I really am trying to move on. 

But I woke up tonight with tears my eyes, still. Well over a year later. 

Is it possible I’m backsliding? I remember going with the family on our hiking trip in Utah a year ago for Thanksgiving, and having fun, even feeling joyful. I think I had more hope then that I would find someone else, maybe better even. 

A year later and still nothing has really filled that void. The hole in me is a bit smaller maybe, but damn is it persistent.

It’s less that I think about you every day, and more that I think about you almost constantly, multiple times an hour every day, almost always. You were the greatest thing I ever found and I somehow lost you.

Being a total sentimental sap right now

I'm playing Skyrim, as I have most nights for the past year or so. I'm thinking about how I bought this game for Kelsey on Black Friday a few years ago, when it was half off and I knew she was really missing breath of the wild. I remember hearing how breath of the wild was sort of closely related to Skyrim, and thinking how maybe it would bring her a similar amount of joy. Funny how I'm the one that ended up with it instead.

On the subject of things I did to make her happy... I'm building a house in skyrim, I'm and thinking about how my efforts to make this real house is nice as possible for Kelsey was such a labor of love for me. Calling contractors, negotiating prices, countless trips to Lowe's and Home Depot, usually by myself. I wonder if she ever really appreciated it or was grateful. I guess not seeing as she moved out a few months after most of the big work took place. I wonder if there is anything I could have done to make this place feel more like home for her.

It seemed like nothing worked. She always said her love language was gifts and gestures, and I tried to provide all of those in abundance. Books, video games, a PlayStation 4, pins. Phone calls, running errands without her, picking out flooring and carpet and backsplash samples, filling her tires with air, picking up veggies for her. It just seems like she never cared.

I think one of the things I think most about in regards to how Kelsey and I met was how immediate it all felt. Within a few hours of meeting her, I just knew, and that was it. I knew she was everything I'd been looking for. I told Caleb that she was the one just a few weeks later, and he laughed and asked how I could possibly know that. We became official within a week and a half of meeting.

We only dated for 4 months before our first big breakup (ignoring a small "break" in the middle of that. Was that a warning sign even then?). I just remember how that break up absolutely destroyed me, probably matching the emotional pain that I felt with our divorce. How even months after that, any dating I did just felt like trying to fill that hole.

How is it possible I dated Emily even longer than that, and felt very little at all by comparison? Why don't I have a blog reminiscing about Emily's and my relationship? I barely think about her at all anymore. I guess I can truthfully say at least she and I were never married.

There's so much more I want to say, about so many different things. It's weird how after this blog being dormant for a year, I suddenly have so much more I want to talk about. I guess these emotions come in waves?

Today feels like the second divorce. Or more like a part 2.

A few things have changed in the past year. A lot more hasn't. I have a new job. I entered and left a new relationship that lasted just under 6 months, and which was almost certainly too soon. Traveled a few new places. Played a lot of Skyrim. A few hookups, a few stories.

That's mostly it.

Still in the same house. Many things look the exact same as when she left. Not sure if a lack of will, a lack of energy, or lack of funds. All three probably.

Haven't picked up any new hobbies really. Tried out some ballroom dancing but it didn't stick. A new job brought me back into the office and it makes me tired.

I'm always tired now.

I went to a single free outdoor yoga class and enjoyed it. I met up with Kelsey afterward, which we'd been doing a few times lately. It was monthly, so I was excited that a month later I would get to go again.

As it turns out, I did not.

Tonight I asked Kelsey if she had heard why there wasn't the usual Meetup notification, and if she was planning on going. She was... with a new guy.

I mean, I knew it was coming. Lord knows I've seen a lot of women in the past year, and poor Kelsey has had to hear about many of them. I wonder if she was any more prepared than I was to hear her news tonight.

Between Bella being put down, a series of tough financial setbacks, and now this, the theme of the week seems to be "stuff I knew was coming but which I thought I would be more prepared for."

So she told me that she was going with a guy, and... Well now I can't remember if she actually indicated that I shouldn't go, or if it was more just that if I did go, I wouldn't be meeting up with her. But at the end of the day, the net effect fact was that I didn't feel comfortable going because I knew there qas no way I was prepared to see what there was a very real chance of seeing. Why she had to turn a once a month exercise event that I really enjoyed going to, and which she probably knew I would want to go to again, into some sort of date event, I'm not sure I'll ever know. I guess she's free to do what she wants.

