i hope i never feel that , 'cause i don't know how much i can take , in moments i cant think better in english and i don't know why but words just came out .. I would love too people listen as equal as they talk , but this never happened , i just need a shoulder , a hand or a full body for being my anchor i just feel so alone in a whole world , i don't know what i'm doing in my life and i'm completly stress.

me asusta no ver en lo que se convierte mi mundo.

#somethinginmind

Lately for me , life is an adventure and it's hard to process. No lo habia notado Pero tu cara esta mas peculiar que a diario No lo habia sentido Pero estoy escuchando tus latidos No lo habia visto Aunque tus ojos son lo unico que miro No me habias tocado Y se que ni te diste cuenta de que el mundo paro. Visiones del mundo diferente suelo tener contigo , espero que llegue un punto en el cual nos encontremos , se que tendras este amor para siempre , espero poder ser parte de la memoria que no dura , de las palabras que no te acuerdas , de las miradas perdidas , de los besos no dados y del amor no entregado , tambien espero que te des cuenta alguna vez de lo que pasa , porque me acobardo facilmente y mis procesos cerebrales suelen irse a la estratosfera del conocimiento vago si es que en algun momento supe algo. Insisto en la buena manera del amor , insisto en no callar lo que amamos , e incinsto en no catapultar lo que no amamos , porque es la felicidad de otro , quisiera tener las respuestas o mas bien las preguntas justas para compensar nuestro tiempo perdido , pero lo unico que encuentro es la nada .. Me encuentro con la nada y sin ti. -->primer dia hospitalizasa , energias y cosmos , ayudenla! Y hermano te extraño..

It's funny how people waaste the time with lies . Mentiras que no vienen al caso Amor que tapa todo sin decir lo contrario No necesito una explicasion del caso No me interesan tus excusas vagas e inocentes Solo me importo ver tu cara impotente Disculpas yo no necesito Menos si daño es todo lo que existio. Mucha creacion no tengo hoy , mi cerebro se chamusco con los aconteceres de la realidad sucia y las incompetencias milllonarias del mundo , estoy arta de escuchar lamentos y defensas pobres hacia gente necesitada de ayuda , una simple vida cambia con esa palabra . Intento seguir en el sistema , por masq ue lo odio asi funciona mi muendo en este momento , y pasa a ser mi mundo porque hay personas que amo que dependen de el .