one of the first posts i saw when i got on tonight was an excerpt from jenny slates little weirds....it talked about a love, wanting a type of love...

i had that exact love... whenever i was cooking my baby would come RUNing for the kitchen. he couldnt get there fast enough. just to put his arms around my waist and hold me from behind and dance with me while i was making eggs... i had the kind of love that people write about and dream about. the kind that movies are based around and great myths. i had that love. i had that man. the kind of love i dreamed about. and wanted my whole life.

and now my man wont even speak to me. doesn’t want me around him.....

if i told you this was hell, would you believe me? 

if there is a god i hope they save me it seems,

i have not done well at saving myself

even if its not true

i’m clinging at the cliff’s edge

I miss my sweetie. He’s not speaking to me right now and hasn’t for maybe a month and a half. It’s the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking since we met almost 5 years ago. I really feel like I’ve fucked up my whole life. I have never met a man as good as my baby, my ex. He was good in every sense. He listens, he’s kind, he’s not actively oppressive in any way (transphobic, fatphobic, sexist, etc.) we all have oppressive shit we have to unlearn from living in a white patriarchy, But he is so naturally good and positive. He lifted me up always - always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. Always telling me he believed in me and that I could do anything and that I was amazing. I didn’t know men could be that way. like he really seems like an anomaly. and I gave that up. I gave up the best man I’ve ever known. my best friend. my partner. he really is my whole world. he’s the love of my life. he’s my everything and I can’t even talk to him...    

do you guys wanna see how bs ‘’’bmi’’’ is?

let’s start with a few pictures of my body shall we

(please ignore messy room i’m in the process of packing)

okay so that’s the body of someone that eats healthy, literally my fave food is broccoli, and i work out 5 days a week, you’d think i’m at ‘’’healthy weight’’’’ right?????

BITCH NOPE

that bitch telling me to eat 1500 - 1900 calories a day are you fucking joking??? that’s fucking starving myself and i’m not doing that. fuck you.

daily affirmation:

i love myself. i deserve respect and i will not tolerate any less. i am worthy of love being who i am in my entirety. i do not need to change who i am for public approval. i am allowed to love myself in my entirety. i am not worthless just because others fail to see my worth. i am content in who i am regardless of where i am in my journey. i do not need the approval of others.

in a pain I  wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemy.

the greatest love i’ve ever known doesn’t want me anymore. won’t even speak to me. he is my whole heart and my everything. our love was supposed to last forever. he is my soulmate. the love of my life. i would give anything to be with him again, to try again.

what i would give to go back in time. to have a chance to do it all again. even if i didnt know any better. maybe i would make the exact same mistakes. maybe everything would happen again exactly as it did before. but i just want another chance. he’s my everything. 

everyone keeps saying how this will pass. how i feel wont be forever, last forever. but it has lasted for so so long already. years i have been in unimaginable pain. at least before i had my love at my side to hold onto as i lived through hell. now im just alone. and its killing me. 

“You were a summer gift, one I’ll always treasure. You were a dream I never wanted to wake up from. You opened my eyes to things I’ll never really see. You’re the best thing that will ever happen to me.” - Ellen Hopkins, Crank

tw: suicide

the only thing keeping me alive these days is a promise i made to my brother that i wouldn’t leave him alone in this world with our psycho abusive brother. i know it would ruin my mom and my good brother and a bestfriend or two....but i think about it every day...

I'm gonna heal on purpose

I'm gonna love because I can

I'm gonna water my own garden

I'm gonna recover

@douceurs

Beetlejuice | 1988

Wow miss Fran is really out there living her best life with a snatched waist

important!

♥ ♥ ♥

must a woman be “beautiful”? is it not enough that she shake her fist at God and commit acts of heresy in the name of hedonism and lunar madness