I crave this desire for free time where I can do absolutely nothing and sit at home. but it is kind of freaky when I am alone and its so silent that I can just hear the air moving around me.

The new year is coming up so since i have this random free time I might as well make some resolutions.

Eat clean. I am going to try to make food at home more (less eating out)

Work out at least 3-4 times per week

Focus on myself and hopefully find a man/find a partner that makes me happy. I really need to stop taking other peoples opinions in as much. I have learned that the more you do the more people crave and it is never enough. This birthday was a true awakening. I dropped $1000s of dollars on, put love and effort on others bday and no one really cared for mine. which is fine but Ive learned that I need to be selective on what I go to and who/what I put my energy in. Ive already signed up for raj's bday and some of these events are of the past but I am truly burning out. I am not about this insane money spending crazy paced life. I think i'm more about few events here and there that make me happy. Also the fact that if someone cares for me its a mockery. I really need to re-evaluate friendships. It is ok to be alone and you find yourself. You need to find your self and love yourself to love others. I think residency I lived this crazy fast paced life where I didnt have a chance to even think. But no more.

I dont know why it is so hard to find someone that I have the perfect chemistry with. In the movies there is all these amazing stories where people make epic sacrifices for eachother and find the one. like why am I having such a hard time finding the right person. Everywhere you look people are in love. Are all the guys taken? Hello?

I couldnt name a single EX or a single people in my life right now that feels like they are the one that got away or someone I should be reaching for. And then my parents are hell bent on me finding the perfect person. like O M G. Dont you think im looking too.

oh hi

It is interesting i feel like this time of the year is always my "reset" point. I feel like I always make my annual post at this time.

Well here are life updates.

hoping and praying that I match fellowship. I need to get out of michigan and find myself in a new city. I feel like I am at a standstill with my life

henry and i are done forever. I think i need to stop going for guys I dont see myself with long term. I think i liked the attention from henry and i wanted to give it a try because he liked me but i wasnt entirely sure i liked him a second time around. this was kinda a shitty end to it all. i am not sure entirely what raj even said to him. but in all honesty im not even mad about it. i dont think this was gonna last but i did not like that it didnt end at the pace i wanted to. i think after all this I have come to the conclusion that I need a doctor, indian man who is outgoing and can handle my energy.

My whole convo with henry made me realize the importance of communication and how it can leave everyone in a bad head space if there is lack there of convo. cough henry cough. but i just know this chapter is closed forever. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. and he got me twice. third time is NOT in the books. so bye.

i hope my parents stay healthy. So many things keep happening with my parents health. i hope my moms surgery goes well. ahhh

thats a wrap. not much going on but a lot going on at the same time. i need to be proactive and email/reach out to fellows to optimize matching.

well hello

its been a while. idk why i cannot fall asleep today. maybe its the 1.5 esspresso martinis i had or just stress in general. or the fact that my throat is hurting so bad. 

anyways. now that we’re up and sitting here with nothing to do s/p 2 movies i guess its a good time to blog. 

let me start with my stressors. 

1. work/fellowship/research. like when should i stop being ambitious

2. being single. whyyyyyyy is it so hard for me to find a good boy that i like. the struggle is real. i am legit getting anxiety about this.

3. family, my dad has to find a job again. he is having temper tantrums. its scary being at home

4. i think i need a break from going on and need some me time. just to think and relax and reflect

so now what

i dont know why but i am in a dark place. I hate work. 

I have worked ALL my life to get here. But I dont want to be at work. i dont want to do any. 

I feel like I have failed at everything. 

like why am I single AF. nothing is figured out. 

I am living alone. I hate working. I dont wanna talk to anyone and I dont wanna do anything. 

neg SI/HI dont worry. just in a bad head spacce. hopefully I can shake this off. 

You know, sometimes I forget what life was like before I knew you.

Schitt’s Creek || David and Stevie’s friendship appreciation

It’s crazy how something as small as a show can trigger a whole evening of crying (watching abbi and illana from broad city move away). Nathan has been a special person to me. Probably the closest person I have in my life who knows everything about me. 

It is just scary to think that things will be different in 6 months when he wont be here. I know I’ll be fine. I know he’ll be fine. We will all learn to live our new lives with this change but MAN, I think for almost 10 years we have been inseparable. 