I'm not all that upset about the yoga I guess. I can do it at home, and I didn't really meet anyone last time anyway.

It's probably obvious what I am upset about, as much as I hate to admit it. And it's hard.

I think what I'm going to miss most though is just having someone to talk to every day. Her messages and replies taper off more each day. Now I hear maybe one reply from her a day, and most of the time it feels like I'm talking to a wall. Or typing into a void, which no one will ever read, like I am right now. I think she's stopped reading and replying to the links I've sent her on Google Hangouts completely.

It was inevitable I guess. It's just crazy to think that this tradition of talking to someone virtually every day for the past decade is, like everything else, quickly fading away and becoming a memory. Even when she was no longer my wife, Kelsey has been a wonderful listener, a reliable friend, and someone consistent to talk to in good times and bad. Even when I was dating Emily, or anyone else, I've always felt like Kelsey made for easier conversation and understood me at a level that no one else did. Clearly she no longer feels the same way; I'm sure it helps living in the same house as the family she's grown up with her whole life and which she can talk to instead.

She did respond really quickly when Bella passed. I was really grateful for that, because that was hard.

But what almost makes me saddest about Bella passing away was how I felt afterward. Bella dying reminded me exactly of my granddad dying. In a way, while it was sad, I felt a lot less than I thought I would about the death itself. I felt like I'd been watching and anticipating it for so long, and her symptoms were so apparent for the last few years now, that the death itself had very little impact on me. I was already prepared for that part.

I think like Andrew's wedding though, it felt like one of those slowly approaching calendar events that I was sort of using as a benchmark in life. That when it finally got here, like Kelsey finding a new boyfriend, that I would have moved on to a degree and would be in a better place in life once it arrived. Even when we got Zoey all those years ago, I was thinking how it was smart we were adopting a younger cat because it would mean I would already have a "replacement" once that time came.

It didn't occur to me I would lose Zoey first.

Anyway, I think what I'm now mourning the most is this strange friendship Kelsey and I have built up over the past year. I'll never forget her checking on me constantly when I was in Colombia to make sure I wasn't dead, and the one or two times Dasha saw it. Lol oops. Dasha has it responded to my messages lately either.

It was really kind of Kelsey to really extend this part of our "relationship" past what, for any other couple, probably would (should?) have been its expiration date. So kind, in fact, that I'm not sure whether she was doing this as a sign of genuine friendship and care, or more just out of charity, sympathy, or obligation. I actually asked Kelsey this question earlier today, and she said she would have to think about the answer.

Gayle in the past has expressed uncertainty that this sort of continuing friendship was good for me in terms of moving on, and maybe she was right after all. But even so, I'm really glad Kelsey has stayed in my life this way. She's been such a presence in my life for the past decade, and even if it hasn't completely died quite yet, I can still feel it slowly fading away.

Or much more quickly now, as it might be. A second divorce.

I'm back.

Over a year later and not nearly as much has changed as I would have liked

I miss when things were simple.

what if love is where you find it

What if I could just date like, all the women

It's been awhile since I've written anything of real substance. This may well be an instance where no news is good news, since in many ways it does feel like the worst is over. In any case, I thought it was time for an update.

Or is it? Looking back it doesn't even seem like it's been that long. Time has truly lost all meaning lately. It seems like it was a lifetime ago that Kelsey and I were living happily together, but maybe it was only a few weeks. Or was it? I honestly don't remember.

There’s still the weird ghosts of Kelsey that seem to pop up occasionally around the place. I pulled into the driveway tonight and felt a moment of surprise that Blueberry wasn’t parked nearby. Or sometimes I hesitate to open the patio door in case Zoey comes running. Things that haven't happened for awhile and will probably never happen again. Occasionally I'll find an object that I haven't seen since Kelsey moved out, like a picture of us together, or a wedding gift, and I'm struck with pangs of grief all over again. But for the most part, these cases are becoming ever rarer as I’ve gotten used to this new (ab)normal. In many ways I've slipped right back into a comfortable singlehood - it's hard for me to imagine that not long ago I used to share a queen bed every night, or had to be quiet whenever Kelsey was sleeping.

