I'm tapping out at least for the day. Maybe I can shower today.

It's still bad. Last night the neighbors who have been abandoning cats, and have caused the explosion in our stray colony, as well as likely being the cause of the issues our kittens are having, had their dog running wild again. This time the dog killed a cat. One of our stray colony members. Whitey, named by our neighbor's son, not the same people with the dog, who we called Wild Man. That same dog went after two other cats on Friday, and I was able to chase it off before any harm came. My heart is broken. The wails that came from me last night are something I didn't know I had in me. I think my screams carried across the neighborhood, and I fell to the floor after I saw my mom walking back across the street with the box he was in.

I heard screaming and crying from the open living room window, and went out to see what was wrong. Across the street there was a small group trying to herd the dog, they told me it had killed a cat, I didn't think it was one of ours...Our lovely neighbors across the street, the ones trying to herd the dog, had kindly placed him in a box while they tried to find his owner. They went door to door, and I asked what the cat looked like. When they said it had a flea collar, I knew. My mom went across to check. I couldn't bring myself to look.

I'm broken. My hair hasn't been out of this top bun in almost three days. I didn't shower last night despite running outside in bare feet. I left everything downstairs, and pulled myself up to bed at 10 last night. I didn't eat or drink after it happened. I sobbed my eyes out and stared into space. I cursed that house. I was a feral animal. Now I just feel like a shell, a husk. I have to force myself to take care of the kittens, to take care of the fish...

I'm ready to tap out. If I didn't have two eye infected kittens that need care at least twice a day, and the fish tank I managed to finally do, I'd be sleeping. I just want to sleep forever.

It's still bad. Last night the neighbors who have been abandoning cats, and have caused the explosion in our stray colony, as well as likely being the cause of the issues our kittens are having, had their dog running wild again. This time the dog killed a cat. One of our stray colony members. Whitey, named by our neighbor's son, not the same people with the dog, who we called Wild Man. That same dog went after two other cats on Friday, and I was able to chase it off before any harm came. My heart is broken. The wails that came from me last night are something I didn't know I had in me. I think my screams carried across the neighborhood, and I fell to the floor after I saw my mom walking back across the street with the box he was in.

I heard screaming and crying from the open living room window, and went out to see what was wrong. Across the street there was a small group trying to herd the dog, they told me it had killed a cat, I didn't think it was one of ours...Our lovely neighbors across the street, the ones trying to herd the dog, had kindly placed him in a box while they tried to find his owner. They went door to door, and I asked what the cat looked like. When they said it had a flea collar, I knew. My mom went across to check. I couldn't bring myself to look.

I'm broken. My hair hasn't been out of this top bun in almost three days. I didn't shower last night despite running outside in bare feet. I left everything downstairs, and pulled myself up to bed at 10 last night. I didn't eat or drink after it happened. I sobbed my eyes out and stared into space. I cursed that house. I was a feral animal. Now I just feel like a shell, a husk. I have to force myself to take care of the kittens, to take care of the fish...

It's still bad. Last night the neighbors who have been abandoning cats, and have caused the explosion in our stray colony, as well as likely being the cause of the issues our kittens are having, had their dog running wild again. This time the dog killed a cat. One of our stray colony members. Whitey, named by our neighbor's son, not the same people with the dog, who we called Wild Man. That same dog went after two other cats on Friday, and I was able to chase it off before any harm came. My heart is broken. The wails that came from me last night are something I didn't know I had in me. I think my screams carried across the neighborhood, and I fell to the floor after I saw my mom walking back across the street with the box he was in.

I heard screaming and crying from the open living room window, and went out to see what was wrong. Across the street there was a small group trying to herd the dog, they told me it had killed a cat, I didn't think it was one of ours...Our lovely neighbors across the street, the ones trying to herd the dog, had kindly placed him in a box while they tried to find his owner. They went door to door, and I asked what the cat looked like. When they said it had a flea collar, I knew. My mom went across to check. I couldn't bring myself to look.

I'm broken. My hair hasn't been out of this top bun in almost three days. I didn't shower last night despite running outside in bare feet. I left everything downstairs, and pulled myself up to bed at 10 last night. I didn't eat or drink after it happened. I sobbed my eyes out and stared into space. I cursed that house. I was a feral animal. Now I just feel like a shell, a husk. I have to force myself to take care of the kittens, to take care of the fish...

I have unintentionally at first, started a celestial theme with these kittens, mostly after they've passed. Sunny was the first, then Moonlight, Star went yesterday, and I decided I wanted the last two to have their names while they're alive. Last night I decided on Cosmo for who I believe is our lone boy left, Cosmos if it ends up being a girl, and Juno for the one I'm pretty sure is a girl.

