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i miss you like a songbird misses the sun,
you're still all i ever think about,
you're still all i ever want,
i plead with myself not to look for you,
i fear i'll bother you, i tell myself you wouldn't want me to see you anymore,
i find you everywhere still,
i wake up to my body twitching,
every part of my being aches constantly for you.
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bunny <3
I love you very very much. I really hope you read this sometime. All the way through. I think you were wrong about me.
I wrote you an essay, this isn't it. I was going to hide it somewhere in a place only you could find. And then I was going to retire this account so it'd stay only for you. I thought you deserved a really romantic gesture, you still do, but not that one and probably not from me.
I still think I'll probably retire this account.
I want start by saying I'm really sorry for upsetting you over last weekend. Before that Friday I'd spent the past week closing myself off as I watched you get further and further away from me and once you came back it came rushing out and then it closed up again. I wanted to wait until I was open again, because that's what you deserve. I think I probably ended up making you feel the way I did that passed week. Opening yourself up for someone only for them to parade around talking to other people and still ignoring you. I hope you know I never ignored you. The same way I know you weren't ignoring me.
When you came back on Monday you were upset and I understand why. I really am sorry. You must've felt like I'd just left you out to dry after you'd tried to open back up for me and the mess I made outside of that couldn't have helped in the least.
But when you did come back I was still glued shut, and I'd been trying really hard to be me again. For the first time ever it became really hard to open up. You were rightfully upset but what you said in your anger was horrifying for me. I don't think you know the power you have over me, the total control you have over me.
You know I'm not full of myself, or self-centred. You know that I don't act a certain way or lie. You know that I've never tried to guilt trip you. But I can't know that. Not for certain. Not always. So when you said those things, just like in December, I couldn't help but believe you. I rarely ever stand up for myself, not with someone I love as much as you. You know - most of all - that I always do listen to you. I think that was the biggest problem. I trust your word so much that I take everything you say as the truth. Obviously I don't blame you at all, you were upset and I should've recognised that, it was me that put so much weight on the words you said.
I think I've only ever lost myself twice in my life. The first time in December, when I hurt you and you told me just how awful I'd been, I started to genuinely believe I was evil. I started questioning the intentions I had behind every nice thing I did, even the things I did unconsciously. It took me weeks to forgive myself for it. I still know what I did was horrible, I’m still so sorry. I swore I'd never let it happen again, but when I hurt you again last week and you called me all those things, the same thing happened. I went crazy, I'm really sorry for how I acted, I was completely hysterical.
I wrote you an essay on Tuesday, when I still believed I was some sort of gross sociopathic weirdo, but it didn't feel right posting it. It was only yesterday, Wednesday, in the afternoon that I finally talked to a friend about it and hearing myself cry, hearing myself talk about you, how much I love you, was enough to remind me how innocent my love for you really is. The love I have for you is the purest thing I’ve ever cultivated. All those times you hurt me and I forgave you. All those times you left and you came back. I was never confident at all that you'd come back, I'm not cocky or proud in that way. I mourned you every time you left. Even the very first time, when you were only gone for a morning. That was the first time I cried over someone leaving me.
And every time I let you back in it was because I really thought I could make you happy. I hope you know already that I really really tried to make you happy. The most beautiful thing you showed me was always your smile, the most beautiful things you said to me were always,
'You've changed me for the better',
'You're the best thing that's ever happened to me',
'You make it easier to breathe',
'You make me feel alive.'
I gave you everything, over and over again. I love you but when you called me what you did you made me question my intentions, to the point I believed I was insane. Those things you labelled me with, I almost let manifest in myself, because that's how sacred your word is to me. You say I don't listen but it's the exact opposite. You have always been everything to me. Over and over again you carved your name into my bones and now I’ll always feel you when I pick at my scars.
I don't think I'll ever post that essay now, parts of it are lovely and I wish I could show you those parts, but there are parts I despise. The little flicks of self-loathing and pity, it reads like a letter from a bad dog who'd disobeyed its owner. I love you more than anything, but you can't convince me I was a bad dog. I can say with the utmost certainty now that everything I did - I did because I wanted to make you happy, even the mistakes I made. Even the times I disobeyed you, I only wanted to impress you or make you proud of me in some way but all those times when you disapproved it felt like you’d slapped me in the face, and not in a good way 0_o .
I really hope this doesn’t hurt you at all. I let myself go and I’m the only one to blame. I promised you I wouldn’t let you ruin me, and you haven’t. I’m sure we’ll both be okay. I know I don’t really want to love anyone else for a long while. I know I’ll never love anyone the way I loved you. You’re still the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re still so perfect. I really wish we could’ve been better for each other.
The things I said about you in that essay are things you deserve to hear thousands of times, you deserve everything, but I think it should come from another boy now (or girl ^-^). You really are everything. I keep editing this because I want to say more nice things, I know I should leave it to someone else now but you really mean so much to me. You’re the kindest, warmest most loving person I’ve ever met. I remember everything we used to talk about, I always will now. You told me you wanted to be a teacher, I think you’ll be the best teacher there is.
You're already looking for another boy to love, I can't help but feel a little betrayed by that. But I love you more than anything. These past 5 months would've been the worst of my life without you, but you made me the happiest I've ever been. I'll always love you so much. I think I'll miss you long after you forget my name, but I don't mind. I still hope I'll be a fairy in your mind somewhere, the same way you'll always be hopping through mine.
I love you forever bunny <3
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I used to be so indifferent to bunnies. Of course I thought they were cute but I never really thought about them. I love bunnies now. They never used to cross my mind and now they hop around it all day. All because of you.
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A couple in the lobby having a staring contest, they’re giggling, holding hands, asking each other questions omg i love seeing love
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I’m upset with you,
I think you might be upset with me too,
I wish you’d try to understand why sometimes I feel the way I feel,
And act the way I do,
As I always try for you.
But regardless
One thing I’ve never doubted
Not even for a second
Is that I love you more than anything
You are too well #tangled in my soul ^-^
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You’re out and I wait at the door
I howl and howl, so loud the neighbours complain
And when you’re back I bark in your face
In no time at all you talk me back into submission
I love you like a dog, I adore you in anxious wait,
Seeking only you and only your approval,
And although sometimes it feels like you step on my tail
I love you like you give me life
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