It seems like the biggest remaining hurdle, emotionally or otherwise, is the financial one. I've gotten used to such a comfortable financial existence over the last few years, since we had truly gotten to a point where we could afford virtually anything we had wanted. It's become very apparent that that's going to change very rapidly. It's hard to make the numbers work in a way where I can live a life as comfortable as I've gotten used to. Something's going to have to give I think; I'm going to have to find a roommate, get a raise, or cut down on the traveling or dating.

And oh god, the dating. I haven't really talked about my new dating lifestyle in long form, but it's been a doozy. In many ways I've had a lot of success with the dating apps, or at least what seems to be the case for most men (maybe Redditors are just especially lonely people). But that comes with downsides: I probably blew through more money last weekend on dining and entertainment than I did in the entirety of an average year previously. Part of that may have been because I had six dates in one weekend, but it's also just plain expensive. I don't know where I got the notion that men and women were more likely to split a bill when dating these days, but that definitely hasn't been the case so far.

Part of me almost does wonder if I'm doing this out of some twisted financial motivation; maybe I'm looking for someone maybe I'm looking for someone to “replace” Kelsey financially and emotionally, for another “roommate with benefits” I can split bills with (if I am, this is a really expensive way to go about it). Or maybe I'm seeking to distract myself. Is there a meaningful difference between distracting myself from the unsettling quiet of an empty house, or distracting myself emotionally from the pain of this divorce, or just keeping myself busy on the weekends? I think part of me is grateful to have reason to keep myself going to the gym, my beard trimmed, and the floor clean. I don't know where this goes from being healthy to being problematic. But for the time being, it’s fun, so does it matter?

Until it gets weird. Melanie and I have seen each other four or five times now, and things have progressed quite a bit since that first date night, when we supposedly decided to keep things light and casual between us. We’ve hung out at each other’s places; she’s used my shower, I’ve played with her dog. She’s learning how to tell my feelings based on my dramatic sighs. But after a particularly cozy evening I went downstairs to see her emptying the sink and moving stuff to the garbage, and something about it hit me hard. I don't think I was fully prepared to see someone doing something so… domestic? in a way that Kelsey would have done. Melanie and I can get as physical as we like and I don't feel any guilt or any negative feelings at all – it’s just fun! But afterward when she wants to lock fingers and stare into my eyes, I have a hard time keeping eye contact. I feel closed off, like there's something there inside myself I can't reach, and I don't know what it is or why. Maybe it's just her - I have a really hard time imagining the two of us together in the future in any real sense. We’re having fun right now but I feel like that's all it is for me. And when I look into her eyes when we’re close, and see something that looks like it's becoming real affection or even something else… I feel a sense of unease and concern.

I do wonder if I'm going to have commitment issues at the end of all this. I committed my life to one person for eight years, only for it to implode and collapse into rubble. At many times that commitment felt thankless and unrequited, and I was left wondering if my time would’ve been better spent trying to find someone else while I was still young. Maybe a little less hurry to jump into commitment would have been better for both of us. And I'm so much more jaded and cynical now – sometimes the Adam that believed in “Disney relationships,” like the kind I thought Kelsey and I had, the Adam that wanted to slow dance to Illuminations or go on a picnic for a second date, feels like an entirely different person from a previous lifetime.

But then there’s Dasha. Something about her… I can’t find the words. Again, I have a hard time imagining a real future for the two of us. She has five (five!!!) years of PhD program left, and I'm not sure how devoted she even really is to education or academia once she finally graduates - to say nothing of citizenship, visas, language barriers, her entire family still in Russia. But I guess the butterflies in my stomach didn't get the memo. She makes me feel like a high schooler with a crush again, and I keep imagining future weekends of us on the beach or driving around downtown St Pete late at night, or our first Disney World trip together. And those are fantasies she seems all too willing to indulge, as we've made all sorts of future plans ranging from watching Ghibli movies and Tarkovsky, to possible trips to Peru or Puerto Rico (after one date!!). And she leans all in on the romantic aspect of dating, which is refreshing in the age of swipe apps and ghosting. There's just something so intoxicating about her romantic view of the world and her passion for life. I know I used to feel that way about the world once, a decade ago or more – maybe I see in her a way to feel it again.