Cosmo has the bad eye, I worked on it today, figured it would just be taking the crust off with warm water, it was much more infected than I realized...Cosmo now has eye ointment, and will get a warm compress a few times a day. I've had kittens with eye infections, it's very common in little ones, but this one was rough.

I spilled part of a cup of kitten food while trying to make Blossom's kitten milk replacement, kitten food, warm water, milk booster, and nearly burst into tears. I'm slowly getting to the point where I expect none of the kittens to make it.

I'm not okay. I'm clinging by the skin of my teeth, but it's getting heavier. The pain and cruelty in the world, the pain here at home, I'm exhausted. I have to keep stepping forward, but all I really want to do is silently stare into space.

I'm not okay. I'm clinging by the skin of my teeth, but it's getting heavier. The pain and cruelty in the world, the pain here at home, I'm exhausted. I have to keep stepping forward, but all I really want to do is silently stare into space.

"The most Sally can do is watch as Kylie's isolation becomes a circle: the lonlier you are, the more you pull away, until humans seem an alien race, with customs and a language you can't begin to understand." - Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman

It's safer to be alone.

In another universe I was happy

It's perfect toddler height for Bee. 🩵 The size is pretty much outdoor side table, which would be perfect for a little one. We also know Bucky would order custom wrought iron chairs with glass bee medallions on them. 🥹

I saw this posted to an Aldi group I'm in, hoped they would have them at mine to snap a picture for you, and it ended up coming home with me. 🙈 It really was the cutest of the three options. 🩵

Those are so cute!!! Bee would love to have that in her office, imagine Mr. Tato surrounded by her tea cups and plates🥺

Nobody reads what I say, so why bother with putting the warnings in the tags. This post mentions kitten death. Nothing graphic, failure to thrive style loss.

The last few days have been hard, really really hard. On April 15, one of our stray colony members, Blossom, gave birth in the garage to five kittens. She was slated to be spayed in February, the same day her sister, Tatey, sent me to urgent care.

It's been stressful, she moved the babies from the cozy cat barn, that's literally what it's called, you can look them up, they're amazing. She moved them to the floor, just in front of the truck...the truck has to be angled to get in the garage, so the best I could do was point a flashlight to check the babies. I set up their old cat barn up off the ground, on our old garage trash can, she kept them on the floor. We moved the truck, got a basket and towel, I put the babies in, tucked them nearly where they had been, and Blossom immediately moved them back out...Wednesday I discovered she had moved them back to the barn, I was so happy!

Thursday came, all was good, I was weeding a little in the front yard, decided to go to the back, and check on the kittens. Four were snuggled together, one was on the side, no longer with us, which was heart wrenching. Blossom is one step down from feral, and our house is full, this is literally the best we can give her. We gathered the baby, tucked them away, they will be cremated, and I named them Sunny.

I sobbed most of the night, blamed myself for not doing enough, went to bed at almost 4 am, and got a kitten checkup when I woke up, four little sets of baby feet. I could breathe, Blossom hadn't moved them, everyone was okay.

I went to check this afternoon, found three babies...the fourth was off to the side, chilly to the touch, but not gone. We got KMR, kitten milk replacer, prepped the bottle, I had to syringe feed one of my inside kittens for a week, and set to work. We kept this one warm, tried to feed them, and around 7, while my mom was getting better equipment from a friend, the little one stopped breathing. Baby passed in our arms shortly after she came home. This one I named Moonlight, or Moony.

Their grandmother was abandoned by her owners who live down the street, and have single handedly exploded the cat population, and our stray colony. WE had THEIR cat spayed after the litter Blossom was in, when we knew for sure she was abandoned. A girl who lives down there was pleased to see Midnight was alive, and spayed. She also told me how the cats are breeding like crazy, kittens are dying, and their backyard is full of dead cats.

I am angry. I am heartbroken. These babies didn't deserve this. We think these two may have had genetic issues, as both were decent sized.

I just needed to get this all out. Now I'm going to stuff myself senseless, withdraw from everything, and watch horror movies.

I need to fade back into the background, this was a mistake.

Miss Congeniality (2000) dir. Donald Petrie

no multi option, agonize and choose, no results option, pick one to find out or scroll onward

So there’s this huge dudebro in my class, who, yesterday, sat next to me. And I’m sitting there sweating because like… I’m wearing my shirt with the lesbian flag on it, and he’s the most popular jock in school, and always has this look on his face that say ‘I can and will kill you’. He looks me up and down, stares at me for a minute and then goes, “So. Girls in skirts and long socks, am I right?”

To which I nodded solemnly, both out of agreement, surprise and also a healthy amount of awkward fear. He nodded and went, “You get it.”

I said, “Yep.” He fistbumped me, and on went our lives.