On random days we have off going on crazy ass car rides across town where we literally waste time going from shop to shop looking for random things. To hosting parties. To working out together. To knowing eachother SO well that we anticipate eachothers next moves. To just always having your person by your side. To ALWAYS ALWAYS sharing our food at restaurant. To JUST always being on the same page. I dont think ive ever been this comfortable OR more of me around someone. Honestly, he has made me the confident and comfortable me that I am today.

We’ll be busy with work.

Low key I am scared that we’ll stop being as close as we are. I am scared I wont have my person around. Just scared of what the future holds. deep breaths. I’ll be ok. 

#besties 

good bye friend

F,

To all the laughs that we’ve had, all the meals that we’ve shared together, all the nights we’ve slept next to each other and the times that we’ve held each other close... I will never forget those. 

I hate that we are ending on a shitty note but breakups sucks. We knew this relationship was not going to last.  We knew we were not each others last ones and to some degree we both knew that I had to leave before you did too. 

Not gonna lie, we’ve been through a hell of a ride. Through me figuring out what kinda big girl doc i wanna be to all of your professionalism shit to every bump youve had in your road. I feel like you always managed to minimize ALL of my problems and basically everything of yours was more important but I have a very soft spot for you so i took it (SO DONT YOU FUCKING EVER DARE SAY I DIDNT CARE ABOUT YOU). 

I am sorry for the whole opening up a dating profile, which i didnt use, but i know its wrong. I take responsibility and im sorry for it but i felt like you never gave me the security that I needed. Every big event of mine you did not want to attend for random reasons...you straight up told me that we werent going to end up together and every hang out just felt incomplete because you wanted to go home so quickly (honestly my favorite moment was when you basically lived with me for a week because you were busy with school shit, i finally felt connected to you at a new level). Let me just add when the quarantine started we didnt even talk for like 1-2 weeks straight.... thats messed up (you took blame for that but this keeps happening time and time again).

I also feel like you were never completely honest with me. There was no way I could find anything out BUT why wasnt i invited to events....why did you needs so many nights with the boys. nothing added up but i think knowing this will just hurt me more. So lets just pretend

Also, good lord... you chewed me out for the most menial things like inviting you friend to a social gathering OR grabbing someones number who i told you about. When i had NO clear intentions with those people. It was anger out of proportion and you didnt even want to accept my side. Makes me wonder what you did under the table.

This decision to break up was because i need to find something more real in my life but also because i think ive had it with your shit. I want someone to show their love in the open for me unconditionally, make my problems their problems and help me along the way, WANT to throw a birthday party (superficial but its the thought) or a small event FOR ME. Just be mine LOUD and PROUD. 

I dont know. I think being in this relationship was making me a toxic person. I needed to be out.

But thanks for the memories, the lessons, and the laughs. I will not forget you my friend. 

yours truly,

s

its crazy how perspective changes over time. I started off freaking out about where we were going, what he was thinking, and how i should act. 

Now I have evolved to making the best of the moments we have together. Sometimes we look at each other in fear of not knowing when the end is. What we have right now is perfect: comfort, laughter, lust and happiness. 

I am scared I am not going to heal from this. I am scared he is going to move on fast and I am going to be broken. But I can’t live afraid. I am responsible for all my decisions. 

It’s amazing how some people are driven to do some fascinating things in their careers. For instance, some people love what they do so much they stay extra at work. Do work for fun in their free time. Go above and beyond just because they want to, not because they want someones acceptance. 

I would like to be this. I want to find my love and my niche. 

it’s really disgusting how humans turn into snakes.

Excuses.

Get your life together woman. 

its a weird feeling

For some reason I just cant break it off. My brain tells me one thing but my heart and my conscience tell me otherwise.

What if he turns into a bad person after this. He was changed into a “good” person for now. I dont want to cause the spiral. 

What if him and I are meant to be and I am a dumbass. nahh this doesnt sound leggit. 

what will happen next to our friendship?

How will he react?

I dont want to hurt his feelings. 

I THINK I NEED TO ASK WHERE WE ARE GOING. Okay yes, thats a good question.