I think that's been the biggest takeaway from all this. It's amazing how all these women I've met can make me feel different things, and often showing me very different sides of myself in the process. Melanie has really helped me re-acquaint myself with the part of me that is physical and lustful and carnal. I really admire her view that all of us are sexual beings with physical presence and immediate desires, and there's nothing to be ashamed about that. She's helped me feel physically real and sexually significant a way that I don't know that I've felt… ever? And Dasha has shown me that there is still plenty to feel romantic about, that life is for living and that 30-ish is still plenty young to seize on one’s dreams in life. And Becca (who don't know that I'm going to see again, but I certainly hope to) was the first woman I've met since all this that I could actually see myself with as a real, serious partner. She made for some of the most natural conversation I've ever had; I felt like I’d known her for years. She had such a calm and collected presence that I found really comforting, and could easily see myself wanting to face challenges with. It's pretty odd that she takes literally days to respond to any messages… but she always sounds happy to talk to me when she does? Hopefully we can make that date next week work out – I really want to see her again.

Not to say every date has worked out (far from it), but I can't help noticing that the women I want to see again have offered something very different than what Kelsey did. In fact, the first woman who I knew I DIDN’T want to see again was arguably the one most like Kelsey. I don't know if that's good or healthy or just something to be expected, and I don’t know what that means. In any case, I feel like I've seen a large range of what the dating pool has to offer – from the casual and physical, to women seeking to get very serious and starting a family, to the wonderfully romantic, to a number of women I could tell were just looking for partnership and someone to watch Netflix with (and what’s wrong with that? Maybe I would be smarter to put aside these romantic notions of self and future lifestyle, and focus on that). In any case, it's been a useful opportunity to reflect on what it is that I hope to find, but also a sobering reminder of how uncertain I am myself. Is it too much to hope for all those experiences in one person?

Anyway. To bring it all back to the divorce, which is the ultimate point of this blog. I remember as soon as I met Kelsey, I was immediately enthralled with the feeling that she was “the one”, that I had found my course in life and it was her. I wonder if everything had worked out for us on her end, if I would have continued to feel that way. It's hard to go from that feeling, that sense of certainty, to not knowing what I want at all anymore. I don't usually think of people going through life and becoming more uncertain – I usually would expect that they find answers, a sense of security and comfort in their life’s direction. Instead I feel like I'm going through in my 30s what many people say they do in their 20s - finding out what they want in life, looking for direction, trying out their options. I guess if nothing else, it's a unique opportunity to try something new a bit later in life.

Now just to find the thing that works.

Things I’ve learned about myself this weekend (so far)

I might not, in fact, be emotionally ready for this

I make for an especially “chivalrous” and “intelligent” date 

I apologize too much

I might actually have a dangerous, or borderline dangerous relationship with alcohol

I’m less innocent, more “dangerous” and generally flirtier than I initially let on

I might be in the top 1% for dick size...

I might, in fact, be a pig. :( I apparently can go from zipping my pants up with one woman and picking up the next at her front door in about 3 hours, and only need to drink lots and take xanax and rinse off the post-activity sweat in between. But there’s some of that gross feeling that doesn’t quite rinse off

Xanax helps a lot :(

I can live what feels like a rockstar life and still feel like I’m imploding inside

Maybe the reason rockstars drink and take pills so much is to help them sleep at night

Russian women can be very giggly (not about myself I guess)

I have plenty to be confident about sexually (yay!)

Dating and flirting is either way easier, or just comes more naturally to me than I ever really realized

I seem to attract really interesting (if beautiful) women without attracting more normal ones

I’ve picked up a lot of random shit about Russia over the years, apparently more than the average American

I’m more capable romantically than I realized

That what I’m capable of romantically is not necessarily what I should be doing emotionally

I truly don’t know what I want anymore

Oh no I can’t be this smitten with someone before even meeting them this is really bad :((((

At least she seems excited too? 

(When an attractive person messages me): why on earth are you talking to ME, there has to be someone better you can be talking to than this sad homely sonofabitch

(when I message someone attractive and they don't answer back): what the hell why aren't you answering me back, I'm a goddamn snack