Hi awak, if you ever wonder if I ever think of you, I do! And I might seem too hopeful or delusional but I do! Isokay that you hate me for what I’ve done, I’ll be better okay? I’ll try to. For me. And if Allah decides to put us into the same path, I hope that I would be the one who can guide us. I wish you the best of luck studying and whatever that you’re doing. I am super duper proud of you with your achievements and it’s such a blessing meeting you. I am here, even though the distance and our past might not be favorable, I’m here tau. Saya tunggu awak, and saya tahu awak cakap “don’t save myself for you” and you won’t save yourself for me. Isokay, I’ll be here. Because I know if I were to go to you, it’d be hard for you to accept me. So I’ll be here for our teenage years, I’ll be here just for that dream of being together is still there. And if you find someone else, I wish and pray you would be happiest with them. That’s all, thank you if you happen to read this Asa. Fi Amanillah!

happy birthday

I should’ve guessed you found out, my methods were too revealing. No I was just sloppy. I was careless. I didn’t even tried to make it hidden and quiet. The search bars and countless of possible usernames of yours. And you might be laughing for how desperate and pathetic I am right now and I will agree with you. I am desperate and pathetic.

“I’ve seen you in your worst. And still I don’t think that you are that all the things that you’ve said in the mirror every morning. It never crossed my mind that you’re bad or evil, you’re not a mistake or a monster, you don’t deserve to be seen in the dark for the way that you’ve shine through my life. I’ll take your loneliness and your self loathing away, I’ll throw them so far away, I’ll stay by you even if we’ll never talk again, I’ll defend your name even if the words they spoke were true, because I saw a part of you that you’ve never showed to anyone else. I saw. I lived and I’ll always remember you that way. And as it is painful to say this, you deserve and will have a good ending.”

And she muttered under her breath,

“and even when it means you’re not with me”

maybe not

this is my last entry, i don’t have anything else anymore to add here. i really did love you back then. such a shame it was just for a moment.

“you can find your name on my search bar”

I’ve moved on. But on certain nights, once the memory starts setting in, once my bed gets a bit colder and wider, once the loneliness comes knocking on my door and that’s when your name fills up my search bar.

I can’t say for sure if you’re truly happy, but at least I know that you’re doing okay.

In a foreign land, with new places and strangers, I know for a fact that you’d be fine on your own.

Miles from me, I know that I can only pray for your safety and happiness.

I don’t want to be a stranger with memories with you, I want to be a completely different person, a total stranger, with little to no knowledge of how I am as a person and how I would love you, just you and only you could experience it as it was the first time.

and through his glance amongst the crowded people at the party, his eyes seeks for a pair that he would have recognized if he were blindfolded.

Hers.

words i wish were written for me

Including book quotes, poetry, song lyrics and everything in between, these are some of the words that make my soul wish someone cared about me so much they would write this. 

“Because you are the only person I can talk with about the shade of a cloud, about the song of a thought — and about how, when I went out to work today and looked a tall sunflower in the face, it smiled at me with all of its seeds.”

– Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Vera

“My mouth hasn’t shut up about you since you kissed it. The idea that you may kiss it again is stuck in my brain, which hasn’t stopped thinking about you since, well, before any kiss. And now the prospect of those kisses seems to wind me like when you slip on the stairs and one of the steps hits you in the middle of the back. The notion of them continuing for what is traditionally terrifying forever excites me to an unfamiliar degree.” 

– Alex Turner’s Letter to Alexa Chung

“And I’d give up forever to touch you / ‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow / You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be / And I don’t want to go home right now.” 

– From the song “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls

“I’m not a religious person, but I do sometimes think God made you for me.” 

– Sally Rooney, Normal People

“It is late now, I am a bit tired; the sky is irritated by stars. And I love you, I love you, I love you – and perhaps this is how the whole enormous world, shining all over, can be created – out of five vowels and three consonants.”

– Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Vera

“I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world.”

– Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles

“If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”

– Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

so, i’ll go. and i’ll stay. and we’ll be okay.

fleabag 2x6, 2019 | normal people 1x12, 2022

Of lost chances, forbidden love and remorse.

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Films in frame: Past lives, La la land, Fleabag, Normal People, In the mood for love, Atonement, Potrait of a lady on fire, Maurice, Blue Valentine, Her

Their life in Carricklea, which they had imbued with such drama and significance, just ended like that with no conclusion, and it would never be picked back up again, never in the same way. NORMAL PEOPLE (2020) dir. Lenny Abrahamson, Hettie Macdonald

It has been two months since she had last shed a tear. For whom or what was not important. Well it is important to me, but now she’s happy. She’s free and she’s enjoying her life. A life that I was never able to give her. Apparently, after nights crying about her, I had forgotten a sentence I told myself, “as long as you’re happy, even without me, you would still see me cheering you from afar.” and all my tears for her, wasn’t a waste after all. Tears that dropped were kept in my cloud of thoughts for a while, and now that it has shed, I can have my sigh of relief.

Two pairs of the same Converses, two sweaters of the same design, two same game consoles with custom colors, two matching pajamas, just two. Just the both of us. In a happy home, you would cook and I would wash the dishes. You would wake me up for work and I would iron your clothes and shawls. I would drive you to work and you would cling to my arm on the trip. I would buy you lunch and you would treat me coffee. I would write poems and you would be my muse. I would paint and you’re my inspiration. You would cry and rant and I’m the shoulder to cry on and the arms that gives you warmth. Just the two of us. Alone. Maybe not alone because we’re together, we won’t feel lonely ever again because we would always have each other. I would compliment you for your delicious meals and mesmerizing smile and you would blush. You would say that I look funny and I would chase you around the kitchen. I would surprise you a week earlier before your birthday and you would be the first and the last person to wish on mine. I would book a flight to Maldives and you would be as surprised like the last year. Your car would be parked by mine but we’ll just use mine for the chivalry. My toothbrush beside your skincare products. My football boots beside the rack filled with your heels and sandals. Maybe that’s us, one day. Maybe in a different time, perhaps when we’re older, perhaps when we’re both wiser, perhaps when we’re both ready, perhaps in another life.

I wished I had created you a creation meant and only known just for you. So if I had to go away or I pass on, you, your friends, your families, our children, the entire world would know and and witness the existence of my love for you had transfigured into something that would outlive me and so on. It would pass on to generations as proof and witness my love for you.

I refuse to be a wonderful experience, I refuse of it. I refuse to be someone’s beautiful memory. A certain muse or a distant fantasy that could never be a reality. I wanted to be someone’s entire journey. From which they were born until the day they meet Him, I want to be with them till the end. I want to be someone both being the guide and the guided. Spare me your pity or selfish reasonings because I refuse to back down when my heart, as shallow or pure as it may be, craves and seeks to be someone’s everything.