first post i guess

I just cried at my desk over a non-existing person. It's not like falling in love with a fictional character, but i guess it's close enough

I've always day-dreamt, since my childhood I believe. I daydreamed to hard during my early teenage years I no longer know what actually happened during that time. I was obsessively in love with a fictional character, and my daily life turned around me imagining him there with me, talking to me, loving me back, and promising me he would be real for me one day. Of fucking course he didn't but I moved on from that lmao. 

The thing is, daydreaming has always been a habit. Some people say it's a trauma response, but I don't really know what exactly what the trauma is. I should be in therapy, i know, but unfortunately i'm not made of money and to be 100% sincere i am scared of opening up to people. It hurts to much, I'm constantly ashamed by my past and presence mistakes, and i definitely don't have the emotional strength and dedication to put me through the trouble of explaining all my life to someone weekly. Like why stab myself once every couple days? Just slash me open already at once so the pain can end faster.

Sorry, I lost myself over there. 

Daydream is what I do when I'm sad, happy, angry, sleepy, bored, I even daydream about cooking and eating when I feel hungry. To be quite frank, as I type this out I've come to the realisation that if I can do a task without putting much thought into it, I am in fact daydreaming. Anyways, for the past 3 years I've daydreamed, sometimes, about a daughter. It's no secret to people around me that I want to be a mother some day, i'm just waiting to reach my late 20s so I can start trying. 

My boyfriend and I plan on marrying, we have both expressed how much we want to be with each other forever. He doesn't want kids. He knows how much I want to be a mother, and he says I'll be an amazing one, but he fears parenthood, so he doesn't believe he'll ever be ready to be a father himself. He believes he'll be ready at his mid 40s, but we all know how dangerous it is to a woman, and baby, to be pregnant that late.

So, because I can't be a mother now, I've come to the habit of daydreaming our daughter. Once we were talking about having kids in the future and we both agreed on naming a girl this one we both loved. So I imagine myself with her, raising her, teaching her, being a good mother, one I wish everybody had. Sometimes I allow myself to imagine him with her as well, being the good father I know he will be if he ever change his mind.

Today I actually dreamt about her. It's quite rare for me to dream about her, my dreams usually don't make much sense. This one was no different, it was a mess, but I remember her. She was just a baby, I had to hold her, and it felt so real. I loved her so much. I woke up happy, but now I see myself paralysed. I want to hold her again, it feels empty without her here. I can't focus on work, I can't do the things I need to do because I know she's not real.  So here I am, trying to let all this out of my system so I can try to move on. I don't think I can, I don't think I ever will. It feels like her absence will haunt me for months, maybe years, maybe until I have a real one. Maybe she will be a loss I will carry with myself forever. I miss her so much.